z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Zombies of Mariesville | Seven

by vampricone6783


*This story is underneath my folder titled “Zombies of Mariesville”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



Luisa hoped that what she was living through was real, and not an illusion. It’d hurt even more if it were all just a hallucination in death, and that her world really had crumbled.

But Josette was leading her and Oliver to safety. She’d find the rest of them, and they’d all be saved.

The graying, decaying walls of the palace around her began to fade into the background…she couldn’t feel the ground beneath her…

…………………………………………………..

She was in a room with painted green walls and a bed filled with stuffed animals. In fact, the whole room was filled with stuffed animals, but the boys occupying it looked to be thirteen, much too old to be seen with such toys in the eyes of the world.

“Watch, Elvis. I’m going to summon Helena Blackrose, the nightmare demon. Legend has it that she manifested from a little girl’s nightmares, and she now roams the streets, searching for children to take.” The boy said with a mischievous grin.

A realization hit Luisa in the head. The boys were Jackson and Elvis, and it was the moment that Jackson had summoned Helena, unaware of just how awful she could be.

It was where it all began.

“Remind me why you want to summon this supposed demon?” Elvis asked, a hint of paranoia in his voice.

Jackson only grinned wider and wrapped around Elvis’ shoulders.

“I’m a witch, Elvis. I can control what else is out there. You have nothing to fear, because I’ll keep you safe.” Jackson said.

“Yeah, right.” Elvis laughed, nudging Jackson away.

But Jackson sat crisscrossed on the ground, and from his lips, came the fading, enchanted words:

“Oh Helena, demon of the mind.

Creature of the shadows.

I call upon thee to come here tonight.

Show us your might, bring your greatest fury.

Bring all your misery, it’s mine against yours.

Come forth, show what you can.”

“This sounds wrong.” Elvis said. Yet he didn’t leave, so perhaps he trusted Jackson to some extent?

“It sounds evil, I know. But that’s what I have to say to summon her.” Jackson said.

He turned around and crawled over to Elvis, taking hold of his hand from his place on the ground.

“I’ve never hurt you before. You’re still here, in my room. You know that I’m going to make sure nothing happens. Don’t let the fear get to you, it’s your worst enemy.” Jackson said softly.

“You’re right. This spell isn’t going to harm a soul, you know what you’re doing.” Elvis said, gaining more confidence.

For a few minutes, nothing happened. It was just the two of them, in the room of stuffed animals.

Then, black smoke rose from the ground, growing and growing, till it morphed into a pale woman, black hair sticking to her sallow face, black dress trailing below her, black, spindly claws reaching out.

Jackson stood up, still holding onto Elvis’ hand.

“Helena Blackrose! Tis I’, Jackson Lavein, the witch who has called you forth. I herby bind you to my will, you will proceed with only my commands.” Jackson declared.

He reached out, and from his free hand, thin trails of golden smoke crawled out, latching onto Helena.

But she only snickered and pushed them aside, as though they meant nothing to her.

“Small child, you have not secured your spell. You know nothing, you are an inexperienced brat. Now, you must pay your debt. Give me the human, I need his soul.” Helena seethed.

She reached out towards Elvis, but Jackson shielded him. Elvis began shaking, his eyes wide with terror.

“Why can’t you just take mine? I have magic, you could use that to your benefit. I’m the one who summoned you.” Jackson said. There were tears in his eyes, but none spilled out.

Helena tsked and shook her head, as though she were a teacher conversing with a misbehaving child.

“You won’t do me any good. Only human souls sustain me. I need him, give him to me and I’ll be on my way.” Helena said.

Upon hearing her words, Elvis jumped onto Jackson, who held him tight. Jackson’s eyes blanked out into whiteness, and he extended his hand, golden fire emerging from within.

“Not a chance, demon. I’ll see to it that you’ll be controlled, just you wait.” Jackson said, voice laced with ethereal power.

The golden flames engulfed Helena, closing in on her. She was sinking to the ground, shaking, crying out in agony. Elvis hid his face in Jackson’s shoulder, avoiding the sight of Helena’s apparent demise.

Luisa watched with joy as she cried out in pain. The monster was dying, the boys would be saved, they’d never be taken!

But it was a memory, not a fairytale.

Helena’s blackened clouds of smoke overpowered the golden. Jackson’s hand was getting shaky, there was uncertainty creeping in his eyes.

Helena’s grin returned. She stood to her full, towering height. Jackson’s flames were so feeble compared to the clouds of darkness surrounding her and spreading out, like what circled out of factory chimneys.

“The magic of an insolent kid. No more games, it’s quite repetitive.” Helena said.

Right from his hold, Helena grabbed Elvis with her encircling black smoke. Jackson ran towards him, but the black smoke wrapped on his wrists and ankles, confining him.

“Tell you what, kid. I’ll give your friend back if you give me all the humans in this town. Give them to me, and you’ll be with him again.” Helena said.

“That’s all?” Jackson asked, tears spilling from his eyes. Elvis struggled to break free, but Helena’s grip was stronger than Jackson’s.

“That’s all.” Helena said, faux gentleness lined in her voice.

In an instant, she and Elvis disappeared in a pop, like a firework, but without the noise.

Jackson sat on the ground, unmoving. Tears fell from his eyes, but he didn’t bawl. He simply held his knees to his chest, face lined with shock.

It was a memory, she couldn’t comfort him, yet still, Luisa walked towards him, trying to put a hand on his shoulder when she got close.

It went straight through, as expected to.

“Marie!” Jackson called out, throat filled with caked sobs that dug deep through.

