Published April 17, 2007
Limp.
Breathless.
and Lifeless.
Pulled through a field,
like a toddler with a blanket.
Uncared for and beaten
Bruises cover her body.
The shovel drives into the ground
below the dirt he lowers her.
A respected man,
the guard of a family,
a father of a daughter,
Lost his temper again.
Beaten,
Scarred,
and tortcherd.
Another child lost to the hand
of an angry man.
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141,456 Literary Works • 674,469 Reviews
I totally disagree with faith as well. poetry is poetry, and the fact that the poem is about a father killing his own child and it is written in such a calm, smoothish (yes, I am making up words, deal with it) way makes it even more creative. Have you ever read the short story "The Stone Boy" by Gina Berriault? Well, this poem is an extreme comparison to her work. you'd have to go much farther into 'matter of fact' writing to get her style down.
I like the last two lines, keep them.
And you might want to get rid of some of those period and commas. You want a poem to move and stop short only with new ideas or thoughts come up.
The poem isn't as smooth as it could be, but it's a great start. set it down for a while, and then come back. Also, try reading more famous poetry, and poetry on Urbis.com and myspace blogs. You can learn a lot from those who have self-published.
JustLaugh--
faith has summarized this quite nicely.
Also,
viewtopic.php?p=185103&highlight=hand+angry+man#185103
Do not double-post your works. I will not hesitate to delete both if you do it again.
Best,
Brad
You do use very um whats the word...strong subjects in your poems, but unlike Faith i think you do it well. Sure, its not a common thing that people write poetry about, which makes it original and i think that you do have emotion in this.
Well done,
Meevs
xx
I absolutely disagree with Faith. (By the way the whole point of this site is to give constructive crit, not to patronize...)
Although a hard thing to write, this is a great attempt! I loved the first stanza, it caught my attention straight away!
To improve:
Could do without that line.
Before this could go 'He lost his temper again', although maybe try not to use the word lost too many times? Just a suggestion.
Great work,
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxxx
An exceptionally crude attempt at emotional manipulation. If you're going to to write about something as emotionally charged as a father killing his child, which you probably shouldn't because almost no one could pull it off, at least do it with some subtlety. Case in point:
well actually I can't pick out a line. It applies to the entire poem.
Honestly, I don't think this one can be saved. If you get a kick out of eliciting emotional response in people, try writing about something ordinary in a unique and powerful way. How about jelly beans? If you can write a poem about jelly beans that brings a tear to my eye, I'll truly respect you.
It's an effective way of beginning your poem, I think that after "breathless" it should be a comma. The rhyme works well.
I like the metaphor but it sort of implies that shes the toddler, not the blanket when I was reading it. The words are strong and the lines flow well, the alliteration of the b's later on works well.
"A respected man" - I think that you should add something to the beginning of the sentence, e.g. He was, it would just make it flow better.
Like before this is very effective. The rhyme, like before works very well. I like the form that you've used for this poem and the way that you've structured your stanzas.
Potent ending. Overall I think it is a strong, though provoking and emotional piece. Great work.