Leja

In the first line, I wasn't expecting it to say "the eternity"; it's usually assumed that there's only one eternity, but if you meant a certain eternity, just disregard the ...

No, the continuous metaphor wasn't too much. I like how the sentences/ideas didn't end at the end of the lines because that made it seem smoother to me. The only ...

You crawl through the back door and knock on the side of my cell phone. I'm not sure why someone would knock on the side of a cell phone. If ...

Some of the word choices in the lines bothered me; if I had been reading it aloud, I would have tripped on some of these phrases such as "it's exactly ...

My first thought after finishing this was "that was really sinister" my second thought was "yeah, but I kept reading, didn't I?" :D I liked it; I liked how the ...

What really stuck out for me was how you varied the sentence length (whether consiously or unconsiously), which is good because it keeps the reader engaged in what they're reading. ...

Woe, surging like some misbegotten wave, I like the soft sounds of the "s" following woe, then the hard sounds of misbegotten Wrenchingly ripping the limpets Here, I like the ...

I liked it! It made me think, and I really did start noticing things more. My only suggestions are format: if there's specific line breaks, separate paragraphs with a space ...

This was absolutely wonderful to read. In your first paragraphs, I liked how you mixed very long and very short sentences, it was helpful, drawing the reader back to reality. ...

Lottie, I'm not sure if you meant for each of these to stand alone, or for each to be expanded (I'm assuming it's the second one). I'm also unsure if ...

Knowing that I was going to die made my mind rush faster than ever before. I could hear the evil voice in the back of my mind saying "You're going ...

Try to spread out your synnonyms for "said"; a character spits, asserts, rebukes, insists, etc. every paragraph, and it weakens the impact those words can have. The sentence "He had ...

"Two people out to do only their best. " Hmm, the word "only" tripped me in this line, most because it's another in a quick succession of short, connecting words. ...

Okay, so I skipped a few chapters (twelve or thirteen, actually) but this was right there, on the YWS homepage, and I liked the first line, so I read the ...

My only complaint about this bit was that you used the pronoune "he" to start most of your sentences, and it was forboding for the first paragraph you used it ...