z

Young Writers Society



Someday

by casey_kent


Someday

“I don’t want to go!” The little boy screamed.

“But sweetie, you have to go.” Jane Meyer told her 4-year-old son firmly. Instead of listening to his mother, little Bryle continued to squirm around her legs and scream while he strongly tugged at her jeans.

“I don’t want to go!” Bryle wailed again, tugging harder at his mother’s jeans.

“Ow, ow. That hurt Bryle.” Jane complained.

“I’m sorrwy,” Bryle apologized. “but still, I’m not going!”

“Bryle, you have to go.” Jane bent down to her son’s level. “Mommy doesn’t want you to go either but-”

“No!” Bryle pouted and crossed his little arms, a look that says he’s about to throw a tantrum. Although Jane knew how her son’s tantrum could go bad, she gently led him to a bright colored classroom.

“Sweetie, you have to go. Or else the police will get you instead.” Jane said trying to change his mind.

“No.” Bryle said firmly.

Jane sighed. She changed tactics and hopefully shows him how fun school could be. “Jason’s gonna be there. Don’t you wanna play with Jason?”

Bryle’s face lit up, but faded again quickly after a while. “But you’re not going to be there to play with me.”

“I’ll be there when you get home.” Jane said as she smiles sweetly at her son.

But instead of a nice reply, she got a pout of his lips, cross of his arms and shaking of his head. “No.”

She sighed again, almost giving up. “How about you go to school today and when you get home, I’ll have cookies and milk for you? How does that sound?”

It took Bryle to process this for a while. “Milk and cookies? Chocolate chip cookies?”

“Yes.” Jane nodded her head, smiling. “But only if you go to school.”

“Will you be home when I get home?”

“Of course, sweetie.” Jane kissed her son on the forehead then on his cheek.

A woman in a flowery dress approached the two with a pin saying ‘Jessica’ on it.

“Hi there.” The woman greeted. “You are Jane right? Bryle’s mother?”

“Yes I am.” Jane shook the woman’s hand.

“I’m Ms. Jessica and I’ll be Bryle’s teacher.” The Blonde said, smiling. Her attention turned to Bryle who was hiding behind his mother’s legs. “And this must be Bryle.”

“Yes, this is Bryle. He’s a little…shy.” Jane explained although she knew that was far from the truth. Bryle is quiet compared to other kids. He prefers to sit in a corner rather than play and mingle with others.

“Well, that’s okay. I’m sure he’ll grow out of that phase soon.” Jessica assured Jane while smiling down at Bryle.

“You don’t think that it’s too late for him to join, do you?” Jane asked, concerned at Bryle’s late entrance into kindergarten.

“No, not at all. It’s only been a week. Granted that some of the kids have already formed their own playgroups…” Jessica stopped short at the worried expression playing on Jane’s face. “But I’m sure that he’ll fit right in. The kids are happy to play with anyone who’s willing to play with them.”

Jane sighed with relief, smiling again. “Well…I guess that I’d better say ‘good-bye’ to him.” She gently pried Bryle’s hands from her legs and bent down so that she was eye level with him.

“Bryle, sweetie Mommy has to go now.”

Bryle pouted, his bottom lip trembling. She hated leaving him like this.

“I’ll come back for you later okay?” Jane pulled him into a tight hug. Then stood up as Jessica takes Bryle’s hand leading him into the classroom. Jane watched her son as he goes in. He looked back at her. There were tears pooling in his big blue eyes of his and refrained herself from crying.

Finally, Bryle turned away from his mother and followed Ms. Jessica where she introduced him to the class.

Everyone peered at him. Trying to figure out whether he likes trucks or sandboxes.

“Go ahead and play with the other kids, Bryle.” Ms. Jessica smiled at him. He took a few steps forward.

“Hello!” A voice told him. He turned to his right finding a girl in a pink dress beaming at him.

“Uhh, hello.” He replied shyly, knowing it was a girl. A pretty girl.

“I’m Ashley. What’s your name?” The little girl asked him.

