The air smelt like blood and fear though I couldnt tell whose. My body awoke befor I did and I felt a lust for blood. I dont know why but evey thing looks red and feels heavy. My mom and dad are laying next to the cows in a puddle of the red liquid. My mind hurts I cant maintain this.
AHHHHHH
I shriek in pain and fall to black, all the color from red to green to wight, all to black, it feels ... calming, as if it was natural like I should be here.
Were am I ? Wheres Pa and Ma?
I look around to find nothing. No house, No cows, only trees surounding the field of green that I lay in ,all i can remember is that night screaming in pain and a wolf. The color of the thunder cloud , gray and hints of wight, his howl stronger than the thunder booming inside my head. All the sudden I see it, a column of smoke in the distance
PA!
I ran as fast as my legs would let me, but I swear mud was flying. I found the source of the fire. To my dispear I found my home engulfed in flames... I ran in. Then the smell of smoke and blood hit me as fast as my memories did. I saw my half cooked mother laying next to my fathe who was burnt to a crisp. Both of there chest cavitees are gone, ripped out by my hands. The amount of fear, anger, and sadness was to much i grabed Pa's bow, arrows, sword, and my own change of cloths. And I ran.
If your reading this. This is the first and shortest chapter if you liked it in any way I will publish #2 as soon as possible
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
i enjoyed this quite a bit! i enjoy stories that start out with vision-like sequences.
Now, i read the rest of the reviews before typing my own, so I don't think there's any need for me to point out spelling errors. Like Terian said, just give it a slow, out loud read and you'll see the mistakes quickly. You'll also hear when the sentences clash together and work against you. Now this is just my opinion from here out, so take what you want and leave the rest
Parts where you have a series of things with several commas, I think, would read better better if they were separated into multiple sentences. For example:
"The amount of fear, anger, and sadness was to much i grabed Pa's bow, arrows, sword, and my own change of cloths."
Like i said this is just how I would do it,
"I could barely stand as the fear and anger gripped my mind. With a terrible sorrow burdening my heavy heart I moved to take Pa's old weapons. Thankfully untouched by the scorching flames, his weathered bow was resting with his quiver of arrows a short distance away. He would have missed the sword lying in the brush if it hadn't been for the scant reflection of moonlight glimmering on its surface."
I've always been a tad long-winded with my writing, so like i said, take what you like from my review and leave the rest. I hope i didn't come across as obtrusive and rude, I really like your story's start, and i plan on reading the rest of it
Hi twistedracer01, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Story: The story as far as I can tell is really interesting and I am looking forward to seeing what you have in store for me. It is a pretty short chapter and for such a short piece of writing you really put in a lot of interesting stuff to read.
Characters: So I don't really know who the main character is called, but I am guessing it's a he and that he can change into a werewolf? I can feel his emotions, but I feel like you could put in some more shock after all he did just kill his parents and maybe describe what he looks like. There is plenty of room for improvement in this chapter, but for the most part it is pretty well written.
Description: You definitely don't forget about the description, but you do tend to over use the word (colour) I would maybe go through and cut out some of these, because it gets a bit repetitive after a while. For the most part you did give good description, but like I said before you could definitely include a bit more.
Small problems: Okay like Terian805 said below, you really need to read through this. If you want I will edit it for you. Just tell me and I will come and point out the grammar and punctuation mistakes. I won't include it in this review, because I don't want to step on your toes by pointing out ever detail. Just tell me and I will be here in a flash.
Overall a very intriguing story and I look forward to the next chapter. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend Felistia.
Thanks and yea I ment for it to be short because I didnt know how it would turn out. Im working on #2 witch i promise it will last longer.
This is so cool! Even though it was pretty short the whole thing gave a weird dreamlike feel with the italics, punctuated by the main characters thoughts. Definitely publish #2 , it sounds like you've got something going here. I'd love to learn more about the main character and why this has happened. I'm guessing he turned into a wolf and killed his parents? Or not....?
But the main problem....you need to revise your spelling man! I spotted several different mistakes that you made in the chapter. Not trying to be annoying but have a look over your writing. I'll name a few..
Thou= Though
Puttle=Puddle
Shreak=Shriek
Collum=Column
Engoulghed=Engulfed.
Proof read it quickly too so you can hear your writing out loud. Some of the sentences were quite mismatched. But apart from that well done!
Thanks I was half asleep when I started XD plus your right about the wolf thing good guess