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Zombies of Mariesville | Nine

by vampricone6783


*The ninth part of my story “Zombies of Mariesville”. It’s underneath my folder titled “Zombies of Mariesville”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*



Lying in a corner, feasting on rotting dear meat, was none other than her beloved, decaying…

Charles.

Her once lightly brown-skinned boyfriend with dark brown eyes was a mass of skin that had a greenish-tint and had milky white eyes, bits of brain matter and organs clinging desperately to his body.

Luisa swallowed down her disgust. He may have been a zombie, but he was still Charles.

She looked over at Oliver, who was beginning to hold onto her wrist even tighter.

“Oliver, go stand in the corner. I have to help Charles.” Luisa said.

Oliver looked up at her, his green eye going wide with pure terror. His other eye was still covered by the bandage, and Luisa wished desperately that she could give him a home, that she could give him good clothes and a family.

“What if he turns you into a zombie?” Oliver asked, his voice trembling as though it were on the edge of becoming intelligible.

“He won’t. He’s my boyfriend. I know him.” Luisa said.

Oliver very slowly, very reluctantly, let go of her wrist and backed away.

Looking at the way Charles was devouring the deer, at how he so relentlessly dug into its flesh, made her think of people that had no homes to go to, no place to stay, lost to all, even themselves.

Was he lost? Did she know him anymore? Did Charles even know who hewas anymore? Would it all be worth it?

Luisa took out the vivus plant that was sticking out of her jeans pocket.

There was only one way to find out.

Once she was close to him, she knelt down in front of Charles gently. He didn’t look at her, didn’t acknowledge her presence.

“Charles.” Luisa said.

No response. Only continued eating.

Though her hand was shaking, though she dreamed of running out of the twisted, forsaken house, she knew that there wasn’t much of anything left. The world was ending, and it all depended on what she would do next.

She reached out towards Charles’ face and lifted it up, a gesture she did back when he was himself.

Luisa could hear Oliver suck in his breath, as though anticipating a grisly end.

She didn’t let go.

Charles looked up at her. His eyes, though pupiless, seemed to stare directly at her, as though he were actually looking at her. His breathing was calmer, his hardly-there lips turned up into a smile, and he nestled his face closer to her hand.

He may not have fully remembered her, but his body did.

With her other hand, Luisa brought the vivus plant to his face, waving it in front of him like a human would with a cat.

He watched the plant steadily, carefully, and then…

He jumped up to bite into it, squeezing as many yellow, slimy pieces into his mouth as he could.

Luisa watched as his skin began to fade into its natural color, as more of his hair began to grow, as his organs molded back into his body.

Even as a zombie, he remembered her for a moment.

“Are you okay? Are Josette and Braden okay? Who is that kid? What is this place? Why am I here?” Charles asked once he gained full consciousness.

He rested his head on Luisa’s lap, closing his eyes gratefully. She gestured for Oliver to come over, and he did, hugging her arm close.

She brought Oliver into a hug with one arm while Charles lay on her lap. While staying in the room was peaceful, nothing would be peaceful for long.

“I’m okay. Josette and Braden are okay. Why we’re all in this house…that’s another story. You’ve got to get up. We’ve got to find the others. We’ve got to get the vivus plants. We’ve got to get out.” Luisa said.

Charles groaned wearily, closing his eyes. Oliver was resting himself closer to Luisa, breathing out shallowly, giving way to his depleted condition.

She wanted to sink into the floorboards and give up as much as them. She didn’t have any scars and she wasn’t abruptly brought back into being a human from a state of rot, but the time spent in the house was funneling within her, like the dust that encroached the house.

But she could not give up, and neither could they.

“I know it’s hard. I know that everything is starting to beat down on us, but we have to try. We have to get up. Just a few more things and then we’ll be done.” Luisa said brightly.

A part of her felt like she was lying to them, like she was resigning them to a fate of torment and blood. Another part of her felt like she was helping them see the light, find the way out.

Either way, a flicker of hope burst within her when Charles and Oliver got up from the ground.

