The Heart of Silver Gold: Chapter Two

by wickedlymuggle

Published June 25, 2015

In The Heart of Silver Gold

     First, I became invisible. Immediately when my feet crossed over the line, I felt a jerking sensation in my arm, like a strong hand was gripping onto me, and I just vanished. The force seemed to be pulling on me, making me run as fast as I possibly could. A loose tree branch whipped me in the face and I felt something warm and wet dripping down my face. I had my suspicions of what that could be. I tripped over my own feet and the force still continued to pull me deeper into the trees. I clawed wildly at the air, trying to unsuccessfully pry whatever was on me off.

    I stared at where my hands were supposed to be, clawing the air. There was nothing there. I looked down at where my legs were supposed to be frantically running. There was nothing there. I opened my mouth to scream when another strong hand-like force gripped my mouth. I started to panic. The light was zooming at top speed in front of me, and I glared at it, hating myself for falling for the stupid light. There was nothing more I wanted in the world than to be back home.

     Home. That word was so short, with so much meaning. I missed home. My home. I missed my bright blue walls of my room, that I hadn't bothered to paint since I was a baby. I missed the rocking chair that my dad always sat in, strumming on his guitar and softly singing to my mom and I. I missed blowing out the candles on my birthday cake, waiting for me at home. Most of all, I missed fettuccine alfredo.

     Just when I thought things could not get any worse, the ground dropped out from under me. I started falling, falling, trying to scream but to no avail. I couldn't see anything except for the light, moving through the tunnel in front of me. Eventually I gave up and excepted the fact that I would be falling forever. Just as I closed my eyes in surrender I slammed against the ground, pain cracking like a whip through my whole body. The forces on my arm and mouth released their death grip and I opened my eyes to find myself sprawled out on warm dewy grass. I scrambled to get up, which I discovered was a mistake right away. I crumpled under my own weight and managed to drag myself over to a rock for support.

     I slowly stood up as I wiped the blood off my face. I gulped deep breaths of fresh air now that the force was off me. It felt like I hadn't breathed in forever. I stopped mid breath as the air whispered across my skin, tickling my nose. The air tasted like cookies. Not just any cookies, mind you. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, the kind that ooze chocolate when you bite into them, the sugar melting in your mouth. I smiled up at the sky, memories of home filling my empty jar of happiness just a teeny bit. I took that time to look around at my new unfamiliar surroundings around me.

     I was definitely not in Portland anymore. I was standing on a hill overlooking a bustling town, full of shops and stands selling food and other goods. In the distance, there was a forest that seemed to stretch on for miles in one direction with a glittering castle just beyond it. I looked to my left and saw many quaint little cottages with smoke steadily puffing out of their chimneys. The sun was shining down my back, drying way sopping wet hair and clothes. Basically, I was in a scene from any fairytale ever written.

     I was so lost in the moment that I completely forgot why I was there. The light. So of course when I saw a blinding flash out of the corner of my eye, I screamed bloody murder. I whipped my head around to see sitting there rubbing his head about the cutest boy I have ever seen. He had warm chocolatey brown eyes and full pink lips. His wavy chestnut hair seemed to gleam in the sunlight and  ruffle in the breeze in just the right places. I stared at him, my mouth wide open like a bumbling idiot, so when I realized I was doing it, I quickly closed it in embarrassment. I looked down to realize to my absolute horror to find that I was wearing my brand new special edition Harry Potter t-shirt my best friend Elle had gotten me for my birthday. She is as much as a Harry Potter geek as I am, so I was thrilled when she gave it to me. At this moment in time though, it was not so great. I hastily zipped up my jacket to cover the big logo on it as the boy stood up.

     He was wearing a purple long sleeved shirt with a multicolored rose emblem stitched into the pocket. He wore black skinny jeans and combat boots, and he had a dagger in his belt, which did not make me feel warm and fuzzy to say the least. I shakily stood up, ignoring the pain in my leg and said in my best impression of a confident voice, "Who are you and what is this place?" I stared at the dagger the whole time I spoke, my voice quivering. He opened his mouth to respond, but I was not done. "How were you just a light? What were those forces that turned me invisible and not able to breathe? How do I get back home? Are you..." The boy cut me of mid-sentence, a smile across his face.

