Published May 31, 2008
This piece is kind of rough still - I had to finish it up to submit it in the OneWord contest. (I got an extension, 'cause Ging is awesome.) It's for the prompt 'rose,' so I underlined those words. It kept spiraling out of control, so it was hard to make it relate to the prompt. 
I am actually kind of proud of this, but I know it needs a lot of work. Please be extremely harsh? I can take it.
Oh, and title help is appreciated, as always. 
Rated for implied themes. Very subtle, though. I'm just overly cautious.
Currently being edited.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
Hi, JFW!
Grammar and First Impressions
Sounds better. It doesn't get so confusing then with all the commas.
It's actually grammatically correct to put a semi there to avoid confusing among commas. If the first sentence already has a comma, the conjunction gets a semi instead of a comma. This rule is not well-known, though, so I won't blame you if you ignore this.
Does she only have one hand?
As is not one of the FANBOYS, so it doesn't get a comma.
I'm not sure of the rule with present tense, though. So ignore this if I'm wrong.
Depends on your style of writing. Commas work here, but I suggest dashes to distract from the amount of commas.
Of: Used to indicate source, distance, or reason
On: To indicate location
Making what sweet? The fragrance? Why not just say the sweet fragrance?
This is kind of run-on-ish. Rewrite this to make it less run-on-ish.
Just isn't a FANBOYS, so it don't need a comma.
And is one of the FANBOYS! Only sometimes do the FANBOYS get a comma, and in this case, they do. There is an independent clause on either side of the FANBOYS, so a comma is needed. If there was a dependent clause on one of the sides instead of an independent clause, no comma is needed. ^_^
Freer? Ew, lol. Is there a better word? Maybe just free will work? Or freedom? Freer is a word, it just looks weird, I guess.
The first sentence was just left hanging. I wonder if I should thank him for. Thank him for what? Finish the sentence. Even if you answered it in the next sentence, this one ends awkwardly.
Characters
I got right away that Caleb is just a good friend. If he was her boyfriend, I wouldn't have thought that. A boyfriend would probably go about hugging her and all that jazz (unless he's different), but he seemed to be a sweet friend who cared for her and who was also in the same situation as she, only it was his mother.
I felt sorry for the MC when her dad drove from Caleb's house to hers.
This has been going on for a year? I would have thought the parents would have discussed this already? Maybe Mom does know, you just never told us?
Plot
It was obviously about how the MC's father is late everyday and you lead the reader on, making them wonder why. It's cute -- it really is. However, I don't understand Caleb's rose. Was that supposed to be significant in some way? It seemed kind of random and cute to me.
And the dad goes next door. The Mom doesn't suspect this? I know my mom hears only too well. The mom here could probably hear the car start up and then shut off a minute later; in fact, it would get louder then shut off, but not too much loud. In other words, she'd suspect something if she wasn't deaf.
I don't find a significance with the rainbows, though, and Dad's phrase in the beginning. People helping others is uncommon. What does that have to do with this? Oh, Caleb? Yes, no? That's the only relation I could think of, and it wasn't obvious for me.
Overall
I pointed out the concerns that may or may not have been helpful. It's getting late on my part.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Sam and Snoink, you two rock.
This will be fun to edit, haha.
The father is supposed to be having an affair with Caleb's (the neighbor) mother. I didn't want to go out there and say it, but you let me know that I didn't give enough hints. It's probably because at first this was from a little boy's POV, and he sees a little girl crying, and, since he always saw his father give his mother roses when she cried, he got the little girl a rose. Then it kind of spiraled out of control... I'll get to fixing that.
The rest of you are amazing too.
~JFW1415
Um... I am confused. And since I almost know you, I shall be horribly frank. So don't kill me, please? ^_^
1) DUH. Of course her dad doesn't come back from work directly... he buys his wife roses instead! So why is there such a concern? We have absolutely no idea what the bad thing he's done, if he's done anything at all. Since I have no idea what he did, I am assuming he is innocent and misunderstood. But really... it makes no sense. And that's bad.
2) Who is Caleb? At first, I thought he was her brother, then I thought he might be her boyfriend, and then I figured that he might just be a friend... but I am still thoroughly confused. And yeah. I don't like being confused.
*flails*
Anyway, clear these up. Please? They are making a should-be enjoyable story rather unenjoyable.
Hey, JFW!
