Here's another poem. I know I need to improve, so please criticize with that thought in mind. Thank you very much!
Mistakes are made
That you can’t take back
You regret them,
But do you realize
They affect the people around too?
My hearts aches to see you walk away
Then my tears fill me eyes
When I know that you want to walk away
I can heal my own heart
But you hurt the on person close to me
I can’t heal her heart
And now neither can you
You don’t see her tears fall
When your away
Maybe if you did,
you wouldn’t act this way
In time I may forgive you
But for now, stay away
Let me help her
That’s the best I can do
So good bye Dad
Thanks for showing me what not to be in a parent
Thanks for letting my brother walk me down the isle
Thanks for finally letting her get on with her life
Don’t worry about me
Don’t worry about the others
Don’t even worry about her
Keep on worrying about yourself
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I agree with Empress, I totally didn't see the Dad coming into this. I just thought it was another angsty teenaged poem about teenaged love, but the Dad part made my interest totally renewed. I think you did a good job of writing this poem, but I think it is obvious that you did not edit this piece before you posted. As emoticon already pointed out there were several punctuation errors, as well as several spelling errors. (isle should be aisle) Just from here on out, make sure that you edit your piece before you post. That way it doesn't distract us reviewers from the brilliant poetry underneath. I also agree with Empress, I think eliminating that one stanza would make your poem that much stronger. Good job!
Hello! This stanza can be eliminated. if you take it out, your poem is as thus:
Stanzas e and f are my favorites, especially since I didn't see the dad part coming, at all.
Stanza C is weirdly worded, especially the semi-accidental rhyming of away and way... just think about rewording it. It was also significantly shorter than the rest.
Also, you don't have any punctuation; which is actually putting a stopper in your creative assemblage of thoughts in this poem. A comma can help the reader consider what they just read in a slight pause, a period gives definition to what is otherwise a lengthy chain of words.
And those are my thoughts.
Keep on Rhyming (or not rhyming)
xxooxx
*****The Universe
wow that was a very amazing and heartfelt poem. Here are a few suggestions on the punctuation to make it flow better.
I wont go through the whole thing because i think you get the point (add commas and periods where needed)
Feel free to PM me with any questions about this review or poetry in general. I know im young (13) but i have a passion for poetry and im not that bad at it.