Hey =] So this is a little something that I wrote in an attempt to get through my writers block. I don't have a clue where the idea for this came from, but at least it's helped break through the barriers of writers block a little =] Hope you like it. xDudettex
The darkening and narrowing of her eyes was enough to make my insides knot. Make me want to disappear and avoid the hate filled scrutiny in her glare. Glowering was what she did best.
It was impossible to feel anything more than an inch tall when her eyes were set on you. Probing you. Destroying your self confidence.
But now I’d give anything to see that infamous glower. Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.
Each grin cuts deeper, making me feel even more worthless.
Each smile is a slap to the face.
And I don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t think I can stand to see another one of her deadly smiles.
Mocking me with false emotions is too much to bear. The pain is just too intense.
Smiles are supposed to be happy and comforting. Reassuring. Loving. But those aren’t feelings that she’s ever felt towards me.
Hatred. Loathing. Revulsion. Those are the feelings that she associates with me. Her own child.
I am the mistake. The child she never wanted.
Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more.
Thanks for reading!
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139,259 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this one seems to be playing fast and loose with emotions right here, and I am loving it so far. Its such a simple kind of description to be starting with but you've managed to really capture its power her and bring it all across quite nicely here. I can't wait to see where exactly this takes us here, especially given that it looks like nothing particularly good is set to happen here.
Ooooh we've got ourselves a very powerful moment right there. It seems this person is on the receiving end of someone really toying with their emotions in the worst way possible and we're seeing this person suffering for that as a result. Well this is certainly making things even more intriguing right here. I can't wait to see where this ends here.
Well that one really hits hard there when the reveal comes this is all stemming from the mother. I like that this reveal only really happens at the very end there. It makes it all much more powerful when it all falls into place and we finally know what it is that has been causing so much pain to this person here. On the whole, I think you've done a wonderful job capturing these emotions here and so you've got a really powerful piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Dudette
You've given me some epic reviews so I'm hoping to return the favour, even though mine probably won't be as awesome, especially as your writing is fabulous. You portrayed this character very well, so I commend you for that. You can really feel the emotion bubbling at the surface, which is absolutely fantastic.
One thing:
If it were me, I'd add a question mark at the end of this sentence, as well as the other one further down the page, at the end
Who would have thought that smiles could hurt so much more?
Other than that, I thought this was excellent. If you flesh it out a little more and expand on it, shoot me a PM so I can follow. I'm sure this is definitely a story that I would find read-worthy. Again, I really lvoed the piece and you definitely continue writing
Hi Dudette,
This isn't the sort of stuff that I usually review, but in your case I'll make an exception. Flash fiction usually limits you to describing a moment, a feeling, or a oddity. Your aim in writing this was to exploit our emotions. You did this admirably. Let's take it line by line, though.
Just a thought, but perhaps you want to switch the order of these two sentences. Were you to do this, you would be giving us a little more context as we know your story will be told in the first person. You also immediately make it personal, and throw our emotions a little out of whack.
This is marvelously emotive. I think this line is great.
I would cut the "more than an inch tall", and rather say, "It was impossible to feel like anyone when her eyes were set on you." I think that this would create a better effect, but that may just be my opinion.
Nice.
Note this sentence, I'll return to it later.
Very nice, but you might want to be a little more personal once again. Example: "With each grin she cuts deeper, making me more worthless."
Try, "Each smile is a slap to the face."
Good. I can feel the anger.
This feels to me a tad repetitive. Perhaps moving it to the end would help?
Great!
Those are the feelings she associates with me.
I'm going to have to agree with June here. I'd remove the "For".
I'm going to remind you of the line that I asked you to remember above:
These sentences are virtually identical. If this is a refrain, I would suggest keeping the wording the same. If not, I'd do away with one of them.
Overall:
Have a great one.
Wow, I have one thing to say and that's that this is very expressive! It seems you'r point of this bit was to get a girls/boys feeling across, and you did a awesome job. What I loved the best what many of the feelings and emotions you used, I felt as if I could feel them myself, so claps to you! I love your very style of writing!
Hey. I think June got most of the errors. And, I don't really have any either. I have to say I really liked this and I hope you expand on it, it has a lot of potential. If you do continue, I'd look forward to seeing this. The child's hatred of his/her mother was portrayed very well . Great job.
Hi,
I really enjoyed this story. Just be sure to check for spelling mistakes!
Love,
N
Hi hi! June here!
Here's an attempt to review/critique this.
I really like your writing-- I just don't read it enough.
So, for starters, I think you have a good opening.
I would eliminate the word uncomfortably. A knotting stomach is a sign of uneasiness, so it's implied that this character would be uncomfortable.
I would eliminate "For" here; it's slightly bothersome, because it's kind of changing the language of the piece.
These sound pretty repetitive.
SO!
I think you have a good foundation here, dear, and I would certainly love for you to expand on it. I think that this is a wonderful start because you can go on into how this mother treats this child and so on so forth. If you continue/expand on this, let me know, please! I would love to follow along.
Juniper