Hey =] Just a quick thank you to all those who have read and/or reviewed the previous parts. Your help will be appreciated on this part too! Not that much happens in this part, but I hope you enjoy it anyway 
xDudettex
My mind was racing and I felt sick. I could almost feel the bile rising in my throat. Great. Another gift.
“Did you see who left it?” I asked, throwing fistfuls of the red tissue paper onto the carpet beside the counter. Fortunately, aside from Mandy, there was no-one else present to see me attacking the box like a psycho.
“It was a delivery guy,” Mandy said. “He arrived a few minutes after I opened up this morning.”
“Same guy as last time?”
“Nope,” she said, handing me a folded piece of paper. My breathing seemed to falter. Taking the paper from her, I hesitated before straightening it out. My heart thumped wildly in my chest.
I saw these and I just had to get them for you. The green matches your eyes perfectly x
Abandoning the note, I tore the last layer of tissue away before my gaze rested on a black jewellery box. I lifted it out of the first packaging. Mandy’s eyes widened.
“Wow,” she gasped. “This secret admirer of yours must really like you.”
“I know,” I said, lifting the lid off to expose a pair of earrings. I could feel my head spinning. Two shiny emeralds surrounded by diamonds were reflected in my gaze. “Maybe a little too much for my liking.”
The earrings ruined the rest of my day. Tucked under the till, my eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to them. What was he thinking? No-one other than royalty could get away with wearing jewellery like that. I mean, come on. How was a girl who worked part-time in a book shop supposed to afford earrings like those?
Mandy, on the other hand, couldn’t help bringing the stupid earrings back into the conversation. How much do you reckon they cost? Do you think the emeralds are real? Aren’t you going to wear them? Her constant nagging had really tried my patience, but after being rude to her earlier, I didn’t want to annoy her further. I didn’t think that she would sack me - she doesn’t have the heart. She’s too nice, that’s her downfall. Mandy just doesn’t understand. Not the real story anyway. She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so ridiculous. So I settled on the whole, ‘secret admirer’ scenario. Fortunately she believed that.
After work, I practically stomped out to my mum’s car to get a lift home. The reason for my foul mood was hidden away in the bottom of my bag. That’s where it would be staying too. I didn’t want to ever have to look inside the stupid jewellery box again. The rain had ceased and the car park was lit by the orange glow of streetlamps.
I pulled the front passenger door of my mum’s Volvo open, before clambering inside. I disguised my scowl the best I could before turning to look at her. I needn’t have bothered. She was posing in the mirror. Again. My mum is the vainest person on earth.
A couple of moments passed before she realised that I was sitting next to her.
“So,” she started, clearing her throat with a noise that sounded somewhere between a hiccup and a cough.
“Boring,” I said, clicking my seatbelt into place. “Apart from the part where the giraffe chased the hippo into Ann Summers. That was amusing.”
She didn’t even raise an eyebrow. Everyone who knew me understood that my sarcasm was a sign that I didn’t want to talk. She did another little cough, before starting the engine. Good. The sooner I’m home, the better.
The journey home had been silent. Thankfully. I don’t think I could have put up with listening to my Mum blabbering on about nonsense.
Tea time was not so quiet. There was a little voice inside my head and it wouldn’t quit pestering me. It whispered at me to look at the earrings, but I refused to listen. Come on Sadie. You know you want another look. One tiny peek won’t hurt. I could see my work bag out of the corner of my eye from where I was sitting at the dining table. Stabbing irritably at the burger on my plate, I heard a snort.
“I think it’s already dead,” my brother, Declan, said wryly, from across the table. I shot him my most reproachful look before taking another stab at my food.
“What’s wrong with you?”
I looked up at him again from beneath my fringe, but before I could even retort, Mum cut in.
“Don’t start you two,” she sighed from her spot on the sofa. Typical. She didn’t really care if we argued or not, and as long as we did it quietly so she could still hear the TV, she didn’t get involved. Unfortunately for her though, arguing wasn’t something me and Declan did quietly.
I chewed slowly on a mouthful of baked potato, before deciding that our spat wasn’t over. Even with her focus on the TV screen, where she was watching some stupid program about celebs, Mum has eyes like a hawk so I wasn’t going to risk getting caught. I slowly leaned forward.
“You’re such a loser,” I said with a slight smirk. Declan frowned.
“Freak.”
“Loner.”
“Weirdo.”
“Head case.”
“Mum. Sadie’s getting on my nerves!” Declan whined.
