So, hopefully, this one is better than the last one! It's much more creative and less info-dumpy than the last two. I do a LOT more showing than telling to, which I'm VERY happy to say!! I can't wait to see what everyone thinks. *Closes eyes tightly and hopes everyone likes it*
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Prologue
The fog settled slowly over the decrepit town. All was deserted and decayed. The little city had the feel of a long-forgotten, sad place. Kaden shivered, just like he always did, and walked into the town, his cloak swishing around his ankles.
He gave in to a tiny grin, despite his setting. He could never shake the pleasure of wearing something so…fun. He shook his dark hair out of his eyes and moved on.
“Wipe that grin off your face, you’re making me sick,” A voice deep within the shadows bellowed. Kaden didn’t flinch.
“So it’s a crime to smile now?” He retorted, staring at the spot where the voice came from. Out of the depths of a crumbling building walked a gruff looking, dirty, middle-aged man.
“It is when you’re in this town…” The man said, pulling his weather-worn cloak closer to his body.
Kaden gave a joyless laugh, and the two moved on toward to very far edge of the town. Clouds of fog wafted by in the breeze
“Why are you always late?” A girl’s voice, crisp and sharp, came to them from a short ways away.
“There was an old man having some trouble getting across the street,” Kaden replied nonchalantly. They almost couldn’t spot the other three teenagers at the end of the road.
They all sighed impatiently. “I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to. This place is cursed,” said one of the adolescents, a boy with darker skin and hair the same shade as a raven’s.
“Oh please, there are no such things as curses, or ghosts,” the last one said, another girl with hair the color of honey and small, fair features.
“Sure there are, Venus. Just like there are such things as wizards and witches,” Kaden said.
“Oh really? Have you ever seen one?” She asked back.“A wizard? Sure I have! I am one, aren’t I?” Kaden replied sarcastically.
“Oh, aren’t you hysterical,” Venus said, rolling her eyes.
“Not now you two. There’s important business to be discussed tonight. We don’t want to overstay our welcome,” the boy broke in.
“Stop being so superstitious, Rafe, it’s just an old town,” Eglantine stated. She had elegant light brown hair gentle eyes.
“Quiet, all of you, and follow me,” their mentor, Ronan, said.
“Now, Brayan has a new assignment for you all,” Ronan started. “It something you’ve never really tried before. There’s a young witch in your home state, Florida, who is around your age. She doesn’t know she’s…gifted yet. It’s your job to assimilate yourselves into her life, tell her about her future, and train her in our ways. She’s going to play an important part in all of our lives.”
“…Why are they leaving it up to us? If it’s so important, why aren’t you or more senior magical beings taking on this job?” Rafe asked, looking nervous.
“Personally, I have no possible inkling of why he would choose you. But I’m under Brayan’s orders.” He replied.
“Fantastic…” Venus said sarcastically.
“So, who is she? What does she look like? Will we know her when we see her?” Kaden asked.
“Here she is,” He replied. With a sweeping motion, a screen-like shield appeared in midair. When you looked at it, the edges seemed to shimmer faintly. The teenagers didn’t seem at all surprised. The screen showed a full view of what appeared to be a kitchen. Within it, a young girl, no older than sixteen, was sitting at an island in a house, and opening a soda, while reading a book propped up on a basket laden with fruit.
Kaden laughed; he’d always liked people with the ability to multitask. “Hm. She looks smart,” he stated without thinking.
Ronan looked at him quickly, with a sharp look in his eyes. “Why would you say that?”
Kaden blinked, and replied, “I don’t really know. It’s just a feeling…”
Ronan chuckled. “You’ve always had a gift for knowing.” Ronan zoomed in on her face.
“So is she? Is she going to discover something great about us?” asked Eglantine.
“I’m not quite sure, myself. We just need to wait and see,” said Ronan.
The four teens stared at the screen for several minutes longer. They all seemed to be lost in their own thoughts. She had the violet eyes that Nature Witches were always born with, tinted with gold. Her strawberry blond hair was loose and fell like curtains over her shoulder when she looked down at the counter, apparently contemplating something she had read. Kaden couldn’t tear himself away.
Suddenly, she gave a start as if something jumped out and scared her, and stared directly into Kaden’s eyes. Ronan cursed softly and closed the screen almost instantly. “I was afraid that was going to happen. She’s too talented for her own good, actually. Even without training…” Ronan trailed off, shaking his head. Kaden blinked, and looked around. Everyone seemed to be staring at their shoes.
“Well! She’s cute; I approve!” Kaden stated, rubbing his hands together.
“Hey, not so fast there, Kaden. You know the rules. This is work, not free time,” Ronan stated warningly. Kaden sobered at once. He looked regretful, angry, and miserable all at the same time. He looked down. “Yeah…I know.”
______________________
I looked at the cabinet quizzically. I could have sworn there was someone there, staring at me. I rubbed my neck uncomfortably. Slowly, I turned back to my book. After reading the same line three times, I shut it angrily. I couldn’t focus now.
I looked at where I felt the gaze again. I walked over slowly and touched the cabinet with shaking hands. Instantly, I pulled away. It felt like a…non-electrical shock. Like it was some kind of prickly fuzz. I eyed the cabinet suspiciously for several minutes, until I jumped at the sound of the doorbell ringing. I sighed, feeling stupid and superstitious, and went to get the door.
~*~*~*~*~*
It's a bit short, but prologues shouldn't really be that long, right?? 
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yeah- I knew I heard that name before, but I couldn't figure out where. I think I might change it later.
Thanks for the comments!!
This is a good story, but I agree with the other people on their suggestions, but it's a good story. One thing I wanted to point out though is Ronan sounds like Eragon's cousin, it's ain't a problem or anything, I just wanted to point that out. Continue with the great work
And just to add my two cents:
Small letter here.
It looked good and well written, but I didn't read the first attempts, so I can't if you've improved or not.
Thanks so much for the input! I'm glad you all like this one better. I wasn't sure about the spacing, but now that it's been pointed out, I'll be sure to fix it soon.
And I forgot to change the "dark curtain" part, because I actually did change her hair color. I'm not quite sure how I feel about her being a blond, but I agree that she looked way too much like Alanna. So I'll be sure to fix that, too.
Yeah, I totally agree when you say "Enough with the stinking prologue!" I'm getting tired of it myself. I'll start on the actual chapters for now, so that's going to be fun.
Thanks for all of the CC again!
^ i was going to say what Griffin said, but obviously he beat me to it.
This is SO much better than your original. Somehow, without saying too much, you developed the characters very well. In my opinion. Kaden's the goofball, Ronan's the mentor, Venus is the short, snappy, opinionated girl, and the other one (forgot her name) is sweet and compassionate. At least that's the idea I got. Anyway, keep it up and i'm so excited for more!
Whenever you post a new speaker, it's good to give them some extra space.
Instead of:
Make it like this:
This way the two sentences don't run together. It seperates the two speakers, making it easier to understand.
So, it is much better than the last three. I like how it's written from Kaden's POV rather than the narrators. It caught my attention, or "Got me hooked" right from the beginning, which is in contrast to the other two, which (honestly) seemed like author's notes. There's one tiny party that bothered me for no apparent reason:
Strawberry blond hair isn't dark! It's blond (with a red tint). So, just saying it.
Much, much better! Can't wait for the rest!
This is good. I dont' know if I had read the prologue, so this was new to me. It's like a puzzle and soon the pieces will come together and start forming a plot. You need to start a new paragraph when you start dialogue. I have the pieces that it applies to below. It's diminishes the flow to have them all blocked together.
You incorporated two POV's very nicely; I'm very interested to see how this all comes together and I'm excited to read more of the story.
The things I'm worried about have to do specifically with grammar and formatting, but they're nothing that can't be easily fixed. My best advice would be to go over it yourself, and try to find the mistakes without someone telling you what they are -- not only will you learn faster, but your writing will be more professional right off the bat.
I enjoyed the bit where she turned around and looked at him. A lot, actually. :) I'm a big fan of oober-powerful-untrained anythings.
