Hey =] So thank you so much to all of you who read and reviewed my prologue! This is all I have so far and I'd really like to know if you think it's as good as the prologue. I'd really appreciate your opinions and suggestions as I want to make this the best I can! Thank you =] xDudettex
I held my breath as the number forty two bus pulled up alongside me. The fumes felt like an acid on the back of my throat as I took an accidental breath, and I winced as another gust of wind whipped my hair against my face. As I lived on the outer suburbs, the bus was the only way to work whether I liked it or not. The door swung open with a creak and I made sure to take a breath before I spoke to the driver. I smiled politely before taking a step onto the bus.
“Single to Brooke Hill, please,” I said, my voice raspy from the cold.
“That’ll be £2.30 then, love,” the driver replied, his tone matching mine, though I’m sure his was naturally gruff. The fact that his head was bald, was made up for by the bushy moustache above his top lip.
I searched around in my purse, my hands numb from the bitter wind. Finally, I pulled out some change before handing him the correct amount. My heart sped up as I started up the aisle to find a seat. An old lady lowered her gaze, tightening her hold on her bag as I passed her and continued forward. It’s pathetic how the media has made all teenagers out to be hooligans and muggers.
Passing a mother who was battling to keep hold of her squirming toddler, I tucked my purse back into my bag and made for my usual seat at the back of the bus. Sitting at the back meant that I could keep to myself and make the bus journey in peace. The front was always filled with crying kids and shouting grannies. Why they didn’t just turn their hearing aids up to hear over the engine instead of talking annoyingly loudly to each other, I didn’t know.
A never ending swarm of butterflies darted around my stomach. Feeling the bus start to move, I slid across so that I was beside the window. I unzipped my jacket--the heater on the bus already having defrosted my hands--before I started to rummage around in my bag. Not that I was looking for anything; I was procrastinating. I was drawing out the time until I looked. For it was inevitable that I looked. I always did in the end. I had once managed half the journey before my eyes had wandered to the small gap where the seats in front of me separated. Today though, I was admitting defeat.
My heart racing, I glanced down to where I knew it would be. Mocking me. Clenching my teeth in annoyance, I leant forward to take the folded piece of paper out of the gap. Not letting the screeching of the brakes deter me, I unfolded the paper in one swift movement. My throat constricted as my wide eyes scanned the almost illegible scrawl. My breathing was shallow as I screwed the paper back up and discarded it onto the dirty bus floor. It’s always the same message and I always reacted in the same way. I gazed out at the darkening, rain laden sky as the words swam around my head.
Hey Sadie. Have a nice day at work, xx
I allowed the bus driver a small smile as I got off, before a frown forced its way onto my face. Turning the volume all the way up on my iPod, I shoved my hands into my trouser pockets. Annoyingly though, the lyrics were still drowned out by the words buzzing in my mind. Stupid note. I scuffed my shoes along the pavement, sending a bottle top spinning to the curb.
My stomach whirled with anxiety as I approached the shopping precinct. Just in time too. Immediately after I had stepped inside the entrance, I heard the pelting of rain on the frosted glass roof. Avoiding a brigade of grannies with shopping carts, I slipped through the door and into the main shopping area. I pulled my head phones from my ears and the familiar sound of my favourite rock band was replaced by the humming of various voices. The smell of coffee was almost too enticing as I passed the small café only two stops from my destination. Glancing at my watch though, I realised I was almost late, so I quickened my pace until I was in front of the door to ‘Brooke Hill books.’ The aroma of coffee now turned my stomach as I braced myself to enter work.
Sighing, I pushed the glass fronted door open. To my relief the shop seemed empty. The door swung shut behind me and in doing so, cut off the hustle and bustle of the rest of the precinct. A sudden calm washed over me as I started forward and I allowed my smile to return. Pushing the note to the back of my mind, I made for the door at the back of the shop. Halfway there though, my calm vanished and my heart jumped to my throat. Mandy was standing behind the till. Her chestnut brown hair swept back by a black hair band. She smiled warmly at me and waved her right hand. My gaze was instantly pulled down to the folded piece of paper that she was holding out to me in her other hand. Not another note, please. I bit my lip and shook my head. No. I would ignore it. Biting even harder on my lip, I quickened my step until I was almost at the staff door. I halted at the sound of a her voice.
