Young Writers Society

Hey! Just hear to leave a quick review. First, I would like to say that you get brownie points for using a picture of Ian Lol. Now let me get to the serious topic of your poem. I enjoyed your poem and it made me linger for more. I was not ready for the poem to end in all honesty. I felt the emotion from the poem. I felt the sexual tension from the poem and the imagery enhanced it. The quotes to start off the poem was clever and a nice touch. It really keeps the reader clung to your poem from the beginning. The flow of the poem was also fantastic. I actually have no critiques. I adored this poem. You did a fantastic job!

Hey, vluvswriting! Scythe here for a quick review

I loved the deep and sensual tone of this poem, it was so husky and shown the masculinity of the male. You portrayed their (almost scandalous) relationship really well,

You don’t like it slow, so let me take it rough.

“That’s it”, you said, “that’s all and that’s enough”,

Hey there!

As I said it was deep and sensual. The most beautiful thing about the poem is that, it was decent concerning the matter. And the feelings of the person you captured was such a bliss. The fact that even in the pain she falls for that "smirk" I think you should write a lot.

You better start writing!

Cheers~

-fangirls-
Ok, you can have the best review EVA just for using a picture of Ian Somerhalder. < 333

-clears throat-
Now for the writing....

“That’s it”, you said, “that’s all and that’s enough”, - very dramatic, but a little unclear.

You don’t like it slow, so let me take it rough” - O.O Right, is this what I think it is?

Your eyes didn’t leave mine; that glare I still dread, - I think it might be, still not sure.

Pulling me impossibly close, with me, your way you had. - Sex? Is that was this work is about, because at this point it's still not really clear.

Seeing your eyes puffed and rim red, I internally groaned, - good attention to detail, but...

Yet another of those days you were drunk, high and stoned. - Oh. Not what I was expecting.

Pain shot up when your fingers dug deep in my arm, - This seems a little bit violent.

Still insanely credulous, I let you work your charm. - OK. Sex? Yes. Yes.

A smirk played along your alluring lips, a devilish smirk. - I like this line, it's very descriptive, and with that picture of Ian Somerhalder in my head, I am in heaven. < 3

That damn smirk hypnotized me; oh I was such a berk. - bit of a cop out ending, me thinks. Just because smirk and berk rhyme, it ruins the seriousness, drama and flow of the piece a little. :/

Umm... so this work is very dark and quite erotic. But also very confusing. I don't really understand what's going on here most of the time. You've rated this work as 16+ so I am guessing my suspicions are correct.
Good grammar, spelling, punctuation etc.
But the content, although the concept is good, needs a LOT more organisation. Lil problems I think that could be sorted out easily enough with a bit of editing.

Well done.

Keep writing.

~BSF

Very good! The subject matter is new that I haven't really heard before, but obviously true to life and lots of people can relate.

I love that the poem itself is consistent, not only with the subject and the rhythm, but even down to the way that each line is almost broken up into two. This let's it flow so that the readers can focus more on what the poem is telling them and less on how to understand it.

“That’s it”, you said, “that’s all and that’s enough”,

You don’t like it slow, so let me take it rough”

Definitely my favorite lines. The "take" in "so let me take it rough” seems to be out of place, like it should be make, but in all honesty the take works. Just not sure if you did it on purpose or not?

In all, I enjoyed reading this.

Thank you vluvswriting!

Hi,

So when I first read this I thought it was good. Not amazingly fantastic but still, good.

I think another reviewer pointed out, there's no need for the speech thingy on the second line. (4 years of English literature and I still call it a speech thingy.)

I will admit, I didn't actually notice it was a rhyming poem when I first read it, because I was focuses on the language and the way it was written. I liked this:

'Pain shot up when your fingers dug deep in my arm.'

It's just good imagery really.

One thing I really dislike is the last line, or more the last word.

'I was such a berk.'

You've written about how reckless and rough this man was being in such a nice way, then you use the word 'berk' for the sake of a rhyme.

But saying that, I thought what you were trying to say was pretty clear. You got your message across really clear which is always a good thing. It's got some good imagery. I would suggest that you read this over out loud and maybe do tweaking from there.

It's got good potential as well, I like the idea of it, just work on your execution a little.

Good job and keep writing,

H.L.P

Heyo, allow me to be the first to review here! Now, interesting poem you have here, and as for the picture at the top. I suggest you putting it at the bottom, as it can be a turn off for some people seeing a sexy guy at the top of your poem. Also, if you put it at the bottom it will make more sense as to what the picture is about. Now, let's get on with some technical things.

You don’t like it slow, so let me take it rough”

Pulling me impossibly close, with me, your way you had.[/b[]

Seeing your eyes puffed and rim red, I internally groaned,