“I’m Bryle.” He told the girl quietly, realizing that she is the kind of girl that he likes.

“Well, hello Bryle.” Ashley smiled at him sweetly. “C’mon, let’s go play!” Ashley took a hold of his hand, pulling him towards a circular table with a tea set laid out on it. Several kids pointed and giggled at the pair.

“Hey! Look at Ashley and Bryle!” a boy with blonde hair shouted.

“Bryle’s got cooties from Ashley!” another chimed in. There was a murmur of laughter and giggles, particularly from the girls.

Bryle felt himself stop, their words echoing in his head.

“Bryle? C’mon, I thought we were gonna go play!” Ashley said brightly, oblivious to the class’ attention on them. She tugged on his hand to get him to move, but Bryle wouldn’t budge.

“Bryle’sgot cooties!” the class chanted.

Bryle felt his cheeks reddening while Ashley was intent on getting to the tea table before the other girls did.

“Bryle’s got cooties!”

“Bryle? Let’s go!”

And so on it went.

Abruptly, Bryle pried his hands from Ashley’s grasp, shoving her away from him. His actions shocked both him and her.

“I do not have cooties!” he shouted at the kids taunting him. Hastily, they stopped, not wanting him to snitch on them for fear of Ms. Jessica revoking their snacks.

Once the crowd had shuffled away, Bryle turned back to Ashley. Her bottom lip was trembling and her eyes were watering.

After gazing at each other for a minute or so, Ashley finally turned away. Bryle watched helplessly as she ran out of sight. Her friend, Emily, having witnessed the whole thing, shot him a nasty look, and went after her.

Bryle stood there, stunned. He wanted to cry…scream…hit something. But most of all, he wanted his mommy.

“…and next we can build New York. Even that big, tall building with that ball on top of it.”

Bryle sat next to his best male friend, Jason. Both were snacking on crackers and juice that Ms. Jessica had served to the class. While Jason’s mind was on building blocks and such, Bryle’s was on Ashley.

He had a sinking sensation at the pit of his stomach and it kept getting worse the more he thought about what he did to Ashley earlier that morning. He had yet to spot neither head nor tail of her since that incident and he was thoroughly convinced that she hated him and would never marry him.

Bryle looked around the room, his hand holding up his head. Off to the side, he spotted Ms. Jessica speaking with Emily, Ashley’s friend.

“Ms. Jessica, Ashley won’t come in.”

Bryle turned to the window where he saw Ashley sitting on a swing outside. Suddenly, he stood up, making up his mind.

“Bryle! Where are you going? Come bwack here!” Jason called disappointed his friend left.

Bryle ran out the door before anyone would notice him. Ashley was still on the swing, her pigtails swaying back and forth. Bryle approached her cautiously.

“Ashley?”

She stopped the swing with both feet. Bryle watched as she pouted and crossed her arms before turning away from him.

He stepped toward her until he was in front of her.

“Go away Bryle. You’re not my friend anymore.” Ashley said coldly. It made him feel ten times guiltier as he was now.

“I’m sorry, Ashley.” He took a seat on the swing next to hers.

But Ashley still refused to look at him and continued to swing while looking away from him.

Silently, Bryle began to cry, his lip trembling. When Ashley heard a small sob, she turned to him quickly. Her heart sank at the sight of him crying.

“Aww. Bryle, don’t cry.” Ashley got off the swing and hugged Bryle. Bryle hugged her back, just as tightly, sniffing.

“It’s okay, Bryle. I forgive you.” Ashley smiled at him. Bryle looked up surprised.

“Rweally?”

“Yes.” Ashley nodded, the twinkle in her eyes coming back.

“You’re still my fwiend?” Bryle asked, standing up.

“Of courwse, silly!” Ashley exclaimed. She enveloped him in a hug again. “I’ll always be your fwiend!”

Bryle gave her a toothy grin. Maybe she would marry him someday. Someday.


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411 Reviews


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Mon May 19, 2008 3:19 pm
Sohini wrote a review...



A fresh idea for romance indeed!!

It's sweet as everyone has told you already, only I found the conversations in the beginning a tad too dragging. They kept on and on with the same theme about Bryle going to school.

That's all I can say and it was an enjoyable read on the whole.




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Sun May 18, 2008 8:41 pm
summergrl13 says...



I loved this! Too cute! You totally captured that kindergarten atmosphere perfectly! Nice job! I'm excited to read more from you!




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Sun Apr 27, 2008 6:05 pm
Summerless says...



This is so cute! You totally have a child's characterization and dialogue mastered. I'm so giving you a gold star.




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Sat Apr 26, 2008 7:38 pm
Livinginfantasy wrote a review...



AWWWWWW!
That was so sweet! Apart from a few grammatical errors, which I'm sure were pointed out, that was the cutest.
I seriously almost cried. I literally said 'aww' so loud my mom awoke form her slumber.
Nice effect you had on me there. A+
*clicks gold star*




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Sat Apr 26, 2008 12:07 pm
Aly_Tobias says...



Aww! This is so cute! I can't help but love it! Alright, there are some errors but it already looks like they've been pointed out to you so I'll leave them be. Keep it up, this is kawaii! ^^




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Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:44 pm
Heidigirl666 wrote a review...



I really liked this, it was really sweet.

The only thing I'd have to say is that the kids all having speech impediments is very distracting and annoying. :wink:

There are a few grammar mistakes, that have mostly already been pointed out; other than that, don't change a thing. :D




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Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:25 pm
chyeahmclovinx3 says...



awhh, this is absolutely ADORABLEE !
eeek, i love it.
[:




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Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:40 am
crazy_lil_blondie wrote a review...



I liked the plot, and the pretense of the story.

However. [there's always one! :P]

The thing that threw me off several times was that you switch tenses in the middle of a sentence. It sounds awkward, and I'm not sure which tense you supposed to be writing in.

For example:

“No!” Bryle pouted and crossed his little arms, a look that says he’s about to throw a tantrum. Although Jane knew how her son’s tantrum could go bad, she gently led him to a bright colored classroom.


"A look that says he's" should be "A look that said he was" in order for the sentence to make sense.

Also, every single 'quote' doesn't have to have something describing the way it was said. Sometimes it adds interest if the reader just sees the words said, and can imagine themselves how it is said. Example:

“I don’t want to go!” Bryle wailed again, tugging harder at his mother’s jeans.

“Ow, ow. That hurt Bryle.” Jane complained.

“I’m sorrwy,” Bryle apologized. “but still, I’m not going!”

“Bryle, you have to go.” Jane bent down to her son’s level. “Mommy doesn’t want you to go either but-”

“No!” Bryle pouted and crossed his little arms, a look that says he’s about to throw a tantrum. Although Jane knew how her son’s tantrum could go bad, she gently led him to a bright colored classroom.

“Sweetie, you have to go. Or else the police will get you instead.” Jane said trying to change his mind.

“No.” Bryle said firmly.


This section could be restructured to look like the following:

“I don’t want to go!” Bryle wailed again, tugging harder at his mother’s jeans.

“Ow, ow. That hurt Bryle!”

“I’m sorrwy,” Bryle apologized. “but still, I’m not going!”

“Bryle, you have to go. Mommy doesn’t want you to go either but-”

“No!” Bryle pouted and crossed his little arms, a look that says he’s about to throw a tantrum. Although Jane knew how her son’s tantrum could go bad, she gently led him to a bright colored classroom.

“Sweetie, you have to go. Or else the police will get you instead.” Jane desperately said, hoping to change his mind.

“No!”

This adds interest, and allows for the timing of the conversation to flow more smoothly in the reader's head.

Hope I helped! :D




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Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:27 pm
Moving Forward wrote a review...



Although Jane knew how her son’s tantrum could go bad,

The 'how' throws me off. Instead, you could say she knew 'that' it could go bad. If you say how, I kind of expect you to explain how.

Jane said trying to change his mind.

Jane said, tring to change his mind. (I'm a stickler for punctuation and grammar)

"Sweetie, you have to go. Or else the police will get you instead.”

That should be: "Sweetie, you have to go, or else the police will get you instead." On the other hand, you could say: "Sweetie, you have to go. Otherwise, the police will get you instead." If you do choose to say 'or else' and start the sentence with it, it should be followed by a comma, as with 'Otherwise,[b/]'.

Bryle’s face lit up, but faded again quickly after a while.

'quickly after a while' is an oxymoron (something that contradicts itself). It is a bit confusing. You may want to switch around the wording in order to make it clearer. You could say 'but after awhile, it faded again.' I'm not sure about the 'awhile' vs. 'a while'; you could check http://www.answers.com/topic/awhile.

“I’ll be there when you get home.” Jane said as she smiles sweetly at her son.

The quote should be followed by a comma when 'Jane said' (or anyone said, really) is part of the sentence: "I'll be there when you get home," Jane said as she smiles sweetly at her son."
Also, you switched tenses. Jane 'said', then she 'smiles'. Said is past tesne, so if you used said you would say she smiled. If you want her to be smiling (a.k.a. Jane smiles), you would need to put 'say'. (If you're getting confused, PM me and let me know!)

, she got a pout of his lips, cross of his arms and shaking of his head.

She should get a pout of his lips, [b]a
cross of his arms, and ashaking of his head to make it sound more fluid.

“How about you go to school today and when you get home,

When it's a compound sentence (see http://www.answers.com/topic/compound-s ... inguistics), you should use a comma before the conjunction (in this case, 'and').

It took Bryle to process this for a while.

It took Bryle what? I know what you mean, but you forgot the verb.

“Hi there.” The woman greeted

As I said before, the quote should be followed by a comma. 'The' should not be capitalized because I assume you want these sentences as one sentence: "Hi there," the woman greeted." Also, you may want to say the woman greeted them.

“I’m Ms. Jessica and I’ll be Bryle’s teacher.” The Blonde said, smiling

This one must be self-explanatory by now. :)

Her attention turned to Bryle who was hiding behind his mother’s legs.

...turned to Brylewho was hiding...
http://www.answers.com/topic/complex-sentence-2 for help with this.

He’s a little…shy.” Jane explained

And again! :)

Jane explained although she knew that was far from the truth. Bryle is quiet

Switching tenses again. explained is past tense, is is present tense.

I’m sure he’ll grow out of that phase soon.” Jessica assured

Just pointing out another quote.

Jane watched her son as he goes in

Switching tense. Jane watched as he went, or Jane watches as he goes in.

Everyone peered at him. Trying to figure out whether he likes trucks or sandboxes

Although I'm sure you probably did this for style, I'd like to point out that the second sentence is a fragment. Although doing this sometimes is okay, it sounds kind of odd in this context.

“Hello!” A voice told him

Although it need no comma because of the '!', 'A' should not be capitalized.
The first sentence of the three next lines also need changed.

Bryle’sgot cooties!”

Typing error here; there should be a space between the two words.

He had a sinking sensation at the pit of his stomach and it kept getting worse the more he thought about what he did to Lana earlier that morning.

Who is Lana?

You’re not my friend anymore.” Ashley said coldly.

Another quote punctuation error.

It made him feel ten times guiltier as he was now.

It should be 'than' instead of as.

The next line after that has another quote punctuation error.

That was good, aside from the punctuation errors. Sorry for being a grammar freak. One other thing I noticed was how Ashley and Bryle talked normally at the beginning and middle, then used 'w's (you know what I mean) at the end. I thought the idea was good and it was well developed.




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Thu Apr 24, 2008 2:22 pm
Conrad Rice says...



Aww! I loved this story! You portrayed everything so simply, exactly the way that is should be with little children. I really liked your characters and felt really attached to them by story's end.





"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
— Richard Siken