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12+ Violence Mature Content

Zombies of Mariesville | Three

by vampricone6783


*Part three of “Zombies of Mariesville”. You can find the rest of the stories under my folder “Zombies of Mariesville”. I hope that you enjoy! Gacha Club character designs are on my wall.*



When the explosion cleared, the three of them were no longer in the Lavein forest, but on a hill. At the very top of the hill was a brick building almost completely swallowed whole by ivy leaves.

In a few months, Luisa had seen nature take back what was theirs. It was fascinating, really. Perhaps no one would even know the existence of humans at all.

“Our old home.” Marie said, her voice choked with grief akin to a parent’s when their child died.

“What’s wrong?” Josette asked, ever so curious. Luisa didn’t want to stay and chat, the very fate of the world was in their hands.

She began trudging through the knee-length grass, but Josette roughly grabbed her right arm and pulled her close.

“Don’t leave, it’s rude.” Josette said.

Charles and Braden were zombies, the field of vivus plants had disappeared, and Josette wanted Luisa to be nice?

Josette glared at her icily. Luisa stayed when she was, for Josette had never glared at her and it felt like Luisa’s very throat was going hot with guilt.

“Jackson had a friend. A very good friend of his, someone who understood him better than I did.” Marie said. Her brown eyes were lost, perhaps stuck in a past life.

“His name was Elvis. Elvis loved watching Jackson perform spells, he used to come every day just to see him. It was quite touching, how he never once judged Jackson for being a witch.” Marie said.

Luisa thought of how Charles may have been the “cool” one, he didn’t leave Luisa behind. He always stayed by her side. He always saw the light in Luisa and in turn, Luisa saw the light in him.

True love never withered away.

“One day, Jackson wanted to try a particular spell that would impress him, a spell that was too dangerous. A spell that would kill.”

Marie sighed haggardly, as though bone hands were closing in on her throat.

“It’s so terrible that I don’t know exactly what he did. But I do know that Jackson came out of his room, bawling his eyes out. He came to me, stuttering about Elvis.”

“I didn’t understand him, but I followed him up to his room. There, I found Elvis. All mangled up like a knot, blood tying his limbs together like a rope. His blood was visible. It had the consistency of yarn. It was…a sight no fifteen year old girl should have seen! A horror no thirteen year old boy should witness!”

Marie’s arms were reaching out towards the girls in vain. Josette and Luisa stepped back, startled by the sudden action. It was though she wanted to save someone, but didn’t know how.

As quickly as it happened, Marie blinked back into reality.

“Sorry about that.” Marie said, swallowing hard. She lowered her arms and smiled harshly at them.

“We’re not talking about my past life. Let’s just get to the house and find the vivus plant. It must be hiding there somewhere.” Marie said.

She grabbed a hand from Josette and a hand from Luisa, not stopping to wait for them.

………………………………………………………

They walked through the cracked remains of a dying home, Marie in the lead, Luisa in the back.

What else is Marie not telling us? What did Jackson do? Luisa thought to herself. There was something missing, something important. She could sense it in her veins. What was it? It was so close, she could almost grasp it.

Somebody help me. A young girl whispered in her brain. Not in her ear, but in her brain.

Luisa looked at Marie and Josette. None of them reacted. Marie was the witch, wouldn’t she hear a girl’s voice?

Please, somebody HELP ME! The girl screamed. Luisa could hear bone-breaking tears in her voice, a full-blown sob that rang throughout Luisa’s body.

She broke away, running up the creaking stairs towards the voice.

………………………………………………………

When Luisa reached the second floor, she found a door open across from her, where a young girl with, long, curled hot pink hair curled up in the corner of the room.

Luisa walked inside the room. Upon closer inspection, it was a girl’s bedroom with fading lavender walls, a hardwood floor bleached white over the years, and dead leaves scattered to and fro.

