I slowly backed away from the boy along the rock, panting heavily as the panic started seeping through my veins. I wanted as much distance between us as possible. The boy had a concerned look on his face. "What's wrong?" he said as I stared him. I tried to respond but no words came out of my mouth. Is this guy a stalker? I thought. Has he been following me around? A particularly disturbing thought crossed through my head but I shook it out quickly. The boy was still staring at me. I just wanted to disappear into the rock to never be seen again. Why haven't invisibility cloaks been invented yet? I thought. Get on it science!
Realization soon dawned over the boy's face. He started to laugh hysterically. "You don't actually think," he said between gasps, "that I am a stalker?" Now that made me really mad. I whipped my head around, an attempt at a menacing glare on my face.
"What's your excuse then?" I said, staring daggers into his eyes, "How do you know my name?" His laughter subsided as a more serious expression came over his face.
"I said I would answer your questions. Some though are not my place to answer." I took a deep breath and tried to find a smart retort, but the boy was too fast for me. "I will tell you the basics. First of all, my name is Finn. Finn Jackson. This place is the Kindo sector. Why you are here I will leave to the Queen to answer, but what I can tell you is this. This place," He gestured to the vast land around us, "is a safe haven for people like us. What I mean by us, I will explain later." he took a deep breath as though it was a burden to tell. Like he had done it many times before. A rehearsed speech. "The forces as you called them that pulled you here, were not just forces." He turned to his right and called out, "You can come out now!" and he sat and waited.
For an extremely awkward ten seconds, we waited for whatever he was talking about to come out. It was completely silent except for the faint sound of tinkling bells in the distance. This gave me time to think about what Finn was saying. There was obviously a reason I was there. It is not everyday a miniature boy swoops over to your window and leads you to the woods. If I am here, I pondered, what does that say? I riffled through my files of fantasy knowledge that I have accumulated over the years in my head. My thoughts where jumbled and I could barely make anything out. Finally I managed to pull a sliver of information from the depths of my brain that made sense. In every book I have read when the main character is taken to a strange magical land, they end up fitting in. They have a reason for being there. I gasped as I realized what took me long enough to figure out. What if I have powers? What if I can fly?
Once again I opened my mouth to ask but right when I did I stopped myself and panned my eyes around my new surroundings, an ominous felling of being watched creeping into my heart. Right then there was a sound like a gun shot and I screamed and almost lost my balance. I stared in awe as out of thin air two girls appeared and stood before me.
They looked identical. Same piercing aquamarine eyes. Same long golden locks, trailing all the way down their back. Same soft faces with defined rose cheeks, and pale pink dresses flowing softly around their ankles. They had the same brilliant white smile, which they used, looking in Finn's direction as they walked in sync towards us. I slowly started to scoot away mind blown on how they got there.
"Hi Finn.," they said in the same cooing voices. It made me want to vomit, and at the same time there was a strange feeling that came over me. Jealousy. I squinted my eyes in suspicion, not knowing what to think of these girls. Finn rolled his eyes at me and his eyes floated over to the twins. For some reason that made me extremely happy.
"Piper, this is Olive and Astrisd. Olive, Astrid. Piper" Finn stood up and formally gestured to me. The girls flashed out of their Finn induced trance and stared at me like they just realized that I was just there, which was probably the truth.
"Hi." I waved awkwardly. Their eyes shifted over to me, and I could swear that I saw them glare at me. It only lasted for a second, but the message came through pretty clear. This is our territory. Back off. I faltered, wondering what I did wrong. Finn stood there rubbing his hair, the silence deafening. He broke it as he said,
"Piper, this is who pulled you through the forest. Olive, Astrid, show her." I stared as the girl called Olive became invisible. As she grabbed her twins arm, she disappeared with her. I slowly stood up my knees shaking, my hand firmly supported against the rock. Finn stared at me as they reappeared, waiting for a response.
"Well, did that answer your questions?" I looked down at the ground once again and muttered,
"That didn't answer everything completely but it is fine for now." Finn's shoulders relaxed but tensed up again as I said, "I just have one more question."