“Watch out!” Ava’s voice cried out.

The door burst open with the same white-shock light that took Braden, the ear-splitting sound of a siren blasting in Luisa’s ears…

……………………………………………………

Helena burst forth, Jackson walking closely next to her, Josette and Braden being dragged in black, vein-like vines.

“Ava, my little devoted devil, you think that you can run from me?” Helena asked, laughing broadly as the vines tightened around Josette and Braden.

Luisa turned towards Ava, who was shivering in a corner, her frail body making her red eyes stand out more.

Suddenly, Luisa felt all of the doubt of Ava rise in bile within her and spill its way out of her throat:

“Where did you come from?! Why do you keep disappearing on me? I want to trust you, but all this time, you’ve been disappearing. Whose side are you on? Mine or Helena’s?”

Ava flinched from her words, and immediately, Luisa felt a rush of guilt. She looked so vulnerable, so close to death, and the tone of Luisa’s voice probably shocked her.

There had to be a good reason for her disappearing…right?

“Oh don’t worry, Luisa. She’s on your side. Or at least, she’s trying to be.” Helena said.

Luisa got up from the ground, trying to find the root of her powers. She must have had some form of power, or else why would she be cast into mismatched memories? Maybe she was a witch, but she would never know unless she found the root cause of her powers.

She couldn’t waste another second of listening to Helena’s words, but if only she could find the source of her powers! Inside of her was all muddied, all gray.

“Years ago, after her mother killed her and her father, I found her. I told her to kill her mother and she’d live forever as a demon. Now she’s trying to back out of it. She’s been trying to kill me this whole time, but she’ll never win, because she’s just a little girl. The only reason she was even able to kill her mother was because of me! I helped!” Helena cried out, casting an accusatory glance towards Ava.

Ava stood up straighter, gaining her resolve, staring at Helena evenly. It was the first time Luisa didn’t see the girl in an uncertain mood.

It brought the same glint of hope in her that she felt earlier.

“You didn’t tell me that you were going to lock me up. You didn’t tell me much of anything at all. You caught me at a vulnerable moment and used that to your advantage. You’re a demon not just in body, but in soul.” Ava said smoothly.

Luisa heard a hint of a rasp in her voice, as though her real decay were catching up to her, and caught a flicker of brown in her red eyes. The hope that she felt earlier was beginning to expand, threatening to choke her.

Jackson himself shifted uncomfortably, as though he were remembering something particularly unsavory, but then, he stood up stoically.

Was it too late to save Jackson?

Helena’s lips curled up into a snarl. She raised her claws up in the air, but then-

“Back off!” Marie’s voice shouted.

……………………………………………………

Luisa watched as Helena was flung to the wall, Marie taking careful, calculated steps in the room. Her lavender hair seemed to levitate around her, as though she had been electrocuted. Dark violet smoke surrounded Marie’s cloaked body.

“You think that you can kill me? Your magic has worn out. You may have trapped me in this house, but that was years ago. You’ve been nothing but-“

Helena was cut off by Ava pouncing on her, slashing through her skin, overcome by a frenzy of rage.

After Marie’s spell, Josette and Braden weren’t tied up anymore! They were freed!

Luisa felt her hope bulge. They were going to win! They were going to get out! They-

Helena tossed Ava aside as though she were nothing more than a fetus, Ava wincing from the impact.

It all began to happen in a whirlwind.

Marie was trying to choke Helena with her magic.

“Stop it! She’s going to help me save Elvis!” Jackson cried out, extending his hands out, green smoke exploding from it and throwing Marie against the wall next to Ava.

Charles was bringing Oliver into a protective hug.

Josette, Braden, and Marie were attempting to comfort Ava, but she brushed them off, on the edge of tears.

Helena was getting up.

Luisa still couldn’t find her own magic.

Was there any real way to escape?

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Tue Jul 30, 2024 5:21 am
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hi again, vampricone!! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, but I'm here now to continue reading and reviewing this wonderful story so far!