The girl in the corner was staring up into space. She wore a small red bow on her head. Her sky blue dress went past her knees, she wore clean white socks underneath gleaming black Mary Janes. Her gloves matched the color of her socks.

But the most striking thing about the girl was her eyes. Her eyes were scarlet red, black pupils the slit of a snake’s. She had the eyes of a demon.

“Were you calling me?” Luisa asked. Yes, the girl’s eyes were something to be nervous about, but life taught her not to judge books by their covers. The girl might be in danger.

“Yes, I did.” The girl said, turning her tear-stained eyes towards Luisa. Her voice was weary from hours of crying, her face was flushed with past tears.

“My name is Ava Luxrose, but I have lost my family. She took me here and she took others. She was brought here from someone, I’m certain of it…”

Ava paused, collecting her thoughts.

“If you’re here now, then it is your help we need. There’s a monster in this house.” Ava said solemnly.

“Monster? What do you mean? What’s going on?!” Luisa asked.

A window crashed downstairs, shattered glass falling to the ground with such a high crescendo it sounded otherworldly. Josette screamed and Marie cried out: “Stay back!”

“Helena Blackrose is here!” Ava screeched shrilly before curling into herself yet again.


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Tue Mar 12, 2024 6:02 am
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hiya! Orabella again, here with a review. ^^

Sorry it took me so long to get to this! I've actually been thinking of this story constantly, but I haven't had much time as of late, and I wanted to make sure I gave you a quality review rather than rushing through a chapter at the last minute. :)

Perhaps no one would even know the existence of humans at all.

A dark and creepy thought; one that can reveal a bit more about Luisa's character. With both the boys in the friend group gone, you'd expect her to freak out and go into a bit of an existential crisis - which is what she does. However, I find it interesting that she ponders the far away future in that moment, kind of in a numb observing way. And the little, "It was fascinating, really," added so much to that.

“Our old home.” Marie said, her voice choked with grief akin to a parent’s when their child died.

Ooh, that's a nice description! I hear writers talk a lot about descriptions that are unique and different than all the rest to make it pop out and be more valuable to the story or what is being described- which definitely is true - but familiarity can make it easier to see in the reader's head. And the way this was explained, I can perfectly hear Marie saying those words.

True love never withered away.

Aww, this is such a sweet thought! I wonder if this will be more important later in the story? Like, Jackson and Elvis as friends, maybe Jackson never stopped caring about him. Or if Jackson ever truly loved his sister, maybe he can be reached through her and stopped.

Also, the thoughts from Luisa interrupting Marie's story is really well done! Not only does it show that she's not fully invested in the story because of how distraught she is, it also is very realistic. Rarely is someone telling a story and nothing happens around them, even if it's as simple as a character's internal dialogue.

All mangled up like a knot, blood tying his limbs together like a rope.

Ahh! This is quite the sight to describe. Not something I'd ever like to see in anything other than words. This is so descriptive, and I can just imagine the horror and gore in my mind - which is both good and bad? Good for you because you successfully had a reader picture it in her mind and bad for me because I'm the one picturing it. Just, chills. Chills.

It had the constituency of yarn.

I think the right word here would be consistency? I had to look this up, but constituency basically means a group of voters for something specific. Consistency, in this context, would describe a substance: the yarn.

I found it really interesting how you used italics! Emphasising words like that makes them stand out a lot more, which can be really helpful. Personally, I don't like to use that much, but I think that's more of a style choice than anything. The way you are using them is really good and you're choosing great words to emphasize!

What I'd suggest that might be improved is dialogue - specifically how people say things. I think you have a general way of speaking for many of your characters, but what else can you do? Do they have any mannerisms? Any phrases they use repeatedly? An accent? An altogether different way of talking? Or maybe they have a slow or fast cadence, or a generally excited or bored voice. Play around with it!

And ahhhh! Monster! I wonder who she's referring to? At first glance, you'd assume it's Jackson, which would make sense. But it almost feels like she's talking about Marie - which makes me question. What do we know about Marie? Can we trust her?? And who in the world is Helena Blackrose??! Already I've been tied so deep into this story, and it will be so hard to wait to see where it goes!

