Published April 30, 2008
If this is not rated correctly, please let me know. I couldn't decide if it should be 'R.' I don't use the f bomb, but I do use sh*t a lot, and there's death. *Shrug*
Again, title suggestions are very welcome!
This is for the contest Ten Minutes To Live. In this contest, I have to write about three different characters who have ten minutes to live. The other two are in part two, which is a bit shorter than this one.
Currently being edited.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Here's your crit! Sorry it took me so long... Hope it helps you a little!
Hello! I know, it took me forever to get to this. You'll really have to forgive me. I take a long time on fiction critiques, and I've been busy. Just think of it as me wanting to give you my best.
I find that sentences like these sound better broken up: "He folds it one way, then the other. His motions are slow and precise." but it is up to you.Don't say she is - show us she is.
The first descriptions is too cliché for my liking, and the dialogue following it seems unnatural. It's too stiff.
I'm not sure what I think of the introduction. It's necessary, but it's bland. For the most part it is just dialogue and actions, and a few comments as to character facial expressions. I don't know what the room is like, whether it is hot or cold, is there a house plant in the corner? I don't know what they're wearing. I think the biggest problem is the setting, because that would tell a lot about who these people are. Is is a kitchen in their home, or a business office? I have no idea. I think you could also add more general description. I know you may not want to spend a lot of time on the intro, but if it is the first thing your reader sees, you'll want to make it some of the best.
Then don't even say this sentence.
You say "I don't watch him leave" which led me to believe he was leaving there but in the next line you say "He opens the door and walks out" so it's... odd. Also, one problem I have with this part is the narrator. He's bland, and it's boring in a general sense. Not much description, imagery, no life. Here you have a warm breeze. Do something with it. Does it remind him of something? What does it feel like? Use a metaphor or specific diction to explain. Try to bring more life and sensory to this story.
This is weird. "Now, I'll take you away."
Don't be redundant.
This says, "When is it all start?" which makes no sense. I think you were trying to say, "When did it all start?"
Actually, after reading this, I think you would do a lot better to cut the introduction and explain the back story through the dialogue of Mathew and his friend, then Mathew and the father. Speaking of his friend, you don't name him. Okay, sure, you want him not named, but this is horrible for story telling. There are a lot of "he"s. Watch out for it.
This isn't so bad. I still think you would do better to add more details. The narrators voice isn't unique, and in first person it's nice for them to have their own twist. It's him telling the story, remember. Does he have any speaking habits that would show up in his narration? He also doesn't sound nervous. He actually sounds calm, which is incredebly surprising given the circumstances.
Hope this helps! Will get to part two eventually.
It's finally here. Sorry it took so long. And it isn't even that much...
NITPICKS:
This felt awkward to me. Maybe it's the mood I'm in, but I instead of a comma and
doesn't, I would just put or in their place.
I realize that his wife says this, but it kind of came out of nowhere.
Again, awkward. Here's what I would do with this: They're not innocent," he says, still not looking up at her.
Not sure, but I think it should be of her, not on her.
Would have left sounds better.
Comma would be good after there.
I would reword. I hate to sound like a broken record, but it sounds awkward again.
Empty would be better to describe the apartment - especially if his footsteps are echoing. Bare just makes me think that there re no pictures on the walls...
Can you "whip" a ball? I would reword.
Again, I know who says this, but you need to make more clear.
You've told us that his name is Justin. Why not use that, instead of he constantly?
I feel like I don't stop him would be better here.
You're writing in present tense. Wasn't should be isn't, and wanted should be want.
Switched tenses.
It may be just me, but I found this confusing...
Falls doesn't feel like the right word to use. It makes him seem sad. I think a stronger reaction from Justin would be better here. If anything, I would have thought someone of his personality type would swear violently and drop the letter as if it's on fire.
Need to elaborate. Didn't get what? A letter?
Again, odd reaction. You've given me a certain impression of Justin, and him being so calm like he is doesn't seem to fit.
How does he know the gun is pointed? Isn't it at his back? Expand.
Wait, he always says what this certain man want to hear? Has he met him before? And the man told him to say something in their previous encounters? Or does the boy always obey, whenever someone tells him to do something? Need to make more clear.
Here's a good opportunity to use some description. Tell us how the ball is disgusting. Is it torn? Caked with dirt? Stained?
I would use it has gotten, instead of it gets.
Extremely weird wording. Adjust.
When's isn't a word. I would say when did instead.
WATCH OUT FOR:
-Reactions. Your characters are far too neutral about having their lives threatened.
-Realism. I found some parts in this piece unrealistic. Why didn't your MC call the police? And would his best friend really just abandon him like that? And, once more, their emotions and reactions seemed too toned down.
-Description. You've actually told me this once. You need more. I haven't got af eel for their surroundings. I know that they're in an apartment. Okay, so is it big? Small? Crappy? Nice?
GENUINELY LIKED:
-The idea of it. Very creative storyline.
-Justin. Though he said man far too much, he added humor to the story.
-The theme you have going with the ball. I liked it, and thought it symbolic.
GENERAL IMPRESSION:
It was an enjoyable read. My strongest emotion during this was curiosity. Does need some work, as you seem to be aware of, but it's got much potential.
Happy editing.
JFW1415,
My critique shall be as pieced as your story is, and so you’ll get impressions, likes/dislikes for each part after the line-by-line review of each piece separately, since I figured it’ll be less chaotic this way. But, one of these days I shall find that logic.
PART I
Quote:
It’s replayed in his mind so many times that the words come naturally.
“It is replayed”? I think not. Time present is tricky with those things, but exception give rules a purpose, no? And in my mind, replayed have been dozens of substitutes for the mentioned. Hmm.
Quote:
He speaks, but he does not look up.
Cross out the second “he” - it is not necessary.
Quote:
His hand glides across the paper flawlessly, and he acts as if she weren’t there.
I don’t know about the “acting as if she were not there”. He’s listening to her words - that we know, because he actually answers them.
Quote:
He smiles, a crooked, half-smile that brings fear to her heart.
The first thing that came to my mind was that the comma after “crooked” is not needed. Then I realize that something is wrong with this sentence, and decide that perhaps all the commas should be taken out, but that leaves us with: “He smiles a crooked half-smile that brings fear to her heart”, and that… Hmm. I don’t like it, let’s put it that way. It goes against the whole story, in a way. “that brings fear to her heart” - theatrical, a tad bit. Common? Consider rephrasing.
Quote:
It’s repeated twice
It’s - the message, but not it’s - the words. Before you have “words”, so change the “it’s” to “they’re”.
Alright, the nitpicks, at least to this section, are done. Additional comments (though there are very little, yes, since the section was short):
-> when it comes to pieces such as yours, I don’t quite know what to say. The lack of details unnerves me, really, but it’s how the story is written, part of the style, and I can’t argue with that.
-> you handle the pronouns quite nicely. In this part, there were no names, only “he” and “she”. It was challenging, and some repetitions were unavoidable, yet I think it turned out good.
-> the note. The first line is in italics, yes, but why not the whole thing? I’m assuming that the rest is part of it because of the “you” later on, though the fact that those two last line are not indeed in italics might signalize that the “you” is a mistake. Hmm. Either way, fix that.
PART II
Quote:
Are you in there man?”
Comma before “man”.
Quote:
I’ll just go then.”
Comma before “then”, I think.
Quote:
Is he watching me? Was he waiting for me to open the letter?
I stared and stared at those sentences. They’re in two different tenses, no? “Is” and “was”. Why?
Quote:
He picked up the wrong paper.
I liked that.
Quote:
I guess he didn’t get one.
Yes, I’m a perfectionist at times. “Guess” is slightly above, in that dialogue sentence, too, and it does stand out. If this one were in dialogue too, I’d have no objections, but it isn’t, and so I do. (and no, the “remember” doesn’t cause any tumults, funnily enough).
Quote:
When’s it all start?
Classroom English comes in. Parades, in fact. I don’t get that sentence. “When’s’? But no one is too picky about it, so the translator in my head is probably not working properly.
