Clarifications.
Chapter 4
It has been two weeks since the incident. My hands healed faster than I thought they would and since yesterday I didn’t need to bandage them. That felt good.
I hadn’t had any troubles the last two weeks. They went pretty smoothly though I did have to struggle with eating, and for the first two days it wasn’t easy to shower but other than that, I didn’t have any troubles.
My notes were done by one of my classmates, Elena. She was in almost all my classes and was kind enough to help me out. Jade and Eric, my two best friends, helped me whenever I needed help and I got a leave from the badminton and football clubs for a month.
Apart from this, I didn’t see much of Frank. We met every day at breakfast and dinner and I saw a few glances of him at school but other than that… no. I was more than happy to not have him around. It would have been awkward anyway.
I got up from my bed and tidied it, pulling my hair into a bun. Then I took a shower. I decided not to go with anything too much today. No accessories except my watch and no makeup except my moisturizer and lip gloss.
I straightened my hair and did a French plate and hurried to my closet. I choose a floral shirt with elbow length sleeves and white pants. When I was satisfied with my look, I grabbed my light blue sneakers and my bag and headed downstairs.
I had to reach school early today since we were getting new schedules. This usually doesn’t happen but this time, due to some problem, they had to re make our schedules.
I rushed out of the house and decided walking wasn’t the best idea. I had to reach school early at any cost and I wasn’t going to take any chances. Plus I felt lazy. I walked back inside and searched the house for Angel. I found her in the living room, cleaning.
The living room was as beautiful as every other room in this house and even more colorful than my room. There was a glass wall on the right side which showed the beautiful garden outside. The other walls were painted plain white. There was a bright colorful sofa set and many pictures hanged on two of the walls that had, again, colorful frames. When I said this room was more colorful than mine, I wasn’t kidding. There was a large LCD TV set on the wall facing the sofa set.
Angel greeted me as I entered the living room. “Angel I need a ride today, can I borrow your car… and your driver? I didn’t get my license yet so I don’t have my own car, my driver’s on vacation until my mom comes back and well…”
She cut my rambling laughing “I don’t have a driver hun. But Mason can drop you” she smiled at me cheekily
“Mason?” I asked confused (pronounced as mai-son)
“He is Frank’s friend and our neighbor. I bet he still might be sleeping, I know him since birth and well, he cannot be considered as an early riser” and she laughed while I just smiled at her.
“But are you sure it won’t be much of a trouble for him? He doesn’t even know me” I asked. The last I needed was to some person scowling at me.
“Oh! No no, don’t worry. He won’t mind” She said and rushed outside telling me she would call him and when he arrives, inform me.
After a few minutes Angel informed me he had arrived. I rushed outside and saw a guy coming out of a McLaren MP4-12C spider. Impressive, not that impressive though.
He had big blue eyes and a pale face. His nose was so perfect that I kind of felt jealous of it.
He wore a black velvet jacket on top of a plain white V-neck shirt with tight black jeans. He was well built and looked almost 6 foot. After looking at him the only word that came in my mind was ‘football player’
Okay, two words but whatever.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not just guess that he is a footballer because of his looks. I know he is one. He is in our school’s varsity team and quite famous. I am not that observant thus it took me a few minutes to make that out.
He came towards me and asked “And what might be the name of this beauty?” Of course he didn’t know my name. I am not what you call popular at school nor am I a loner. I am somewhere in the middle. I have my large group of friends and I don’t mind socializing with anyone. It’s just that I am not good in any sports but racing, pretty average in academics, least interest in cheerleading and I am not a slut thus making me hang in the middle.
“Suzan” I replied.
He smiled, showing a deep dimple on his right cheek “My name’s Mason. I live next door and it’s a pleasure to meet you. I have seen you around at school but never got an opportunity to ask your name”
I smiled in return and shook his hand “Thanks for agreeing to give me a ride” I said as we headed towards his car.
“No big” He said Shrugging.
The whole way we spoke about random things like what he did and what frank usually did, how they became best friends, etc. I never mentioned about the incident last year and was thankful he didn’t either.
