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16+ Violence Mature Content

Rosalie’s story-Ghost House

by vampricone6783


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

*This is the origin of a character from story “Ghost House: part two”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

In the 1930s, there was a woman named Rosalie, who was happily married to a man named Anderson, with two children, Helen and John.

Helen was ever so curious of what was around her, ever so trusting of anyone she met. John, however, was more wary of people.

But he always followed Helen around, no matter what.

It worried Rosalie a lot. It kept her tossing and turning at night, wondering, worrying, if her children would survive in the real world.

........................................................................

It was on a bright Saturday when she found their beds empty, their sheets pushed back. Anderson was out for work, Rosalie was all alone.

All alone.

She slammed open the front door and called out their names, but no one came. Everyone else was minding their own business, leading their own lives. How could they not see how distressed she was? How could they just ignore her? How…

Of course! Alastor, her neighbor! He was always helpful!

Heart racing, Rosalie ran next door to his house.

…………………………………………………

“Hello?” Rosalie asked. The door was unlocked, she could just run in.

No one answered.

“Alastor? Are you here? I’m sorry to bother you, but I really need your help with finding my children…I lost..lost…”

Tears welled up in her eyes. How could Rosalie just lose them?  What kind of a mother was she? They were so safe in their beds, the house was locked.

What happened? Did they sneak out? Where would they go to? Were they still alive?

“You mean…the children I pushed off the bridge earlier?” A sweet voice asked from behind her.

A sweet voice she knew belonged to only one man.

“Alastor?”

A piercing stab of a knife seeping into her back, bleeding on her body.

It was…him? She thought, vision becoming distorted and blurred through the gauze of tears.


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Wed Jun 21, 2023 2:40 pm
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Myah06 wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to leave a quick review/comment. :)

I really like this short story! The fast pace adds to the tension Rosalie is feeling and the simple style reflects her feeling of confusion and distress, I can imagine how something as worrisome and losing your children would lead to ignoring all other details of life than what matters most, finding them.

I wish that, since this is such a short story, you wouldn't have broken it up so much and found a way to connect all the parts to have it flow better. For instance, the break in between her running to the neighbors and saying hello doesn't need a break because they're connected instances, but that could just be my personal preference.

Though, the little twist in this story actually kind of surprised me and left me wanting more answers, about Alastor and the kids. Overall this is a good setup for more stories regarding these characters.

Great Short! Keep on writing!~




vampricone6783 says...


I have an origin story for the kids if you want to check it out.



Myah06 says...


Yes, please! What's it called?



vampricone6783 says...


%u201CHelen and John%u2019s story-Ghost House%u201D



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Mon Jun 19, 2023 12:40 pm
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AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hola! This is Ina aka loveissourgrapes and I am back here to review another short story of yours. It would been better if you continue it with more chapters or other short stories.

"In the 1930s, there was a woman named Rosalie, who was happily married to a man named Anderson, with two children, Helen and John."

This is good for an introduction to introduce your characters and when the storyline set in, the 1930s. The main character; I believe, is Rosalie. She has a husband, Anderson and two children, Helen and John. It feels like those short story on newspapers.

"Helen was ever so curious of what was around her, ever so trusting of anyone she met. John, however, was more wary of people.

But he always followed Helen around, no matter what."

The next sentences describe the behavior of her children. It seems like Helen is more of the mature sibling than John. Maybe John is just a little boy. A suggestion is, you could describe more about their behavior to explain more.

"It worried Rosalie a lot. It kept her tossing and turning at night, wondering, worrying, if her children would survive in the real world."

On the other side, their mother, Rosalie, shows signs of fear about her children not excepting the real world. The real world may be also related to your other stories so it is understandable that she would fear for her children's safety. This is a good sentence because it got to describe a lot of emotions with a few words. I also noticed that you like putting italics in your stories to emphasize the important words.

"It was on a bright Saturday when she found their beds empty, their sheets pushed back. Anderson was out for work, Rosalie was all alone.

All alone."

How did her husband stay alive when her children are dead? Is he related to Alastor? Because her husband came off as unbothered about the children when he left for work. The italics of all alone was great too.