Well, the line-by-line review is done, as you can obviously see for yourself. But no matter; I like my little intros. Comments:
-> At first I thought that the “Matthew” was a signature to the note, I really did. But it’s not. So, line breaks - separate this part from the above one, and don’t wrack the poor reader’s nerves.
-> First dialogue sentence of the MC of this part. It’s detached from the rest. It’s there, yes, but floating. Vaguely.
-> Again, lack of details really, really leaves me speechless in neither a positive nor negative way. Neutral. It’s part of the story’s atmosphere (and that atmosphere is, I think, very good) and plays an important role. If you started adding details, and more description, then it would change completely. That does fight, however, with my inner need for details in everything.
-> ‘”Cause it sure as hell wasn’t how I wanted to spend mine.” - that, however, bothered me. It has a feel of coming out of the blue. A vague comment. I suppose that in the present situation that would be okay, except that the rest of the narration (here) is more down to earth. I object to that especially since it’s not stated later how exactly he’d spend that time.
-> The ending. Loved it. Anything more to say?
PART -- (the cast)
-> Rachel’s father. He can, I think, stand on his own, and is a strong, threedimensional character (yeah, I’ll resort to clichés, bear with me).
-> ‘man’. Or, Matthew. I liked his narrative, actually, and felt that it linked to the situation at hand quite well. That surprised me, since I usually consider characters like that “bleak”. Yours I somehow didn’t, and so you were saved, and not made to suffer and read the ramble that usually follows after such a classification. In Mattew, it all added up to, well, something. And whatever it did, it did with good results.
-> Justin. Carefree, but not, especially toward the end. Hmm. He has a life, I can’t say that he doesn’t, and a personality. It’s just that he doesn’t have a goal, at least in this section, as the two above characters do. The father was to kill, and Matthew to die. Justin, on the other hand, remains a mystery, and yet we know that he played a considerable role in the tragedy, too. I wonder, I do…
-> the woman (girl?). Her role is brief, and so not much can be said. I do hope she appears later on.
-> Sarah. She’s not there, she’s absent, and yet this whole piece, in a way, centers around her. You’ve managed to craft a very interesting character without her even being present. Nice.
Well, that is all for now. You have my full attention, so you should expect to get the crit on the second installment soon.
Cheers,
Esme
I made it!
Right, I don't want to go over any nit-picks that others have found so instead I'm just going to give you an overall review on characters and a couple of little things.
Wouldn't a chuckle make him seem even more crazy, rather than normal? In general, if a man is holding a gun to your head and laughing I think you would presume that he's a bit nutty.
I think for dramatic effect you could scrap this sentence. The repetition is good but this just states what you said before all the questions and it's a bit blah.....
Dad
The psycho father just doesn't seem scary or driven enough. He's a bit of a background character at the moment and I'm not too sure about him yet. Make me see what's going on in his head and just how focused he is on revenge.
Matthew
As previously said, Matthew seems a bit flat. I think he doesn't react enough and you either need him to be bricking himself or in complete denial. I think denial would work well as you have him constantly saying 'it's not our fault'. Then, when the gun is pointed at his head and you don't want him to do the screaming act then perhaps have him wet himself. It shows how scared he is and at the same time makes the reader's heart go out to him.
Overall
Flashbacks might be good for this piece. I think a few sprinkled here and there might give some more depth where needed. Or perhaps more thoughts from the characters. More contemplation of Sarah - this is happening because of her so we need to know about her a bit.
As to their age.... They do come across as much younger than 20, so you need to work on that. Either change their age to 17 and offer some sort of reason for the parents not being around (both at work, on holiday, visiting someone......) or change the background knowledge. I quite like the ball so I don't think you should get rid of that. Change the apartment to a big empty house that he suddenly feels consumed by.
I wouldn't mind some more description in here either. Some colours. Just a sprinkle more.
I did enjoy this and as always you have a lovely way of writing; your tone is great. Just put some more umph and feel into it. Make Matthew petrified and the father a near on lunatic.
Can't wait to read part 2 and see what happens.
Alainna
xxxx
Hey JFW. Just letting you know that I actually printed this out and suggested a lot of changes, but I have yet to learn how to scan it in - i made it long because I'm attempting to return the favor for all the reviews you've done for me. So your review is coming, just wait! (Mwa-ha-ha)
This was an awesome first part of the story! I have to hurry and write this so I can read the next part, but I saw a couple of funny things:
~CJ
For one, The guy Justin sure says 'man' a lot. we already know he's a guy, so you probably don't need to say it as much.
Also, you might want to mention Justins' name a couple more times. You only mention his name once, and I had to look back to figure it out. Also, when the guns' pointed to Matts' back, was his mind racing? were his hands clammy and shaking violently?
So, that's all I saw that might have needed some work. have fun editing, and PM me if you have any questions or just want to chat!
I am here, fair mademoiselle! Now, I tried to give you advice on what you said you had problems with, but I'm afraid I wasn't able to fulfill your expectations.
I hope it's still helpful, though!
Pronouns and Proper Nouns Starting Sentences:
This isn't so much getting rid of the pronoun as repeating it with another, but I think "They repeat" would work much better than "It's repeated".This is where I failed. I'm trying to see what you can do, but I can't come up with an overarching piece of advice or anything like it. :/ I tend to have this problem, too, and usually try to rearrange the sentence or change the wording, but I don't know how much it helps. I guess I'll just point out where I think you can spice it up a little and/or change it:
Combine the last two sentences: "He looks up at me, his eyes suddenly dead." You could reword/rearrange it to "With suddenly dead eyes, he looks up at me." But, I'm not sure that sounds better.
Again, this isn't really getting rid of both of the pronouns, but I think you can combine these sentences to form something like this: "That's all he can do and all he ever does: swear."
I think you can get rid of this pronoun by combining the first two sentences and making them a dialogue tag for the following dialogue: "Nodding, the paper still in his hands, "I was there, too, man. Remember?" But I don't know if that makes the line need "he says"...
For this one, either get rid of "I remember" altogether, or place "Of course" in front of it. This would also add some personality to Matthew, as "I remember" is rather plan and simple.
Just saying "The paper falls to his feet" is fine here.
I would place "Eyes glazed over," or some physical indication that Justin isn't aware of Matt anymore at the start of this sentence in order to keep it from starting with a pronoun. Also, you only say Justin's name once in the entire thing. You can use his name to keep a sentence from beginning with "He" in reference to Justin. Yes, it's proper noun, and you say you're having trouble with too many sentences starting with them, but they can help when you have too many "He"s within a few sentences of each other.
Here you may be able to rearrange the sentence so that it starts with a different pronoun other than "he". Something like, "His shoulder brushes against mine in the tight space as he walks past me and closes his hand around the doorknob."
I think you can eliminate the pronoun and write "The door opens and Justin walks out" instead. And saying Justin's name at his exit from this story is sort of a goodbye, if that makes any sense. It reminds us who is leaving.
(This problem made me happier, because I can actually help.
The best way to make Matthew seem more real is to give him a little emotion and describe what's happening to him physically. He's facing uncertain death, that does a lot to a person's nerves. You can add emotion to him through description, dialogue, and even punctuation. I also noticed that Sarah's father doesn't have much emotion, either.
What's happening with his body here? Is he starting to sweat, is his breath quickening, is he paling, are his eyes darting about or out of focus, or is his body having any other reaction associated with impending doom? Like this:But without some other hint of Matthew's emotions, the full effect and reason for this jump is lost.
See, without us seeing Matthew's body's reaction to the letter, we don't believe this.
Is he relieved? Give us a sigh of some sort or other reaction.
I imagine that you can add a stutter here, either in the quote or state that he's stuttering in the dialogue tags. Once again, it should add some emotion/personality.
And exclamation point would do wonders here.
Does he believe what he's saying? Is he trying to convince himself?
But he still may have a physical reaction, some sign as to what he feels, like a sigh of relief or acceptance or forlorn eyes/face.
How is he saying all this? Does his voice quiver? Is he quiet? I imagine that, as this goes on, he gets more nervous or withdrawn with shakes or sweat.
