Deep, deep in the heavens,
A lot of commotion
As white blue sadness gathers;
Swishing and swirling
In preparation for fall.
Then a signal
By a raucous flash; and presto!
The white blue
Acts like an endless hose,
Spraying everywhere,
The sorrowful tears
Falling from the sky,
Hitting very vigorously
The already withering corrugated roofs of a settlement.
In one,
A young Kagiso is suspended, kicking!
On one of the rusty roofs.
Swinging from side to side,
With the rope he uses to close his door.
He dies.
In another,
Thebe, lies on his deathbed
His children on the verge of orphan hood.
He wishes to see them finish school and become.
Grow.
He dies.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
This flows nicely and I really like;
"Then a signal
By a raucous flash; and presto!
The white blue
Acts like an endless hose,
Spraying everywhere,
The sorrowful tears
Falling from the sky."
I think some of the descriptions are over done, for example "white blue sadness"; I'd try for something more concrete.
I felt there was more to the second stanza that I wasn't being made privy to so I'd consider expanding it.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Well, I'm sorry, but if you meant it or not, the first thing I thought after I read this poem was not, "Aw, that's sad, it's so touching." No. My first thought was, "Um, this is kind of weird." This is not to say I didn't like it; I liked it a lot! It's very good!
But I don't get it.
You do, though, so I won't dare say anything else except that it's a 5-star poem.
The Blue Rasper