Chapter 1 the Wolf Child
The raven, black as night, landed on the window seal of a abandon house in the woods. as he landed a puff of smoke came around the raven to re a boy in his early teens with black hair and cut up black shirt. He walked around the house to find items like a lighter, pocket knife, and a bag of food and water
Wellp I wish I had a choice but our races must live peacefully. Said the Wolven child
[at the academy]
"Looks like i'm early, .....(what time is it);... CRAP it's eight i'm really late for open house", as he landed he changed back to his human form. Man i better run (Were is the gym); as he looks around he suddenly falls,
"Ow..., man that hurt". Said raven as he looks up he sees a ginger haired girl in a wight T-shirt and blue jeans.
"Hey who are you?" Said Raven in a cofused tone
"Oh so sorry i wasn't looking." The girl said this as she sat up not realizing that she was still on him
"thats fine but seriously who are you?" Asked raven.
"I'm Alice Lexing nice to meet you; hey why aren't in the gym for open house."
"Look i got here late plus i live a good 8 miles away so get off my case and get off of me wile your at it Alice."
"What?.... Oh crap sorry sorry sorry. By the way i don't think you told me your name."
"Fine i'm Raven"
"Nice to meet you so what brings you to the academy." Asked Alice
"Matters I cant really explain sorry."
"thats fine i guess."
"I need to get to the gym how do I get there?" asked Raven
"Just behind that building over there." As she points to the main school house
"Thanks."
Chapter 2 Open house
(Ok i can see the gym.)
As Raven opens the door to the gym. CRASH! (why is every one crashing into me) HEY WHATS THE BIG DEAL! shouted Raven
"Watch how you speak to me Raven." said Ryan as he got up and scolded the stranger at the same time
(oh no not him) Ryan Lockhart still. said Raven in a sarcastic tone
Watch your mouth raven i'm not in the mood." Yelled Ryan "Scram crow."
You can't tell me what to do Ryan i'm grade above you so i'm your superior.
Ok you think i care. shouted Ryan
Well I can send you to solitary, (not that he deserves it he needs worse). anyway Ryan i'm gona go in there so if you can move that be nice.
fine. said Ryan as he move.
I met ryan in town,I didnt do anything and he hated me the moment he saw me and always try to make me a laughing stalk why he still here is a mystery.
(ok so that was annoying); as he walked too the podium and got his schedule and his dorm room number.
Ok so i'm in room 120 in the dorms (surprisingly the boys and the girls dorms are in the same building). (Please let my room mate not be weird or an idiot). As he opened his door to his surprise;
Sorry you must be my room mate i was taking a bath and .... said Alice as she opened here door and opened the dorm room. What the heck are you doing here! cried Alice in her towel
Alice!?
This is my room GO AWAY.
This is room 120 right? asked Raven.
Yea?
That *gulp* means i'm i-i-in the same room as y-y-you.
You try anything i'm going to... screamed alice as people surrounded the dorm room door.
[mummers from the crowd]
Look alice we can work this out just PLEASE LET ME IN! Screamed raven.
[silence]
Fine but don't do any thing stupid. Alice said this with an embarrassed look.
Ok now lets talk about this. (please don't kill me)
They talked until dusk and alice explained here reason here and the fact that her family are demon hunters. And raven explained he was here to make a connection with regular people to create a bond with demons and humans.
Well lets go to bed. Said Alice as she clapped her hands.
Yea; dibs on the left bed. Called Raven.
Fine. moaned Alice.
Chapter 3 Class combat
Ok so if my schedule is right i'm going to class room 340 ok. said raven as he approaches the main building. A here we are 340. as raven walked in.
Hey kid your late. yelled the teacher.
Sorry miss.... whats your name.
Im Mrs. Battlex. As of today Il be your home room teacher and today we will learn how to track a Demon
(wait this is a demon hunting class!) God i'm screwed. mumbled raven
RAVEN got something to share with the class. cried Mrs.Battlex
No mam.(Crap,crap,crap,crap).
(i'm going to die if my secrete gets out) ( OH CRAP ALICE)
Are you ok raven you look pale?. Asked the student next to him in a whispered voice.
Y-Y-Yea I-I-m fine. stuttered Raven.
RAVEN Meet me after class!. Yelled Mrs. Battlex
[after class]
Why did you want to see me?. asked Raven skittishly
Well you looked scared so I need to find out why. Said Mrs. battlex as she sat down at the desk Answer me this who are you demon or human.
H-H-Human. stuttered Raven
Why are you stuttering Raven?. Asked Mrs. Battlex in a confident and scary tone
I-I-I need to go I promised my room mate I would make dinner. Lied Raven as he quickly escaped
Demon. Said Mrs. battlex with a sly grin
[at the dorm house room 120]
*knock*knock*
Who's there. asked Alice.
