Heidigirl666

I quite liked this actually. :D It had a bit of a 'lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events' tone to it, or like Roald Dahl's style. It's a difficult style ...

Not bad. :) Vampires aren't my thing, but it was well written with no major problems to it, although the last paragraph and bit of dialogue was a bit rushed. ...

I loved this, it was wonderfully descriptive, the way you described John was just marvellous. But I agree with Sam on all the things she pointed out. There are a ...

I liked it, but I have to agree it is a little rushed, and the accent's are all over the place. For example, where it's supposed to be a Yorkshire ...

Um, this didn't make much sense to me. I liked the language and description and it was an intriguing prologue, but a lot of the sentence structures made it confusing ...

And what did you think of it? I've read it, but I found myself flagging a bit towards the end. It's sooo long, and there are some bits which I ...

Costumer. Hehe. *Giggle* If only we didn't all do that occasionally... :wink: I loved this, it was really descriptive, and a really well developed idea and the whole perspective is ...

The first thing I notice when reading the beginning is this, is that the tenses are a little mixed up in some places. Some present tense creeps into what's otherwise ...

I'm afraid I found this hard to get into; first of all it was difficult to identify with the character because the tone came across as, well, a bit dull. ...

I would say there's not a lot to change on this personally, but it could be developed into a longer piece, and make sure your grammar and spelling is checked. ...

It made me laugh. And I'm assuming that wasn't the reaction you were going for. :wink: It did move on far too fast, and the plot didn't seem to really ...

I really liked this, it was really sweet. The only thing I'd have to say is that the kids all having speech impediments is very distracting and annoying. :wink: There ...

I really liked this, it was a really sad and powerful piece of writing and you got the tone of a young child perfect. The only thing I'd have to ...

I think this wasn't bad, but really I would avoid second person. People are most likely to avoid reading it, as second person can come across as quite awkward. The ...

Maki-chan, it shouldn't be a capital 'I' there, it isn't the beginning of a sentence. :wink: However, because you've used abbreviations for boulevard and street it does look a little ...