Eleven days was all she was given. The message came on her cell phone, and at first she didn’t mind—weird text message forwards like this were sent by the thousands every day. But when she got the feeling that she was being followed, it suddenly became much more than a stupid little text forward.
“You have eleven days to live. Live them wisely.”
It was approaching 5:30 PM on August 25, exactly eleven days since she received the text, and she was a nervous wreck. Who sent the message? How would she die? Would anyone notice? The questions ran through her head at a thousand miles an hour as a black figure drew up behind her. She didn’t even see the weapon strike as she fell to the ground, dead.
The figure walked away. He pulled out his cell phone, and began typing a new message:
“You have eleven days to live. Live them wisely.”
The figure hit a “Random Number” feature on his phone, and waited.
CHAPTER ONE
Detective Arnold Baxter rolled up to the corner of Cherry St. and Oxford Blvd. in his 1996 Lincoln Continental. Dressed in his trademark beige suit, grey shirt, and black tie, he stepped out of his vehicle and surveyed the scene. At 52 years old, he was the most experienced member of the force, but he never flaunted it in anyone’s face. He never sought attention, and although he was offered the position of Lieutenant, he gave it up twice. He preferred to stay behind the scenes, but often times it meant that his work went by unnoticed by the public, and unappreciated by his peers.
It was 6:30 PM on August 25, but the temperature in Lorendo, Texas, was still a steaming 89 degrees. Arnold wiped the sweat from his brow, and walked over to the police tape. He flashed his badge, and the officer at the tape let him through. He made his way around the crowd of officers and forensics experts, taking pictures and collecting evidence, to the body, which now lay draped with a white cloth. Police Chief Kevin Bradley, in his standard-issue black uniform and clipboard in hand, stood next to the body, and quickly glanced over at Arnold when he approached.
“Kristen Marquez, age 23,” said Kevin. “She was found here by a passerby. Nobody saw who killed her, or with what. So far, no evidence on or around the body. We’re running cold.”
“Christ,” said Arnold. “Not the best way to end the day.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Arnold lifted the sheet from Kristen’s body, and sighed at the mess. A gaping wound in the back of her neck made the head sit at an unnatural angle. Blood pooled at the wound and started to be absorbed by the dirt underneath. Her eyes were wide open, which seemed to indicate that the attack was a surprise, and she died instantly.
“You didn’t bother to close the eyes?” Arnold asked.
“We contacted the family, and they said that she told them she wanted to be cremated anyway, so we just never did it,” replied Kevin.
Arnold shrugged. “It’s a good prank to pull on the coroner.”
Kevin chuckled, and then turned to answer a question from one of his officers as Arnold continued to examine the body. Kristen was still clutching her purse, an indication that the motive was not theft; her clothes were unruffled, indicating no molestation or rape. Arnold looked around the area, and wondered why anyone would try to kill someone in the middle of the busiest intersection in Lorendo. He determined the preliminary motive as a “kill for thrill”.
Arnold rose as the coroner returned to collect the body. She lifted the white sheet, screamed, and smacked a now laughing Chief Bradley. Only sick humor creeps out of police work.
Arnold smiled, and felt the familiar buzz of his cell phone in his pocket. He took it out to see “ONE NEW MESSAGE” flash across the screen. He flipped open his phone, and read the message:
“You have eleven days to live. Live them wisely.”
On August 25, at 7:00 PM, the countdown began with a sniper bullet whizzing past his ear and into the skull of one of the officers.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Eleven Days In Hell #2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,256 Literary Works • 673,073 Reviews
Thanks for the crits!
Bumping because:
1.) I just finished the rough draft, so I'm boosting interest in it again, and
2.) This is a new, edited version of Chapter One. If you critted before, check it out again. If not, then here is an improved version.
Hello, Roon here, at your request! I may not get all 7 chapters reviewed today lol! I have a free day tomorrow though, so I will get it done!
The bit before chapter one:
I would just say stupid little text. The forward is obsolete.
I would add a comma after hour.