It's me; Raven. said Raven in a depressed voice as he came up to the door.
You know you don't need to knock you have the key. Said Alice as she let him in.
I know. I-I-I-I just....forgot. said Raven as he stumbled in.
You okay raven. asked Alice in a worried voice.
I'm fine. Quivered Raven as he mutters those words.
You sure I mean you look pale and scared. Said Alice in a worried tone.
Im FINE!.
Chapter Four Surviving school
For the next two weeks raven and alice have been careful about the issue and it looked like raven would be fine until,
We have parent teacher conferences!. screamed raven in a panic.
Yea so could you go contact your parents. Asked Mrs. Battlex
O-O-Ok, um he they don't H-H-Have a Ph-Ph-Phone I'l just walk to them. Stuttered raven
Ok; wait do you know how to get back? Asked alice as she walked up
Were you eaves dropping alice. asked raven
Yup. said alice as she smiled and moved her head to the left
(Thats going to get annoying)
Alice you shouldn't eaves drop on a teacher and students conversation. Said Mrs. Battlex
After that raven ran off and went to his usual spot to transform and fly around. he flew back home to try and talk to slender.
(Slender please don't be there)
As he landed on the window seal of his house in the woods.
No ones home thank go-
*POW*
As raven turned to the blast he see's a net coming for him
CRAP CRAP CRAP! said raven as he dodge the projectile.
(What the heck)
Who's there. screamed raven
(silence)
Raven thru a nearby vase into the air and a net cot and shattered the vase. Raven transforms and walks to the open door as a raven and flew back to the dorm's as fast as possible.
What, who was that?! panted raven as he landed on the roof of the dorms.
raven walks to his room and finds that alice isn't there.
That's weird wears alice. as raven said this he steps on a piece of paper.
What the heck.
As raven opens it up.
Dear raven
we have alice and we demand your head in return of her life
meet at the abandon building in the back of the school.
you have till tomorrow to decide You Or Her.
- R
What the literal heck. Said raven in a muffled angry voice. Im going to break those IDIOTS.
Chapter 5 Raven to the rescue
The next day raven meets at the building after school to confront the people. He opens the door to find alice bounded to a pole and her mouth covered in duck tape.
So you finally came, I thought i was going to have to hurt H--
Before the robed figure finished raven pounced and tackled the man next to alice.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS?! screamed raven. THIS ISN'T NEEDED, WHAT DO YOU WHANT.
Why we want you remember the note, "You Or Her" or did you forget. said the robed man in a sly tone
Wait I remember a voice like that. said raven in a devilish morose tone. RYAN!!!.
Raven punched Ryan to the ground. The other four looked in surprise and ran to attack with iron pipes but were nocked back before they got close.
What w-w-was that. said ryan in fear.
Nothing you need to worry about. said raven in a deep demonic tone. Raven took a knife from the ground walked over to alice and cut her free and removed the duck tape.
We are going and don't think about following us. said raven then wile carrying alice out the door two raven like wings had pop out and they flew to the roof of the dorms.
Raven thank you....for... for saving me, I thought they were going to kill me. Why did they do this?! said alice on the edge of crying.
Don't worry every thing will be fine. said raven as his wings disintegrate. Did they do anything to you?. asked raven in a worried tone
No I-i'm fine. mumbled alice depressed and scared
They sat there with Alice still on the brink of tears for the rest of the day until eventually they went to there dorm and went to sleep.
Chapter 6 second week of survival
The rest of the week went on and Alice had to help Raven with math every day
Ugh I hate math. said Raven as he laid back putting his hands on his head.
Well it's because you don't pay attention half the time, and you keep skipping home room Mrs. Battlex keeps leaving notes at our door it's like crazy, it's getting really ridiculous. said Alice as she naged Raven to death.
I cant go remember she is the demon hunting class. said Raven in a annoyed tone
Oh well I forgot, you just seem so normal. said Alice in a depressed tone.
It's ok don't worry about it. said Raven
Can I ask you something, what happened back at the shack yesterday. Asked Alice in a curious tone
Well I thought you would ask sooner or later, Those were my powers, Animal transformation and tentacle.
How did you get wings?.
My mother, she had the ability to transform into any animal at will or bring large wings come out of her back.
I'd love to meet your parents on good terms. said Alice in a calm but rattled voice.
Trust me you don't. said Raven
Well not slender but maybe your mom. said Alice
Still not a good idea plus she's dead. said Raven in a depressed tone
How did she die? asked Alice.
Well.......she got captured...... and killed. said Raven in an even more depressed tone.
By who?
Demon hunters.
After hearing that Alice looked at Ravens angered face wile covering her face
Oh my god I c-c-cant, I'm so sorry. When did this happen.
