You know that feeling of disappointment you get when you discover that no letter from Hogwarts is coming? That's how I feel today, except today is my sixteenth birthday.
My name is Piper Eloise Hart and it is November 11th, the day I was born. I am always so excited for this day to come.
Every year, I wake up nice and early and open my curtains to find that it is a beautiful, sunny day outside, which is rare for Portland, Oregon where I live. It seems like the sun is there just for me. I run down my stairs to see my mom and dad smiling at me, the smell of freshly baked cinnamon buns in the air, my favorite birthday treat. This year was supposed to be special, but so far, it has been special in all the wrong ways.
This year when I opened my windows I was welcomed with a dark, overcast sky. When I ran downstairs to see my parents, there were no smiling faces to greet me. It was like the whole world has forgotten that I existed. Now the day was almost over and I was staring out my bedroom window watching as a little old lady hobbled across the street, getting soaked in the process. I sighed as the clouds cast a dark shadow over my already dark purple bedsheets. Trying to distract myself I went to my desk and attempted to do homework but some unseeable force inside my head wouldn't allow me to process anything. Eventually I resorted to what always seems to cheer me up on a rainy day, my full length Harry Potter poster on my wall.
On the poster, Harry and Ron where flying to school in the Mr. Weasly's muggle car that he had enchanted. You could see the womping willow and the Hogwarts castle in the distance. This has always been one of my all time favorite parts. Yes, I know this is weird, but I am a huge Harry Potter freak. I have been to every fan club meeting for Harry Potter ever. I admit, I am obsessed.
"Harry," I sighed," today is just not my day. I wish I was at Hogwarts with you."
I heard the garage door creak open and the sound of a car door slamming outside. My parents were finally home! I heard them clomping up the stairs and my door slowly opened. I peeled away from Harry as Mom walked in. All of my friends say I look exactly like my mom, and it is true. We both have the same emerald green eyes and round heart shape face. We both have freckles all over our small nose and long brown hair. She smiled as she stepped into the room.
"Happy birthday honey!" She wrapped me in a suffocating hug. "I am so sorry we weren't here this morning. Work was really busy and your Dad and I were swamped." That moment my dad walked in.
"Whoa there Colleen, you look like you're choking her!" He smiled as Mom let go. My parents own a small shop in town and business was booming.
Mom playfully hit Dad on the head. They were still in there matching green work uniforms and I couldn't help but think how cute they looked together. My Dad has a short scruffy beard and twinkling brown eyes. He could make anyone happy by just smiling his big toothy grin. My mom smiled as she said,
"Dan can you go get some water boiling? We are making fettuccine tonight in honor of our sweet little girl turning sixteen!" I giggled. Mom and I always joked about how I am her little girl.
"I'm not little anymore Mom." Mom and Dad started walking out of the door.
"Okay big girl. Get some homework done before dinner, okay?" With that, they closed the door.
I was walking towards my desk when I saw something in the corner of my eye. Through the window there was a light, no bigger than a speck of dust moving towards me, getting bigger and bigger as it came closer. I don't know what it was about the light, but I couldn't look away. I walked toward my windowsill and knelt down beside it. An urge to touch the light overwhelmed me as it got closer. I pressed my fingertips against the cold rain soaked glass, afraid that I would scare the light away. To my disbelief the light came closer and closer until it stopped right in front of me. I gasped as the light started to write:
Follow Me.
I did a double take but the words were still there. At first, I just wanted to run downstairs and forget that this ever happened. Overall though, curiosity took over. The light seemed to be pointing across the street into the woods. I ran to my door and flew downstairs. I wanted to get outside before the light was gone. Now looking back on it, I don't know why I decided to follow the light. Actually, it was a really stupid thing to do. I got on my heavy brown coat and blue rain boots and had my hand on the door handle when my Dad protested,"Pipes, where are you going? Food is almost ready." He was sitting at the dinner table with a concerned look on his face." Is everything alright?" I started to hesitate. I am not a very good liar.
"Umm, I left my notebook at the library and it is really important. I have a test tomorrow to and..." Dad cut me off with a smile on his face.
"Say no more. The birthday girl needs her notebook, she shall get her notebook." He put a goofy grin on his face and I couldn't help but smile. "May I be your escort?" He bowed and held out his hand. Honestly for a second, I wanted to stay with Dad, but once again, curiosity took over.
"Sorry sir," I said in my best British accent," I will be going alone." Dad bowed as I stepped out into the cold rain.
To my relief, the light was still there. Immediately as I stepped out of the house the light zoomed over into the forest. I had to sprint to keep up with it. My long, brown hair was whipping my cheeks, and along with the pelting rain, my face stung. Soon the light darted into the mouth of the forest. I came to a halt, soaking wet in the threshold. No one ever went into the woods, unless you were totally crazy. There was a legend that creatures and beings beyond imagination inhabited the woods, but of course no one believed that. What could go wrong? I thought. Today is my birthday. I can do what I want. What could go wrong? Lots of things I would soon realize. I took a deep breath and slowly walked over the line of trees. I wish I knew that once I stepped in, I could not go back.
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139,066 Literary Works • 672,403 Reviews
Hello, Its me!
First of all, love the first sentence it's relatable, funny and grabs the readers attention.
A few small things that could be fixed are is in the first line there is an extra space between from and Hogwarts. Also in line when you say "Which is rare for Portland, Oregon where I live"
I think you should delete "where I live" since it is implied.
In my opinion this is an amazing first chapter and introduction into the story. I really like the main character so much even though I don't have much to base it on since it is only the beginning. Though from what I can tell she has a ton of potential to be the great character I know you will make her out to be.
I didn't' see many grammar mistakes so I suggest you just read over it just to make sure. I saw no major mistakes
Overall, This was a great introduction to your novel. I can't wait to read and review the next couple of chapters. Your a great writer I hope you please continue to write because you are amazing at it.
Goodbye, have a nice day!
-EmilyStarks
Thank you so much!! You made my day!
"What could go wrong?" Biggest understatement of the twenty-first century. Oh, the cliff hangers. Moving on, the way you wrote this was constantly leaving me in curiosity (not in a bad way) I was wondering "What will happen next?" and "What will she do after that?" Which is good as a reader should have a balance of predictability and surprise which you gave pretty much perfectly so far. Again there are grammatical and punctuation errors, but they have already been pointed out. Though if this turns into a story where she goes into the Harry Potter world I'm going to be so confused as I've only just watch the first one for the first time earlier this year, see ya later internet buddy!
Thanks so much for reviewing! I am glad you liked it!! Bye internet buddy!
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Happy review day, and may the odds be ever in your favor. Yeah, yeah, I know. Wrong movie.
Okay, this is a first. I've never seen something quite like this. I'm going to run through it and point out some of the more obvious mistakes. Then I'll go into the deeper ones that are a little harder to pick up. From looking at it, I don't think there will be much of either.
This paragraph is a little on the thick side. Usually that is okay, if it is all one thought, but this one isn't. It's two, or maybe even three. It goes from her being disappointed, to her saying who she is, to describing her birthday.
See what I mean?
Did you know that if you look at a picture taken from space of North America, you can usually see where Oregon is by the mass of clouds hanging over it?
Maybe it should be Hogwarts instead of Harry Potter? I mean, she wants to go there so bad. And describe the poster a bit more. Is Ron in it? Is Harry holding his wand? And so on.
I think you accidentally pinned a extra word on the end of that. Just take it off.
Okay, that is all of the big, in your face, stuff. One little thing. Isn't she a bit old to be dreaming about going to Hogwarts? Most girls around the age sixteen don't dream about it, or rather, don't believe the dream. Maybe just make her a couple years younger?
Well, that does it. Nothing more, big or small, to say. I'll be reviewing the next bit, and hopefully whatever else you post after that. Please tag me or shoot me a PM when you get the next part out.
KEEP WRITING!
Thanks so much! I appreciate the imput. I know I am just a beginner, so this really helped. By the way, I have posted the second chapter so you can check it out! I am so happy you liked it!
You welcome!
I have the second chapter open and siting there. Just waiting for me to get to it. Don't worry, I will.
Thanks!
Hello MuscialTheaterGirl17. I was trawling through the fantasy section and came across your chapters! I will review them for this fine review day.
I adore your first sentence! It actually made me laugh aloud. Yes, that certain kind of disappointment is terrible.
You don’t need to second mention of her birthday in the first paragraph. It sounds too repetitive. The first mention of it being her sixteenth birthday is just fine on it’s own.
I feel like you could throw a few shorter sentences into your first paragraph just to spice things up a little. The ones you’ve got so far are all pretty long with lots of commas.
I like how you fit the description of two of your characters into one! And I think it’s nice that she looks like her Mum.
I liked that her first instinct was to run away. I love how many people who think they would love to have some of their own magic in their life, would actually be terrified if it actually did happen to them one day! It makes your narrative a lot more believable.
How would she get into the school at night? Surely, her Dad would have asked a few more questions? Maybe she could have left her notebook in the car instead? Or at her friends house? Up to you though, of course.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I think you need to brush up on your plotlines to make them solidly believable (i.e the notebook) but I think you’re description and overall idea is great!
On to chapter 2!
Olive <3
Thanks for the input! I am so glad you liked it!
Wow!!! First story on here I've been sucked into enough to read!!!!
Just something little I though I'd nit-pick at. XD
1 - I could find NO spelling, punctuation or grammar errors!!!!
2 - "cinnamon buns"...This is freaky...How...I...I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!! STRANGEST COINCIDENT EVER!!!! Can't say at the mo! You'll just have to wait till later.
3 - I loved that initial disappointment and then for everything to be OK. Not sure if this is irrelevant to the story yet - I'll have to read more - but I hope it has something to do with everything - it would be cool and make the story seem even more subtle and smart than it seems to be - but if not, you can't criticize things for what they don't include! So it's still great!
4 - LOVE that she's a fangirl! She reminds me of my friend Brooke, and so often these girls are so obsessed with something that you can make a crazy cool story about being your own individual! AND THIS IS A VERY GOOD LESSON TO LEARN.
This is great. I love the vibe, and it makes me want to read more!!! 10/10!!!
Thanks so much! I am glad you liked it! I will be posting the second chapter soon!
I just edited it a little bit if you want to check it out.
Coooooooooool! Can't wait! Was it the ending you edited? The cliffhanger is very well done!!!
No, I edited the parents description. I barely had any so I put some in.
Oh, OK. Cool, still!!
I hope this dialogue format is okay. I am not very good at it.
To every one who has reviewed, I will fix the dialogue problems as soon as I can.
Good day. It's just me, the Chirave Canicthus, here to review your work today, though I was a bit late to the GR party. XD
So, you didn't really request anything specific, so I'm going to review what I normally do.
First off, you've got some MAJOR problems with your dialogue puncuation. This isn't your typical comma usage either, though there is some of that. When you write dialogue, you happen to do it like" This." One is not supposed to do that. I tripped up so much, trying to figure out what you were writing was actually dialogue. You should simply write it like, "This." And the entire world will spin far more smoothly. XD
There are some parts in here, that are definitely redundant-feeling. For example, in the last paragraph, you say, "What could go wrong" twice. I'm sure you're trying to emphasize it in some poorly-veiled foreshadowing, but it really isn't needed. This is a fictional story, of course something's going to happen to that Main Character.
On a positive note, Birthday cockiness. I've got four younger siblings, so I know exactly how this goes. (Not fun.)
Well, besides that, I think there's not much more I can help with. It was nice reviewing this, and I quite like your MC's father. He's kind of like mine, actually. XD
Keep writing!
The Chiravian flies away.
Thanks! I am really new at this, so the feedback helps.
Nice beginning! This seems interesting.
"Every year, I wake up nice and early and open my curtains to find that it is a beautiful sunny day outside, which is rare for Portland Oregon where I live." The corrections for this sentence should be "beautiful, sunny day" and "Portland, Oregon, where".
"I run down my stairs to see my mom and dad smiling at me; the smell of freshly baked cinnamon buns in the air, my favorite birthday treat." I think that the semi colon should actually be a comma.
"This year was supposed to be special, but so far, It has been special in all the wrong ways." Is "it" supposed to be capitalized?
For "as a little old lady hobbled across the street getting soaked in the process" there should be a comma after "street."
"I wish I was at Howarts with you" is supposed to be "Hogwarts" right?
"but some unseeable force inside my head allowed me not to be able to process anything." could be worded like "wouldn't allow me to be able to process anything."
"My parents where finally home!" The "where" should be a "were."
"She wrapped me in a suffocating hug," should end in a period, and don't forget to put a space between it and the next sentence.
"Whoa there Colleen, you look like your choking her!" This sentence needs to have this "you're" instead of the other.
"Get some homework done before dinner okay." should have a question mark. Also a comma might be good after "dinner."
"I walked toward my windowsill and kneeled down beside it." "Kneeled" should be "knelt."
"when my Dad protested." Pipes, where are you going? Food is almost ready." The period after "protested" should be a comma, and the quotation mark is in the wrong place.
"He bowed and held out his hand, Honestly for a second," There should be a period after "hand."
"" I will be going alone," Dad bowed" should have a period after "alone."
"My long, brown hair was whipping my face, and along with the pelting rain, my face stung." I think putting "face" twice in a sentence is a little repetitive.
Sorry if this seems harsh to you. Despite these things, I really liked this beginning. I am looking forward to seeing what will happen next!
Thanks for the review! And it is not to harsh. I want constructive feedback and that's what you gave me. It is my first work after all. I will make those changes!
Also, I am glad you are into it! I edited the changes you said. Thanks for pointing them out!
*salutes*
Here for a review! I will first enumerate on the nitpicks:
Hearing greet twice was a bit off, try changing this.
Work ways?
NO! No, it's not weird at all!
--Another I would like to suggest is to fix the formatting of the dialogue. It's a bit hard to read when they're all congested in one paragraph so, break it down.
And now the story... It was a good start, really. Now you got your readers wanting to find out where that light came from or who sent it. I like how bubbly this narrator is, how much like a typical teen she is. Good job conjuring this character's sketch! If you ask me, she doesn't sound much like fifteen goin' on sixteen by the way some parts were worded. Nice pacing and few punctuation errors there. Keep going strong!
Hope this was of help! Good luck with your writing!
-Waltzing
Thank you so much! I appreciate the feedback.I will fix those errors.