     "Whoa, Piper! Slow down. I promise I will answer your questions eventually but right now, we really need to go. Queen Evangeline is waiting." I stared at him shocked. Did he seriously think I would go with a guy I just met literally two minutes ago in a faraway fairytale land to visit queen whatshername? Was this guy even human? He started to turn around and walk towards the forest, but I was too quick for him, even with my bad leg.

     "Hey! I don't know if you have realized this, but you were just a light. A light! This needs some explanation. I am not going with you until you tell me what is going on." I hate to admit it, but I was very proud of myself right there. That pride only lasted for a little bit until he laughed and said,

     "You're a stubborn one huh? Well I don't know if you have realized this but I can easily force you to come with me." My face paled at the words. The forces. He could do it again.

     "Please!" I begged, " Don't drag me away again! I just want some answers, okay? Wouldn't you want the same thing if you were me?" His expression softened at those words. He looked out at the town below us with a pained expression on his face. I felt really sorry for the guy. He took a deep breath and said,

     "Yeah, Piper. I guess you're right. Okay, I will answer your questions but the full story I will leave to the queen. Deal?"

     "Deal." Smugly, I sat down on the rock behind me slowly, pain flowing through my body again with the strain. My cheeks flushed as he sat right next to me. 

     Piper, control yourself! I thought to myself. Since when have you become one of those girls? That's when it hit me. How did he know my name?

    

Comments & reviews · 4
PickledChrissy wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2015

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Yup, I'm finally here. I haven't been online that much recently. But, anyways, here I finally am!

Okay, I like this one a lot better than the first. Not saying that the first one was bad, since it wasn't. That one was great, this one is just greater. :D Here I go!

First, I became invisible. Immediately when my feet crossed over the line, I felt a jerking sensation in my arm, like a strong hand was gripping onto me, and I just vanished. The force seemed to be pulling on me, making me run as fast as I possibly could. My face was cut by the tree's sharp branches, and I felt the warm blood dripping down my face. I tripped over my own feet and the force still continued to pull me deeper into the trees. I clawed wildly at the air, trying to unsuccessfully pry whatever was on me off. That was when I noticed that I was invisible.


So she says she became invisible at beginning, but she doesn't notice until the end. Normally, you could get away with doing that, except you are writing in first person. In first person you are telling it as she sees it. In there, you tell it before she sees it. Just take the first sentence off the start.

I have a suggestion for you. Not really a nitpick, just a different way you could say things. It's called showing. You do a lot of telling. Not very much showing. Telling is what you do here...

My face was cut by the tree's sharp branches, and I felt the warm blood dripping down my face.


Showing is what you do here...

The air tasted like cookies. Not just any cookies, mind you. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, the kind that ooze chocolate when you bite into them, the sugar melting in your mouth.


It gives a picture, as well as letting you know what happens. So, above when you say "my face was cut", instead have her push aside the branch and it comes back . Something stings on her cheek, and trickles warmth down her chin. Not only does the showing give us a picture, but it also gives her personality.

full of strange shops with names I had never heard of before


You can't see the names from that far away.

Piper, control yourself! I thought to myself. Since when have you become one of those girls? That's when it hit me. How did he know my name?


Perfect ending. Leaves us hanging, after introducing what promises to be a very interesting character. Also let's us know that she is under the correct impression that she is acting stupid. And leaves us wondering how he knew her name.

Keepp writing! Don't forget to let me know when the next chapter goes out! :D

Thanks agian! I was wondering about some of those things. I really appreciate it. The next chapter is hopefully coming out soon! :)

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OliveDreams
Review
OliveDreams wrote a review Review · Jun 28, 2015

Hello again, MuscialTheaterGirl17. I’m back!

