Hey =] Thanks again to those who have stuck with this story. This part really needs work so I'd appreciate your thought and opinions. Hope you like it! xDudettex 
How dare she call me a kid! I’m seventeen after all, so I’m practically an adult. I suppose Declan’s not really a kid either, being fifteen, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if it turned out that he had the mental age of a three year old squirrel.
I slumped onto the sofa, a seat away from my Mum as I tried to ignore the voice. It was still whispering seductively at me; just one look, and I could feel the back of my head start to throb with an incoming headache. I wasn’t going to let it win though. There was no way that I was ever going to lay eyes on those earrings ever again.
I shifted in my seat as I turned my attention to the TV screen. An orange woman smiled back at me, her teeth impossibly white. I ground my own teeth together. How could my Mum watch this without going brain dead? I can almost feel my brain cells committing suicide at being exposed to this mindless drivel.
I looked over at Declan. He was, as would be expected from my greedy brother, digging through the refrigerator. His shirt was hanging out of the bottom of his navy school jumper and his black hair stuck out at all angles. Seriously? Has that kid never heard of a hairbrush? I was about to throw a snide comment at Declan, when a familiar voice sent a sharp shiver down my spine. My eyes were automatically pulled back to the TV where my suspicions were confirmed. The smile that had once brought butterflies to my stomach now made my throat constrict. I took a jagged breath to try to calm myself, but I could already feel my heart pounding against my ribs. Mum turned to look at me, her dark eyebrows raised. Then everything started to spin.
“Yes, Jane. That’s right, the film comes out October third.”
That voice. Make it stop!
“It’s nice to see you Chace, and good luck with the film.”
Leave me alone!
“Thanks Jane. It was nice meeting you.”
That voice. Make it go away. Make it go away!
“So there we have it folks. Chace Milligan. Isn’t he just lovely?”
Chace. The mere name winded me.
My mind buzzed to and fro. One minute I could see the peeling wallpaper above the front door and the next, nothing. I was surrounded by darkness. I could hear a scream. It tore at my ear drums. Who was screaming?
The blood rushing in my ears sounded like waves crashing against the shore. I could see the wallpaper again and I could hear panting. Or was that breathing? And the screaming…
“Don’t worry Mum. I always told you she was a head case.”
“Shut up, Declan! Sadie, listen to me!”
It was my breathing. The panting was me. And the screaming?
“Sadie.”
I felt a hand on my arm and the touch burned like an electric shock. And then as quickly as my panic had started, it was over. I blinked repeatedly, trying to get my eyes to focus on the face in front of me. My throat felt sore.
“Sadie?”
I wrenched my arm free, embarrassed by my actions. Mum’s face softened. Her blue eyes were wide and her lips were parted.
“Sadie? What happened? You were screaming. Sadie?” She was knelt down in front of me, her usually pretty face warped by fear.
I could feel my breathing returning to normal, but my throat still burned. I’d been screaming? I felt suddenly flustered and confused.
“I told you Mum. She’s just a nut job,” Declan said from beside my Mum. I looked up at him and I could feel my cheeks getting hot. He had a satisfied smirk on his lips.
“Nothing happened,” I said, inching away from my Mum. “I’m totally fine.”
“But you went ever so pale,” she said, a frown creasing her forehead.
“I said I’m fine,” I reassured her, scooting aside so that I could get off of the sofa. The sudden movement of standing up made my stomach flip. I tried to shake the feeling as I made my way over to my work bag. I turned it upside down when I reached it, seizing my mobile as it fell out of my bag and onto the carpet. I then grabbed my hoody from the coat hook beside the front door.
“Where are you going?” Mum asked, but I ignored her, pulling the hoody over my head. “Sadie?” She’d followed me over to the door and was now standing with her hands on either side of her petite waist.
“She’s off to the mental asylum,” Declan snickered from where he was standing beside my Mum.
With my jumper on and my mobile in my pocket, I made for the door. I have to get out of here. I slipped on my trainers as Declan mumbled more insults under his breath. What was going on? One minute I’d been fine and then…The voice. His voice. I felt my knees buckle and I leaned against the wall to steady myself.
“Sadie! Don’t you dare go out.” Mum’s voice was stern.
I pulled the flaking red door open, before disappearing out of it, ignoring my mum’s words of protest. Shutting the door behind me, I picked up my skateboard from its spot beside the drainpipe. I didn’t intend on going far. Just far enough away to make a phone call in peace. I slammed my skateboard onto the concrete path before quickly jumping onto it and thrusting myself off down the road. The cool night air whipped my hair against my face, but I wasn’t bothered. Something about gliding down the road on my board made me feel free. My pulse felt steady again and I blinked repeatedly in an attempt to bury the voice in the back of my mind.
I dodged two dustbins and a cat, before deciding that I was far enough away from the house. I stopped under a streetlamp. Standing in its orange glow, I felt safer. The Westside was renowned for trouble and I didn’t want to get caught up in it. I scrolled down my contact list on my mobile, until I got to ‘G,’ for Gabby. I took a deep breath. Who would have thought that it would have come to this? I pressed the green ‘call’ button as I swept my red hair back out of my eyes. I wasn’t looking forward to this. Gabby was a pain to deal with when she was right, and annoyingly, that always seemed to be the case. It only took three rings until I heard her voice.