“Don’t you want your hours for next week?”
I released my throbbing lip as a relief-filled smile broke onto my face.
“Umm, sure,” I replied, turning back towards the counter.
“Jeez, Sadie. Sometimes I wonder if you’re all there.”
Avoiding the urge to snatch the paper from her hand, I took my hours before heading back towards the door.
“I was just thinking, that’s all,” I muttered, shaking my bag off of my shoulder and tucking the piece of paper inside.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” she joked. I rolled my eyes to dismiss her insult.
Placing my hand on the silver door handle, I pulled it open, threw my bag inside and shut the door again in one swift movement. Turning back towards the till, I just caught sight of Mandy placing a box on the counter. First another note, and now more gifts? I could feel frustration boiling in my blood. She flashed me an apologetic smile just as I stormed over to her.
“When did this get here?” I demanded, ignoring the fact that I shouldn’t talk to my boss like this.
“About half hour before you did,” she replied, jumping backwards as I tore the lid from the small rectangular box.
Thanks for reading!
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139,258 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
The requested critique-
I purposefully didn't read the prologue before this because 90% of the time they're not needed. I was fine without reading it, so why include it?
I really don't like critiquing your work, as I never find much wrong with it. However, this time something felt off. It wasn't as hooking as your stories normally are. I grew bored.
You need to amplify the emotions and senses tenfold. Let me feel like I'm there. Let the unease of seeing the note wash over me. Let me grow angry at the woman staring at me. If the reader doesn't feel the emotions, you failed at your job - let me feel the emotions.
Also, I found an article while critiquing someone else's work that I think would help you. It's Unneeded Information by Suzanne. I don't think you need it much, but it could help make your writing a little more crisp.
Sorry for the short critique!
~JFW1415
Dudette, you have so many excellent reviews already, so forgive me if this seems a bit repetitive...Oh, and thanks for using my thread!
Imagery - As I'm sure you've heard a lot, it's slightly lacking. For instance, when you say that she was comforted by the smell of coffee, how did she feel? Did the worry lines in her forehead simply evaporate away? Did the coffee's smell waft and surround her in a cocoon (which I think I spelled wrong XD) of warmth and safety? You get the idea right?
Characterization - You characterized the MC pretty well, and it was quite easy to get into her head...But, if you are going to spend a lot of time with the bus driver, I would make him easier to understand. Was he grumpy and impatient as she found her change? Did he roll his eyes at the old ladies yelling over the engine? Was he feeling a little sick because of the weather? Does he enjoy his job or does he just want to get home? Y'know, just to make him a little easier to relate to...
Mood - This is a rather opinionated category so I'm not going to elaborate too much. Sadie seems to be used to being stalked. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not...If not, I would delete the detail about the many notes/gifts. This seems to convey a rather bored tone...Although she is furious, she seems to check for the note anyway, and that makes it seem like a day-to-day affair. To make it more exciting, maybe the notes are in different places each time or something like that. This could create an aura of waiting and wondering what is going to happen, and when it will. Other than that, it seemed mysterious and really interesting!
Description - I would add a little more in this chapter. This would serve to bulk up the size and make it seem less like a prologue as well. For instance, are the seats in the bus always dirty? Does the bus driver have gray hair? Maybe have one of the shop workers remark on the MC's hair or something...Y'know just to help us get a picture in our mind.
Overall - Nice job on this! It was a cute theme and I've never heard it before. Love your originality. For the next part, I would like to get a little more on the other characters (bus driver if he's going to be back, store workers etc.). You might wish to consider switching POVs so that you can add a little more detail about the lesser characters lives. It would help show why they are acting the way they are and make them more relatable...
PM me if you have any questions!
fluteluvr77<3
Hey =]
I'd just like to say a massive 'thank you' to everyone who has helped me edit this story. The reviews you have all given have been wonderfully helpful!
I really can't thank you enough
Your positive comments have really spurred me on to write the next parts!
xDudettex
I loved this!