After parking the car in the parking lot of our college, we both got out of the car. Many eyes were on us as we walked together to take our schedules. I kind of expected that. He was a very popular guy at school s obviously people will want to know everything about him.
“Agh! I have chemistry first period” I said or you can say, shouted. Chemistry is that one subject I couldn’t bear. It is all about mugging up and I absolutely hate that. Also, you can say I don’t have the most er… bearable? Teacher for it.
He chuckled “I have gym”
“What the hell? Gym? That’s… I hate you” It wasn’t weird how easily we became friends. It was never hard for me to make friends and be very free with anyone.
“Hey! It’s not my fault my schedule is so awesome. Awesome people get awesome schedules” he laughed then winked and left after dropping me to class. I had asked him not to but he insisted.
The class had already started, as I entered I tried to mend in but that was impossible. With my oh so lovely teacher standing right in front of me it had to be impossible. Note. The. Sarcasm.
“And what makes you come late on this horrible day Miss. Richards” said she. So she was having one of those days again. The days where she made our lives more miserable than they already were.
“I had trouble finding my medicine and I couldn’t come without taking it, obviously or else I would have to see these scars on my hands for my whole life” I said creating an excuse which more or less sounded true. I had to lie, no choice. It was Mrs. LamewomanwhoIabsolutelyhate
Just kidding, her name is Mrs. Alena.
But she is a very lame person and I do absolutely hate her.
She never left a chance to insult me, mylife’s devil. She has been my CT since 4 years now and got promoted with me every year. This is what actually bad luck is.
“Go and sit Miss. Richards, today is your lucky day”
All I could do was bulge my eyes out by staring, there was no place empty except one and guess what? Of course it was beside Frank... he is in my class too and today I will have to sit with him... I groaned. First Chemistry, and then sitting beside Frank? Could this day get any worse? I mean come on!
I placed my bag down and sat near Frank. If this hadn’t been the only place left, I would have never sat here.
After around 5 mins, I heard tapping of a pen or pencil from beside me. I glared at Frank but he didn’t stop. He kept on tapping the pencil on the desk. I mean I get it, the class is boring but that doesn’t mean he has the right to annoy people!
“Frank” I whisper yelled “Stop it”
You can guess what happened next. He didn’t stop!
I got angry after a few seconds and grabbed his pencil and threw it in the opposite direction. He smirked. The nerve of this guy!
After a few seconds of silence I heard tapping again. Now he had a pen in his hand. I looked at him and could clearly make out the smile he was trying to hide.
“Frank!”
“Hi there” he said innocently
“Will you stop?” I asked angrily.
“No?” He said. He smirked
“Stop acting childish Frank” I warned Frank but was he to listen, No. He is just apain…
“I guess Jade was right, you do really like me”
“What the hell? Where did that come from?” I whisper yelled.
“Now is that how you speak to your crush?”
“Frank!”
“It’s okay to like me…”
“I do not like you!” I said but then I could feel all eyes on us…more specifically on ME. So… I probably shouted…
“Miss. Richards” Busted… “Out. Now!” Sure, I would love that “I will get you later” I whispered to Frank while he laughed at me and I started to walk out of the class.
“You too Frank” , Alena shouted …he grinned and picked up his bag, this time I smiled and we both stepped out of the class.
“Look what you did” he complained as soon as we were out.
“What I did? You were the one who was acting all…”
“Stuck? Should I help Miss. Crybaby with vocabulary too now?”
I stepped on his foot. Hard.
“Ouch” he complained again
“Zip it, I am real irritated right now” I said
He chuckled. Yeah sure laugh all you want. This will be your last.
For an hour or so we stood there. Yeah I know, we could have left but in my school you can’t skip on punishments…out of class means to ‘stand’ out of the class for the whole time. I was scrolling through my mobile,messages, notifications…come on something when I suddenly got one. Finally…
“Sorry Suzan, couldn’t come to school today, there was something up athome” Great… I hate it when one of my best friend is absent. That makes the whole day go slower! Now who do I go and nag about Frank too? She is my only close girlfriend! “But we still meet at my house at 8, the party preparations are still going on so if you come early, you do the work XD…” Jade was having her 18th birthday party today. Though her birthday was last week, she wanted to celebrate it a week later.
Weird? Not really.
Her childhood sweetheart is coming today and well, she wanted her 18th birthday celebration with him.
“and Suzan I bet you want to check the link below” There was a link to some facebook page “You are going to freak out after seeing this…and the same post is on twitter too, please tell me this is just something Sam made up”
I finished reading the message and groaned. Sam…Of course… that woman is a real pain in my life. Ever since kinder-garden she has always been embarrassing me. My life’s misery…She’s as Immature as a 2 year old. Dark brown hair covered her forehead and she had light brown eyes which made her face look innocent (though she wasn’t even close to it).
“SUZAN CONFESSES TO FRANK!!!! SUCH A DESPO SLUT!!” Wondering why I wrote that in Caps? Because it was written in freaking caps! IS this even grammatically correct?
And there was a photo of me and Frank below…
What the…
I said I didn’t like him! She is so dead! I looked at frank and figured he was staring at me too.
He laughed. He freaking laughed. And he almost fell laughing. I knew he had seen it too, his expression clearly showed it. I stamped my foot and folded my hands. He laughed even harder after looking at me.
‘Despo’ he mouthed and laughed louder ‘slut?’
Yes. Very funny. Note the sarcasm.
I wasn’t really surprised how fast the news had spread though… There were already 248 comments on the post and 498 likes and it had only been 10 mins yet. I read some of the totally ‘absurd’ comments, they were all like
“I knew she liked him”
“She is just another cunning fox who wants more attention”
“Frank always spoke about her”
“The angry birds finally became love birds LOL”
“Franks smiling at her, means he likes her too. Ah! How can he like such a freak?”
Hey! I am not a freak!
I kept reading the comments while he on the other hand was solving some math’s problem which basically I couldn’t understand. There was an awkward silence after that which I more or less expected.
The bell rang and everyone got out except Sam and Mrs. Alena. They both kept talking and finally stepped out of the class.
“Suzan you will be cleaning the auditorium today, that’s your punishment for your reckless behavior” Mrs. Lamer said and Sam smirked. ‘Sam you are dead’, I mouthed to her. “Frank, you too” She said handing both of us two yellow slips. Frank scowled and headed towards his next class and so did I.
My school has 3 detention levels, the first one is just sitting in the class after school for a particular number of hours. The second level is taking 5 rounds of the ground and to tell you the truth, it’s tough as our ground is huge, and when I say huge I mean really really big. And finally the third type which is what I have got, cleaning the auditorium. The Audi was much much bigger than the ground. I mean cleaning an auditorium is alright but cleaning an Audi in which more than twenty thousandpeoplecan fit including a hundred teachers as comfortable-ly as possible is...umm…like breaking your own bones with your hands maybe?
Mrs. Alena hated me. Like I told you before and obviously she gave me the third detention. I was more than thankful that Frank was going to be there too because otherwise this would have been even worse.
The auditorium had a of stadium look; I mean the way the chairs were arranged. There was a big empty ground in the middle and chairs arranged on both the sides. A highly built stage was exactly in front of the entrance door. I entered through the back door as the front one was huge and probably locked up by now.
“You’re late” Alena informed me as I entered. Frank was standing just behind her. “Anyways I will check on both of you after a few hours so get working, I hope you have a miserable time” She said smiling and then left. Even if she wouldn’t have said that I knew we would have a miserable time.
“So, how do we clean this place” I asked
“I don’t know” he replied
“hmm, should we check thestore roomout? I think we can find something in there”
“Yeah, probably”
We entered the store room, both together and started going through stuff. This was useless, at least Alena should have given some instructions before going, Ah! I found pipes and brooms but the Audi didn’t need broom-ing, it just needed to be moped as we saw it and there were no mops around and what could we possibly do with pipes?
No wonder why people usually become so goodie goodie in front of teachers after getting this punishment. A bathroom was also there near theemergency exit.
Finally Frank found some mops. We started cleaning and in a matter of 5 hours we were all done. I fell Flat on the Auditorium’s ground and rested while Frank put the mops back in position.
“Alena will come after 10-15 mins” Frank said sitting beside me. He looked all tired to and not to mention all sweaty
“Hmm, great. I just want to gohomeand get a bath now” I replied and closed my eyes for a while. This was the worst punishment anyone could ever give. I never knew that cleaning was so hard.
And… what the heck. I felt a few water droplets fall on my face and before I knew it I could feel a gallon of water falling all over me. “FRANK” I shouted as he kept on spraying the water over me. “STOP IT” and I tried to get up and run but slipped. He laughed, and kept on doing it.
“Serves you right” he taunted and stopped spraying water “don’t look at me like that, you said you wanted to take a bath anyways” and after saying this he started splashing water again. I took steps back as he did and when finally he stopped I kicked the dustbin back of me and it fell. Yikes, all of the garbage fell down and was scattered.
Anyways, as Frank left the pipe I walked fast towards it and grabbed it, ‘Frank Collins you are so dead’ I muttered and started the pipe again. Frank ran over only to the grab the pipe but he was unsuccessful, the pipe was between both of us. Me pulling it from my right hand and Frank from his left. The water splashed over us as I stared at him and for one moment I actually thought he was hot. Get your mind straight Suzan…
“What on earthis going on here” I heard Mrs. Alena shout from behind me making me cringe and drop my hold on the pipe.
Frank let go of the pipe and I turned it Off quickly. When I looked around this is what I saw : Wet curtains, Auditorium flooded (water till above my foot), Garbage all wet on the other side, seats all wet too and most of all- all the charts and displays were wet. Frank looked at me after my observations were over. I knew exactly what he was thinking. BUSTED, AGAIN!
“Both of you, out NOW and be sure to bring your parents tomorrow and meet me in the principal’s office” she shouted. I saw Frank going to the store room and bringing his Jacket out. Then we both left. As soon as we were out we both started laughing. Though the pain was in my whole body I still couldn’t help but laugh. I high fived him for no reason and then he stopped laughing as he looked at me. Did I do something wrong? What now?
“Umm…My jacket…I think you need it” He said handing his Jacket to me. I looked at him confused though I soon realized why he had said that, I looked down at my shirt, Oh!. This is embarrassing. Very embarrassing. He must have noticed it. I quickly grabbed his Jacket, wearing it instantly on my now-see throughwhite shirt. I buttoned it up and saw him laughing.
After 5 minutes of complete silence I said trying to start a conversation “So…You still angry on me?” Okay Suzan, time to clear things out.
“For what?” He asked, he sounded confused but I couldn’t decide whether he was playing dumb or was for real, confused.
“You know, for what I did that day in the cafeteria” before he could speak I continued “It was a dare and I never thought everyone would…”
“I am not” He replied cutting me off.
“I know it was wrong. I swear I didn’t…”
Wait… Did he just say what he just said?
“You are not? How on earth are you not mad at me? You are supposed to! Not that I want you to but I thought you would be because anyone would…”
“Suzan stop. I was never angry on you” Crap, why did he ignore me then “though I wouldn’t say the same for you getting me in trouble every time we meet”
“I do not” I said in defense
“So do”
“Oh! really”
“Yes really”
“It’s not my fault you’re such a… per-son who always gets himself into trouble and blames it on other” So much for clearing things up…
“I am such a per-son?” He laughed. AndI shivered. Probably because of how cold it was. “Please Suze, even you know that it’s always you’re fault” he smirked, what is wrong with him?
“It is not, this time you started the water fight”
“I am going to go home, want to come along” he asked waving to a Taxi and probably trying to change the topic
“Yes but it isn’t my fault”
“What isn’t your fault Suze?” he asked playfully
“Aghh! First of all don’t call me Suze and second you were the reason why I had shouted in the class and you started the whole water fight because of which the whole Damn auditorium was this horrifying so it was YOUR FAULT not mine” I shouted at him as annoyed as ever.
“Let’s go then” he paused after saying this for a second or two and then smirked and said “SUZE”
No way is he calling me that, only one person in this world could call me that and that wasn’t Frank for sure…
“HEY! STOP.CALLING.ME.THAT”
“Sure Suze, whatever you say”
You might be wondering why I was getting pissed by him calling me that, right? Well By calling me Suze he didn’t actually mean ‘lily’ as the name’s meaning is. Suze is a French brand of bitters flavored with the roots of the plant gentian, normally drunk as an aperitif. And now how I knew it…I learned that today while standing outside and obviously he meant it that way. Agh, stupid, stupid jerk.
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I cant wait to read more. Once again I love your writing style. I do agree, however, that you should change the title. Ot takes away from your story. Even though its a minor thing, make sure you check your spelling and grammar. Other than that your writing is flawless. I hope you continue to write because I really enjoy reading your story.
Before You Read This Review:
And I will pick this apart xD
I'm very opinionated and straight forward. Nothing personal, I swear
First Impression:
So, the title. "Love"? That's so cliche. I think you should probably change it. If I saw this book on the shelf I wouldn't buy it because the title sounds so childish. I know they say to not judge a book by it's cover, but let's be honest, we all do. So more thought into the title, ja?
Concerns:
"I hadn’t had any troubles the last two weeks. They went pretty smoothly though I did have to struggle with eating, and for the first two days it wasn’t easy to shower but other than that, I didn’t have any troubles."
Troubles is used twice and I think you can use a stronger word than stronger.
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/troubles
"We met every day at breakfast and dinner and I saw a few glances of him at school but other than that… no."
How about nada? Nothing? Zilch? No isn't grammatically correct.
Okay, I won't sit here forever trying to find everything you made a mistake on.
This needs some definite editing. Read it out loud and you'll catch a lot of your mistakes. Like scintillating said below, you use "I" a lot and you repeat words. Just look out for that!
Other than that good job and keep up the work!
Okay, so I thought this was good. Then after reading a few paragraphs, this immediately stuck out to me--the repetition of the word "I." Honestly, when you use "I" at the beginning of sentences and paragraphs too much it gets annoying. As a reader, you don't really pick up the author's mistakes, but even if you're not a critic, it'll start getting obvious and will eventually start to irk them as well. You have potential, I know that. So be creative and smart about it, mix it up. Just because she's taking action for something doesn't mean that every sentence or paragraph has to start with the word "I."

There are plenty of other ways to start a sentence or paragraph without the first word being "I," yet you can still pretty much say the same thing except in a different way.
For example: Walking over to the refrigerator, I wrapped my fingers around the handle and pulled it open. I searched for something good to eat for my stomach was gnawing and growling like an angry beast. When I had finally found something decent, I shut the refrigerator.
Instead of: I walked over to the refrigerator and opened it. I looked for something to eat. I grabbed an apple and shut the refrigerator.
See the difference between those two? When you use "I" like that, it gets boring and annoying. Spice it up. I know that you can do it.
Another thing that bothered me was the way you wrote dialogue. You aren't writing it correctly. Make sure you are adding a comma before the last quotation mark.
For example (correct way): "Hey," I greeted, waving at Jack with a wide grin on my face.
Wrong way: "Hey" I greeted.
Another way you can write dialogue as well: Waving at Jack, I grinned and exclaimed, "Hey!"
You can put the action first then the dialogue ending and then the actual dialogue. But remember! COMMA!
For dialogue, you also use a lot of one liners. Make sure to not use them so much. Every once in awhile it is okay, but not all the time. Especially towards the end with this chapter, you tend to use a lot of one liners, and if their names weren't being used, the readers would have lost track at who was talking by then. So what I am trying to say is, add some dialogue endings to it, such as: said, yelled, screeched, whispered, etc.
Another thing as well, add more description and action before your dialogue. You don't want every paragraph starting with just dialogue. Add a bit of action before it sometimes as well.
So work on mixing up your sentences so you don't use "I" so much, write your dialogue correctly, don't use so many one liners, and add more action and description. Otherwise, this chapter was great. I'm sure if I hadn't started critiquing stories I would have enjoyed this more.
This was still really great though. Good luck with the rest of the story! And hopefully I didn't bash your story too badly, because that wasn't what I had intended to do if I did. I just want to help you grow as a writer.