With each chapter you get better and better - your writing and storytelling is just getting so much more amazing with each new chapter, and it's kind of inspiring. In nine short chapters you've already improved exponentially. Especially your storytelling and descriptions - compared to the first chapter, you have a story that flows better and more smooth, and your descriptions capture the way things look and act so much better. It's a huge improvement and I hope you continue to grow in those areas.

Her once lightly brown-skinned boyfriend with dark brown eyes was a mass of skin that had a greenish-tint and had milky white eyes, bits of brain matter and organs clinging desperately to his body.

Descriptions! I was just talking about this! Not only, by the way, are these vivid and beautiful, it also establishes who exactly Charles is again. He hasn't been mentioned in a bit, and with so many characters it's easy to forget. But you establish who he is again and what situation his appearance is in - which is a zombie, at the moment.

She reached out towards Charles’ face and lifted it up, a gesture she did back when he was himself.

This is another example of descriptions, but in a different way. I can see your characters in this moment and I know exactly what you mean with their movements. The only suggestion I'd have here is - do more! Add more of these kinds of descriptions, maybe not everywhere or in as important places, but add more of these so we can see these characters and what they're doing! I once heard a really good piece of advice before that has to do with descriptions: let your characters interact with their environment! What does the environment look like and how does it behave, and what do characters do with what's around them? This can also help you know the characters better, too. For example, if someone is standing by themselves near a corner of the room with a lot of people, they're probably shy and aren't good with social interaction. If they're leaning against a door frame or wall, they might be laid back or bored.

He may not have fully remembered her, but his body did.

This is just so sweet, and it also shows a bit of, like, zombie lore? We know if you knew someone beforehand, that they might recognize you in some sense, and I love the way you phrased this as well. It's so beautifully done, and it kind of just makes you stop and think for a bit. I also loved the description of how he recognized her and acknowledged her presence.

“Are you okay? Are Josette and Braden okay? Who is that kid? What is this place? Why am I here?” Charles asked once he gained full consciousness.

With this, it felt a little rushed and out of place. With the cure being so important and no guarantee it would work (or maybe there was a guarantee? My memory fails me XD), you'd assume the moment where you see whether or not it works would be drawn out and made more important, but this isn't quite the case here. If you wanted to improve this, I might lengthen the time it takes for Charles to get cured or even for the vivus plant to start working. Maybe at first it seems like it isn't and Charles is going to be a zombie forever, which could give Luisa a sense of hopelessness. Once it does start working, you can add this victory to the hope motif you add a little later on in the story. Another thing you might do is drag out the conversation a bit - let Luisa have a chance to answer a few questions, or at least add a way she's trying to respond if Charles is simply talking too fast to allow answer. I guess in general, let the moment shine and have some time and space to become important within the story and in the reader's mind.

“Where did you come from?! Why do you keep disappearing on me? I want to trust you, but all this time, you’ve been disappearing. Whose side are you on? Mine or Helena’s?”

There's a similar problem here, but to a lesser extent. Just slowing down and giving big moments like these time to shine will really help create those intense moments that I think would add to the story and make it flow a little more.
On a different note, I really like the bit with Ava and the side she's trying to be on - as well as Helena's comment about it, especially the trying aspect. It creates a cool conflict on Ava's character and adds suspense and a little mystery - and also makes it a little less 2-dimensional. With the evil Helena and Jackson vs. good Marie and her friends, it can feel a little less realistic and 1 dimensional, but Ava bridges that gap, as well as the possibility of Jackson being redeemed.

Overall, you've improved so much, and the biggest problem I think was with pacing, but that honestly one of the hardest aspects and you've accomplished scenes with amazing pacing that are so lovely. (The scene with Luisa and Oliver coming upon Charles? *chef's kiss* Ah it was beautiful, and it was set up so perfectly. It flows so well, along with so many other things that make that scene in particular so great.)

Thanks for letting me tag along on this adventure so far, and I can't wait to see where it goes! See in the next chapter. ^^





The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality