Chapter 1: My Failed Diets & Fitness
This will be a fun topic that I’m sure EVERYONE can relate to. At one point or another, we all tried to go on a diet. We signed up for gym memberships, pay for them, but don’t go. That right there is me. This has happened MANY times. I don’t consider myself to be very big, but I am a bit overweight. It would be nice to be fit and I’m sure my wife would appreciate that too. Overall, I feel unhealthy and would like to change that.
I have spent a lot of time searching the internet for ways to lose weight and to get fit. I looked up foods that I should stop eating and ones I should eat. That was probably the hardest part. I’m a BIG food lover. So I went to the store and got a few healthy things. I started cutting sugar out of my diet, tea and coffee with no sugar. I like my tea with sugar. No fast food, no chips, no soda. I tried counting calories I take in. SUCH A PAIN! I don’t know how people do that, but I tried.
After counting calories, I realized that in order to lose weight, I need to burn more calories than I take in. Back to the internet to look for exercises I need. Cardio is something I haven’t been good at for many years, but it was important for weight loss. I felt too shy to run through the neighborhood. Instead, I bought a jump rope. Also, I bought a twenty pound dumbbell. Oh yea, big muscles here I come! Here I go with the diet, ab workouts, jump rope, and a dumbbell. It lasted about three weeks.
The most recent attempt was when I got a gym membership. The first time you go, you get a free trainer who shows you what to do. WAY better than the internet. I had set goals and learned exercises I needed to do. That ended with me laying in his office feeling sick and ready to puke. I should add that I have been having stomach issues, but I’m sure I was that out of shape. So I kept coming back and doing what the trainer showed me. I was engaged at that time and we had a lot to prepare for the wedding. I kept getting distracted by that and other things and ended up not going back to the gym.
Let’s look at my steps. I took my steps forward to exercise and eat healthier. It did not work out and I took a step back. I educated myself and signed up for a gym membership. I took two more steps forward. I got distracted and took a step back. In the end I was more educated about the subject than before and I am more careful about the way I eat. I made some progress, but not much.
What could I have done better and what was in my way? In this area you need confidence, patients, and self-control. Be confident that you will succeed. I always have the thought that I won’t make it. Get rid of that! Patients is important because losing weight and getting fit takes a while. There are no getting fit quick shortcuts. Lastly, if you have no self-control, then you don’t stand a chance. Letting go of the foods you love can be hard. You need to control your cravings or you won’t get very far with your diet.
I was lacking those three elements. That’s what caused me to take steps back. Gain confidence, patients, and self-control. Next time you attempt a diet and try to get fit, you are sure to succeed and take your steps forward.
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Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey there Vetas!
Just little ole me here! :3
I want to start out by saying that this is indeed a topic that most people can relate to. We all want to be better versions of ourselves, and getting there is always a struggle.
In many ways, becoming a good writer is a lot like getting in shape. It requires research, coaching, confidence, patience, and yes, even self control.
In my case, as a "coach" so to speak, I want to point out areas where you need to do a little research, and "exercise".
Enclosed in the spoiler(at the bottom) is your chapter with all of the changes I'm about to discuss with you. I tried to leave your original as intact as possible but there were a couple of issues with your language and tense usage that were making your work slightly difficult to follow. I had to straighten it all out, otherwise my head just couldn't wrap itself around what you had written.
All in all, it's a good piece of narrative. Please don't take any edits or changes I make to mean otherwise. ^-^ There is nothing here that a little know how and elbow grease can't fix.
Now for the review:
First things first, your tense usage is all over the place. Tense is how readers know when something is happening.
For example: The dog jumps. The dog jumped. The dog is jumping. The dog was jumping. Etc.
If I said: The dog is jumping all over the place, then it ran over to me.
That would be a little awkward.
It would be better to say: The dog was jumping all over the place, then it ran over to me.
Notice the BIG difference little words like "is" and "was" make?
Now, don't take this to mean that changing tense mid sentence is ALWAYS wrong, but it has to be done correctly, otherwise you will chase any potential readers away.
In my edit I had to straighten out your tense several times.
Take these two as an example:
You change from past tense to present mid sentence.
You either need to say:
We sign up for gym memberships, pay for them, but don't go.
Or, We signed up for gym memberships, paid for them, but didn't go.
Now, there is a little awkward language usage here, but at this point I'm only focusing on tense. Alone, either of these sentences works well, but they don't flow together.
