Incandescence

Staring_at_ceiling: You lump one cliche to another to form a poem that is both too-long and too-boring for anyone's attention-span. S2, S6 and S8 could be cut entirely without losing ...

Isis: During the course of revision, when you rewrite it to remove the abstractions and cliches (almost all of S2 and S4 are contrived narrative about flight and death) which ...

Jane: Wonderful poetry, no doubt. The first sentence, though, I wonder if it is truly necessary, as the image it poses does not serve towards any end that I can ...

mandax-- Kill S4 and you will have a decent piece. The opening doesn't work exactly. It doesn't make sense, and you need to explain that somehow "There was an only ...

ZanyPlebian -- Flowers and heartache? Give me a break. This would be greatly improved if you killed S1 and rephrased S2. Both, as they are, have terrible syntactic structure and ...

Hello Fabien, This feels exhausted: the list of all the standards in all their standard descriptions serves to...what? "Lady Luck"--blatant in all the trappings of contrition--only deflates what was a

JustLaugh-- faith has summarized this quite nicely. Also, Do not double-post your works. I will not hesitate to delete both if you do it again. Best, Brad

stupidiot92-- This is not working for me. The speaker seems to be developmentally challenged (I think that's the current term), but as a reader I'm given no good reason to ...

Trident - "Transubstantiation" is too much. The story, being in the first person, is difficult to wrench from the narrator's navel, and, as it stands, I don't really see it ...

DeathAngelRuby - re: "just becuz you don't like the style of the writing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Don't kid yourself. Style? It isn't apparent to anyone here where this "style" you claim exists ...

Jack - Same deal as before. The emptiness of the shop was a relief after the heaving crowds outside. *"emptiness" fails to invoke the image you want. I suggest "The ...

Tina - This starts out pretty standard, but I think the sudden shift to the mother is compelling enough to save it from the clutches of amateur screenwriting. As Clau ...

Hi Jack, Here's the low-down. Things in [blahblahblah] should be removed. Things in (blahblahblah) should be added. Things in blahblahblah should be reconsidered/rephrased. * denotes an in-line commen

Syllabic Count: 10 10 11 10 10 11 10 10 11 *This pattern gives it a lullaby-like tone. 10 10 9 *This breaks the lullaby pattern and suggests shortness, cuts ...

From: BlackDove I do like this story. A lot of the description was good and the idea has merit. Though i would like to pass on some constructive criticism. 1. ...