Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
The room is dark, but some source of light allows me to see the glint of steel and the shine of leather. My limbs are bound I can't feel anything clothing my body. Anyone else would have panicked, but I didn't. Even though I didn't know where I was, I was able hold myself together. My eyes began to survey the bonds on my wrists and ankles. However, before I managed to figure out what bound me, a door opened, spilling blinding light into the room. I didn't understand why, but every thread of my body was pulled taut with terror. Whoever had opened the door was someone to be feared.
In the blink of an eye, a whip lashed out from the blinding light and I awoke. The sheets were pulled tightly around my body and I found that I wasn't wearing my shirt anymore. I groaned and searched the dorm room for any other inhabitants. It wasn't entirely abnormal for me to shed my shirt or pants in the night. I had attributed it to overheating. Still, I don't think it was very comfortable for my dorm mates when I would get out of bed without a shirt. Veritably that was because I was rather well endowed and my mates couldn't help but get all bothered by my body.
Without a doubt, I exemplified the physical attributes of Scorpio. The others were Scorpios as well, but they best suited other signs, whereas I seemed to have been born for the position as Head of my sign.
Still, the dream shook me. I knew why I'd had it, and it brought me back to reality. I had been informed early in the week that I was to take Selection early as I had so much potential to replace the Head of Scorpio. However, we had the worst Selection, the highest dropout rate, and the lowest number of students taking the test. During Selection, other signs would lose their memories, or lose a loved one, and Capricorns even got to take LSD (supposedly to lose control which they hate, but their high number of students taking the test say to me otherwise).
Scorpios would be sexually abused in any degree the proctors thought were appropriate for student. Of course, it would be "safe." The proctors would be able to bail out a student if they needed it. But the point was to give the possible successors a taste of what their followers might experience.
It was the job of Scorpios to protect those who were sexually abused, so it made sense to make sure that the contenders understood, empathized, and could handle the people they were helping. However, most Scorpios either didn't want to risk themselves, or would crumble after the fact.
I didn't know which I would be, but I was running out of time to prepare myself. I was sure that with the quite appealing nature of my body, I'd find myself in a far more intense predicament. However, there was always the hope to grow from the experience. After all, I'd heard stories about Octavian, the current head of Scorpio, ending his Selection early by turning the tables and forcing his aggressors back. I would do that. At any cost, I would turn the tables. I wanted to succeed.
I pulled on a new shirt, fresh underwear, and pants, before looking myself in the mirror. From head to toe, I was black. My pants were leather. My underwear was peaking out of the top of my pants with a flash of red. I didn't bother with fixing it. My shirt was plain black. The only finishing touch would be a silver necklace that could accent the expanse of chest that I was showing. I took it upon myself to show off my body when I could. After all, Scorpio was the sign of sex and it was only appropriate for someone like myself to show off. A fitting expression would be "if you got it, flaunt it."
After snapping a silver cross necklace around my neck, I messed up my hair and headed for the door. I barely bothered with my makeup. I would sleep in my eyeliner and I quite liked the smudged look it gave me.
No one was in the hall outside of my dorm. I must have woken up late. No one in my dorm dared to wake me up anymore. One time, someone tapped me in my sleep and I punched them, then proceeded to beat them into the carpet in a blind and sleepless rage.
My feet carried me toward the academy building. I didn't know what period it was, so if I didn't immediately find out, I'd probably just head into town and avoid boring lectures for a day. I slipped into the building and began wandering through the halls. I didn't need to walk for very long before I found a lost soul.
It was Alamante, a Gemini. He had already been through Selection and had come out with the knowledge that he'd be the next Head of Gemini. He had also come out with several stitches through his lips, sealing his mouth shut. Most Geminis chose to take their stitches out, but he kept them as a symbol of his success and his pride in his sign. I was one of the few people who could sign with him. Most people made fun of him and since he signed, and they instantly assumed that he was deaf, they would gossip about him very loudly.
Apparently there was this deal about him hooking up with a Scorpio floosy for a night and she'd been with just about everyone. They kept saying she was a skank and that he was desperate and a loser for going for someone so easy. They were vomiting blood for a week after I was done with them. Ever since then, Alamante and I had been best friends.
"[What are you doing out here? Skipping?]" I signed to him. He smiled smally. Any larger smile would hurt him.
"[I woke up late. Same with you?]” he asked. I nodded and I could feel my eyes light.