“Am not!” I said, my smirk widening.
“Kids!” Mum said, “will you stop it!”
“But she…” Declan started, but he quickly trailed off. I guessed that Mum was giving him ‘the look.’ Every mum has one. A look I mean. When you see it, you know you’ve crossed the line. When my Mum does hers, her whole face goes puffy and you can see the vein in her forehead pulsating.
I crossed my eyes at Declan as I pushed my plate into the centre of the table.
“Where are you going?” He said, his jet black eyebrows lowering.
“I’m not hungry anymore,” I said, getting up from my chair. “I saw your face and it repulsed me so much that I don’t think I can stomach another mouthful.”
He opened his mouth, showing off half chewed burger. I narrowed my eyes.
“Vile.”
“Spaz.”
“Pig.”
“Moron.”
“Kids!”
Thanks for reading!
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139,258 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
The requested critique-
Honestly, there’s not much point to this story at the moment. It’s going very slowly and I’m growing bored quickly. You need to give the reader a reason to keep going, to read 20 pages before realizing it’s been two hours. At the moment, you don’t have that. You’re too wrapped up in the dull parts of life. Do I care about them? No. I live through them every day.
I want to see what’s so special about her that she got written about (even though she’s fake.) I want to see a conflict, something that will keep me awake well into the night. Right now this is fine, but there’s no point in reading.
Try starting somewhere else in the story. If she’s going to be kidnapped by the celebrity, start with her waking up in the van. You’re starting in a rather dull spot, trying to build the story first, but in this case it just doesn’t work. You need to start in a place of action and hook us.
(Also, I finally did read your prologue, and it’s not needed. But it would make an excellent back cover to this story. =])
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415
Hello Dudette! Sorry it took me so long to get to this one. I've been immensely busy. But I've come at last! Anyhow, I was too lazy to read the comments above, so sorry if I repeat anything you've already heard.
I don't think 'said' is the best word to describe this. It's obvious she's not too happy about receiving this amazing gift, so maybe you should say '"I know," I sighed exasperatedly...' I think this will really set the mood that whoever this creeper is sending her this stuff, it's not her cup of tea.
I'm not sure if I like this bit here. It sounds like she's rambling about something not very important. Do we really need to know if Mandy's too nice to sack her or not? If I were you, I'd take out this part and leave it at the sentence before this.
I think right here would be a great time to explain if her mom knows about this secret admirer or not, since you never really specify. Is Mandy the only one who knows? Also, two other things to mention about this bit. First of all, who's Ann Summers? You kind of just threw a name we've never heard before in, unless my memory is failing me and you mentioned her previously.
What's already dead? The burger? Sadie?
Should be "A look, I mean".
He = he
Anyway, enough with the nitpicks and such! Now onto comments and suggestions.
One thing I love is how obvious you make it that Sadie's not thrilled about this secret admirer, but she's still a little curious. I think Sadie's character is very well developed already. A problem with that, however, is that you kind of tell us too much of her character without letting us discover it ourselves. Don't tell us that people automatically know to get silent when she makes a sarcastic comment. Show it to us in her actions, in dialogue! That's what we want to see.
Another thing I would suggest is to go deeper into the looks and characters of the other characters. I can't imagine any of the characters because I don't know enough about their appearances. What does her mother look like? Mandy? Her brother? You may also want to describe the surroundings in a little better detail as well. What's her bookstore like? What does it smell like? Feel like?
And last thing I wanted to mention was that I wasn't sure if I liked how this ended. It was too... abrupt, especially considering the beginning of the chapter. The beginning was so suspenseful and eventful, and then the chapter ends at a kind of pointless scene. I like that you show the relationship between her brother and her, and even with her mum, but I think you need to expand on this scene and make it more important, worth out time to read.
Well, that is all I have to say!
-Holly
I like this because it shows us the personality of your main character.otherwise anything I would have mentioned has already been written above, so I won't bore you by repeating it.
Hi again
I like how you have continued! I found the arguments between her and her brother really funny, anyone who has a sibling will definitely be completely familiar with that situation!
I'm not sure if you need it but I think 'were' after diamonds might read better here
I'm sorry to say I didn't really like this part that much, I think you could simplify it a lot more. I'd maybe cut it down, leaving out a couple of 'though' and things like that. Maybe something like this-
Her constant nagging had really tried my patience, but after being rude to her earlier, I didn’t want to annoy her further. I didn't think she would sack me- she doesn’t have the heart. She’s too nice, that’s her downfall. Mandy just doesn’t understand. Not the real story anyway. She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so ridiculous. So I settled on the whole, ‘secret admirer’ scenario.
That way its kind of more simple and straight forward
I think you could mention its the end of work first, as then the reader will immediately know that time has passed. You perhaps could just rearrange it to something like- 'After work I practically stomped to my mum's car to get a lift home.'
You say 'the reason' as if it's one thing but then refer to it as 'them' and 'they' which would mean more than one- I can see why you would do this as they are earrings so there are two in a pair but it caught me a bit when reading through. You could maybe keep referring to it as one thing (as it is one pair of earrings), although for 'them' I don't think it would work referring to it as one thing so maybe saying something about never wanting to look inside the box again or never wanting to look upon the stones again to get around using 'them'
You've just said the journey home was silent but then you say that 'Tea time was just as bad', you never mentioned about the journey home being bad- I kind of thought she was relieved by her mum not talking so you wouldn't really say this here. It's kind of the opposite as you mention a voice talking to her inside her head, so maybe instead you could comment on the change in quietness, for instance- 'Tea time was not so quiet.'
I think it could be good here to have what the voice is saying in italics instead of telling the reader it whispered to her, perhaps showing how it tries to persuade her to take a peek.
I'm not sure why but I think 'beneath' might sound better here than 'underneath'
I'm not sure about describing a smirk as 'soft'- maybe 'small' or 'slight'?
I think for both of these 'said' you could say something better to show how they say what they do. The first said could be something like 'protested' and the second 'ordered' or 'shouted' or something similar
I'm not sure about 'ceased' here, I think it sounded a bit out of place. Instead maybe something about trailing off or quickly falling silent might fit better.
As its a question I'd say 'asked' here instead of 'said' and I'm not that sure on the description. I like how you are giving more of an image to her brother but I think you could maybe phrase it a bit differently as the idea of his eyebrows pressing down seemed a bit strange to me when I first read it. Maybe instead something like 'His dark eyebrows pulling low over his eyes.'
Overall: I like how you are revealing more on the main characters home life and the introduction of the brother
I think a bit more description on the mum is needed, the brother I am getting more of an image of but the mum I was a bit confused about. At first I thought she was quite pretty as she was posing in the mirror and sounded quite vain, but then when you described her as angry she sounded kind of scary
You mention the earrings quite a bit throughout the story but not the actual stalker- I think it might be good to bring it back to him a couple of times, perhaps in her thoughts or when she is refusing to look at the earrings. Otherwise he is kind of left out of the picture, whereas I think it would be a nice creepy idea to have him always in the back of her mind and continuing to crop up
I like how this has carried on and look forward to reading more! As always, my comments are just suggestions
Hey Dudette
Sorry I didn't have time to do this over the past couple of days, schools been really hectic but I have a bit of time now, so here goes:
This sounds a little clumsy, perhaps you'll try something more along the lines of: "Fortunately, aside from Mandy, nobody was present to witness my psychotic removal of the box's wrapper."
Under most circumstances peoples eyes simply read over the word "said", so unless you specifically want to convey an emotion, I would stick with simply saying "said". I know that many English teachers find this monotonous, but according to some of the best writers of our time, the monotony doesn't register in most of our brains. Other words like "shrugged" simply interrupt the reader, and very often undermine the effect that the writer wanted the dialogue to have. Remember, the dialogue is important, you merely have that middle section there to let us know who's speaking.
When writing as a persona from a first person perspective, it's less important to focus on your reactions than it is to focus on your thoughts. Don't tell us a reaction if it can be explained better with a thought. Under most normal circumstances the only time that you will tell us about actions, is when you can see a reaction, as opposed to a thought. This happens in third person narration, but should not happen in first person narration unless you are accounting somebody else's actions and responses to you. This point for me is sometimes the most irritating pitfall that many first person books actually carry.
Once again, I find your use of alternative words to "said" disruptive. As it is, your dialogue is descriptive enough to not need these alternate words.
This is a really nice paragraph. Nitpick though. It should be "Jewelry"
This is quite the confession perhaps you could be a little more subtle. Something like "I didn't want to disturb her further."
You could then continue as you did:
I wouldn't change your tense. The last to sentences might read better: "So, I settled on the whole 'secret admirer' scenario. Fortunately, she believed that."
Very nice!
I think that yanked is a pretty strong word when pulled would suffice.
I think you could develop quite an interesting thought persona if you dropped the expressions. Even if you think them, I think it would have a pretty good effect if you dropped them: So drop the "Jeez".