I can't really criticize you for anything! I'm not very good when it comes to grammar but I'm pretty sure that you don't have many grammar mistakes.
there are the odd parts that are confusing like
[quote]
Have a nice day at work, Sadie. xx
Is the note for Sadie or was it written for Sadie? It isn't very clear so you could rephrase that in a way that's easier to understand.
Except for that I loved your story and am definatly plannin on reading more once you have written it!
Good luck with the rest!
Meg x-x
Hello Dudette! Thanks so much for requesting me for the reviews! Congratulations on winning the CIA contest, by the way. Well, let's get started, shall we?
Just two minor things to point out, here. There should be a comma between "then" and "love". And then there should also be a comma in between "mine" and "though". When reading it out loud, I got confused at first. So just to break up the sentence and make it more clear.
Rosey mentioned that this gave good characterization to the character. While I agree with this, I also think that this bit of the paragraph is a little unnecessary. We don't really need to know that she doesn't like being thought of as a hooligan or mugger. You can show us this through her actions in the story, sure, but I think saying it here isn't needed.
I think this would look better like this: "I unzipped my jacket--the heater on the bus already having defrosted my hands--before I started to rummage around in my bag." Because otherwise it's kind of a long sentence to read.
I understand the mystery involved with this sentence, and that part is fine. But I was confused by what you meant by 'the small gap between the seats in front'. I'm guessing it's where the seats in front of her separate, yet it's rather unclear as to your meaning.
So is this what was in the seat ahead of her, or is this what she wrote on the note? More specifically, does the note mean it's from Sadie, or does it written by someone else, telling her to have a nice day at work? You may want to reword it so we can be sure.
Er.... what?
Anyway, that is all I had to point out. Now onto the juicy stuff!
There are parts, as I mentioned above, that are worded in a way that is confusing and could be taken different ways. Sometimes the imagery of what you were trying to explain got mixed up or unclear. You may want to go through and word things a little more carefully, making sure they make sense to the reader. Other than that though, your story I had no other mistakes. You really are a great writer!
One thing that kind of bothered me, though, is that this chapter reads like a prologue. I love how there's so much mystery involved, enough to capture my interest. But it kind of got to the point when there was almost too much mystery, even when it got a little frustrating. I think that we readers deserve just a little more information on what's going on. Because a lot of the mysterious bits of the story will be forgotten once we get to the second chapter and find out what it was that was bothering Sadie. We need to know just enough that it will stick with us, while still wanting to read on to find out more. If that makes sense?
Even so, your story is great so far. Both the prologue and the first chapter have great suspense and leave you wanting to read more. Who is Sadie giving into? Is it this celebrity stalker she was talking of? I love this aspect of the story.
You've also written it very well. It's a breath of fresh air not to have loads of grammatical mistakes to go through in this piece. You have a nice way of writing, giving some imagery, but not so much to make us bored, as many writers do. I'm looking forward to reading the next installment!
Happy writing,
-Holly
Hi!
This was really good and there are so many brilliant reviews before me that I'm afraid I won't be of much help, I'll do my best though! I didn't get a chance to look through all of them so if I repeat anything sorry 
Instead of just 'his was natural' I think you could say something like 'his was naturally gruff' or croaky or something along those lines
When you say head, it kind of makes me think of the top of it and wouldn't really think of moustache being included- I know it logically does but it just kind of appears that way to me when reading through this. And if I'm being super picky then wouldn't he have eyebrows?
You've just said about her voice being effected by the cold so I maybe wouldn't use cold again here, maybe instead you could just say about being numb from the long wait outside or the biting wind or something like that to avoid using the word.
I'm not sure if you need 'though' here, I think the sentence might work better with just 'Finally'.
Yeah its so unfair!!- Nothing wrong here I just wanted to agree
As you have already said about making your way to your usual seat and it's all one seat, you could maybe phrase it as sliding over to be beside the window. Perhaps something like this- 'feeling the bus start to move, I slid over so that I was next to the window.' It would save from repeating seat as well
If it was one short sentence of 'Always the same message' I think it would work better but as its one longer sentence I'd maybe begin it with 'it's'. If not you could maybe change the second part to fit in with the first, like 'Always the same message and always the same reaction.'
I think this would be good with an extra word after 'bottle top' to show its movement to the curb- like skidding/ skipping/ skittering/ spinning or something similar.
