The snowflakes had just begun to fall silently to the ground in the moonlight as two figurines stood on a snow laden hill, silhouetted against the midnight sky.
“You ready for this?” The voice was that of a teenage boy.
“All my life.” The girl’s words echoed, lingering in the light of the moon beams.
“So am I.” The boy echoed back. His black hair waved in the wind carelessly, the blue highlights that adorned the tips shimmering faintly in the moonlight.
The girl began walking down the hill, crisp snow crunching with every step.
“Then let’s go.” revenge filled her voice. Her own black hair fluttered in the wind, the red that adorned the tips shimmering faintly in the light of the full moon as well.
At the bottom of the hill two snow white horses pawed the ground, their breath frosting in the winter air. She mounted the horse, her eyes gazing into the trees.
“Azure…” The girl forced herself to look away from the forest and towards the boy who was halfway down the hill.
“What?” she asked as a winter wind sent shivers down both of their spines.
“Good luck…” His voice grew soft but his eyes were locked with Azure’s. “And be careful.” He hopped on his horse as well.
“Don’t worry, Zandalar, I’ve been training for this all my life.” she forced a grin to crawl across her face, and then reigned her horse towards the castle that was below them in the white valley. She clicked her tongue twice to get the horse galloping and then was on her way to the castle.
Zandalar trotted at a slower pace, but was right behind Azure. He glanced up at the sky, and then to the castle. A light had been lit at the castle; Azure had already made her appearance, now it was his turn.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you. Those sound like good sugestions. I'll change that. Now...I just have to figure out where I'm going with this thing because it was a story my friend and I put together. We planned the stuff together and I was to write it. But...he's at bording school right now...so...I'm probably just gunna have to go along with what he left me with. Oh goody...choices...I hate choices...D:
The first sentence -- take out the bit about the moonlight. Once that's gone, it flows sooo nicely.
Also, when you're describing her hair, just cut out the bit about "shimmering ... moon." Especially since you say it resembles his, you shouldn't copy the description over. Say something different, then comment about the likeness, such as: "... so much like Zandalar's."
Other than that, it was good. I liked the image of them standing on a snowy hill in the middle of the night -- very impressive.
That's a good Idea, I'll think about it. I am always open for suggestions.
: D
I like it. I don't think must change has to be made. It's great writing.
One idea I'd have is have it bee an intro, but take out the names, and have this passage be later in a larger story. It would be intresting for readers, and you could drive them insane to find out who the character's are, making them want to keep reading.
I agree with the above, but I also have to admit that the way it is, with so little information, kind of intrigues me and makes me want to keep reading and finding out what it is Azure is going to do. I don't know this for sure, but I think it's a great example of the whole "show, don't tell" thing. It might need a little more detail in some places, but otherwise I think it's a very good start.
Thank you both! That helps alot! I will most definately work with what you have said. : D
" The girl’s words echoed, lingering in the light of the moon beams. “So am I.” The boy echoed back."
You use Echo twice. Try a different word. Repeating yourself is not always the best. "The girl's words echoed, lingering in the stillness of the night. "So am I." The boy replied, his black hair waving carlessly in the wind. The blue highlights that adorned the tips shimmered in the moonlight." Something like that.
" Her own black hair fluttered in the wind, the red that adorned the tips shimmering faintly in the light of the full moon as well."
This is the exact same phrasing as the sentence above. Try wording it differently. "The dark black hair of (insert name) flowed streaming in the light wind, the red tips glowing in the light of the full moon." That just chages it a bit.
Try to use a variety at the beginning of your sentences. THey don't all have to start witha noun. Like so, "Running into the forrest, Mathew searched for the legendary monster." Sentences like this capture your readers interest and holds them there.
This was good, but you could use a little more detail.
Just a little fine tunning and this will be excellent.
Hope I could help!
Jamie Bondage
Hokay, these seems to be part of a story, like a small excerpt (I can't spell for the life of me >.<) from a larger story. This is, of course, fine; it just seems that one might need a little more information to fully grasp what is going on.
you have the makings of a perfectly good intro here, with or without the extra info. You have made a setting; all snowy and wintery, and have introduced the two main(?) characters.
However
Some of your wording is... flowery?... I'm not sure if that is the term I want hehe, and I shall explain what I mean - in terms of your work- at a later point in time. I intend to write an in-depth crit for you at a later point in time (when I'm not half asleep)... if you like.
I think this is a wonderful begining, and cannot wait to see more.
*hearts* Le Pengiun.