“Hey Sadie. Finally come to your senses?” She was mocking me.
I held in a shaky laugh. “That’s what you want, isn’t it.”
“You know it makes sense.”
She was right. Unfortunately.
“Fine,” I sighed. “Maybe it’s time we did this your way.”
Thanks for reading!
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139,258 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
I have arrived for the last review! Hooray! So let's get started!
I feel like this bit is kind of unnecessary. I like the part in italics because it gives us a bit more information on Sadie's character, though. It's the part about the woman's teeth. I think you should just take that out and say "I shifted in my seat as I turned my attention to the TV screen. How could my Mum watch this without going brain dead?" That being said, the italics aren't necessary. I could understand if this story were in third person rather than first person, but because Sadie's telling the story, we don't need italics to show thoughts.
I got kind of confused about this part because I thought you were talking about the orange woman's smile. If you keep the part about her, you may want to change this sentence up so it doesn't sound like she once knew the orange woman.
So this dialogue caused some confusion for me. I'm presuming that it's coming from the TV, but some might think that it's coming from her head, like a memory. Even so, it might be nice if you had previously explained that it was an interview for a movie or something. If that makes sense.
"Ever so pale" sounds too old-fashioned, especially because Sadie's mother sounds like a very modern woman to me. Perhaps you ought to say "But you got so pale!" or something.
The second period right there should be replaced with a question mark.
_________
So for the third part of this chapter, I don't have a whole lot to say constructive criticism-wise, but I wanted to say that I really like this part. It's very full of suspense. Who's this Chace Milligan? Why does the sound of his voice make her scream? And who is this Gabby girl? I think you really do a good job of leaving us all wondering about what's going to happen next. I like the levels of mystery you have here.
I don't want you to change the prologue or anything, but you may want to consider giving us less information about her having a celebrity stalker. It would let us wonder more who gave her the earrings and who Chace Milligan is if we knew a little less. That was just brought to my attention, so I thought I'd say.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you a whole lot of advice on this part of the story, but good luck with it all. It's really coming along greatly, Dudette!
-Holly
oooh, I can't wait to find out what happens next. I understand that she is upset by being stallked by a celebrity, but what did he do to make her so upset the way he did when she heard his voice on tv. Can't wait to find out. again i think any mistkes i saw have been noticed already, so I leave it at that.
I like where this story is going! The sudden panic I thought you described really well and I'm very interested as to who Gabby is
'a coming headache' didn't sound right to me, maybe 'an incoming headache' or changing it a bit to something like 'in warning of a headache' or 'in the warm up to a headache', I think you could play around with it a bit until you find something that sounds right
There's a lot of facing the TV and turning away from it again, I think you could get rid of a couple to just say what she did instead of mentioning the TV first- for instance when you are focusing on Declan, instead of saying that you turned your attention away from the TV just say that you looked over at Declan. The first time you concentrate on the TV you don't mention anything on it so its not really relevant, perhaps instead you could mention just slumping onto the sofa trying to ignore the voice so you are not talking about your attention being on the TV so much? Alternatively you could not always call it 'the TV' so that the references to it aren't so noticeable- maybe calling it a television or screen or something like that
I think you could phrase this a bit better, perhaps something about 'darkness surounded me' or becoming completely blind, something more dramatic might add more to the panic of the situation
I like the simile! I think you could alter it just a little to run smoother though, maybe referring instead of just one wave to 'waves' as generally there are a lot of waves breaking all at once. I also think 'breaking' doesn't sound as loud as other words you could use to better demonstrate the sound- like 'crashing' or 'pounding'. For instance- 'The blood rushing in my ears sounded like waves crashing against the shore.' might sound better here
Like I said before, I think you managed to show the panic she goes into really well, the only alterations here I would make would be to join the first two sentences with a dash and maybe have the last sentence ended with either an ellipses or with something on the end like 'And all the while the screaming just wouldn't stop.'
Instead of 'it' before 'burned' maybe 'the touch' or 'the contact' or something similar would sound better. At first here I didn't know if you were referring to the burning stopping or the whole panic, I think you could make it a bit clearer by perhaps saying something instead of 'it had started', maybe 'the panic' or 'the moment' or something similar.
I wouldn't say she was suddenly flustered as she has been for quite a while really, maybe instead you could just say 'I felt flustered' or if you wanted to extend upon it adding something like 'and confused' or 'and scared' on the end.
This sounds like more of a delicate movement whereas I would think it would be a very swift thing as she is trying to get away quickly. Something like this 'I slammed my skateboard onto the ground, quickly jumping on to it and pushing myself off down the road.' might be better in showing the rush she is in.
Oveall: A lot more is developing now and I'm impatient to read more!