As you have just said the note stopped you, I'd maybe use another word here or phrase it a bit differently- 'I halted at the sound of a familiar female voice.' or something like that
Instead of 'an' I'd say 'one' as 'an' always makes me think of it not being hers (I think that's just me being weird
Overall: Like I said, this is really good and as quite a few people have been over it before is pretty much perfect! I was being really picky to get the nitpicks I did so (as always) don't listen to them if you think anything else
In general I think you could maybe add more to how people say things- at first you do well with the raspy voice but once she gets to work there is not much on the two other girls voices or her own. Maybe a bit more on Mandy's reaction when she storms over might be good too- how she replies to her demand and how she jumps back. I noticed you used smiling to show her emotion quite a bit, which worked well but I'd maybe add more to the expression other than smiling. Like when she is getting her confidence back, her walk could be different or her eyes brighten or little actions like flicking her hair back. Smiling is what people naturally do or don't do depending on their mood but there are a lot of other subtle things they do also that really paint a picture if you describe them
This was a good piece and I did read the prologue and thought that was just as great! I'll definitely be reading on
That was pretty tight. Cant wait for more!!
)
Hiya Dudette! Sorry it took me so long to get around to this.
Hmm, I'm wondering how she managed to smell the fumes if she was holding her breath? I would mention her taking an accidental breath from holding hers so long (I've done that more then once after passing a long line of smokers) or that the wind forced the smell up her nose to make this more believable.
After reading over this dialogue, I thought their tones were very different. Your MC's voice played in my head almost like a cough, while the driver had a really nice British accent. (I tend to suck at hearing voices differently in my head, so you did a really good job there). No matter how much I read these two lines they don't sound like they're in the same tone.
Nice characterization here! It gives a general feel for her age and thought-process. It also makes me question how she looks. It hints that she's not a normal-looking teenager, or that that woman is just biased. Lots of questions, and all are good!
This is another nice bit of characterization, but after having taken the bus by myself for over a year, I always sit by the driver in the front for safety. I think you should elaborate more on why she feels safe/likes being at the back.
Add "of me" at the end of this line to make it clearer where these seats are. ^_^
You hadn't mentioned she was frowning before. I thought she was just disappointed. Perhaps her disappointment turned to frustration?
~ What is the "it" you are referring too?
~ I didn't notice any mention the note was written by a "he."
If you squeak in what genre she's listening to, it would give us that much more characterization. ^_^
In all of this, you haven't mentioned why seeing an arm (or an unnamed object) would cause her to react that way.
This ending hints at a lot of things, some of which have validity, others that don't have much.
Valid hints:
That she and her boss are close
That this note-business has been going on for awhile.
Hint I'm questioning:
That she'd been expecting a box.
The hint I'm questioning is important for this whole scene to really make sense. Why had she been expecting that box? Is that why she got exited when she saw her boss's arm over the counter? But, if that was the case, why did she run away? That whole scene is missing some "why" to it. ^_^
~~
Slowly dropping hints: I'm not sure how much that style is working for this piece. With the note it was good; we wondered what it was and it built suspense as to what she was so exited about. When the note ends up being almost nothing, we're just as disappointed as she is, because there is so much build-up. That's good. It makes us really feel how the MC is feeling.
But, when it comes to the package, you're a bit too slow dropping us into things. Since that's such a strange element (it has a lot of questions around it, like why is it there, how long she's been expecting it, why it's sent to her work and not her home and why she'd run away from it), you'd need to tell us what it is a bit faster so we can get answers to all these questions and not have any head-scratching going on.
Characterization: You've done a really good job of showing, not telling, the MC's age and mind-set, although some of the more counter-intuitive responses (points to overall comments above) could be explained a bit more.
However, the boss I'm a bit confused on. She seems to be the same age as your MC, yet she's the boss so it's implied that she's older. Hmm, I would suggest to keep an eye on the CIA for their article on describing ages that's coming out. It would hold some tips for characterizing the boss more.
Overall: This was a good first chapter, but the slow dropping of hints is the biggest problem I see. Since we're still familiarizing ourselves with your character, it's hard to know why she's reacting that way without knowing what she's reacting to (although the note was well done, keep in mind!).
