Hello, before you read this I need to explain. I want to write a story but I am not exactly a writer myself. This is supposed to be the first chapter but it is all compressed. It does not have that many details. I would greatly appreciate it if you were to read this and let give me some pointers and let me know if this seems to be something that could catch someone's attention. I don't write often and I always dreamed of doing it, but I never get to it. I find this place to be very helpful and hoping to find encouragement to write. Thank You!
George and Samantha have always wanted to have children. They wanted to teach their children how to find happiness and bring others happiness in such a hard and cruel world. They wanted to teach them about God. The One who knows how to love more than anybody else. The One who so loved the world that He gave His only Son to die for us so we could be saved and have everlasting life.
On June first, George and Samantha were filled with joy at the birth of their son. They named him Jason. They were excited to have more children so they could raise a beautiful family. But they received the worst news they could possibly hear from the doctor. Samantha was not able to have anymore children. This broke their hearts and their dreams. But God reminded them that they have a wonderful child that they could still raise and give him everything they can.
Jason grew up to be one of the happiest boys anyone has ever known. Jason loved to sing and play guitar. At age seven, he wrote a song about how much he loves his parents. George and Samantha watched how their son was growing up and thanked God for such a blessing in their life. They saw that Jason was a unique child that will one day shine his light to the world.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was such a wholesome little story....ahh...its just leaves you feeling warm inside this one, definitely would be a great first chapter, of course it doesn't quite have much of mystery to it, right now this reads more like its own story than the first chapter but being a compressed chapter could probably explain that away...well let's see this in a touch more detail.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well that seems like a pretty wholesome little start here, very simple goal here for these two people and it seems like a really nice goal to have in life as well. A really lovely start here, starting with a wholesome goal and its just a nice and relaxing way to write the first paragraph of a story here. This promises to be a fun read at any rate.
Okay...well that's quite a paragraph there, that one was a genuine emotional rollecoaster there, starting off with what is truly a beautiful thing and then moving onto that devastating news but then finally ending off with that lovely hopeful statement to not let a terrible situation like that let you down too much and to learnt to make the best of what you get I suppose.
Aww...well that's a sweet ending, a beautiful story to end the day's reviewing on at any rate, it just leaves you feeling happy inside this one, its very simple, it doesn't seem to have much happening at all but it just sends a lovely message and its just generally super wholesome. Definitely an awesome little story this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Well...anyway, not for me to say down here. It was just a lovely story to read and I think this would make for a pretty good story, if you continued it out from here. Well that's all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very nice starting. Since you asked for more of a plot review, I will not go into grammatical errors. ( Your sentence structure is almost perfect.)
Since this is only the starting there aren't many major things I can critique about but here I two things that I think could use some attention:
In paragragh 1, you as the narrator state that George and Samantha wish to teach their child everything there is know in life. So to embrace this, I would give their child a unique name. Again, this is from my perspective.
At the end of the story, saying
"They saw that Jason was a unique child that will one day shine his light to the world."
gives a feeling that the story is going to end. I'm not sure if you are familiar with plot sequence, but this is a basic diagram of what it is:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_WOk8Pe3kJyg/R ... iagram.jpg
(paste in URL)
As you can see, the rising action introduces a conflict in the story. This sentence, which makes you feel that all is well" is more of a ending sentence. After what you have so far, introduce a conflict of some sort. The problem of not being able to have any more children is a "minor" problem and doesn't initiate the rising action.
Overall, very curious. I know you will eventually end up with a great story.
The story has potential, it just needs developing more. Perhaps writing from Jason's or his parent's point of view may be a better angle to deliver the story as this way you can really delve into the thoughts and feelings of the characters which could with work provide a really emotive and interesting piece.
If more time is spent on the piece then it can be developed which would give more to work on and more feedback would be available. Try to develop each paragraph into its own story as it moves very quickly through each of the stages whereas you could perhaps write a short story based only on the first two paragraphs or just include parts of the third paragraph for a happy ending or something along those lines.
Grammatical errors at this point are not important as before a story or any piece of writing is published onto a site like this it will be fully checked over multiple times and by more than one person therefore that is not of an issue.
Overall, developing the story further will only improve it and if you do try and tell the story through a protagonist and tell their side of the story it could make for a really interesting read.
Best of luck!
Thank you!
Hello, I'm Howl.
I think I see where this story is going and I do like the idea of it, but it could be better if you could add more to it. You could write short stories from the parents, or Jason's, point of view as he grows up, you also do have a few sentences with improper grammar; but should not be used to start a sentence, also some sentences are actually to short to be considered a sentence at all. Sorry if you do not agree. It was a great piece though, hope to see more from you.
Thank you!
Very nice starting. Since you asked for more of a plot review, I will not go into gramatical errors. ( Your sentence structure is almost perfect.)
Since this is only the starting there aren't many major things I can critique about but here I two things that I think could use some attention:
In paragragh 1, you as the narrator state that George and Samantha wish to teach their child everything there is know in life. So to embrace this, I would give their child a unique name. Again, this is from my perspective.
At the end of the story, saying
"They saw that Jason was a unique child that will one day shine his light to the world."
gives a feeling that the story is going to end. I'm not sure if you are familiar with plot sequence, but this is a basic diagram of what it is:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_WOk8Pe3kJyg/R ... iagram.jpg
(paste in URL)
As you can see, the rising action introduces a conflict in the story. This sentence, which makes you feel that all is well" is more of a ending sentence. After what you have so far, introduce a conflict of some sort. The prolem of not being able to have any more children is a "minor" problem and doesn't initiate the rising action.
Overall, great story. I know you will eventually end up with a great story.
Hey thank you
and thank you for the diagram!
np... Im sure you will write a great story