Perhaps this is pushy of me, but I'd much rather read another chapter than reread another prologue. It still needs work, but you can worry about that later -- let's get on with the show! :D
It's not suppose to have clarification yet. It's more of a part of Kaden's deeper character (Gosh, what a cliche...) which is going to be revealed later.
But I really appreciate your critique! It made me notice some things, and that
is always good! Thank you very much!
Prologue
The fog settled slowly over the decrepit town. All was deserted and decayed. The little city had the feel of a long-forgotten, sad place. Kaden shivered, just like he always did, and walked into the town, his cloak swishing around his ankles.
He gave in to a tiny grin.that's somewhat out of place, considering that he shivered when walking into the town. If you want to add this part I would say to add more about the fun-ness (that is SO a word) of his cloak ect He could never shake the pleasure of wearing something so…fun. He shook his dark hair out of his eyes and moved on.
“Wipe that grin off your face, you’re making me sick,” A voice deep within the shadows bellowed. Kaden didn’t flinch.
“So it’s a crime to smile now?” He retorted, staring at the spot where the voice came from. Out of the depths of a crumbling building walked a gruff looking, dirty, middle-aged man.
“It is when you’re in this town…” The man said, pulling his weather-worn cloak closer to his body.
Kaden gave a joyless chuckle chuckle is a very positive word despite the word 'joyless' in front of it, I would use joyless laugh or humourless laugh instead, and the two moved on toward to very far edge of the town. Clouds of fog wafted by in the breeze
“Why are you always late?” A girl’s voice, crisp and sharp, came to them from a short ways away.
“... said one of the adolescences, should be adolescents a boy with darker skin and hair the same shade as a raven’s.
“Oh please, there are no such things as curses, or ghosts,” the last one, you forgot the wrid 'said' another girl with hair the color of honey and small, fair features.
...
... Inside of the screen, and should be 'a' young girl, no older than sixteen, was sitting at an island in a house how do they know that she's on an island? Can they see the whole place? And if so, how can they see the details of what she looks like??, and opening a soda, while reading a book propped up on a basket laden with fruit.
...“So she is! Is she going to discover something great about us?” asked Eglantine. “I’m not quite sure, myself. We just need to wait and see,” said Ronan. I don't get that line at all
.... Her auburn hair I think that she should have differnet coloured hair because with the purple eyes and red hair she sounds like Alanna from one of Tamora pierce's books loose and fell like dark curtains over her shoulder when she looked down at the counter, apparently contemplating something she had read. Kaden couldn’t tear himself away.
Suddenly, she gave a start as if something jumped out and scared her, and stared directly into Kaden’s eyes. Ronan cursed softly and closed the screen almost instantly. “I was afraid that was going to happen. She’s too smart for her own good, actually. Even without training…” I wouldn't say 'smart' there because that implies that she knowingly used her skill to look at them. A better word might be 'gifted' or 'talented' ect. Ronan trailed off, shaking his head. Kaden blinked, and looked around. Everyone seemed to be staring at their shoes.
“Well! That was too much silence for me.That's a really random, awkward and unecessary sentence. She’s cute; I approve!” Kaden stated, rubbing his hands together. “Hey, not so fast there, Kaden. You know the rules. This is work, not free time,” Ronan stated warningly. Kaden sobered at once. He looked regretful, angry, and miserable all at the same time. He looked down. “Yeah…I know.” some clarification would be good here
I looked at the cabinet quizzically. I could have sworn there was someone there, staring at me. I rubbed my neck uncomfortably. Slowly, I turned back to my book. After reading the same line three times, I shut it angrily. I couldn’t focus now.
I looked at where I felt the gaze again. At a snail’s pace, I walked over and gently touched the cabinet. I would say 'I walked slowly' instead of 'at a snails pace'. that metaphor doesnt work well here. Instantly, I pulled away. It felt like a…non-electrical shock. Like it was some kind of prickly fuzz. I eyed the cabinet suspiciously for several minutes, until I jumped at the sound of the doorbell ringing. I sighed, feeling stupid and superstitious, and went to get the door. [b]you should show some distinction between the beginning and the part in the protaganists perspective, even just a line across the page. (ex. ----------- or ~~~~~~)