"She slammed open the front door and called out their names, but no one came. Everyone else was minding their own business, leading their own lives. How could they not see how distressed she was? How could they just ignore her? How…

Of course! Alastor, her neighbor! He was always helpful!

Heart racing, Rosalie ran next door to his house."

The first few sentences describes that Rosalie was making loud noises to find her children and get their attention. But they never gave an answer. And Rosalie's neighbors seems to be related to the one who killed her children. A suggestion is, you could remove the boarder line or periods because the last part seems very related to the second part. The action here was great. You can feel it is a fast-pacing moment.

“Hello?” Rosalie asked. The door was unlocked, she could just run in.

No one answered.

“Alastor? Are you here? I’m sorry to bother you, but I really need your help with finding my children…I lost..lost…”

Tears welled up in her eyes. How could Rosalie just lose them? What kind of a mother was she? They were so safe in their beds, the house was locked."

Since her neighbor's door was unlocked, you can feel like her neighbor has planned to murder Rosalie and her children.

"What happened? Did they sneak out? Where would they go to? Where they still alive?"

With this sentence, you can make it italics because it is like Rosalie's thoughts. Or you can make some words italics to emphasizes them especially if they are important for your storyline?

"“You mean…the children I pushed off the bridge earlier?” A sweet voice asked from behind her.

A sweet voice she knew belonged to only man.

“Alastor?”

A piercing stab of a knife seeping into her back, bleeding on her body.

It was…him? She thought, vision becoming distorted and blurred through the gauze of tears.'

This ending felt fast paced as well. Maybe you can add more dialogue of the killer, Alsator. And describe him more but don't reveal how he exactly looks like. Maybe his silhouette and more descriptions of his voice. The action is okay. It is good for ending if there is a continuation of the storyline.

Over all, you've got only minor mistakes and errors. But that's okay, you can fix that and work on that easily. The plot was great too. Keep on writing! Have a good day/night.




vampricone6783 says...


I%u2019ve got an origin story for the kids in case you want to check it out.



AkuRashomon says...


Okay! Can you tell me the title of the story so I can review/comment on it too?



vampricone6783 says...


%u201CHelen and John%u2019s story-Ghost House%u201D



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Mon Jun 19, 2023 11:56 am
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emilia9ludenberg wrote a review...



Hey,
I really enjoyed this novel chapter as it included nice, succinct sentences to heighten the already prevalent levels of tension. However, I think it could be made more clear precisely what the source of Rosalie's fear was- maybe in your next chapter or something.

Overall I enjoyed reading this, keep it up!




vampricone6783 says...


I have the origin story for the kids on my profile if you want to check it out.



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Mon Jun 19, 2023 4:29 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey vampricone, here to review your story!

It kept her tossing and turning at night, wondering, worrying, if her children would survive in the real world.


What was the source of Rosalie's fear? In the preceeding sentences it made it seem like the husband was the more worried one while Rosalie was just curious - what was she scared of, and what do you mean by "real world" are they secluded from the world in some way?

. Everyone else was minding their own business, leading their own lives. How could they not see how distressed she was? How could they just ignore her? How…

Doesn't sound like she has very caring neighbors - but also how would they have known to come if she wasn't yelling "help" but just yelling her children's names?

Where they still alive?

Where -> should be "Were"

“You mean…the children I pushed off the bridge earlier?” A sweet voice asked from behind her.

^ That was certainly a twist I wasn't expecting! How sinister and evil! :(

A piercing stab of a knife seeping into her back, bleeding on her body.

I think the phrasing of this sentence is a little off - maybe it should be, "She felt a piercing stab of a knife seeping into her back, and blood dripping down her body."

the gauze of tears.

I think you mean "gaze" or maybe "guise"?

Overall, I like the simple twist in the story, though it leaves so many more questions than answers - why were the parents fearful before any danger had presented itself? How did the kids get out? Why were they at the bridge? Why did Alastor push them and kill the mom? Good set-up for more stories I think.

Keep on writing!




vampricone6783 says...


I meant %u201Cgauze%u201D.

If you want to read the child%u2019s origin stories, read %u201CHelen and John%u2019s story-Ghost House%u201D.

Thank you for reviewing!




Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson