I lay on the leafy flesh
that veils
the jutted rocks,
protruding
from the rich earth.
I lay beneath
the swaying limbs
like that of a skirt
upon a dancer's waist.
and gnarled trunks
which wait,
a short while to rot.
I lay under the
tickled pink sky
that watches
my twisted body lay.
I lay dead,
cold, motionless
and without
spirit or soul.
My vacant eyes
watch the empty promises
of the world, as I lay.
I lay, while the world lies.
Without spirit or soul all the same.
For, while no one is watching,
the leaves curl into crinkled brown wads.
The trees droop
and the green grass wilts, beneath I.
The sky darkens,
and the sun dims
suggesting the night to come.
The world silently
fades without sound or warning
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
...Okay. So, I fixed the "which wait, a short wait to rot" to "which wait, a short while to rot". Then I fixed the error "The world silently dies" to "the world silently fades" to portray the feeling of night coming instead of the apocalyptic portrayal of the world ending.....so I think I have everything fixed.....thank-you for the comments, feel free to comment on any of my other works, or this one in dispute if you have not yet!!!!!
-------DaRieN
This poem was really soothing but with a dark feel to it. This is a unique combination, which I really enjoyed. There is some great imagery and vocab in this poem. It paints a clear picture for the reader. My only suggestion is that you change
:I would change the second wait to something else, perhaps time. I'm not sure, it just seemed repeatitive to me.
Otherwise great work! I really enjoyed this poem
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
It's kind a serene poem here. Just lying, lying on the ground. It's kind of sad though, at the end. It turns eerie, melancholy even. However there's one thing I'd like to take a look at:
Perhaps either you mean it dies, like, pretty much never to be lived on again or do you mean that night falls? If night falls, I suggest changing the word "dies" for another, more suitable one. I find that "dies" isn't quite what you mean, and it could mean something entirely different than you want it to.
Lavvi
...I won't lie, I was attracted to the poem because the title had the word 'pink' in it...I'm a pink fanatic. ^_^
The only thing I want to remark on is this line:
I loved this line, because it immediately gives the reader th most vivid and real scenery to the mind's eye.
Other than that, this was nice work.
Hey there
Wow there is a lot of feeling in this poem. Emotion is always great! Especially if it is expressed as well, bravo!
Keep it up!
xxx Upile xxx