When I was six. Thats when she died. And when I was told to go see slender man for the conferance there was someone in the tree's that was attaking me, and almost got me. Something isnt right
(why are they targeting me let alone Alice)
Chapter 7 Ran out by dead mans hands
[10 pm]
Gunshots
WHAT The freak was THAT. screamed Raven
As raven looked to the side bed Alice was still asleep
Raven got up to see outside people running but no one was hurt. As Raven walks around the corner he sees his homeroom teacher with DH wepons [demon hunter].
Were are you demon! cried Mrs. Battlex
Raven turend around and walked back twords his room.
Crap what is SHE thinking. Mutterd Raven.
Huh?
BOOM
A bomb blew Ravens door in and Mrs. Battlex ran in.
"RAVEN"!!!. Screached Mrs.Battlex
All the sudden Raven's droping, turning, moveing, and dodging in all derections. Wile Raven dodges he falls thrue the window and falls. In mid air Raven turns into a hawk and flies away.
"What was that?" Said Raven as he landed on an old birch in a graveyard. "Could she have found out my secrete or is she just crazy"!
Chapter 8: Alice in the woods of shapeshift
[Time of the incedent]
"Raven"? Asked Alice in a dayzed and confused tone. "Teacher!, Why are you in HERE!"
"Im trying to get Raven." Replied Mrs.Battlex
"Why"
"Because he's a demon and demons must be sent back to the maker"!
"Why cant we just live in peace with the demons"? "He's NOT THAT BAD"!
"ALL DEMONS ARE BAD"! screached Mrs Battlex
Mrs Battlex hits alice back into her bed and jumps out the window to go find Raven
" RAVEN" ! cried Alice into the woods only to get silence back
Alice sits there sobbing not knowing what to do until a voice comes from no were.
" Save him, Hes in the woods of shapeshift the heart of the power". Said the spirit
"who are you, how do you know about Raven". said Alice half scared and still sobbing alitle
"Why I am his mother, now go before the hunter finds him".
"Ok".
Alice runs twords the door
"wait, take this".
The spirit gives Alice an amulet. The amulet is shaped like a wolf howling and its the color of silver
"This will alow you to turn into a wolf but only a wolf. And when you enter the forest DO NOT transform back to human or you will not be able to get rid of that amulet". Warned the spirit
As she said this alice was allready out the door and out of hearing range
[In the woods]
Alice were are you.
AHH. Screamed Raven after waking up from a nightmere
Raven sits on his makeshift bed from twine and sticks grasping for breth.
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
To all who reviews this book i am done with it and will no longer be working on it
It was a good story plot though.
Yea but I went a very bad way with it
Hi Twisted! DreamingForever here to review!
Chapter one
Okay, so you have to remember that the reader has never read this before, so they most likely won't k ow whats going on. Another thing that was really distracting was the grammar. Grammar has a really big effect in the long run. I noticed that throughout the entire story, you forgot quotation marks. Something that is great for improving a story is reading out loud. Then, it slows you down and you notice all of your misakes. And when you use these (),
its seen as informal, such as a text or e-mail. In books and stories like this you always want to be formal. That means no using the words "I", "You", "We", or "Us" unless someone is talking. If, by using the quotation marks, you were meaning for those to be thoughts, you need to italicize them. And you used CAPITALIZATION on an entire word. This is also seen as informal. Instead of,
maybe you should say, "Crap!" Also, the whole thing seems like it went a little fast. Add in some details to slow it down. And when you said,
That would be another way to slow it down. You could describe the trip to the academy, or you could simply say, "his trip to the academy was uneventful."
I'll probably be back to review the other chapters,
DreamingForever
ello twisted i am going to review your first chapter so here i go
first your second sentence need to start with a capital As
second the "as he landed a puff of smoke came around the raven to re a boy in his early teens with black hair and cut up black shirt." do you mean reformed into a boy?
third ""that fine but seriously who are you?"" the seriously part is rather unneeded if he asked her once i would see it being needed to be the second time he asked but it rather unneeded the first time
third get off of "me wile your at it" ok there is two things wrong with this part of your sentence well if you go rather %100 anyway first wile is spelled wrong it should be spelled while and your should be spelled you're "matters i cant really explain" cant needs an apostrophe
that it in the first chapter as i can see hope this review was helpful
have a nice day
PEACE
Hi there, Amnesia here to review these 6 chapters.
So I'll break down this review into 6 different parts. Let's jump right into it then?
Chapter One
So I'll start with the first sentence since it doesn't make too much sense to me, though I do understand what you are trying to say.
So for this sentence you need to understand that commas can be used incorrectly (I do it all the time). So the beginning of this sentence should be something like this "The raven, who was as black as the night, landed on the window seal of a abandon house in the woods"
Continuing the first sentence you do have many spelling fragments. This is what the sentence should look like. "The raven, who was as black as the night, landed on the window sill of the abandoned house, which was hidden deep in the woods."