That short, sharp sentence at the start of this chapter is perfection. That is exactly what I meant by creating more tension and excitement. Throw a few more in and you’ll be golden!

And you have thrown in loads more! This is great and a lot more fun to read.

Most of all, I missed fettuccine alfredo.


I love this line. It adds a touch of humour into some tension which is a clever thing to do.

I feel that meeting the boy and deciding that he is someone that she can trust all happens a little fast. Maybe she could have done a little exploring of her own first so we could have seen this new world with our own eyes?

I loved the ending. How does he know her name?! Has he been following her around as a light for a while!? It opens many questions for your readers to ask and that is always want you want.

Overall, I adored your use of short sentences. It made your style of writing much more exciting and refined to read. Keep going with that. Check that you’re not rushing your plot lines. Ease yourself and us into this new world.

Good Luck! Feel free to ask me any questions, anytime.

Olive <3

Thanks again!!! I am really happy right now thanks to you! I am so glad you liked it! :)

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Lael
Review
Lael wrote a review Review · Jun 25, 2015

Nice! :)

"I clawed wildly at the air, trying to unsuccessfully pry whatever was in me off." Do you mean "pry whatever was *on* me off"?

And in the second paragraph, "hand like force", I think that you should put a dash between "hand" and "like". (hand-like) But it's a preference thing, I think.

For this, "The light. So of course when I saw a blinding flash of light out of the corner of my eye", you repeated "light" in two consecutive sentences, which is repetitive. You should omit the "of light" in the second sentence.

"The boy cut me of in mid sentence, a smile across his face." I don't think you need the "in" before "mid-sentence" (which needs a dash, by the way), and maybe you should say "a smile spread across his face," because "a smile across his face" is a little strange if you think about it.

Also you forgot to capitalize the first letter of "deal?" in the second to last paragraph.

Okay, the last corrections I have are punctuation things.
1. "I stared at the dagger the whole time I spoke*,* my voice quivering."
2. "Whoa*,* Piper!"
3. "Yeah*,* Piper."

But I liked this one even better than the first chapter. :) Keep it up! :D

Thanks! I will fix those things!

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Waddlers
Review
Waddlers wrote a review Review · Jun 25, 2015

WHOOP!!!! The second chapter/part/episode is always better than the first, and this story was no exception!!! :D

1 - I love how much insight this gave me - even though I have no idea where she is!XD.

2 - I love the description!!! You never put too much or too little, and this helps with the nice flow that it has. Although when she was leaning on the rock you might want to add that she stood up! XD Just a little something to add and that would make the flow top notch, for me!

3 - The character of your...character. It's great! You never told us she was geeky, you never told us she was goofy, and yet we still get those images in our minds about them!!! FANTASTIC!!!

4 - Even though we don't know the name or anything about "the boy" besides his appearance, I felt ALREADY that they contrasted each other perfectly. "The boy" still has development yet to come, but what can you expect from a single chapter? :D

5 - So her name's Piper? Coooooool...and at the end when she realized he'd known her the whole time was quite humorous. Also when she realized how stupid she was to just leave and chase a light. Yep. It was pretty stupid. XD No normal person would do it, buuuuuuuuuuut...how else would the story be made? XD

6 - PREPARE TO GET SPELLCHECKED BY AN AWARDED NIT-PICKER!

"down do my back"
"so I as thrilled when she gave it to me"
"How where you just a light" - should be "How were you just a light?"
"Where those forces that turned me invisible and not able to breathe? - Erm...rephrase??? XD
"He stared to turn around" - "started"
"I was to quick for him" - needs to be "too"
"lasted for a little bit until laughed and said" - Need a "he" (I think XD)
"answers okay?" - needs to be a comma

These really are just nit-pickings. So don't be put off or think that it's bad...Coz, I'll tell you now, it really isn't!!! And don't believe anyone who tells you that it is! (Listen to constructive feedback, though! XD)

I am so glad you like it! I just edited everything. Thanks for catching those mistakes! :)



It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain