Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Drunk as fuck, I scribbled on a lonely lonely paper,
"Don't leave me alone. Give me another shot. I'm a keeper."
His words, his hatred filled eyes, his clenched fist. And my tears,
To each moment of it I got present, in dreadful flashes of fears.
I looked at the ugly mirror. Is it really me? I punched to check.
The crack did look like a spider net. But with blood. What the heck?
Pain shot up in my knuckles. I laughed a tear. Pain meant I'm alive.
What use was the pain? Without you, death is all to have I strive.
The pain was too unbearable to live. So I chose to destruct.
That was it. I snatched a glass piece. And cut my green duct.
The cut, the one on my wrist, made me nauseous and sick.
And there ended another love story, with a hic, hic, hicc!!
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hi, J.C. here for a review, as promised!
First off, I have to tell you that I tend to shy away from anything 18+, because it goes against my morals, and anything about love or depression or hate, because ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, they are pretty much the same thing.
This, though, was a breath of fresh air.
You've done a good job of formatting this so it feels stuttered and jagged, which really exemplifies the essence of what I believe the poem is about. Long, flowing lines with big fancy words just would not have fit.
At this point some might say that you tried to hard to make it rhyme and therefore the flow of the poem was shot. I think quite the opposite. Although the wording had to be changed to make the rhyming word come last in this line, you changed it in the right manner, and this line, along with a few others of its kind, lend a bit of sophistication to the piece.
While I don't necessarily agree with writing and focusing on the sad and terrible parts of life, this is a well written piece, and therefore, worth the read.
Thank you vluvswriting!
This was a very amazing written piece. I very much relate to what is happening in the speakers life. Love loss, cutting, not believing in yourself.
I know what they must be going through, and I am very sorry for that. Loss of love is unbearable. I hope that everything gets better. I hope you continue writing as well, because you're and amazing writer, and this is one of the best pieces I have ever read.
Don't let anyone tell you your not good at writing, because they must be blind sided. Well good luck in the long run, tell me when you have new writings in, I would love to read them, I really would.
Be Brave.
~Sparkles
This was really depressing and enjoyable.
I can relate to it because I use to cut
But I know a lot of people who are currently cutting and suicidal
This is really well written
You weren't afraid to be straight forward and I really like that
Keep up the good work
And I hope you aren't going through this
Because feeling depressed really sucks
Wow that's kind of depressing. I mean like it's kind of scary but I really enjoyed reading you'r story. And I'm sorry if you fell like that. I can relate to this and that's probably why I like it. At one point in my life I did cut but i'm trying not to any more so far I've gone almost a month now with out cutting. And I hope you aren't going through something like I was if this was a story relating to you. hope you have a good life.
Hi, I'm here to give a review.
This piece of literacy was no doubt powerful and well written. It's beautiful in its sadness, and I liked the line of thought through the work.
Hi there Gaurav here for a review. I must admit, I have very few nitpicks here as I loved it thoroughly.
I loved this line. The poem is quite heartbreaking but this line looked full of optimism. 'pain meant I'm alive.' the context in which it is used maybe different but the way it was put, I found it really good.
Coming to later part of the poem. I knew it was coming. The love story was going to end in a sad way. But I found certain parts really sad. A bit too much.
I found. Them really bitter. I recommend you to add a feel-good line after this. The reason I feel so, is because the previous part already shows you that their relationship has gone through a turmoil. I, as a reader have premeditated the end, so the darkness shouldn't be fleshed out so much.
Having said that, majority of the poem has some really good flow, and the words ... Gosh! I wish could steal them! They were damn good. Grammatically speaking, in poem, a poet has liberty to use words the way he wants, so no issues there. Just work on the feel-good part a bit (personal opinion. If you feel it is obstructing your flow, don't even think about it).
Overall this is outstanding! Keep writing! You have won a new follower to your poems, great good!