I beyond love your writing. I think I'm getting redundant, but seriously, I always look forward to critiquing things from you. They're a lot of fun to read. ^_^
I echo what Kylan said on style. You have a rare talent--you can write stories with plots. I can't. A lot of people can't. However, when you step things down a notch, you have to pay a lot more attention to detail. I'd suggest Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier--it's slow, but achingly beautiful and poetic. Plus, it's a mooshygooshy romance with blood, guts, and gangrene. What could be better?
The one thing that bugged me about this piece was what the father actually did. Usually, you can figure it out. He'll be walking funny (he's drunk), his nose bleeds all the time (he's on cocaine), or she walks in on him with another woman (I'll let you figure that one out). However, with this one, there are a lot of things that can make you mussed, sweaty, and guilty, but not a lot that you can fit in everyday before dinner. My first guess, being the hormonal teenager that I am, would be SEX!!!!!!!, but come on. Every day? And both the kids know about it, but not the mother?
That's the thing about being Scandalous. You have to drop enough hints for your reader to get it, but not too much so that they want you to shut up and not too little so that they don't get it. It's a delicate balance, but I think you can handle it.
You know the drill! PM me if you want to chatter about the piece.
I absolutely loved this story. I felt like I was the girl waiting for her dad. The end was sad and happy. Oh my gosh, you really did a good job on this. I don't know if you would continue this story, but I would love to see more! I don't think there were any spelling or grammatical errors, but like Conrad Rice said,
^_^ Awesome job!!!Peace out,
Becca \m/(><)\m/
Wow, this is a very good story. I really like how you brought it to life and got right into the main character's head, especially since I'm so bad at those things, lol. All in all, very good. I couldn't find any spelling or grammatical errors, although I'm not good at finding those. I honestly could not find anything wrong with it. It was well written and I give you kudos for that.
P.S. Thanks for the compliments on my story.
Other people have gotten to the nitpicks before me... Meh...
Anyway, I agree with Kylan on Caleb's gift of the rose. While I get that it is going along with the "rose" theme, it just seems a little cliche. So Caleb bought her a rose? Or did he pick it from the rose bush? Is this an impromptu gift or did he plan it out? I dunno, but if you still want to go with the flower, make it something other than a rose, just to make him different from the dad. That was the first parallel my mind drew - the dad's dozen roses and Caleb's rose. You could cut the flower all together and just have Caleb be awkward, but it's your story. I'm just suggesting things.
Anyway, I liked it. I loved how you never actually came right out and damned the dad, and at first, it wasn't even clear that this was a regular occurrence. But you led into it all masterfully. Excellent work, I must say.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
*CRITIQUE PRIZE*
Hey there J!
You have a nice piece here. As you said, it's very subtle, and the undertones - or the overtones, for that matter - are difficult to catch. This makes for a good story. You're epitomizing the golden rule of showing instead of telling.
Your writing style is very succinct. And while this makes for a good action oriented story (Re: Repercussions), it does not lend much to an emotional, potentially literary piece. I would suggest trying to use some more imagery. Hit us with a few elaborate similes or metaphors. You have a few, but nothing about the language you use particularly jumps out at me. Consider using a thesaurus every once in a while, too. Colorful words make a colorful story (it's also easy to go overboard with a thesaurus, so be careful). I'll address a few specific places where imagery could be incorperated later.
I think that though the dialogue you utilised in this piece was sparse, you used it effectively. Kudos with that.
I know that the contest this story is meant for challenges you to make one word the central focus of your story, but I feel that you may have overused the rose somewhat. You have the roses in three places: The yard, the father, the friend. I think that you should either cut the yard or the friend. Caleb's sympathetic gift seemed a little sappy, a little cliche. And I think removing that mention of the rose would help lighten the story, savvy?
Eh. Was she really in a trance? Also, this detail seems slightly cliche.
Typo: = off
This was a perfect opprotunity to dazzle us with your imageratic skill. Instead, you took the easy way out and compared it to something that's been beaten to death in a trillion other stories. Give me a different simile here. Instead of "just like summer" make it "as if the air had been pollenated with granulated sugar". I know that's a bit over the top, but do something unique, ja?
Another cliche pitfall. Just follow the advice above.
Anyway, nice job. I look forward to critiquing more of your stuff.
-Kylan
Hey,
I've not really done much critiquing before, but I suppose you've got to start somewhere, so I'm going to have a go
Ok, so my first problem is with these two sentences. You say comparing something to a rainbow is sweet, then go on to say there hasn't been one in a long time. But just because there hasn't been a rainbow in a long time that doesn't make it any less sweet, it probably makes it more sweet because it's such a rarity. I think something is needed between the two sentences, something to prove that no rainbows appearing in a long time detracts from the sweetness. For example, 'It sounds sweet - comparing something to a rainbow. Only trouble is my dad was right, people helping each other out is about as common as a rainbow. There hasn't been a rainbow around here in a long time.' I dunno, but I think it needs something.
This doesn't sound right to me and I think it's because in the first sentence you tell us about the rain, then refer to it as 'they'.
I think it would sound better if you changed the 'rain' to 'rain drops' so it reads - 'The rain drops pelted against the window like bullets aimed for my face. They fell fast and...'
Or
change the 'they' in the second sentence to 'it' so it reads - 'The rain pelts against the window like bullets aimed for my face. It falls fast and...'
Also I think it would sound more natural to say '...like bullets aimed at my face' in stead of 'for my face' but that's your choice, as is everything really, i'm just offering my opinion
Again I think this would sound better.
Just in case what? That's sort of just thrown in there.
Again, I'm confused as to why she wouldn't tell him that. Does she not want to hurt his feelings? Is she trying to cling on to her husband by whatever means necessary even though she suspects him of cheating on her? I'm not sure of the relationship between the mum and the dad at all at this point. I know they're arguing because the dad is always home late but I don't know whether the mum thinks he's cheating on her, or if he's working late to earn more money. I think we need to subtly get just the base of their relationship shown to the reader. For example you could write something like 'She hates how they smell, but she won't tell him that, I think she's trying to cling on to the last of many broken threads in their relationship.' That example would tell us that the arguments are quite serious.
Perhaps replace the 'doesn't' with 'hasn't'?
It sounds like you're saying the wooden bench isn't raining on her. You could probably ditch the last bit as you've already said the rain's gone. But if you do I think you need to replace it with something. For example, 'The grass is still wet under my feet, and the wooden bench I'm sitting on is a bit moist, but at least the sky isn't threatening to wash me away. Perhaps that's what it had done to dad, I thought, again trying to make excuses for his late arrival, it's washed him away.'
Perhaps add a bit about him walking inside the house after? Otherwise it seems like he's still just standing there...
This bit doesn't really flow for me. Perhaps 'not wanting anyone to see me at my weakest' or 'not wanting anyone to see me so weak'
Overall
Ok I like this, a lot. It just seems a little rushed in places and that disrupts the flow. You have a great idea, love that when he helps her out the rainbow appears, but it's not really consistent. In some places I feel like I'm there (The beginning is particularly strong), then suddenly I flash back to reality when I reach the places that seem to have been rushed over - especially the end bit. I loved the dialogue between her and he neighbour, but she seems to lack emotion. You could work embarrassment in to there, embarrassment that her neighbour has to comfort her - going back to the weakness idea. Just anything. She doesn't even seem particularly worried her dad isn't home, which is fine as that seems to happen quite a lot, but perhaps make her worry about what will happen when he does come home? Then when he does come home explain her emotions, even if she doesn't feel anything. See what I mean?
Still, with a bit of polish, this story will be amazing
PM me for anything you don't understand
Complicated101
Oh I loved this! I'm sorry, I know you're looking for concrit, but it was really lovely. Good job! I think it's a beautiful, and heartbreaking, image, the girl waiting for her dad to return, and her mother pretending it's not all true- or perhaps not knowing, I wasn't sure which. In any case, nicely done!
*gold star*
First of all, hello! Second, I would just like to say that you are great with imagery. (Woot!)
Here is an example:
I think this sounds great; 'pelts' and 'bullets' go together effectively.
Now onto the nit-picking and all that
This sounds rather awkward, methinks. It's like you've decided he's not the most eloquent speaker and just written it willy-nilly. I think it might be a good idea to say it out loud first, to make sure it rolls off the tongue.
1) Shouldn't it be 'acknowledges?
2)With the acknowledging, I have an issue. This sounds really picky but, you know that this is in the present tense, right? Weeell, would she really comment that they're not acknowledging, whereby saying that in the present tense actually IS acknowledging it? Am I making any sense or simply rambling? I do that a lot.
Lies.
Okay that's it with that.
Over-all, I think this was a really effective piece - only, I think it would be betetr in past tense. But that's only a personal opinion.
Hope I helped.
Heya JF
Anyway I'll probably have the crit up by tommorow or later this night.
I'm reviewing your story as we speak so expect a crit sometime soon! I'm also procrastinating so whenever my parents walk in I make a run for my Physics book, open to a random page and pull an interested face. Haha
XxxDo