JFW1415

Edited again. Come on - anyone but Kalli willing to rip to shreds? I can take it! ~JFW1415

The edited version is finally up, and critiques are now welcome. :) Thanks everyone! ~JFW1415

Duuude. I told you there was a reason I didn't critique poetry. Poetry disguised as prose doesn't make it any better. :) Anyways, the one critique I actually could notice ...

I'm sorry my descriptions irritated you. :? I just have a habit of OVER describing things. Don't change it just because of me! Just the character descriptions - those weren't ...

Sam and Snoink, you two rock. :) The father is supposed to be having an affair with Caleb's (the neighbor) mother. I didn't want to go out there and say ...

PS: Whoah - this is seriously you, Jared? No offense, but I like Fat Boy better. This is a completely different style - I didn't even remember it was you ...

Other then what everyone else already pointed out. You also need to capatilize letters after a period. And when in dialoge after someone finishes a sentence put a period, not ...

Thanks for the reviews, everyone! And gryph: you critiqued the old version! :wink: It wasn't too different, but a lot of things you didn't like I had already changed. I'll ...

But we all still love you and want to help you get better. :lol: Just use this as an outline. It's great for that - loaded with ideas! You have ...

I hate the books. They're addicting, so I read them, but I tried rereading it once - awful. Same thing happened to me with Harry Potter. Amazing characters, awesome plot, ...

JFW: Very helpful. I didn't even realize my sentences were that long. You can tell I'm bad at ages though..Also, Henry is twelve not ten. But thanks for pointing out ...

- You used 'yea' a few times. I realize every character has their own voice, but this seems too modern. In medieval times, yea was an informal way of saying ...

This was a very nice story. The only thing I didn't like was its length. Is there any way you could expound and tell us more? Is there any specific ...

Done! ~JFW1415

If you have made any alterations, I'm sorry. I started a few hours ago, after your first edit and before your second. Hopefully some of this still helps? ~JFW1415