Thank you again so much for writing and sharing, and please have a lovely day/night. Keep writing!




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Thu Mar 07, 2024 1:12 am
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Mint wrote a review...



Hi! I'll be going chronologically with this review, as always take what's helpful and leave the rest. I'm mostly going to focus on clarity and readability, and other things when they come up.

"but on a hill. At the very top of the hill was a brick building almost completely swallowed whole by ivy leaves."
It opening line could be simplified by saying they were atop a hill near a brick building almost completely swallowed by ivy. rather than saying they were on a hill and on top of that hill is x. Where are they? Are they near the building? Are the at the top of the hill too?

"In a few months, Luisa had seen nature take back what was theirs. It was fascinating, really. Perhaps no one would even know the existence of humans in a million years."
I really like this sentiment and idea, I'm a big fan of nature reclaiming human things. However i think this could be phrased more clearly. The pronoun usage implies that nature is referred to as a "them" which it may very well be but it reads more as a mistake here. I might rewrite it to be something like

"In just a few months Luisa had seen nature reclaim vast swaths of (whatever it was that was reclaimed, battlefields? malls? home?). It was fascinating really. She wondered how long it would be before the existence of humans was erased entirely."

I also adjusted the last sentence because I think a million years is a hyperbolic amount of time in the wrong way we want to go, she's exclaiming about how *quickly* nature took over the land, I would say a million years is a very normal amount of time to assume there will be no trace of humans.

"“One day, Jackson wanted to try a particular spell that would impress him, a spell that was too dangerous. A spell that would kill.”"
Something like this need a lot more prep and explanation to have the impact that it should. This is a very heavy gruesome death committed by a child on accident! That should evoke some emotion, but I can think is wow that's a really weak reason to kill someone. His friend was killed by his own irresponsibility. In the real world this is comparable to his friend coming over to watch him play with his hunting equipment and one day when he comes over he blows his friend's brains out. Not a good reason, doesn't make me feel bad for the murderer, just makes me hope that he's shown displaying an appropriate level of grief and shame for what he's done. I really hope this isn't later treated as something that happened to him rather than by his own hand. You can't just spaghettify your friend for fun.

I really like the end of this chapter. i appreciate that you specify this young girl has the eyes of a demon but the character isn't judging her for that. I might draw out this opportunity for a bit longer, make us wonder if she does need help or not. Overall I like the ending I think this is a good set up for the next chapter, and I'm very interested in what this little demon girl gets up to next.

Good job, keep on writing! As always, take what's helpful and discard the rest!




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Tue Feb 20, 2024 2:41 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey vampricone - a quick review from me today as I noticed this one's been in the Green Room for a little while!

Firstly, I love how we're learning about the past from the characters rather than reading it as statements in the novel. It makes it seem way more real, and we can actually see how the characters react to it. I think if you compare your writing now to how it was when you first joined the site you'll be able to see how much you've improved so far and I think you should be really proud of that!

There's definitely still room for some extra description here, especially as you're describing an old house. For example:

- When the explosion cleared, the three of them were no longer in the Lavein forest, but on a hill. At the very top of the hill was a brick building almost completely swallowed whole by ivy leaves.

This is a good start, but you could build it out even further:

When she opened her eyes, she saw a different landscape. They were no longer in the Lavein forest, where the trees were tall and green, and the air was fresh and cool. They were on a hill, surrounded by dry grass and rocks. The sky was grey and cloudy, and the wind was cold and harsh. At the very top of the hill was a brick building, almost hidden by the ivy leaves that covered it. It looked old and abandoned, like a ghost from the past.


The house is for sure a great way to show off your description, and I'd like to see a little more of it for story setting purposes.

The pacing of this is going well, and I think you have the spooky feeling down. Looking forward to reading more!

Icy





If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain