Aisho

The things I'm worried about have to do specifically with grammar and formatting, but they're nothing that can't be easily fixed. My best advice would be to go over it ...

Be careful with your pronouns in the beginning ~ you started losing definition between the characters. That can get really confusing really fast. I really enjoyed it. For all that ...

This has been pretty well picked over already, so all I'll say is that you need to be wary of "mysterious openings." You're trying to make us wonder what's going ...

I'm a little bit lost as to the point of any of this ... I feel like I'm constantly traveling and the tour guide keeps saying "It's a surprise, you'll ...

Commas. You have to work on your comma usage. You have commas in places they shouldn't be, and then you switch tenses right in the middle of the sentence. Example: ...

I *really* enjoyed it. :) The only thing that I really could not abide (the other mistakes are no doubt errors in speed, which happen to me all the time ...

Slow down! There's a lot of typos, and it feels a bit rushed. Criticism aside, though, I loved it! Rakari is awesome. ;) Like greenjay said, be careful -- romance ...

The first sentence -- take out the bit about the moonlight. Once that's gone, it flows sooo nicely. Also, when you're describing her hair, just cut out the bit about ...

Um ... okay ... I've really liked all your previous work, but this one kind of flopped for me. This is why: When a family friend (who is assumably like ...

That was great. At first I was wondering why you were dumping us in the middle of a "guess what I've been hiding the fact that I'm an [insert monster ...

I disagreed with a great many of the proceeding posts -- your spacing is fine, plane really is supposed to be plane (ignorance is bliss?), and there's nothing wrong with ...

Try italicizing their thoughts -- it'll make it easier for people to understand. It's a good framework, but there's definitely room for improvement. The first sentence bothers me -- too ...

It was a little mixed up -- the transitions from one place to another were practically nonexistant. One minute it's day, and in the next it's night, and I'm trying ...

I loved it. No one part of it seemed too unrealistic or awkward; the parts that could be considered as such were primarily stylistic choices anyway, and unique to the ...

Nooo tell her tell her tell her!!! D: There's a few grammatical mistakes, but due to time constraints (grr!) I'm just going to say that they're there -- someone else ...