I know I'm not a good poet, but this one is sort of empowers me a little.
This is about me
And only me.
Don’t knock on my skull,
And enter as you please.
Don’t gnaw at my conscience,
Subliminally.
Don’t steal all my sunshine,
Or hide my sole pride.
Don’t give me your pity,
Neither your advice.
I know I’m a failure,
But it’s my time to shine!
So suggestions simultaneous,
Hope you’ve got them all,
Try to remember though –that-
This is about me
And only me.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I actually do find power in here. I like the confidence. Very well done.
I do agree about the flow. It seems a bit uneven. I don't really mind the stanza's too much. They seem fine to me. I don't think they all need the same amount of lines. A poem is a poem. It's whatever you want it to be, it's your expression.
Overall, I really love your writing technique. It's raw and powerful-- or at least it is here. I recommend that you keep working with poetry. Just write something here and there, and soon enough, you will completely blossom. Don't even think about the amount of time you spend, whether it's two days or two minutes. All that matter's is the effort, the feeling, the imagery. Keep writing (:
Hi there, Ziggie!
Corrections are in red.
Comments are in bold.
Overall
I think one of your main problems here is your flow. It was very choppy and not as smooth as it should have been. I think the roadblock stopping the flow from, well, flowing in your poem is your word choice. Sometimes the words would just interrupt any flow you had accumulated so far. I tried to point out where it was really obvious, so I hope that helps a little bit.
Besides the flow, I think having the first and last stanzas be shorter was a bit disrupting to the appearance; don't get me wrong, technically, this is okay. Just as a personal preference, I suppose I like the stanzas to be of similar length. I don't know, I just do!
Still, this was still pretty good. See you around!
~Mizz
Hey, thank you for the comments guys. I appreciate it
PM me for any requests.
Hey there Ziggie, Pink here!
I know what you mean by new to poetry, I'm in the same situation.
Now, be warned, I don't know much about poetry and I'm new to this genre, but, I do wish to get better so I'm trying to review and read more poetry.
Alrighty then, for someone who doesn't do much poetry and based on the poems I've read, you're still pretty darn good.
My favorite stanza was:
I liked the rhyme and I liked the words, they totally fit!
I think you were trying to get this to fit but I found it difficult to read, like it made the poem kinda choppy and messed with the flow.
-But other than that, I don't really see much else. Great poem and keep writing!
~Pink
I love your writing but this relates to me more than any of your other works I've read! My favorite stanza is
This does relate to the reader, and I'm glad poems can do this. Because even though YOU and know you feel so do I. And vice versa with other reader. Great job!