And a few individual tips for Sarah's father; they're basically the same as the tips for Matthew (emotion and physical description):
What does his voice sound like as he says these words? Is it a matter-of-fact, hateful, or hurt tone?
Here you can add more to what sort of smile that is - what emotion is behind it. For example, what are his eyes doing? Does the smile touch them, are they full of pain, or somewhere in between?
We also need to here what's going on in Sarah's father's voice near the end of this. Is it full of malice or determination, or is there a hint of pain?
What has? His following statement or the letter?
I'm fairly certain that's correct because 'she' and 'there' are singular.
I think these two sentences should be connected by a semicolon.
Fragments!! *twitch* I'd like it if you connected the sentences or made them not-fragments, like this; "Sarah's father, his face wild, unshaved, arm shaking in the air, and his eyes glued on my back, waiting to put a bullet in it."
You should describe how the ball is disgusting. We can assume why it's disgusting, because of how old it is, but we don't know how.
I'm enjoying this so far. It got really good and tense at the end, and the addition of Matthew's and Sarah's father's respective emotions and characterizations should add to the rest of the piece.
I'll get to Part Two as soon as I can. If Part One is any indication, it should be awesome.
Hey! I'm glad you posted in my Will Review for Food thingy. Haha. In fact... I've heard quite a lot about this story. I've never read it though. It looks very promising!
Dude. I'm halfway through the story and I can't find anything... *bawls*
Ah! Here we go!
This is perfectly well on its own, but I think changing the last part to, "I couldn't." would be suitable as well.
I'm not quite sure... how is that disgusting? I don' t think it is...
Holy friggen crap!
Oh wow. I don't even want to consider writing anything until I read the rest of this story. This was so great... almost perfect. One or two missed commas but for the most part you did excellent. Wow. That's all I can same.
I'm hooked.
He's dead... is the mom dead? Is the other kid dead?
*goes to read*
-Jared
Thanks for the reviews, everyone!
It wasn't too different, but a lot of things you didn't like I had already changed. I'll put up my newest version, though, with some of your corrections.
And gryph: you critiqued the old version!
Thanks everyone!
~JFW1415
Beautiful bit of imagery here.
This may just be me, but I think “half-smile” is technically the better choice.
Considering the tense you’re working in, “She would have never left” might be more accurate.
This is mostly just a stylistic difference, but what do you think about “The lock” rather than “My lock”?
Nix the last bit, tis redundant.
The repeated use of “my” here is really very good, gives you a definite sense of the character.
Having those so close together bugs me…
I don’t think you need the bit between dashes—it slows down the pacing and feels a bit too melodramatic.
This time the bit between the dashes is good, but the repletion of “paper” is frustrating; how about something like “such a flimsy little thing” or such?
Okay, just an observation here, but you have a great many very short paragraphs. It tends to work, what with the pacing you have going here, I just thought I’d point it out.
This confused me a little; I had to read it twice to realize he’s imagining the last two sentences. This could easily be remedied by 1) putting something like “I hear the bullet click into place” at the beginning and 2) tweaking the later verbs, for example “His arm would be shaking in the air” or “His eyes are glued on my back” you see what I mean?
How is it disgusting?
Oh very good. Very, very good.
I was with you up to this point, then I had a sudden and jarring vision of dinosaurs.
Overall
Delightful, darling. It’s really incredible to see how you’ve improved while maintaining your own style—a little sparse, direct, thoroughly involving, quite enjoyable. Kudos!
P.S. I thought Matthew was perfectly believable--who knows how someone will react to a gun pointed at them? Anyway, he suited your style, as I said.
This was really good. I can see now what you were telling me when you reviewed my story. But anyway, really good. I liked the way you built and maintained the atmosphere and the tension, all without using huge, clunky paragraphs (like I'm prone to). I have kind of a problem with the one kid's cursing, but that's partly because that's just my prerogative. I can understand that it's probably part of his character (no one's perfect after all). But I really liked this story. Sorry this is kind of short. I'm not all that good at reviews.
Cover
Hey! I said I would get to it, and I did!
This took a while, so it may take time for the next part. I really enjoyed it, well done! If you can't read it, or have any troubles let me know.