Very nice.
Once again, but this time ironically, you have "interrupted" the process of our reading with your substitution for "said".
It had been "conducted", it had "proceeded" in silence, or it had simply been silent. It had not, however been in silence.
Very nice, one question though, were you angry or aggravated?
Don't tell us this, it makes it sound unnatural. Do, however, leave us with enough information to imagine that someone in your situation would roll their eyes.
Make it more personal. He's got a name for a reason.
If I'm not mistaken it's "leaned".
"You're such a loser, " I said with a soft smirk. Declan frowned. Nothing more is necessary.
Your thought person is really interesting here.
It's disruptive to use all of these words.
We don't want to know what you did. We want to know what you thought. It characterizes you much better.
Once again, such a wonderful conversation is spoiled by interruptions.
Very nice!
While this is entertaining, I can't really imagine it happening.
So, basic comments: Disturbances are unnecessary. We want to know who you are. Not what you do, unless it's important.
I really like the way you seem to be handling this, although I didn't like this chapter as much as the first
With a little bit of work, you could have a masterpiece here. I hope it helped.
Have a good one!
‘throwing fistfuls of’
‘of the red tissue’?
I think this would be better as, ‘to see me attacking the box like a psycho.’
‘arrived a few minutes after’?
Very creepy. I love it.
Same as last time; too many sentences starting with a verb. Maybe try: ‘I lifted it out of the packaging. Mandy’s eyes widened.’
I think omitting ‘her mouth open now too’ would be better –
‘“Wow,” she gasped.’
This sounds a bit awkward. Maybe change it for, ‘The earrings ruined the rest of my day.’
Huh. I thought she worked in a coffee shop.
‘Mandy, on the’
These short sentences seem awkward. Maybe just change for, ‘I didn’t think that she would sack me, though. She doesn’t have the heart.’
Sarcastic? Having a celebrity stalker would probably labelled as ridiculous, not sarcastic.
‘fool mood was hidden away’
Erm, since flirting often involves little touches and leaning towards people and such, I don’t think ‘flirting with herself’ is quite the sort of thing you mean? Maybe exchange for, ‘She was smiling at herself in the mirror.’
Unnecessary; omit.
I giggled; I like the character’s sarcasm, here. c:
Since she’s reporting her thoughts, ‘I was’ should be ‘I am’ or ‘I’m’ – you don’t generally think in the past tense.
Nonsense and not talking sense are the same thing – omit the second (and third) sentences.
Since it’s a ‘little voice’, maybe ‘It whispered (seductively?) at me’ would be better.
Omit ‘had’ – ‘even retort, Mum cut in.’
Not really necessary. It doesn’t add to the story – I’d delete this sentence. (Unless it’ll be important later?)
Huh. I thought she was arguing with her father. Perhaps change ‘Declan said wryly’ to ‘my brother, Declan, said wryly’.
You jumped to present tense for some reason, here. Don’t tense-jump.
Cut down to just, “Pig.” I did like the insult-exchange between her and her brother, though. Very realistic.
Overall – good job! Liked this slightly more than the first half, though I do think it would maybe have been better to concentrate more on the description of the earrings; for something that ruined her day, I’d have thought that she would have looked at them quite closely. Make sure you PM me when you’ve got the next bit done. c:
Okay... just one thing I noticed... how old is declan? Older or younger? Also, I don'tthink that you mentionsed anythign about what she does for work here eiother... It's been a while since I read the last one, so you might have mentioned it there... no, you don't!
Oh well, you could describe it in the next chapter.
One thing that I think you should add to the next part about your celebrity stalker is...
Does she know who it is? Is it a celebrity, or just a stalker in her mind?
You ruined it for us in the prologue - so I'm not sure if your MC knows yet!
I really like it. When are we going to find out how this 'secret admirer' is?????
Hey dear, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
I think it's just fistfuls.
At this point I was like "Huh? What happened to the bus?"
The wording's a bit weird...
Perhaps an exclamation mark or a question mark would be more suitable?
Okay...
II. CHARACTERIZATION
In the first half, Sadie seems to have the sense to understand that you can't just wear fancy earrings around... an act of maturity. However, this slowly deteriorates as she gets home. I know that people change when their families are around, but not that much... if she's old enough to be working in a shop, her fights with her brother are probably going to be verbal rather than kicking each other under the table... think about it...
III. OVERALL
Again, not very much going on... I'm waiting for a flashback to happen!
Hope I helped,
-Stella.