She was afraid of me. She was there, staring right at me, big blue eyes wide with fear. Her frail hands gripped tight onto the gun that she held. I watched it tremble in her hands as she pointed it at me. I had no reaction. My blank eyes only watched the weapon without a second thought. My lips struggled to form words.
“Ah…” I groaned out, reaching for her. She backed up frantically, gun still pointing at me. Her thin, quivering lips let loose the words, “Get away! Monster!” I cocked my head- slowly- in confusion. Monster? Was I a monster?
“Aye…” I was beginning to get thoroughly frustrated with my mouth and tongue. Could they not just let my words out? They were sluggish and my tongue felt like lead. My hands reached out for her, fingers raking the air for her shoulders to pull her into my arms. She yelped and jumped back.
“Stay back!” She ordered, thrusting the gun forward in warning. It was uncertain if she would pull the trigger, but for a moment, I nearly forgot what, exactly, a gun did.
“I…” I finally moaned out, my heavy lips coming to form a smile of triumph. The word had come from my mouth at long last. One down, two to go. She stopped for a moment, cocking her head in confusion. Was she confused as to why I was able to talk? She could speak fine, so why was my speech bothering her? I was the same as her, after all, right? Wasn’t I?
“Uh… Lll…” I continued trying, trying to lift my lead tongue to the roof of my mouth to make the sound. “Lllluh.. vv.” I bit my lip to make the next sound. “Vvv… Llluuhvv…”
“No!” She cried out quickly, thrusting the gun to my chest and letting her finger snap that piece of metal back. The force of the bullet hitting my chest threw me to the ground. There was no blood, but there was a hole in my chest and it burned faintly. The shaking gun was brought from my chest to my head. That was the only way to kill something like me… That’s right… Something like me…
“I lluuhvv ya.” I told her, before everything went dark.
---
I stared down at the decaying corpse before me. His eyes had only moments before held the same light as they had when I knew him. Flesh laced his teeth and blood stained his clothing. He couldn’t have been speaking. It was too painful to listen to. I couldn’t listen to those words from him any more. It wasn’t him any more. It couldn’t have been him that devoured Ivory, or Lars, though I had watched him do so.
This wasn’t Grayson.
My Grayson had died. This was a monster. This was a zombie, not my fiancee.
It didn’t matter anymore. And I was alone now.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there, friend! Kekai here to review your story. I remember reading this forever ago, haha. I'm glad you've picked it up again. I always love angst-y zombie stories, especially when one lover has to kill another. So much emotion! Onto more criticism:
“She was there, staring right at me, big blue eyes wide with fear. She was afraid of me.” I feel like the beginning of the story would be a lot more hooking if you switched these two sentences out.
“Monster? I? Was I a monster?” I would cut the “I?” in the middle here.
“Could they not obey and just let my words out?” I think that “Could they not just let my words out?” or “Could they not just obey?” might be more effective and less muddy here.
“What would happen to me when her finger pulled the trigger?” This seems unnecessary, considering you just said he couldn’t remember what happened when she pulled the trigger.
“This wasn’t my Grayson.” I would cut the “my” here.
“Both the monster and my fiancee were dead.” I would cut this whole sentence. We can obviously see that, and it’s more effective for the ending.
In all, this is a pretty hooking story. I really love the second part from the girl's perspective, a lot more than from the guy's. I would suggest, though this may just be my preference, making the whole thing from the girl's perspective. I felt like your voice with her was a lot stronger than with his.
Also, I'd love if you made this longer, maybe even making this the introduction, and then going back to the beginning. I'd love to get to know all these characters more, and that way I would empathize more when Grayson died.
In all, great job! Keep up the good work!
Hello Ulala8!
Happy happy Review Day! This is Magenta here, stopping by to write a quick review on your short story, What Are We Gonna Do? which you have recently submitted to the site. I see that you are on the other team, well, that's not good. But we're still friends, right? Just kidding. Anyway, just a few comments to make.
"“Ah…” I groaned out, reaching for her."
I don't think that you should have an ellipsis here, after "Ah". It just seems awkward with the dialogue, with what she is saying. Perhaps just have a comma here.
"Monster? I? Was I a monster?"
I think that you should change the "I" here to a "Me". What do you think? Then it would be,"Monster? Me? Was I a monster?" It might sound weird, but that's what I thought it should be.
"It was uncertain if she would pull the trigger, but for a moment, I nearly forgot what, exactly, a gun did. "
You don't need a comma before "exactly". I think that you should change the "It was uncertain" part, The word "uncertain" here just gets to me for some reason.
Other than those few things, great short story and keep on writing!
~ Magenta
Hi Raven here,
*“get away! Monster!”* I am pretty sure that the *get* in "get away" is supposed to be capitalized.
*I told her before darkness.* I would prefer 'I told her, then everything went dark.' Then again, that is my writing style.
Your story is wonderfully descriptive, I could almost see the scene.
Keep on writing,
Raven.
I liked it.
Happy Review Day!
First of all, I loved the idea. I haven't read something like this before. The story itself is fresh. Also, the narration is pretty good. It holds your attention. Their are some minor hiccups, but some of your earlier reviewers have already pointed it out.
The words used are fine and narration is gripping, so is the climax. But the biggest strength of the story is its novelty. With such a out of box plot, I didn't even bother about any typos.
Keep Writing! Well Done!