The next week was eventful. Desantheo took me to balls, clubs, operas, shows, to the park, and even his home. I must admit, going to his home was my favorite. He lived in a big, bright mansion that was bigger than my parents. The main colors seemed to be a cream color and red. You could even see the London Eye from his mansion. It was so beautiful at night. He even took me to go ride the London Eye, though I had many times. It was so romantic, to be there with him. When we’d reached the top, he kissed me. We had such chemistry together, it was like lightening. But I still hadn’t made up my mind on whether or not I’d become immortal with him. I loved him with all my heart, truly I did, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for eternity with him. He was the most wonderful man I’d ever met. He was smart, handsome, funny, strong and fast. I couldn’t be harmed so long as we were together.
One night, we were almost mugged. But thankfully, Desantheos being immortal gave him super strength and speed. We were taking a midnight stroll when a dog came running up to me and started licking my hand. It seemed to be very aware but friendly towards Desantheo. He’d seemed to be very good with animals. All the animals in the park had come up to him, in fact. We had been so focused on the animals that we’d never heard the mugger until he had placed a knife upon Desantheo’s neck. He just smiled and pulled the mugger from behind him onto the ground. But he stood up and hurled himself at Desantheo. He knocked the knife from the mugger’s hand and grabbed him by the neck. He cradled the muggers face in his hands for a moment before twisting the head, instantly killing him. He explained to me later that the mugger was a Warlock, like himself, but not immortal. It had only taken me a moment before I got over it. I realized that he had only been doing what Marie had told him to do, protect me. I’d thanked him that night with a long kiss.
After being together a month, things began to get pretty warm. We weren’t having sex or any of that nonsense. Sure, we made out plenty in bizarre places, but that was it in that department. I knew that we would have sex in the future, but not so soon in our relationship. But I do admit that the making out usually got pretty darn hot. A shirt or two was usually thrown to the side or a hand up a skirt. But it never really got any heavier for awhile.
“So, how was your day my love?” Desantheo asked me. That day he’d picked me up from work.
“The usual, except for one thing, the trio of bitches came in today.” That had totally caught him off guard. He looked at me in surprise before he said anything.
“They were, for what reason?” He said anger clear in his voice.
“Oh, I don’t, to buy a car? They didn’t even recognize me. They barely paid any attention to me at all.”
“Are you sure?” He asked me, obviously worried.
“Yes, I’m sure my love. They had the chance to kill me, and they didn’t. They didn’t even look at me more than they had to.” I said, resting a hand on his back, which was cold and tense. “I said not to worry, I’m fine. They don’t know about me.”
“So, they didn’t say anything to you at all? Not even, I know who you are?” He said, looking into my eyes.
“No, nothing. Now stop worrying about it and kiss me.” He did kiss me, but I had a feeling that said he wasn’t done worrying. I could feel it in his kiss. Something felt different. Figuring that I couldn’t have a rational mind and kiss him, I just let it go and kissed him.
That day, I decided that it was time for him to meet my parents. I wasn’t sure if they would like him or not, but he assured me that they would. All I could do was hope for the best. So I took him up to the main house to face the devil, my father. Have I mentioned that my father only loves my mother and me? That’s it, literally. Everyone else he pretty much ignores or hates. He says that’s how you get by in the business. You either hate or ignore them.
I remember the look on his face when he walked into my parent’s house. It was a look of total awe. It’s not that great, I thought to myself. His house had been much bigger than mine; I didn’t know how mine was so much better. It was actually kind of irritating. Why does he look like this? I thought to myself.
“What?” I asked him, becoming agitated.
“Your house, the magick that seeps from the walls is amazing.” He said, very much to my relief.
“Oh, good,” I muttered to myself. He hadn’t seemed to of noticed my muttering. I led him up the stairs and to my parent’s study-slash-office. I heard them conversing inside and gently knocked on the door. I heard my father’s deep voice say, “Come in,”
“Father? I have someone for you to meet.” I said before opening the door all the way, revealing Desantheo standing beside me. Father barely gave him a glance before he stood up slowly to look him in the eye.
“So, is this your new boyfriend?” Father said, something rising in his voice.
“Yes, father, this is Desantheo. Desantheo meet my father.”
“I believe that we’ve already met.” Father said before throwing a dagger at Desantheo’s heart. Luckily for him, being immortal had made anything threatening coming his way stop and fall in its tracks.
But before we could move, father threw a throwing dagger straight for Desantheo’s heart. But he deflected it easily, using magick, of course. I’d told him that father wasn’t too fond of people, but he’d never thrown a dagger at them!
“Father! What in the hell are you doing?” I screamed, causing Desantheo to cover his ears. But he couldn’t before another dagger was thrown. “Stop it! Right now!”
“Victoria, get out of the way!” Father said as I stepped in front of Desantheo.