Finn groaned as I winced.
"I get that a lot."
You could barely see it, but I detected a hint of a smile on his face. I grinned as well, until I felt the twins penetrating stares on my back.
"Can I do this too?" I asked cautiously. Finn's smile widened.
"That's what we are going to find out."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I'm finally here, late as usual, but here all the same.
If possible, this is better than part two. Well, I'll run through, finding what I can.
I like the comment about science and invisibility cloaks. Threw in a little humor in a otherwise tense situation. And people do react like that. The weirder the incident, the stranger the thoughts that flash through your head.
You misspelled. It isn't spelled hestarically, it is spelled hysterically.
She spends too much time reading. Don't you think?
No "g" between "e" and "i".
THOSE types. Bleh. :&
Okay, a little advice. Don't have her fall for him right off the bat. Stretch it out. And she's being too calm for just being dragged from her home. There needs to be a little screaming, yelling, tearing his head off.
I'm sorry that I didn't have more to say, but I'm a little pressed for time. And there wasn't much for me to find in the first place. Can't wait to review the next bit. Looking forward to the read.
KEEP WRITING!
Thanks! I will commence editing.
Hi! there MusicalTheaterGirl17
I know, it's days delayed but
I, actually, find this story cute & humorous. Practically, the 2nd paragraph started the fun feel. I was actually smiling when I read it.
Hence, there are a bit typos & misspelled words such as:
disapear into disappear
laugh hestarically histerically
Also,
^use a comma after the dialogue to separate it from the tag line. Then, put a comma after 'said'.
Just a little more editing to work on, but this was a fun read.
Keep writing,
>Cha
Thanks so much! I am not very good with grammar! :/ Just do you know, my first two chapters are up if you want to check them out! Thanks again!
Hey again!!! I'm gunna be reviewing and reading ALL of this story, so I think you'd better get used to me!! XD
Maybe: "boy was to fast for me" could use the extra "o"

1) "What if I can fly?" - I hope this was supposed to make me laugh!!! XD I hope so, as it portrays just the right amount of dumbness for the character to seem more optimistic than stupid (and I have a soft spot for that type of thing!!! XD)
2) ""Hi." I waved akwardly. Their eyes shifted over to me, and I could swear that I saw them glare at me. It only lasted for a second, but the message came through pretty clear. This is our territory. Back off. I faltered, wondering what I did wrong. Finn stood there rubbing his hair, the slience defeaning. He broke it as he said," - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THIS PARAGRAPH IS PERFECTION!!!! (Apart from "slience defeaning" but it's just a silly mistake - we all make them XD) "I faltered, wondering what I did wrong" things like this make the audience relate SO MUCH to Piper! And that's really good!!! Also, it's reassuring knowing that others have these things happen to them - even if they're the main character of a super cool story - and that they aren't the only ones who feel that way. People do this to me all the time - I've moved schools a lot - and it makes me like Piper even more than I did before.
3) One thing...I felt maybe the twins' (Olive and Astrid) entrance seemed a bit quick. This happens to me all the time - I feel like I've written enough for others to know what's going on and yet it's shorter than the average sentence. Maybe add something to suggest Finn ( LOVE the name - I'm an A.T fan!!! ;D) seemed to sense something? Or maybe Piper sensed something!!! XD Maybe there was some kind of humanly force or she felt judged or watched. I dunno. :/ XD
4) Also, fewer spelling and punctuation mistakes!!!
"Finn stared at me as the reappeared, waiting for a response." - could use a "y"
"Can I do this to?" - another "o".
5) OOOOH!! THEY were who pulled her through the forest!! Interesting!!! It gets boring - the make always being able to sweep the female off her feet and through everything effortlessly. Also it makes me jealous XD I don't know a boy that age who could actually do that!! XD but those gurls seem magical so...who knows!?!?!?
- Again, very good!!! VERY VERY VERY GOOD!!!! And I cannot wait for the next chapter!!!
Thanks so much! I understand evrything you said. See you for the next chapter! (By the way, when is your next chapter coming out?)
I posted it just yesterday!!!