I'm not sure about this. Your character, Matthew didn't feel realistic to me and that made this scene hard to visualise. He's a kid, probably sixteen, seventeen? Maybe younger? And he's got a gun pointed at him and barely reacts? Be realistic! He's going to at least feel the pain. Something like that always hurts, no matter how emotionally numb a person is. This would be more dramatic and interesting if you make Matthew scared, hysterical, angry even. Especially with his friend for leaving.
At first, Matthew seems unsure as to whether the note is for real or not and then suddenly he's not at all surprised when Sarah's father enters. Make him a little surprised at least or maybe not expecting the gun? Or if he knows this guy to be the type to kill, show that earlier through the dialogue between the two boys or through thoughts because in the first section, he seems a reasonable, if highly concerned, unhinged and angry, father figure.
In general, the writing is good and you have some awesome dialogue in there, some good, dramatic sentences and great action but I'd like to see more description as well. And how would he have liked to spend his last ten minutes? Why not show him consider that when he reads the note, show us his thoughts. Would he have liked to spend them with Sarah? Is he regretting telling her to leave now? Just a little?
Build the atmosphere. Is there perhaps the smell of alcohol in the air - has Sarah's dad been drinking or smoking? How's the lighting? Low? Or high - has he turned on all the lights upon reading the note to try and chase away the shadows? Have the curtains been thrown open, has he considered calling people, inviting them over? Does he live alone?
Just a few questions for you to consider and while we're on that topic, I'm not sure that the listed questions at the end are too effective. I think you used too many so maybe cut it down a little. It will still have the same effect.
Overall, good start, could use some editing and I think 'man' was starting to feel a little strained and over-used as an address but love the plot and I look forward to reading the next part. Here's a few small, finer points before I go -
He lowers it to the paper and begins to write the message that has repeated in his head a thousand times. [This is one of those generic phrases that you find in a million novels across the world. I've used them. But that's not a good think. It would be much more dramatic to say something like: '...to write the message. The message that will not leave, that echoes in the recess of his mind.' except that I'm sure you can find a more unique way of saying it because this is your story and you're much more dedicated to spending time writing it XD]
She lets out a whimper at the name. “No, honey, they didn’t. She left [s]on[/s] of her own accord.”
Hello there!
At this point, I can already tell you start every sentence with pronouns, lol. I never really noticed it 'til now that I'm looking out for them. In fact, the sentence with She's frantic now... doesn't really do much except tell me what's happening. I kinda want to see her face instead. ^^
If the man said this, put it in the previous paragraph. If the woman said it, put a tag or attach it to the next paragraph. I'm thinking the man did, though, so join it with the previous paragraph. It's okay to end paragraphs with quotes. ^_^
Assuming this is transition to a new PoV, maybe put an extra space or two between this and the letter to make it clear to the reader. Otherwise, it's one of those "Woahness!
There must be a subject and a verb on either side of but to have a comma there. ^_^
Haha, great dialogue here!
He followed his eyes... to the clock? Matt was staring at the clock at this time, not the letter.
Because is so special that it doesn't need a comma. ^^
Until works just like because. ^_^
Wow. Lovely ending. I enjoy your writing so much! However, your sentences get so simple that it gets a bit old. Pronoun/noun verb... Pronoun/noun verb... However, you do add variety in your bigger paragraphs, so it's not a very big nitpick to worry about. You know it yourself, though, so there's not much I can say. Just keep in mind to aim for variety in sentence structure; it'll take rereading to get it down, but you'll find what to do. Again, I don't think it's anything to worry about.
Otherwise, this is really good. Off to the next part! ^_^
Jabber, the One and Only!
Very, very interesting plot! I'm going to have a word with the contest host guy if you don't win!
The character's motives were very, very clear. However, I think for that man to send the note...you need a little more elaboration for us--well, me--to say, "Darn! He deserves it!" You need a deeper dig at the past to make us smpathyize with the protagonist.
Very good story line. Good characters. Saw no typos. However, I had a word with my LA teacher today and she says no swears unless the emotion, situation or character calls for them. Your language is a bit overloaded to me.
Grade: A-