Published April 25, 2007
Within the chest, they erupt
from their silken cribs,
Weaving withered webs of want
amongst these fragile ribs.
In time, the quaint strings quiver,
Calling them to kill.
And creeping close they capture
all that isn’t still.
Wrapped in suffocating strings,
the victim’s nearly dead.
Spiders’ fangs aim for the prey,
But strike my heart instead.
The venom slowly pierces
the muscle’s last stance.
Even Cupid can't escape
sorrows of romance.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
"the muscles last stance"
that line seemed like it was missing a sylable. i liked the poem, but i jsut cant get over that one line. i like the wording, but it kinda messed up the rhythm in my head....nice work tho - keep it up.
p.s. i dont like spiders or love either. Lol
mandax--
Kill S4 and you will have a decent piece.
The opening doesn't work exactly. It doesn't make sense, and you need to explain that somehow "There was an only lady who swallowed a ... [spider]". You need to show us how your lovers threw spiders down your throat with every kiss; not tell us that after the fact.
Best,
Brad
Man. I loved the alliteration. It worked, which was a surprise.
"In time, the quaint strings quiver,
Calling them to kill.
And creeping close they capture
all that isn’t still."
^I especially loved that part.
But just to be helpful, I would say to rework the last stanza. It doesn't seem as good as the others. I would change 'sorrows of romance' to 'the sorrows of romance' and maybe something different for 'the muscle's last stance'.
Very nice. You pulled off the rhyme well - normally I find rhyming poems hard to swallow, but in this poem it worked nicely. Also well done with your imagery.
It's not too confusing, definitely by the third stanza your point is clear about the poem bering about love and not literally a spider, but you could maybe hint at it a bit sooner in the poem. Anyway, it's a polished piece. Good job.
The imagery is of a spider actually inside of a person ... the chest being a human chest, not like a treasure chest. The poem is about how love ends up killing you in the end (morbid, right?). The spiders represent the love actually blossoming within the persona, but in the end, the person dies because of them. Does that help? Maybe it is a tad confusing. Thanks for the critique.
Heheh, I'm VERY arachnaphobic(sp?), so this gave me chills just because of the title. Even so, I thought it was pretty good. Just a few things:
What chest?
I'm not criticizing this, but try saying that five times fast.
So, it was about love instead of a spider? I was a little confused about this part. It gave me chills too though. *shudders*
Again, I liked this. It was a tad bit confusing though.