"[Wanna go into town with me? We could probably get hooked up with anything from that Leo girl with the gang.]” He exhaled a sharp breath and smiled, eyes alight with mischief as well. He was best friends with depression, and he quite enjoyed toying with me in town. He lost all sorts of virginity with me as his guide out there. He tasted his first alcohol, his first cigarette, his first hooker... He loved the nightlife too, and if you could pull the right strings, you could stay out till ungodly hours.
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Ryu here for a review!
This is a very detailed and a very good chapter. It does lack a little imagery in some spots, but it works well with the rest of it. I mean, it is refreshing to know that some people still have this skill even after video games, rap, and all these other things that make people forget about booka. I don't know why I'm still reviewing, I mean the reviewing day is about over, and I may have time to send this and I am typing really fast.
In conclusion you need to keep writing, and I will keep an eye out for your future stuff, because I did like this. Thanks for the read.
Sincerily,
Ryu
Hey!

So, I think that this is a really interesting concept for a novel and I think that you're going to have a lot of fun writing it come November. The concept, to me, feels like a classic dystopian story, but still, with a unique concept that will set it apart from the rest of the other stories out there. I've actually been rereading Scott Westerfeld's Uglies (a wonderful and underrated book if you haven't read it- the dystopian world in that is great). In other books, you see a lot of repression of emotion and feeling, and here, everything seems to be on overdrive.
It's hard for me to speak to the two main characters of this considering that this is only a small sample, and that things would happen to them that would change their world views considerably. Anyway, it was also a little hard for me to follow other things that were going on during this piece so I can't otherwise comment on the world itself. There's a lot of info dumping especially in regards to what the Scorpios are -- in the novel itself, I would suggest revealing things gradually, especially if it's going to be in first person because you don't want your main character to narrate things she already knows.
But I do like this. Best of luck, and feel free to shoot me a message if you have any questions!
Cool! Thank you so much! I'll make sure to reveal things more gradually. I was just kinda having issues expressing the world in this pilot because it's so short. Thank you.
Well, I read through it, a bit confused, but I think I got a general understanding of it. The story being a focus on this academy that embodies the attributes of the sun sign, if I get that. And the story is about this girl who is going about this place, and makes a friend with a Gemini. It really isn't a lot to go on, but I can offer a bit of criticism at the same time.
The writing for the most part is fine, but I have a few weird problems with it. I don't very much really get the entire symbolization between each sun symbol, such as a Gemini having their mouth sewn shut and them being deaf. I just found it odd how each one of these symbols were corresponding with each other, and how some parts of these would be considered a goal of leadership when it comes to embodying a sign.
Like, when it comes down to it, what does a Gemini even do? We're told about Geminis, but I have no reason to even care about them, since I have no idea what they do in the grand scheme of this establishment except for having their mouth sewn shut. The Scorpion symbol is exemplified and explained, but I feel like it takes prominence over the other people at the same time. Of course, this is a coming of age story, and a test, but the test I feel could have had a bit more in it as for one to understand it easier.
After that, a few weird formatting issues and some grammatical errors.
"" I signed to him.
I'm not sure why these spots are blank? There's no dialogue, so i'm not sure why its there.
"” He exhaled a sharp breath and smiled, eyes alight with mischief as well. He was best friends with depression, and he quite enjoyed toying with me in town. He lost all sorts of virginity with me as his guide out there. He tasted his first alcohol, his first cigarette, his first hooker... He loved the nightlife too, and if you could pull the right strings, you could stay out till ungodly hours.
Again, the weird "" thing, not sure why its there, but I presume its just an error. The whole paragraph after that is just very weird in several ways. Reading it just feels very odd, like the words shouldn't be in the order that they are, such as "He tasted his first alcohol," ect. Just sounds VERY odd when reading it, like it doesn't make sense. I feel like it could have been explained as "With him, we both had our first beer, our first cigarette, and he his first prostitute."
Then, one other thing
with a Scorpio floosy for a night and she'd been with, like, everyone
Don't do that! Don't put like in a sentence like its a conversation piece, when its a line of descriptive! Thats something that I felt stuck out like a sore thumb. When you use like like that, it breaks the flow, since you're not even sure if its narrative or descriptive after that.
Except for that, its really not that bad, it just needs more description really.
Thank you. The quotes shouldn't have been empty. They have text, but I had brackets around them to show that they were in sign language so I don't have to mention it every time.
I'm glad that you pointed out the symbolism that you missed out. There are meanings for everything in here, and there are answers to your questions, but they'll be explained later. You pointed them out though, so I'll make sure when I write the actual thing, I'll be sure to explain them fully.
In response to your critique of that one paragraph confused me. I don't know what you mean. Could you please explain further?