You smiled at me.
How can one simple upper turning of the lips completely disarm me? How can it make me forget where I am? I don’t know how, but it does.
You kill me with that lopsided half-moon of yours. The stars sparkle inside your mouth, and they dazzle me till I’m dizzy. Why do you have that power over me? Why you? Why can’t I satisfy my magic carpet fantasies with a complete stranger? No; it has to be you. You and your Curve cologne, your waters of Ephesus eyes, and your I-take-in-the-whole-world grin.
I don’t care how cheesy it sounds; I love the way you control me. If you’re not there, everything loses its luster. But when you’re there, ah-now that’s when life is right.
I know that you know I love you. I can see a small glimmer of it in your eyes every time our gazes connect. It used to be in full view for all, but it’s taken a backseat on a hurtling roller coaster ride of emotions for now.
I know you’re having a hard time; I am, too. I miss you. I want you back, seducing me with that squeeze of the hand and that luminous light of love in your eyes. Even though you’ve told others differently, I see you’re still struggling over me. You can guard yourself, but just like before, I've found another crack and started to open your inner door. I peek in through the doorway, and I know you will come back.
I smiled at you.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Wow! JackBauerHasABaldSpot was right! This was perfect, I mean there's always room for improvement, but nicely done!
My suggestions : Well of course we want the actual story, and background!
Other suggestions: Give me MORE! This is really interestingso far.
Hey!! I thought this was so, so perfect!! I wasent to to mushy, but it still had that litlle bit.
I espically adored this line:[/quote]
You kill me with that lopsided half-moon of yours. The stars sparkle inside your mouth, and they dazzle me till I’m dizzy
I believe you described how a lot of people feel when they see the person the love smiling at them!!
This was an exciting job!! Keep up the great work!!
Kelsi =)
I do believe this is may favorite part of the entire story. The description in just this line is enough to make you feel what the narrator is thinking while easing you into the story. It's quite good.
The "dazzle me till I'm dizzy" isn't really my cup of tea, too many 'd's. It's weaker than the rest of the work and a little unnecissary.
[quote="Wiggy"]I know you’re having a hard time; I am, too. I miss you. I want you back, seducing me with that squeeze of the hand and that luminous light of love in your eyes. Even though you’ve told others differently, I see you’re still struggling over me. You can guard yourself, but just like before, I've found another crack and started to open your inner door. I peek in through the doorway, and I know you will come back.
[quote]
I like the description in this paragraph. It makes you feel like the narrator and this boy both have a sort of spell over each other. How it's written makes you feel as if you can feel all this yourself. Good stuff.
Overall I liked this work. Good job.
I like it. Short, sweet, and (most of all) it doesn't have a stupid title that sounds marginally cute yet has nothing to do with the story (guilty, personally!).
I also admire your ending most significantly of all the elements you've added into the story: it complements itself with the beginning, something I rarely see with stories. It's no big thing, really, but I like it when writers do that. Plus, it wasn't overflowing in the cringe factor (which is used so much when reading some romance). That ingredient really puts this story before all others I'm seeing so far...
Not bad, not bad at all.
Wow, Wiggy. Really brilliant. No complaints. This was just... wow. So wonderfully genuine and unique, yet I know exactly what you mean. I don't know. It felt like you were sharing this moment with me, like I was some close friend.
Really brilliant.
I would change the "No; it has to be you" part into the "No, it has to be you" part (semicolon to comma).
It's encouraging to see (from my point of view) the desire of a women/girl to have a controlling man/boy. I believe it natural and appropriate.
It's not really the kind of story that will stick with me, but when really enjoyed it while i was reading it. I don't know if that's what you're going for, or even if it's a good thing. But there's my thoughts on the subject.
As to your question, i vote you should change the last sentence to present tense.
Its not that i think its bad as it is. I just liked it better when you suggested the switch.
=)
very well written. I like the description you used throughout the story. Keep up writing. Can't wait to read more. =]
Awww, that's cute. This wasn't too cheesy or mushy for me, it was relateable. I love how you worked some story into that string of emotion. awesome job =D
Keep up the good work!
-JC
I have no idea how you wrote so much about someone's smile. It just flowed so nicely. Wonderful job wiggy. I really enjoyed it. Nothing wrong stuck out to me.
~aero
you love MY style? i love YOUR style. great descriptions and details and everything =]]
if you liked that chapter, that's just an excerpt from the novel. i have the intro and first three chapters posted, so thats there for you if you're interested:))
What really stuck out for me was how you varied the sentence length (whether consiously or unconsiously), which is good because it keeps the reader engaged in what they're reading. This paragraph in particular:
You kill me with that lopsided half-moon of yours. The stars sparkle inside your mouth, and they dazzle me till I’m dizzy. Why do you have that power over me? Why you? Why can’t I satisfy my magic carpet fantasies with a complete stranger? No; it has to be you. You and your Curve cologne, your waters of Ephesus eyes, and your I-take-in-the-whole-world grin.
I only felt like there were too many questions asked. When I looked back to count, I realized that it stuck out because they were all posed at once in the beginning.
PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia
I loved it for the fact that it was short and sweet and made you feel for the young girl and the boy that captured her with his grin.
Though the last line was the best part. Even though, from what I gather, they broke up she hooked him again in the same way he did her. A smile.
Wonderful job!
sweet. I love this line most of all cos I can relate, "How can one simple upper turning of the lips completely disarm me?". Smiles!
Thanks so much! Wow-I didn't expect this many positive responses! !_! Thanks though for all your suggestions.
Cheri>>I took your suggestion and changed it to the present tense. There had been something wrong with that sentence, but I just hadn't been able to pinpoint it. You hit the nail right on the head. I just have one question-do you think I should change the last sentence (I smiled at you) to present tense for effect? Kinda iffy on that one right now...
I really like your descriptions-- they are so detailed. You even mentioned the brand of fragrance he wears. Nice. Just a little some thing I thought about in the last sentence where you wrote, "I peeked in through the doorway, and I knew you would come back."
--I just thought it would be a really powerful in present tense. Like if "peeked" was "peek" and "knew you would come" was "know you will come"--that would be really interesting. But then it depends on what effect your going for. I really loved it--really sweet.
That was really great. I loved the description. It was a little corny for me, but I still liked it. Typo: loved it.
This part in particle stuck out to me, for I know exactly how that feels to have once shown true emotions, only to have them locked away.
I loved your piece, you described everything wonderfully. Keep up the good work!
Thanks guys. Any others? I'd really like to see what you think!
I really liked it, I love little perspective stories they're so much fun. Anwyay, this sentence I felt could've been worded better at the very end. You wrote...
I think it's fine till the word 'with,' from there the wording's strange but it could be changed easily so it's not a real issue. I can't wait to read more of your work.
Woo, soppy-extreme!! It's very descriptive, and nicely written, but a bit too mushy for my liking.
-ST
This is really sweet, it reminds me of something my friend is writing at the moment.
Very sweet, will you be writing anymore of it?
Meevs
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