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Very descriptive and I enjoyed reading. Overall, imagery was wonderful and this made it easy to read.
Very descriptive and I enjoyed it.
I think this would be better as, ‘As I lived on the outer suburbs (of inserttownhere?), the bus was the only way to work.’ OR ‘As I lived on the outer suburbs, the only way to work was the bus.’
‘spoke to the driver’ should be followed by Sadie actually speaking to the driver, IMO, not noting about his appearance, smiling AND stepping forward. Maybe change the order of these sentences?
I think this would be better as, ‘I said. My voice was raspy from the cold.’
Too much information: just ‘purse’ would be adequate.
Why? You don’t explain this. Also, this is followed by your character still walking – yet ‘to take a seat’ implies that she has already found one. Maybe change ‘to take a seat’ to ‘to find a seat’.
This seemed incomplete to me – where is her usual seat?
Maybe change to, ‘made for my usual seat at the back of the bus.’ – or wherever it is.
These seem awkward, maybe try, ‘I wasn’t looking for anything; I was procrastinating.’
Darkening sky? I thought that this was the morning; if her shift at work is, say, an evening shift, then perhaps say as much earlier in the chapter.
I think you should have the ‘x’ after the full stop. At the moment, it looks like it’s just being signed by someone called Sadie X, and that’s not right.
So, ‘Have a nice day at work, Sadie. x(xx?)’
Why? Is the bus driver watching her?
Wait. What? When did she get off of the bus? o___o
(Plus, for £2.30, that was a hell of a quick bus ride.)
Nice imagery. xD I laughed.
You seem to start sentences a lot with ‘X-ing’. With a verb, I think, but I’m not too good on my literary terms. Maybe try to focus on not starting so many sentences with action? It gets distracting, I found.
This seems like foreshadowing to me – has something happened to her before in the coffee-shop? Intriguing, if this is the case; if not, you might want to edit or remove this sentence in favour of something else.
‘Sighing, I pushed the door open. To my relief, the shop seemed empty.’
‘a relief-filled smile’
‘joked. I rolled my eyes’
Is the box the object that was earlier in the hand that reached out to the character? If not, then what was, and why did she overreact so much?
Delete everything after ‘demanded’ – it’s unnecessary. If you earlier say that Mandy is Sadie’s boss, then we’ll work it out from there, but if your character is thinking that she shouldn’t be speaking to her in that way, then she isn’t forgetting. Show, don’t tell.
Uh… how did she know it was for her? o___o
Okay, so, comments.
I didn’t enjoy this chapter quite so much as I did the prologue – I understand that it’s something of a transitional chapter, to get Sadie from her home to her workplace, but it seems a little bogged down by extra details. I did like some aspects, like the humour (ie. In the ‘brigade of grannies’), and I’d definitely enjoy the story more if there was more humour in it; your character seems poised to have a good sense of humour, yet it is as if you—the author—is holding her back. Let her develop as she wants to – that’s all the advise I can really offer ATM. c:
Hey Dudette,
Here's the review that I promised.
When you say that the fumes were like an acid you're a little vague. Try be more specific, perhaps, "The fumes felt like an acid on the back of my throat".
This could once again be clearer. Perhaps, "For one living in the outer suburbs, the bus was the only way to work."
Wonderful.
I'd try to stress the cold a little more here. Perhaps, "My hands dug through my pink faux leather purse for what seemed like forever before I finally pulled out some change. They felt numb when I finally handed him the correct amount." You don't need to tell us that you took the ticket from the machine.
Now, the use of the word "now" often slows down the pace of a sentence, and is superfluous and unnecessary. (Yes, I intended both of those ironies that I put in that sentence
Either change the semicolon to a comma, or change the second part to, "the heater on the bus had already defrosted my hands before I started to rummage through my bag."
Try, "I allowed the bus driver a small smile."
Wonderful, although I have to comment that I think that it is a little awkward to call it your "workplace". I'd try put in a line earlier telling us where you work.
lol!
Perhaps, "like this", instead of "this way".
Great Cliffhanger!
You don't have to be too worried about ending up ruining your story if you carry on this great. You do know how to exploit a good idea! I hope this helped.