When you say "I have spent", you are talking about something you have done a lot in the past, but when you say "I looked" your tense indicates that you did this once before, not continually in the past, like the first sentence.
You could say: "I would look" or even "I look" to indicate what you spent time looking up. Either way would be fine. ^-^
Now, I'm going to try and tackle your language usage. Which, I admit, is a subject I only understand intuitively. See, I know that you are saying things awkwardly, but explaining why what your saying is awkward is a bit of a challenge on my part. (I'm still learning too.
It most likely has something to do with your sentence composition. There are LOTS of articles about sentence composition online so I would encourage you to do a little research. However, the best way I know to fix this is to read, and I mean READ. A lot. But, not mindlessly. Read with purpose, paying attention to how other published writers are saying things.
It's a lot like how we acquire language. We know when someone walks up to us and says, "I not like that very much," that they are speaking incorrectly, because we are constantly surrounded by examples of how things should be said.
In my edit I spent a lot of time teasing out what you said into ideas that worked well with each other, and words that complimented each other. When ever I felt they way you wrote something was awkward, or strange, I patched it up the best I could.
Originally, I had it colored coded, hope fully the color coding survives the copy and paste.
Anything written in red, simply had its tense changed.
Anything written in purple, was moved from a different part of the article. Anything written in blue is a re-write.
This is my first time trying something like this, let me know if it was helpful, or merely annoying.
Spoiler
At one point or another, we#000080 "> have all tried to go on a diet. We #FF0000 ">sign up for gym memberships, pay for them, but don't go. That right there is me. This has happened #0000BF ">to me MANY times.
#0000BF ">It's not like I consider myself to be very big,#800080 "> but overall, I feel unhealthy and would like to change that.#000080 ">I think it would be nice to be fit, and I’m sure my wife would appreciate that too.
#0000BF ">In the past I would spend hours searching the internet for ways to#0000BF "> do this. I #0000BF ">would #FF0000 ">look up foods#0000BF "> I shouldn't eat and ones #0000BF ">that I should. I #0000BF "> would#0000BF ">go to the store and #0000BF ">pick out healthy foods. I would #FF0000 ">start #0000BF ">drinking my tea and coffee with no sugar.#0000BF "> I'd cut out everything I could. No fast food, no chips, no soda. I'd #FF0000 ">count #0000BF ">every calorie I took in. SUCH A PAIN! I don’t know how people do #FF0000 ">it.
#0000BF ">After all of the research and calorie counting, I realized that #0000BF ">watching my diet alone wasn't enough. I #FF0000 ">needed to burn more calories than I #FF0000 ">was taking in.
#0000BF ">Back to the internet! I researched exercises. Cardio #0000BF ">was never one of my strong points, but it was important for weight loss. I felt too shy to run through the neighborhood. Instead, I bought a jump rope, #0000BF ">and a twenty pound dumbbell. Oh yeah, big muscles here I come! #FF0000 ">There I went with #0000BF ">my diet, ab workouts, jump rope, and dumbbell. It lasted about three weeks.
#0000BF ">In my most recent attempt #0000BF ">I even got a gym membership. The first time you go, you get a free trainer who shows you what to do. WAY better than the internet#0000BF ">! I #FF0000 ">set goals and learned exercises I needed to do. #0000BF ">I went all out in my workouts. That ended with me laying in his office feeling sick and ready to puke. I should add that I #FF0000 ">had been having stomach issues, but I’m sure I was #0000BF ">just that out of shape. #0000BF ">I tired to keep coming back, and did everything the trainer showed me, but I was engaged at that time. #0000BF ">There was so much we had#0000BF "> to do to prepare for the wedding. I kept getting distracted, #0000BF ">and by the end of it all I had quit going altogether.
Let’s look at my steps.
I #FF0000 ">stepped forward, #0000BF ">researching, exercising, and eating healthier, but I didn't have the self control I needed, and slipped a step back. I educated myself and signed up for a gym membership. I took two more steps forward. I got distracted and took a step back. In the end I was more educated, #0000BF ">and made better choices about the things I ate. I made some progress, #0000BF ">even if it wasn't much.
What could I have done better#0000BF ">? What was in my way?
#0000BF ">In the end, I think my real problem was a lack of confidence, patience, and self control.
Despite how hard I tried, I always felt like I wouldn't make it. Like the results I wanted would never come. Like denying myself the things I love was pointless. Don't be like me.
Get rid of that!
Have confidence! You will succeed.
