I Heard About A Place

Hey there!

I'd like to start off by saying that the ending was wonderful. I don't know why I loved it, but I did. Anyways...

I have a couple issues with this. Just minor problems that should be real easy to fix:

First Stanza: The rhymes seemed a bit forced, particularly in the fourth line. I'm not too sure how to make it flow better and I'm truly sorry about that, but I know there's some way to do it.

Last Stanza: "Is" shouldn't be capitalized.

Aside from those, I think it's great! I dream of the most wonderful place too (I'm sure many others do as well) and I always love reading about it. I like the way you put it, "I heard about a place," rather than using the word "know," because it shows how the narrator has never seen this place with his/her own eyes, but still has faith in it.

Great job,
DarkHeart

OHHHHH my!! loved it(: incredible(: kept me intrigued(: I like the line " I heard about a place, a wonderful place." clever !!!!!(: overall, Well done kido(:



-Amber

This is a great poem!
The structure, rhythme and rhyme are all spot on, and you had me gripped from start to finish.
I love the repetition of "A place" as though it is so dream-like, so far-off and perfect that there is no name for it because it is perfect.
I heard about a place, where love fills the air

A place where the hearts are kind.

A place where one would lend a hand

To those who are left behind.
^This is my favourite stanza- I fell it flowed brilliantly. In some of the other lines, I feel you might want to work on the number of syllables in the line to ensure the piece is not rigid or forced. For example:
I heard about a place, where hatred does not exist.

A place where you can't stay blue.

A place where you could get kissed

And hugged from those closest to you.
This is a lovely stanza, and generates a very warm and welcoming feel to this perfect place, but I find the wording of it is not as slick as it could be. For example, if the stanza were to read like this:
I heard about a place where there is no hatred,

A place where you can't stay blue.

A place where you could get hugged and kissed

From those closest to you.

I feel it might flow a little better. However, this is up to you of course and this may simply be how I would prefer to read it.
Overall, I thought your piece was effective, interesting and original. Great work

Hello Vetas,

This is Magenta here to review you poem that you have written and submitted to YWS, I Heard About a Place. This is a great poem I must say and I think that you had a well-thought out and important meaning behind this. At first, it seemed that you were rhyming the first and third lines and the second and fourth lines of the poem. It may have been deliberate to pure coincidence. I'm not sure. I would consider changing this so that the entire poem follows a formal pattern. You lapse in and out of this rhyming pattern which may annoy or confuse the reader.

"I heard about a place, a wonderful place.
A place where I want to go.
A place that would put a smile on my face
That right now cannot show."

See, here you had lines one and three and lines two and four rhyming. Perhaps you only want two and four rhyming, this way you don't have as much work to do and it isn't all forced. I also have to comment on the repetition of the word, "place" I understand that this is the idea of the poem, but I am concerned that it is repeated a little too much.

I feel that some of your lines are a bit unnecessary and only are there to complete the rhyming. I would suggest changing some so that it doesn't seem odd when reading this.

Great job with this poem that you wrote. I like the idea behind this. Good work and keep on writing.

~ Magenta