Have a good one!
Hi! Thanks for the PM!
First of all, this sentence caught me out:
I allowed a small smile for the bus driver, before the frown forced its way back onto my face.
so I hurried my pace
Okay... so we still don't know what your character is. Because of the prologue I do know that it is a celebrity, but it seems odd that they work 'hours' in a mall. I also don't get the whole thing in the box, and have no idea what your character looks like. You need to describe what she is doing, but that could come in the next part of this chapter. I say that you should continue this chapter by explaining more things, but try and not be info-dump-ish. Perhaps you could add in things like:
What I want to know in Chap. 1 Part. 2:
An old lady lowered her gaze and tightened her hold on her bag as I passed her and continued forward.
Try and add some commas/full stops in there. It seems to me that it is really long. You could perhaps have it as:
I noticed the old lady, a regular, as I walked the aisle. I winced as she made an ever so slight movement - protecting her bag from these 'hooligan teenagers' that the media comments on daily.
Okay, so the bus driver is the stalker? Why doesn't he just talk to her when she gets on?
I'm not sure is hurried is the word. I think quickened would fit more here.
The work on my new movie was harder than I thought, but the pay was good and I would get heaps of publicity
Perhaps not like that; it's an info dump and tell-ish, but try and work these things into the story.
Who she works for
Who the box is from - she seemed to over-react to in in my opinion
Why she can't ride a limo to work
What she looks like
If you could clear these up soon then that would be great!
That was quick!
I. NITPICKS
If she lives in the city, are bus fumes really going to affect her that much?
aisle, surely?
iPod. I know, it's weird.
in its grasp.
comma before name.
Okay...
II. AND SO...
You spend a long time with the bus driver. Much longer than is necessary. I realise that it is, in some ways, effective, as you show Sadie's attempts to have a normal life. However, they are also rather boring details. It's like, after the first few paragraphs, we've got: she's on the bus. It's sort of... myeh. There's no hint of the fact that she's concentrating on the normal things... I don't know if you get what I mean. It's just that you shove in a whole lot of unnecessary details.
III. OVERALL
That was about it. I'm still a bit sort of, well, nothing much happened. Maybe the note could go at the end, to build up the climax. I t may not be a climax for Sadie, but it's a climaax for us, if you know what I mean. Describe her typical day up to that point. Else you've already established the stalker fully and then when we get to the box it's like "Oh. It's a box."
But overall, well written and enjoyable!
Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!
-Stella.
Hi Dudette! Jon here!
His hair was minimal? Maybe that's just an England thing, but, it doesn't sound right to me. Maybe you could just say that he was balding or something. That the only hair on his head was the sparse patches on either side of his head and his bush-like mustache.
Maybe you could add more to this by saying she moved her feet inward and grasped her purse a little tighter. You don't have to, but, small details make things better.
Usually if your throat is dry, you don't have any saliva in your mouth. So how did she wet her mouth by swallowing? If her mouth was dry then it meant she didn't have any saliva, so swallowing couldn't help. Have her pull out a water-bottle or something from her purse to drink.
When you just say this it makes it open to anyone. Meaning that letter/note could have been for anyone. You should personalize it by saying, "Have a good day at work, Sadie." Also, you don't have to bold these words. Just italicize them.
To enter what? Specify.
You swallowed hard? I didn't know there were different strengths of swallowing... You should say something like, "Sighing, I pushed the....." Swallowing makes it seem like your afraid to go to work.
Sadie waved her hand behind her? I don't understand why that would be waving something off? How did she so it? This makes no sense to me. However, maybe to make it clearer, you could have Sadie rolling her eyes or something. ---->
If it got there a half an hour before she did, how did it just show up? It would have been there the whole time she was. This bit makes no sense. A moment is like a couple of seconds, so, just have her boss give it to her saying it was for her.
Overall: This was an interesting little chapter you have here! I can't wait to see chapter two and what is in the box!
---Jon---
I loved it. That's all I can say.
Hey
This was still really good. I didn't see many grammar issues; I probably wouldn't be able to point any out. Yeah, anyways, I thought this was just as good as the prologue and I still really enjoyed it.
I don't really have any suggestions or anything. I hope you add more soon.