Be patient! No one sees results over night.
Have self-control! When it is all said and done, all of your hard work will show.
Hello, vetas! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm going to try to go paragraph by paragraph...
Paragraph One:
Spoiler
Grammar and flow issues:
Suggestions:
Instead of capitalizing the words you're emphasizing, italicize them. It sounds like you're shouting, and it's obvious that that is not the effect that you want to have.
Krazy Kara komments:
I never have, so try not to speak for everyone.
Paragraph Two:
Spoiler
Grammar and flow issues:
Suggestions:
You don't need this.
Again, italicize instead of shouting.
Krazy Kara komments:
N/A
Paragraph Three:
Spoiler
Grammar and flow issues:
N/A: Good job.
Suggestions:
If you insist on the non-chalantness, I would put this as an exclamation.
Elaborate on this instead of just putting boring sentence after boring sentence.
Krazy Kara komments:
N/A
Paragraph Four:
Spoiler
Grammar and flow issues:
Suggestions:
Both of these just came out of nowhere. Maybe put more of those topics at the beginning?
Krazy Kara komments:
N/A
Paragraph Five:
Spoiler
Grammar and flow issues:
N/A: Good job.
Suggestions:
Elaborate on this paragraph a little bit, maybe? It just seems amateur to me.
Krazy Kara komments:
N/A
Paragraph Six:
Spoiler
Grammar and flow issues:
Should be "patience."
Suggestions:
N/A
Krazy Kara komments:
Except for the miracle pills
Last Paragraph:
Spoiler
Grammar and flow issues:
Should be "patience."
Suggestions:
N/A
Krazy Kara komments:
How do you know that?
Overall:
I will be blunt: I did not like this piece. Like, at all.
Your absoluteness put me off from the start and it didn't scream non-fiction to me, like non-fiction generally does. Normally, non-fiction is more of an essay and not someone ranting about their dietary problems. This would make a better blog essay than an actual piece.
Sorry.
Give me your soul --
Kara
Hi Vetas!
Ah, dieting and exercise. Something almost everyone can relate to! Which is a great position to be in when you're writing anything. It also means, unfortunately, that a lot of people talk and write about this subject too. Which doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't write about, but can mean that you have to find your unique angle to take on the subject.
As it stands, this reads a little less like a chapter and a little more like a preface. Which isn't a bad thing! When it comes to nonfiction, even personal essay/narrative nonfiction like this reads, each chapter should have a subject or a goal that contributes to the overall message of the work. So, for example, the first chapter of a diet/weight loss story might be about your first attempt at weight loss (the first diet you tried, etc) or about a specific part of the process of losing weight. Just something to keep in mind as you continue!
I'd also encourage you to think more like a storyteller and less like a motivational speaker, if that makes sense? The narrative of encouragement around weight loss is super familiar, but you are a unique and original person so you have something new to bring to this conversation. Think about what that might be, about specific real life stories you could tell about yourself and weight loss (which could also open you up to bring in other aspects of your life to the weight loss journey, as that's often what it's like for real people! Weight loss and diet don't exist in a vacuum, they're affected by other parts of our lives and the things we believe and struggle with). I bet you have something really fantastic to say!
Otherwise, the writing here was solid. Just a little too familiar. There's so much potential in this story, you just have to find the way to bring yourself and your personality and your worldview into it!
Thanks so much for sharing. Keep writing!
--Lauren
Hello and Happy Review day!
I'm not sure exactly what this is, but I really related to it. (Is it a non-fiction book? A story?) I haven't read the prologue yet but when I do you can expect another review for that.
Before I talk about the text itself, I'll let you know a little about my personal experiences with this sort of stuff:
A while ago in the summer, I was trying to be more conscious of what I ate and I started going running in the mornings. It was difficult at first but I felt myself making an improvement. Then, life got busy, I was ill, the holidays came and I never really got started again. Now it feels like I've erased all my progress. So, for me, it's interesting to hear about other people having these problems and what they're trying to do.
Okay, now onto the actual review. As I said earlier, the topic is good but I'm not sure what type of text this is supposed to be. I found the capitalised words as bit off putting as they contrasted with the tone of the text. As far as grammar and spelling are concerned my only issue was that you used the word patients instead of patience. Here are the definitions for each one.
Patience:
the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.
Patients:
a person receiving or registered to receive medical treatment.
Other than that, I didn't have any problems with this. Thanks for posting; I'm looking forward to reading more. Keep writing!
Ebony