That's it for the first sentence. The second sentence it looks like you were typing so fast that your fingers were ahead of your thoughts. Again this isn't something to be worried about because most authors do this.
So first things first, you have to capitalize the first letter in a sentence. I also think that you could word the transformation process a bit better for the reader to understand.
"As he landed on the sill a puff of white smoke encased him and as the smoke faded a boy stood in the spot the raven had just inhabited." That on it's own is a sentence. It just gives the reader more depth and your third sentence can go on to describe what the boy looks like. Start off the third sentence like;
"The boy looked to be about 13 or 14 and had raven black hair and worn black clothing."
Spell Check helps significantly with typos and misspellings. Add a comma after the first word because it's a leading word. The sentence is a run on and needs a comma between choice and but.
I was really confused at the appearance of the wolf kid because you never said he was there, you skipped from the Raven boy looking for something to a wolven kid talking about wanting to start a war.
Quotation marks will help the reader differentiate from the "Said the Wolven child" and what the kid actually said.
If this is a novel you need to format it as such. right now it's a screenplay because you didn't even tell us what these two characters even did to get to the school. You didn't introduce me to the second character at all, all I got was a sentence from said second writer and then they magically teleported together? I don't understand what this is supposed to say so I'm just going to move along now.
All the singular "I"s need to be capitalized, as for the clarity of this sentence...Don't put thoughts in parenthesis it just confuses the reader. Cut the dialogue up into smaller bits and put the thoughts into italics and get rid of those parenthesis. So in order to make this sentence clearer I have rewritten it for you as an example.
"Looks like I'm early." [i]what time is it?[i] he looks down at his watch [i]Crap! It's almost 8:00 I'm going to be late to open house for sure[i] He took off at a run, figuring that he'd be faster if he ran. [i]Where is the gym again?[i] he asks himself as he glances around himself. He slips and falls.
It's clearer for the reader and look all the pesky parenthesis are gone.
So the rest of the chapter looks to be about the same redundant problems I stated earlier, Grammatical, Spelling, Capitalization, etc. Just go through it with a fine toothed comb and edit out anything wrong.
So this is pretty much all redundant except the parts where the italics make no sense whatsoever and when you go to have someone crash into another you have to explain it instead of using the word.
"Someone crashed into Raven." makes so much more sense than just saying
anyways I hope my review helped and Good luck. I do like the plotline.
Mem
you did it how long?
hey guys please give a sudgestion for were it should go from here
Hey the twisted. It's just lizzy stopping by for a review of your novel. Six chapters is a great feat, I've only made it to chapter 2 with my own. Well that's enough chit chat, so let the reviewing begin.
Because you have six chapters in one post, I will break down my review for one chapter at a time.
Chapter 1:
First issue. The first sentence starts off great but it becomes a run on. I think it needs to be split into at least two sentences maybe three. The feeling is all dark and mystical but the feeling tires out as the sentence continues on. The lines of dialogue are also missing points of punctuation.
I have a sample fix below. The dialogue that I recorded is how I thought the story flowed.
The raven, black as night, landed on the window seal of a abandon house in the woods. As he landed, a puff of smoke came around the raven to revile a boy in his early teens with black hair and cut up black shirt. "Tomorrow I go to the academy of magical arts," said raven as he transformed.
Second Issue, the main character's thoughts. I can see his thoughts are separated by parentheses but they are still confusing. You may want to word it differently.
Overall Passage:
A mistake that I saw in almost every single paragraph was capitalization. You had words in uppercase that should have been lowercase and vice versa. Please proofread better so that the reader can get through the text easier.
I am sorry if I can not offer any more advice but that is as far into the plot I could get. The story is extremely confusing and needs a lot of work. This was tiring to me because I just could not get through it. It was a great concept. When you revise it please message me, and I will revise my review.
Anyways, Happy Review Day!
-lizzy
thx i need revews like these so thanks again
I'm a little confused. Is this supposed to be written in first person? Or did something happen to the main character's thoughts?
srry its soppoused to be 1st person thx for the reply (parenthasies means thouts) thx
OK cool! Yeah, just watch out for that, there are a few lapses into third, and make sure you separate each character's new dialogue into its own paragraph. Other than formatting, this looks like an interesting story!!
Apreciate the comment
In the third sentence "tomorrow i go to the academy..." The i is not capitalized. it should be tomorrow I go to the academy..." same with the next i. "man i don't..." it should be "man I don't..."
The next i is also not capital. then the next i needs to be I. and a lot of your other i's.
Thanks for the help
No prob
hey guys remember it's not finished (still point the things out)
To everyone whos posted. Thank you for the help and replys and i will be giving 64 points to the three rplyers
Hey I was wondering if you guys wanted me to make a charicter byase. if so Let me know thx