Thanks to my lovely friend @Waddlers for drawing this beautiful picture of Piper for me!!! I still can't thank you enough!
Not again! I thought as my feet disappeared. This was starting to get repetitive. Finn jumped into the air and became a flying "light" again and zoomed toward the hill. The twins were back to using their wrestler-like grip on me, giggling all the way up the hill.
"Hey, can you guys cut that out?" I said, trying to pry their fingers off my arms. I only got giggles in response.
"Great, that's just GREATTTTT!" Suddenly we were in the air. Barley avoiding the tree-tops, the leaves whispering against my feet. Did I mention that I have a huge, gigantic fear of heights? My gasps of panic were drowned out by the wind whistling through my ears. Eventually, I passed out from the shock and found myself slipping into the cool darkness of fear.
Before I could start to relax in my dreamless unconsciousness, I was startled awake by Finn shaking me.
"Piper. Piper. PIPER!"
"AHH! I screamed, jolting up from the hard ground they lay me down on. Olive and Astrid simultaneously rolled their eyes.
"About time she woke up." Astrid said.
"Yeah, took you long enough." Olive chimed in.
"Wait, how long was I out?" I asked, scared for the answer.
"Five hours." Finn said casually.
"Five hours! I could have been dead! Probably..." Finn chuckled in a way that made me feel stupid for some reason.
"Time is not the same here. Five hours in your time is like five minutes in our time." I started panicking.
"First of all, you never specified where 'here' is yet, and second, I have been gone for super long already. How long do my parents think I have been gone?"
"Don't worry, you're fine. I stopped human time when we left."
Of course. I thought to myself. You have stunning good looks, can fly, and can magically stop time. It must be SO HARD for you. I just got kidnapped, had a broken leg, and am having the worst birthday ever in the history of birthdays. Woop de doo for me then!
I proceded to glare at Finn, drilling my eyes into his. To my pride he looked slightly uncomfortable. Success. I grinned at him in a cocky way, and it was his turn to glare at me. I looked away hoping that he would eventually stop. Eventually, he looked away from me and stared at the building we were in front of. I stood up cautiously and touched the buildings surface. It was a castle, one half of it silver, the other half gold. My hand was slowly drawn to the place were the two metals met, and a surge of power went through me. It felt a strong urge to put my whole hand on the gold side of the castle, but something stopped me. Whatever it was was strong, and felt like Olive and Astrid's grip as it pulled my hand away from the castle.
My head slowly turned up. Up, up, up it went. The castle was taller then the trees, almost scraping the base of the clouds.
"So, what do you think?" Finn asked, whispering, as if the castle would crumble to the ground if he spoke. As much as I hated to admit it, I thought the castle was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Besides the Hogwarts castle, of course. I didn't say so though, as to not give him the pride of getting his optimal answer. Instead I just continued to stare at it until something caught my eye.
Inside the silver part of the castle, millions of flickering rainbow colored lights appeared behind the almost clear walls. I opened my mouth to say something to Finn, but he was already way ahead of me.
"I am guessing you are thinking 'What are the lights in there?"
"Wait, how did you-"
"Don't worry, you will find out soon enough."
"How soon?'
"Let's try now."
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140,767 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
HEYA BUDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
"Thanks to my lovely friend @Waddlers for drawing this beautiful picture of Piper for me!!! I still can't thank you enough!" This is going to be a very flattering review
First of all, the character floods from these words! It all fits into Piper's character and ridiculous perspective, and the few direct interactions with the reader that are scattered around your chapters show the complete disbelief and eccentric-ness of how she feels. It almost makes the reader feel like, if we/they were speaking to Piper, she'd be slightly insane!!! XD
NOW, "Eventually, I passed out from the shock and found myself slipping into the cool darkness of fear." Heeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrm...It makes me giggle as I can sympathize with not wanting to bother writing in a descriptive, in-depth way, but OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF MY HEART (and the cola i have been drinking) I am going to give you a few things (to attempt to help)!
"The overwhelming fear began to cloud my mind. I blinked desperately, trying to clear my vision, but every bat of the eye felt like it was covered in tar; only worsening my sight. Unintentionally, my body shriveled and I found myself slipping into the cool darkness of fear." Something such as that! I DO like the "I found myself slipping into the cool darkness of fear." It just sounds right; very good!!!
I think when she wakes up, there should be some scene setting as she would probably look around and take in things before properly engaging in anything. XD
"Don't worry, you're fine. I stopped human time when we left." ...WHAT ARE THESE BEINGS AND HOW ON EARTH CAN THEY DO THESE CRAZY THINGS!?!?!
Her thoughts have perfect detail! They are clear and have perfect depth, only I'm wondering, do you have trouble with knowing where to put detail? Like after dialogue? If so, I would love to help, but it's also cool if you were intentionally creating a quick-flowing scene.
"It was a castle, one half of it silver, the other half gold." The title suddenly makes perfect sense. That paragraph gave perfect detail for the interactions, but the scene setting would've helped with the sudden building touching.
""So, what do you think?" Finn asked, whispering, as if the castle would crumble to the ground if he spoke. As much as I hated to admit it, I thought the castle was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Besides the Hogwarts castle, of course. I didn't say so though, as to not give him the pride of getting his optimal answer. Instead I just continued to stare at it until something caught my eye. " THIS, in my opinion, is just right! The silly thoughts weren't dragged out, it was description beside dialogue and it ended nicely.
CLIFF HANGERS, GOSHDARNIT! You're killing me. I'm also very curious of the lights!
SUMMARY
Overall, the character in this chapter is plenty and done well. Even for Olive and Astrid, who had minimum roles. When it comes to overly descriptive language, you never cross the line, but around (some) dialogue and scene setting, you fall short here and there in this chapter. The cliff hanger works well and the chapter length is great. I would also say, for the story as a whole, this is the most revealing chapter SO FAR, but I am expecting a little world building and/or story developement in the next chapter. I WILL DEFINITELY BE BACK FOR IT, WICKEDLYMUGGLE!
PS. That's a stunning picture at the top there!!! :O)
I love your descriptions!!! Thanks for the feedback! (as always)
There is definitely some potential in this story, but I've found a lot of grammar and spelling errors. Also, I suggest working on the dialogue, which feels a bit stilted.
-"Finn jumped into the air and became a flying "light" again and zoomed toward the hill."- this sentence is a run-on. I suggest breaking it into two.
-"Barley avoiding the tree-tops, the leaves whispering against my feet."- "Barley" should be "barely", treetops is one word with no hyphen, and this sentence is incomplete. Simply changing "whispering" to "whispered" should fix that. But the sentence still feels a bit awkward. Maybe "We barely avoided the treetops, and the leaves whispered against my feet." But that's simply a stylistic choice for you to make.
-"Did I mention that I have a huge, gigantic fear of heights?"- the use of both "huge" and "gigantic" clutters up the sentence. I suggest pick one, or finding another word that conveys even greater amounts of fear.
-""AHH! I screamed, jolting up from the hard ground they lay me down on."- You forgot a quotation mark after AH!. "They lay me down on" should be "they had laid me down on".
- "Wait, how long was I out?" I asked, scared for the answer."- change "scared for the answer" to "scared to hear the answer". It makes more sense and is more grammatically correct.
- "Five hours." Finn said casually."- You're telling me that Finn is being casual, but try to show me instead.
-"To my pride he looked slightly uncomfortable."- saying "to my pride" makes no sense.
-"I grinned at him in a cocky way"- try "cockily" instead of "cocky way"
-"Eventually, he looked away from me and stared at the building we were in front of."- This just pops out of no where! Try indicating they are in front of a building before this.
-" -It felt a strong urge to put my whole hand on the gold side of the castle, but something stopped me. Whatever it was was strong, and felt like Olive and Astrid's grip as it pulled my hand away from the castle."- This is confusing. Are Olive and Astrid pulling her away? What is happening here?
-"as to not give him the pride of getting his optimal answer."- This piece makes no sense. The use of the word "optimal" is not correct, and is confusing. Same with the beginning of the sentence. Please clear it up.
Well, those are my suggestions. Keep working!
Thank you!! I appreciate your advice. I will definitely keep working!! Thanks!