Published April 20, 2008
TeamKidsWorld : Against Team Omega
Prologue: What Is This?
You're probably thinkin', who are these kids? Well, this will explain it to ya.
Team KidsWorld is a team of kids who are special secret agents who keep the world safe. Yes, even for adults who seem to RUIN kid's lives, right?
You are WRONG on SO MANY levels. Adults bring kids into the Earth. Well, back to the explanation. These are over 150,000 kids in 165 countries out of the possible 194 and in over 500 cities.
I wont go on and on, but here are the best from some countries
Name: Qing Won Qhu
Country: China
Special Skill: Martial Arts Expert, Master of Kung Fu, 5 years Shaolin Monk experience from age 4
Name:Deborah Levivioque
Country of origin: France
Special Skill: is a Con-girl
Name:Kyong Chon Su
Country of origin: South Korea
Special Skill: Master of Muay Thai
Name: Bobby Markakisteo
Country of origin: USA
Special Skill: Computer Hacker
Name: Etani Koilamunoz
Country of origins*:Kenya and USA
Special Skill: Breakdancing which turns into an attack
Name: Raimundo Joao Maturo Ikimanao{R.J.}
Country of origin: Brazil
Special Skill: Capoeira Master
Name: Heinriche Junlafsson
Country of origin: Germany
Special Skill: Master of Espionage and spy tactics
These are the kids who are the main subjects of this story you are reading contained inside this book. Agents are especially chosen through a battery of physical, mental, emotional and skill-based tests.
They are cleared for missions when they hit fourth grade. but once they are in 9th grade, they are decomissioned, they take their positions as teenage teachers of their specialized skill, never to do a mission again unless under special circumstances which I will get into later. Ok... I guess it is later now. On too those special circumstances. The special circumstances are if a member of the team gets one to 5 stars pinned on their civillian clothes after decommisioning, they get to stay on as a mission liaison for their specific team. Every time a commisioned member is decommissioned, or, a decommissioned member is made a mission liaison, The member of honor at the ceremonies must make a special occasion speech, as dictated by current team leader. The facility in which the training members or just members in general, functions as if it were a boarding school or college campus. Every member is chosen from ages 5 and onward. Hey, we dont wanna pick 'em at the wrong time, right?
I will now give you which ages the members were picked.
Qing: 9, 9 now
Deborah: 7 when picked, 10 now
Kyong: 8 then, 11 now
Bobby: 10 when picked, 12 now
Etani: 11 when picked , 12 now
R.J.: 8 then, 10 now
Hein: 9 then 10 now
For special secret reasons, we cannot disclose Personal/Private Info about ANY of our 150,000-someodd students and WE MEAN ANYTHING.
That is it, that is all I will tell all of ya. Go on! Nothing to see here, shows over. This prologue will now self-destruct in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Thank you for reading this prologue. Good bye.
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Canary word: Present
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
But we all still love you and want to help you get better.
Just use this as an outline. It's great for that - loaded with ideas! You have a whole story planned.
Now you need to write the story.
~JFW1415
Alright, you asked for a readers crit on all of your stuff. THis was the one that stood out that I wanted to read.
My english teacher would mark all this out. I'll tell you why.
Don't use you, I, or anything like that in your story if you are refering to the reader or the writer(you) not the narrator character. You CAN"T do that. Mostly because when you say 'you' and are refering to the reader you can make assumptions about them and you dont' know who is reading the book which will lead to the reader being offended. You dont' want that to happen.
So, redo this and you should be fine. Just don't use 'you' 'I' or anything like that if you are refering to yourself or the reader. You CAN'T do that.
Please redo and tell me when you do.
It looks like you have your idea developed very well. It is a good base for your writing, but please don't put this in a book/story. It's a massive info-dump. Try instead to incorporate this into your story, maybe as a secret meeting where the characters talk to each other and make some reference to their skills--"Oh, my break dancing lessons are coming along pretty good. I took out a whole team of Martian spies with a spin move yesterday..."
You can use this as a reference when writing, but it's more of a fact sheet than a prologue. Some books, such as The Secret Garden and the Charlie Bone books (all I can think of off the top of my head) have a character listing/family tree on the front page, but this is not, I repeat not part of the story or even the prologue. The prologue is more to introduce the piece, not to explain the whole scenario and all the characters.
This is a good base to start from, I think this idea has good potential!
Ok.......I admit, this caught my attention when scrolling down the page. The thing is, if you want this as a book they way you put it will not work. The only books I see that kind of writing in is children's books and I don't think you're writing this for children. Another thing this sounds a lot like KND (Kids Next Door). If you are not familiar with the show then that tells me you didn't get your idea from it. I have to tell you this straight out, and I don't like to, but this is not meant to be a book unless you get rid of this:
If you can turn all that into story text it would be good. If you fix it up, please tell me. I would like to read it, but not if it has the information stuff.
Honestly?
This is not a prologue.
As I was reading, I thought you accidently put this here. It looks like the beginning of a StoryBook.
I don't think this should be used. Save it for ideas, but everything in here should be SHOWN in the story. You are just listing facts at us.
Read prologues. Read them, learn them, love them.
Also, this is NARRATIVE, not dialogue. In dialogue, it's fine to say 'ya,' 'em,' and stuff like that. Not in dialogue.
Sorry for the harsh critique. It's a great idea, but this is an outline of a story, not an actual story.
Please PM me with any questions. I'm not here to hurt you, I'm here to help! I can help you figure out how to write this, slip in this information, etc. And I can teach you more about prologues. ;P Whatever you'd like.
Sorry!
~JFW1415