Hiya! Orabella again, here with a review. ^^
Sorry it took me so long to get to this! I've actually been thinking of this story constantly, but I haven't had much time as of late, and I wanted to make sure I gave you a quality review rather than rushing through a chapter at the last minute.
Perhaps no one would even know the existence of humans at all.
A dark and creepy thought; one that can reveal a bit more about Luisa's character. With both the boys in the friend group gone, you'd expect her to freak out and go into a bit of an existential crisis - which is what she does. However, I find it interesting that she ponders the far away future in that moment, kind of in a numb observing way. And the little, "It was fascinating, really," added so much to that.
“Our old home.” Marie said, her voice choked with grief akin to a parent’s when their child died.
Ooh, that's a nice description! I hear writers talk a lot about descriptions that are unique and different than all the rest to make it pop out and be more valuable to the story or what is being described- which definitely is true - but familiarity can make it easier to see in the reader's head. And the way this was explained, I can perfectly hear Marie saying those words.
True love never withered away.
Aww, this is such a sweet thought! I wonder if this will be more important later in the story? Like, Jackson and Elvis as friends, maybe Jackson never stopped caring about him. Or if Jackson ever truly loved his sister, maybe he can be reached through her and stopped.
Also, the thoughts from Luisa interrupting Marie's story is really well done! Not only does it show that she's not fully invested in the story because of how distraught she is, it also is very realistic. Rarely is someone telling a story and nothing happens around them, even if it's as simple as a character's internal dialogue.
All mangled up like a knot, blood tying his limbs together like a rope.
Ahh! This is quite the sight to describe. Not something I'd ever like to see in anything other than words. This is so descriptive, and I can just imagine the horror and gore in my mind - which is both good and bad? Good for you because you successfully had a reader picture it in her mind and bad for me because I'm the one picturing it. Just, chills. Chills.
It had the constituency of yarn.
I think the right word here would be consistency? I had to look this up, but constituency basically means a group of voters for something specific. Consistency, in this context, would describe a substance: the yarn.
I found it really interesting how you used italics! Emphasising words like that makes them stand out a lot more, which can be really helpful. Personally, I don't like to use that much, but I think that's more of a style choice than anything. The way you are using them is really good and you're choosing great words to emphasize!
What I'd suggest that might be improved is dialogue - specifically how people say things. I think you have a general way of speaking for many of your characters, but what else can you do? Do they have any mannerisms? Any phrases they use repeatedly? An accent? An altogether different way of talking? Or maybe they have a slow or fast cadence, or a generally excited or bored voice. Play around with it!
And ahhhh! Monster! I wonder who she's referring to? At first glance, you'd assume it's Jackson, which would make sense. But it almost feels like she's talking about Marie - which makes me question. What do we know about Marie? Can we trust her?? And who in the world is Helena Blackrose??! Already I've been tied so deep into this story, and it will be so hard to wait to see where it goes!
Thank you again so much for writing and sharing, and please have a lovely day/night. Keep writing!
Points: 30174
Reviews: 252
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