Apart from that, it was incredible! Seriously, I was hooked from the first sentence! Wow! You have a real skill here. One thing I would suggest is giving her a name, it will make the reader feel more connected, at the moment she is just a nameless victim. Also, could you think of a more sinister text? I know it threatens to kill her and everything, but it’s not… catchy. Something that sort of rolls of your tongue, making the villain seem more eloquent and mysterious.
Chapter one:
The punctuation isn’t ideal here.
I would say we’ve found no evidence on the body, or in the area, as of yet. The ‘that we know of yet’ doesn’t work for me, I don’t know why.
I would add a comma after ear.
This chapter is equally as gripping as the first! Though I think you could describe the surroundings more. We need a sense of where we’re supposed to be.
There is next to no character development here, as of yet. The pace is good, and the mood is fantastic. When I read the bit about the message, it was so chilling! Well done, nice effect.
Your account, at the moment, is very factual. It wouldn’t hurt to add a little more emotion in. your characters don’t seem to have a personality at all. I think this needs to be worked on, as if we don’t care about your character, soon we will lose interest. However, this truly is fantastic.
There wasn’t much nitpicking to be done. Probably because it has already been extensively reviewed. However, I think that you should go back to this chapter when you’ve written the end of it, as your writing will have developed, and you will have a better idea of your character as a person, which will mean there may be things you want to change, don’t forget how important the beginning is.
Thank you for posting in my thread, I will get on to the next piece now!
~ Roon
You got me hooked.. I really want to read more
Worth the hard work 
<3
omg omg omg i love this story...
Most of my editing, what there is, is in the document below.
Firstly: With text messages you can put numbers, rather than ONE. I have never seen ONE displayed when it comes to new text messages!
Honestly it sounds like the movie, "One Missed Call" where a ghost sends messages out to people, telling them that they only have a little time until they die. The concept is good, and I can see that you probably will be able to add suspense to the story easily. What just is making me wonder a little bit is whether this killer is human or not. If it's human, then that human is a genious and you could add highly-designed death traps like in Saw, but more murderous. Think about it, but that is my criticism.
i like where this is going, and i'm intrigued to where it does go.
But you're showing rather than telling. It's all very story-like and not 'in the moment' as it could be to make it that more interesting.
Mainly i think you have to work on the dialogue. A lot of the discovery of body is the detective to himself - police officers usually voice their opinions so all around them get it too, and they'd never usually come to conclusions before the coroner has looked at the body. First impressions are deceitful and to be a proper police crime scene his inner thoughts should become dialogue and he should interact more with the characters around him.
Not bad though!
I like it and cannot wait for ch.1
this is good! its interesting and mysterious
who is the killer? why is he killing people? are the victims connected in any way?
why is it eleven days? why not 13 (unlucky for some) or 7 ( a supposedly magic number)?
I like this. Although I would read this story, it does seem a bit cliche in horror movies and/or stories. Try to make it something different than dying in a given amount of time. Give the plot a huge twist to make it unlike 100 other stories/movies. This could be turned into something good, though.
Also, I've never seen a "call random" feature on a cellphone. Does he have a special cellphone? And, how does he find these people?
Well, the people before me have already said everything. I'm intrigued by this; why do they have eleven days? Why not ten or twelve or even the unlucky thirteen? Well, I was just wondering about one thing in this piece. If the killer hits a random number dial, how does he find the victims and know who to kill?
wow i dont think there's anything to say that hasn't been said, so I'll just say again that this was pretty good
i've tried writing things like this but i never seem to be able to make them seem nearly as serious
most of all i like where the story is going : P
Hm. Interesting. Your characters are believable and the plot is original. Which is screaming 'Read me!' all over it. I'm hooked. Which is, of course, a most important start.
^^ Now, that. Was unexpected. But it was a great touch.
I can't wait to read your later chapters.
Also, a good title goes a long way. Going through the forums, yours caught my eye. Simple yet intriguing. Great job.
Cheers. :]
Well, you got me hooked. Definitely reading on. Couldn't spot any errors that hadn't already been pointed out.
