Working at my desk, i got up to see,
A gentlemanly death, who came to take me;
Sternly he asked, "What's your wish last?",
"I've got no time to waste, do tell me fast";
"The wish of mine ain't easy as it seems,
Take me to a place, with love which teems;
A place where I'm wanted, and where I'm cared,
A place where to harm me, no one ever dared;
A place which is peaceful, sans any worries,
Sorrows of mine, forever a place which buries;
A place with an opportunity to make a fresh start,
A place which can pacify the unrest in my heart;
A place where people are true and honest,
A place where my soul can peacefully rest."
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello vluswriting, Subtle here for a review on review day! Interesting take on a last wish, with death asking you. That isn't something you see everyday, and I like how you've just dived straight into to wish-asking, just with little talking from death. I love the content of the wishing, as it is true and we all wish that. This poem, despite some places flows smoothly.
So, I will give you some suggestions that previous reviewers hasn't said.
I know you're aiming to rhyme here, but 'what's you wish last' just doesn't really make sense.
Other than that, I've got no nitpicks. I love the idea of this poem, and though in some places your rhyming seems a bit forced. It is still a very good poem. Keep on writing!
-S.s
Hello! I really like the idea behind this poem. I've seen death as a character before, but where you took it, with death offering a last wish, was very interesting. I like how the poem mostly just describes the narrator's wish, and leaves the background details unspecified. It makes for an interesting focus. And I like the wish the narrator chooses; it shows a lot about the narrator's character.
The main suggestion I have is to not focus so much on the rhyming. At some parts, it seems that you're changing the meaning of the poem in order to accommodate the rhymes.
The wording in these lines feels awkward, and you might want to reword them.
There are a few places where the tense makes the poem confusing.
I think it should say "who had come to take me."
I think it should say "no one would ever dare."
There were a few small errors that I noticed.
That should say "buries."
That should say "with an opportunity."
There are a few improvements that can be made, but this is a great poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!
hello there,vluvswriting,
wow......... that's all I could say at first...wow. This is outstanding. It is absolutely, amazingly, marvelous. There was one capitalization note, always capitalizing the word I. I did feel it got a bit repetitive, using to word A to begin every sentence, however this can work well if you keep it very consistent, however, you used a lot of other words at the beginning. It would help the flow of the poem to keep these all the same. Maybe try using every other? And also some of the rhyming felt very forced. You mixed up a few of the words in some sentences to keep the rhyme, but it made those sentences a bit awekward....over all I really loved it.
Fantastic job, keep writing!
--Cam