“No! Why are you trying to kill my boyfriend?”
“Your what? Not so long as I shall live! You can’t even befriend that creature!” Father said as Desantheo stepped around me.
“What do you mean creature?” Desantheo said, obviously challenging him. Then I realized something. There was a picture of my father and me on his desk. I had once noticed someone in the background. That person was Desantheo! That was then it had finally absorbed that he had been immortal for a long time. He could’ve done many things in that space of time. I thought. Who knows what he’s done. But then I remembered Marie. She’d entrusted him with me. She’d obviously trusted him enough to do that.
“You’re a vampire, obviously. You’re the same age in this picture as you are now. You have to be a vampire.” My father said through his teeth.
“I’m not a vampire, I’m a Warlock! I’ve been cursed with immortality, but that doesn’t make me a vampire. But I happen to know a few vampires that were recently killed….. Oh my God, you killed them!”
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Hey there! This was really good. You did a good job guiding the reader from one place to another with adequate description. Your characters are full of attitude. The way you write is easy to read, and the story is interesting!
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I noticed a few things that seemed a bit out of place, along with some minor grammatical errors. There were also a few sentences that were a bit wordy, and could be made more efficient.
The main colors seemed to be a cream color and red.
-Take out the word "seemed". It's good in that it gives the reader room to imagine how he/she wants it to look, but it draws the readers attention from the story.-
He even took me to go ride the London Eye, though I had many times.
-That last bit is kind of awkward. I suggest you rephrase it. Maybe something like this, "I had ridden it before, but not like this, not the way I did with Desantheo."
We had such chemistry together, it was like lightening. But I still hadn’t made up my mind on whether or not I’d become immortal with him.
-*Lightning*. On the second sentence, I suggest you take out the "but", it's a bit unwieldy. The rest of the sentence is also kind of awkward. Maybe try something like, "I still hadn't made up my mind, would I spend eternity with him or not?"-
It seemed to be very aware but friendly towards Desantheo. He’d seemed to be very good with animals.
-Seemed is unnecessary in both of these sentences. It takes away from the flow of the narration.-
We had been so focused on the animals that *we'd* never heard the mugger until he *had* placed a knife upon Desantheo’s neck.
-Change "we'd" to just "we". I do this all the time myself, I feel that it disrupts the sentence. Also, maybe take out the second "had".
But he stood up and hurled himself at Desantheo.
-Take out the "But". In action scenes, you want your sentences to be as concise as possible, take out any extra words, and keep the description vivid, but to the point.
It had only taken me a moment before I got over it.
-This one is just my opinion. Maybe, "It didn't take me long to get over it."
But it never really got any heavier for awhile.
-But again.
“They were, for what reason?”
-The phrasing of this dialogue takes away from his shock. He would want to know why as soon as possible, so he might just say "They were? Why?".
He did kiss me, but I had a feeling that said he wasn’t done worrying.
-I don't like "said" in this sentence.
Figuring that I couldn’t have a rational mind and kiss him, I just let it go and kissed him.
-I don't quite get the first part of this sentence.-
That day, I decided that it was time for him to meet my parents.
-In this paragraph, you should include some of the factors that made her decide it was time for him to meet her parents.-
“What?” I asked him, becoming agitated.
-She was already agitated, maybe change it to "animatedly" or something like that, or just take it out.-
He hadn’t seemed to of noticed my muttering.
-Maybe take out seemed, and "of" should be "have".-
I led him up the stairs and to my parent’s study-slash-office.
-"study/office".-
Father said, something rising in his voice.
-What was it that rose in his voice? This takes the readers attention away from the story. Maybe just "His voice rising." It gets the same point across and isn't quite so distracting.
Father said before throwing a dagger at Desantheo’s heart.
-This is just opinion again, Maybe change "before" to "as".
But before we could move, father threw a throwing dagger straight for Desantheo’s heart. But he deflected it easily, using magick, of course.
-It's not necessary to say that it's a throwing dagger, the reader can tell that it's good for throwing without it being specified. Take out "but" please!
“Father! What *in* the hell are you doing?"
-"the hell are you doing?"-
Then I realized something.
-Just tell the reader what she realized, or fuse this with the sentence that follows.-
That was then it had finally absorbed that he had been immortal for a long time.
-This sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe try something like, "That was when it finally sunk in, Desantheo had been immortal for a long time."
But I happen to know a few vampires that were recently killed…..
-Take out but please.-
This was really good, otherwise I wouldn't have reviewed it during the day! Other than some of the awkward phrasing, I wouldn't change a thin. The characters are all great, and the action is nicely done.
Let me share a quote from Mark Twain with you, "Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." In your case, "but" and "seemed" are like very. Your writing is great, but the "buts" and "seemeds" take the readers out of the story.
Great job! Keep up the good work, and PM me if you need anything!