The room faded out, blurring into colors that melded into nondescript, muted gray.

…………………………………………………..

“I found this room when I was crawling in the walls, after I escaped. The vivus plants are here.” Josette said.

Luisa was back in the rotting palace, away from the moment of sorrowful loss. Her heart raced from the memory, but she simply held Oliver close and let Josette lead the way to freedom.

Josette creaked open the door. Just as she said, yellow C-shaped vegetables waited in rows, ripe for the picking.

“I’ll take one for Braden, you take one for Charles. We’ll find Marie and take the rest.” Josette said.

Luisa nodded. She’d find Charles and Ava, Josette would find Braden. Then, they’d find Marie and fix it all. There was no need to tell Josette what she saw. As long as Luisa knew, she could motivate Marie to get through to Jackson, and everything would be fixed.

The three of them were just about to pick the plants, when suddenly, there came an echoing thump from behind the walls that shook the palace and brought dust falling from the ceiling.

Oliver coughed raggedly, his barren lungs no doubt contributing to his vulnerability.

Luisa and Josette waited, ready to fight whatever came bursting through the other side.

They may have been trapped, but that didn’t mean that they would give up.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1525 Reviews

Points: 160300
Reviews: 1525

Donate
Thu Jun 13, 2024 7:54 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



I'll keep this one short, but I really like how you've built up the tension before this to only now give us the background into how Helena Blackrose was summoned (and why). It feels much more natural than if we'd had this info dump at the beginning of the story because now we've seen some of the consequences of these actions.

I agree with Orabella that Jackson's words don't seem to fully convey his feelings. Maybe he could stutter, or stumble over them? Maybe you could utilise some exclamation points. There are plenty of techniques to play up his stress in this situation.

I'm also not feeling a sense of urgency for our characters in the present. I think adding that in would help to build the tension.

Overall though this chapter adds to the pacing nicely, and gives us a good background at the right time.

See you for chapter 8!

Icy




User avatar
250 Reviews

Points: 28969
Reviews: 250

Donate
Wed Jun 12, 2024 5:20 pm
View Likes
OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Hi there again, vampricone!! So sorry this is so late, but I'm here now, and goodness am I glad! I love this story so much so far; it's turning into something really fun, and it seems we're getting to the climax of the story!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
Now we know more about what happened; how Helena Blackrose was summoned and why - and perhaps the beginning of Jackson's villain arch? And Josette found the vivus plants - the cure for the zombies - somewhere in the house. Now all they have to do is get them, get out, and make the cure - as long as they can get past whoever is about to enter!

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
While this is good and clearly shows Jacksons' emotions, I feel like it could be improved:

“Why can’t you just take mine? I have magic, you could use that to your benefit. I’m the one who summoned you.” Jackson said. There were tears in his eyes, but none spilled out.

His words seems far calmer than his composure, which feels a little bit unnatural to me. And right away he understands what she means and starts bargaining for his own life, although I feel like he would try to save both him and Elvis before offering his own, especially since he doesn't quite grasp Helena's full power. Had he already known there was no hope, this would be a little more realistic, but at this point he didn't know Helena's power all that well. Especially when he later says:
“Not a chance, demon. I’ll see to it that you’ll be controlled, just you wait.” Jackson said, voice laced with ethereal power.

If he's so afraid of Helena that he's willing to offer his life to save Elvis as a last chance, you wouldn't expect him to go against her in such a confident and defiant way a minute or so later. To fix this, maybe you could switch the two? Jackson could start out by saying that, he'll be the one to control her with his confidence, and when it becomes clear that she is much more powerful than him and she wants Elvis, then he can offer himself instead. I think that might make this flow a little bit smoother.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
In general, I loved the memory! It's such a unique way we get so see what happened, and as always, from Luisa's eyes. That helps us stay with her and see what she sees, which is a really wonderful way to connect the readers to both the character, and the story. We really see what Jackson used to be like and the circumstances that brought us here. We also see that he used to just be a kid - a little immature, a little overconfident, but a kid, and obviously, he cares. Or at the very least, he used to. Especially this moment; it broke my heart:

“Marie!” Jackson called out, throat filled with caked sobs that dug deep through.

The fact that Jackson used to be... well, a person, a person that got scared and got sad and wanted protection, or comfort, from his sister changes everything about him. He used to just be a villain, but now we see another part of him. A small part. A caring part.

But it was a memory, not a fairytale.

I also really love this. It's sorta foreshadowing, but not exactly, and it feels so true to life. It's also a great transition from something great happening to something awful. The simple and plain statement of it is beautiful, and it also shows us what Luisa is thinking, and her sinking realization that not everything would turn out well.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this was a gripping and interesting chapter! We learned so much about the past, and we're getting so close to the future - whether it ends good or bad.

Thank you so much for writing, sharing, and just being you! I love reading your stories, and I hope you'll keep writing them. ^^ Have an amazing day!!




User avatar
11 Reviews

Points: 483
Reviews: 11

Donate
Mon May 06, 2024 3:54 pm
View Likes
DevilBeMyDarling wrote a review...



What an empowering story! Your pacing as an author kept me reading, I couldn't look away. The predicament of the characters truly adds to the sense of urgency within the piece and the flashback scene was particularly well done. I think it's clear to see that your skills as a writer shine though in the use of descriptive language and the simplicity of the writing, which makes it easy and enjoyable to read. Within a few paragraphs the author introduced the character's relations with each other easily, showing the relevance of these relationships in the grand scheme of the plot.
All in all, I really enjoyed it, as the author leaves a bit of hope in this hopeless situation with the closing line.





Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson