It was a chrome world filled with perfection.
The sun was a bulb that would never burn out.
It held beings so perfect and brimmed with affection.
Yet there was one whose heart seemed to shout,
“With love and affection, perfection we cherish,
So much that we forget our sorrow.
For without our strife, our success will perish,
And the more meaningless the time that we borrow.”
Our silver hearts could not beat for our pains,
And our circuits could not fathom its gains.
There was hope for the silver souls of ours,
For there was one that could feel in infinite hues.
But she dwelled in the sanctuary of her towers,
Fearing escape and the horrors that’d ensue.
So the life that the chrome world so needed,
Was kept, out of fear, from the people so starved,
Of the feelings of hate and disgust that so seeded,
Their dreams and their minds like images, carved.
Yet still she hid, fearing the people below,
Trapped in endless horrors ‘which she did not know.
But the people, with fingers all rusted and red,
They clawed at her door and cried to her chamber,
Pleading for the feelings of which she once said,
That they lacked like a dead fire’s ember.
With visible panic pouring from her eyes,
The people came upon her and stole her away.
They took her and razed her and called her a prize,
Which gave them feelings that saved them from grey.
The people of metal, they could not handle,
The power the emotions held over them.
They shouted and cried as if this were a scandal
Yet they coveted her as some private gem.
“The feeling she gives us lets us know,
That through steel a soul still does yet flow.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there, friend! Kekai, here to review your first ever poem on Young Writer's Society! I think that you've done a great job with this. I really like the story you've told with this. We live in a world of cookie-cutter people, and when people come along that break the mold, they're either loved or hated, or both. I think you conveyed this story excellently through the poem.
Your imagery was also fantastic. My favorite lines were: "Our silver hearts could not beat for our pains, and our circuits could not fathom its gains." and "There was hope for the silver souls of ours, for there was one that could feel in infinite hues." These really convey a lot of feeling. I also appreciate your variety in vocabulary.
Onto more constructive things; I feel like, at times, this poem was a bit heavy-handed when it came to phrasing and wording. By that, I mean that you could have simplified phrases so that not only did they come across more clearly, but they also rhymed a little bit better. I'll give you one example; the rest I'm sure you can figure out on your own.
"“With love and affection, perfection we cherish,/So much so that we’ve forgotten our sorrows." With this section, I feel that the second line is a little bit too complicated. I would simplify it to: "With love and affection, perfection we cherish,/So much that we forget our own sorrow." That way, the point isn't muddled and sorrow rhymes more with borrow.
Also, I think there's a typo in the second to last verse? It should be "they" and not "the" in the last line of it.
In all though, fantastic work! I look forward to seeing more poems from you. Thanks for writing and posting!
Wow. When I first started reading this I couldn't believe there weren't any reviews but then I realized it's probably because it's SO good that people wouldn't know what to write! I was so prepared to give you a full blown review but now I have nothing to say... So I'll praise you
This sonnet is honestly one of the most well written pieces I've read on this site and one of the most well written sonnet's I've ever read! Please do not feel discouraged to put up your work because you haven't gotten any comments, a lot of times when people read work this good they won't comment because they feel intimated.
Congrats on a job so well done! I'm going to go and look for more of your work
-Nicole