This was a good start. I liked how at the end you used a kind of shocking, yet simple statement to draw us readers into the next chapter/part.
"Only sick humor seeps out of police work. "
This sentence is a little too deep for me. I kind of understand the concept, but a sentence like this in the middle of a story like that seems out of place. Maybe if you used less formal (by this I mean seeps and humor) language, it would make more sense. For example, you could say, "Leave it to a cop to make a joke like that at a time like this." It takes away some of the feel of educational-ness.
I think you made a good decision not to elaborate too much on the character of the girl who died. My one qualm is that you could have told more about her follower: did he kept popping up everywhere, running into her at the grocery store, or did she just see him in the corner of her eye? This might draw us in and make us care more about her and not just think she's overreacting or being paranoid.
Way to keep it light in a death scene!
This part confused me. It might just be me, but it just didn't seem to read very easily. When I first read it, it sounded like the forensic experts were "collecting evidence to the body", which made no sense. I think some commas might help it read a little easier:
"...he made his way around the crowd of officers and forensics experts, busy taking pictures and collecting evidence, to the body, which now lay draped with a white cloth."
Other than that, I liked it. There was something good about the general atmosphere of the crime scene. The dialogue and the characters were believable and realistic.
And I liked this bit. For some reason, the numbers, particularly the temperature, set the tone of the piece. It's straight to the point and rather brash, and that tone carries on throughout the piece. I like it.
I'll look forward to reading more.
Josh
TELLING! That first sentence was so... blah! And so was the paragraph!
I'm sorry, was that too mean? I really don't want to sound harsh, but after that first paragraph, I had to stop.
What's up with going into every last detail? 1996 Lincoln Continental?? Well, this is just an opinion, but I really could care less about cars. Up to the point where I don't even know what that car even looks like.
I want you to show me!
That intro before the chapter was great. 'Eleven days was all she was given'. I like that. I also like the idea, even though it sounds a lot like some movies I've seen or mangas I've read.
But then again *points to sig* I like cliche. But seriously 'The Ring' kept flashing into my head up to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.
But then again, who am I to judge? I'm not so great myself, am I?
But that first paragraph seriously needs work!
It's just my opinion, though. You don't have to take it to heart! (Sorry, I felt like a total party pooper right now.)
Maki-chan, it shouldn't be a capital 'I' there, it isn't the beginning of a sentence.
Apart from the fact that unless they're a forensic examiner, they wouldn't even touch the body, they certainly wouldn't examine it until it was on the autopsy table.
However, because you've used abbreviations for boulevard and street it does look a little odd here.
I liked this though, a lot, it was an interesting beginning, and the sick humour was great, although I was a little confused by the part about not closing her eyes.
It doesn't make any sense; why would you contact the family when they'd only just been killed, and why would they tell them they wanted to be cremated? Does this make a difference?
This sentence also confused me.
Do you mean it had done this, or it was doing it right then; because in that case, once you're dead your blood congeals very quickly, so that's unlikely.
CApatilize the I.
Not too bad. WHen you post more tell me. ^_^
I'm hooked. From the very first line you had my interest. I like the idea of the text message. Something so silly, generally to be ignored by recipients. It's a good idea.
The way you pertrayed the crime scene was realistic and the fact that the next victim targeted is a cop makes for an interesting twist. I look forward to reading more
This was good.
You have started these three sentences with 'He' and it sounds a bit repetitive.
I think you meant 'an' instead of 'and'.
I'm not sure you should be using caps...
Overall, it's really good work.
Peace V
Inky
I really want to know the motive of the killer and why eleven days. Lol.
So far, so good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the succeeding chapters. Hope it doesn't wreck that good start-up. Don't disappoint! I'd love to to read all of em.
<3 JACE
I do like the sick humor here, it does have it's place in a scene like this. I like that you played it out the way that you did, and cops do use sick humor to play off a sad situation. It kinda helps the deal with it, and I'm glad you acknowledged that.
Your characters are believable and the dialogue wasn't boring.
So far I am interested, and that's good.
Pretty much I like this a bunch and can't wait for the next chapter