Again, I'd maybe suggest showing what the voice is saying instead of just talking about it. I'd also maybe focus more on how her mother and brother's voice sound when he is teasing her and her mum is concerned. I would think she would be very worried about her daughter so how she is standing and her expression when is trying to keep her daughter inside would be good too
Once she is outside she seems a lot calmer, and you have explained this in how she feels more free when skateboarding but maybe more of a mention on how she is recovering would work well- just a sentence or two on how her pulse slows down or she shoves the sound of his voice to the back of her mind, something like that as usually if you are all shaken up it takes quite a while to return to normal
My reviews are getting shorter and shorter- there is so little to pick out!! I love where you are going with this, returning it back to the stalker was needed at this point and you pulled off her reaction brilliantly. Can't wait to read more!!!!
Hey Dudette,
As promised, here's my full review of this piece:
Very nice! I like the anger. Have you ever wondered whether you have a mental age of a three year old squirrel?
Did you consciously exhale loudly and glare for effect or attention, or was it natural? If it was natural, then you shouldn't tell us about it. Only tell us what you would notice if you were actually the character. If I were to consciously count all of the times I sighed, glared, exhaled, or showed any sort of stress, I would be a sad case. Rather tell us something along the lines of, "I slumped onto the sofa a seat away from my Mum. I reluctantly turned my head toward the TV screen."
I'd rephrase the last bit, "and I could feel the back of my head start to throb with an oncoming headache." This is just a matter of preference though.
One thing that you do need to explain is your reluctance to give this dude a chance. What makes him so annoying that you go into a fit every time you think about him. You don't need to tell us yet, but at some point you'll have to reveal this, and you'll have to make it credible.
Try, "As I allowed my attention to return to the TV screen.
It might be that I'm merely not familiar with the jargon, but what's an orange woman?
Your thought persona continues to enthrall me.
This reads a little clumsily for me. Rephrase perhaps as, "I turned my attention away from the TV and focused it on Declan. He was, as would be expected, digging through the refrigerator.
At this I laugh.
This kind of spoils it. Did you really want to know if you were related, or did you simply want to make a snide comment. If the latter is the case than tell us this rather than what the snide comment was. It makes your writing seem more mature, a prospect that should be the case even if the character you are portraying is not. And if you decide not to change this, it should be "Declan and I".
Your eyes were automatically pulled back to the TV, they didn't merely switch.
Try, "The smile that had once brought butterflies to my stomach, now made my throat constrict.
Very nice!
A beautiful section here. Although in the last line, you might want to try, "The mere name winded me."
I think you can do away with the "back and forth", but if not, try "to and fro" instead.
Superbly done. I love its effectiveness.
Pretty solid description.
I'd change the "though" to a "but".
I'd change the "blurted" to a "said", but I guess you know that. I don't think that blurted is the word you're looking for here anyway, though.
I'd nix the "up".
Not only did it feel like a rush of blood to your head, but that is likely what it was. This sounds pretty clumsy, and I'd change it to something along the lines of, "The sudden movement of standing up made my stomach flip. I tried to shake the feeling as I made my way over to my work bag."
You never mentioned that you started pulling the hoody over your head. I'd suggest, "but I ignored her, pulling the hoody over my head."
Remarkably, I think "snickered" has a great effect here.
Clumsy, try, "Just far enough away to make a phone call in peace."
I'd nix the first part of the sentence. Leave it as, "You know it makes sense."
Great!
Let's summarize now:
Have a good one!
Hey! Thanks for the PM! can you give me another when the next part is up?
I don't get why you stress over this one either - it was fine.
The one thing that I don't get is why the significance of 'g' in her contact list was in there. For one thing, it juct confused me - the celebrities name was Chace Milligan, wasn't it? Putting that aside, it could have been his secretary, the women who answered the phone. I don't see why she would be calling a friend though, because is seemed that the phone call was done in reluctance.
You might want to go back and edit that.
Hey Dudette!
I. NITPICKS
gazed or glanced?
Now we know she's seventeen and it's not the weekend. So she's left school?
She faints?
my mum's or Mum's...
Okay...
II. OH! THE HEAT!
Seriously, disregarding Twilight, pantomimes and Victorian Gothic novels, how many people actually just randomly black out? I don't know, maybe I'm living in a small pocket of the world that isn't affected by it. But perhaps make her be a bit disoriented or whatever, but the whole "everything went black," thing, well, did it really? Because the line isn't as effective as you might think. It's just kind of "Oh, get some backbone you stupid girl." Not that I think she's stupid, but honestly, blacking out? And screaming?
(Unless I've read it completely wrong and she doesn't)...
III. OVERALL
I don't know why you're stressing over this part, personally, I thought it was better than the other two. You make things happen. Still waiting on some more character development, but overall, not bad.
Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!
-Stella.
Hey, thanks for PMing me. I'm really enjoying this story. Okay, so I don't really see much wrong and I'm not good at punctuation and all that. I found one thing I suggest fixing...
Okay, I think that when you read this out loud, the repetition of "said" sounds kind of weird. Maybe instead of saying "I said," you could replace it with something like, I reassured her or something like that.
Overall, this is really interesting. PM me when you add more!
This is really, really good. I'm still enjoying it, and there is nothing wrong with this bit whatsoever!
Next bit, please.