Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Chapter 1 My country's fall
Im a simple 14 year old kid. I don't know much about people or the conflict in this world, i'm anti social you could say I walk around in a black hoodie all year, Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer. I stay away as much as I can from everyone else, Its just who I am, I was born in Waco,Texas and I love to hunt and shoot guns, i'm a great shot you could say. It was a warm day for fall when it happened, I was stepping out to head to my school when I saw the parachutes drop from the sky like angels coming to collect are souls. I couldn't understand why those paratroopers were dropping so I ran inside and armed up with my dads 20 gauge shotgun and 270 rifle as I collected food. A soldier knocks on my door yelling in a Russian accent." Придите вне с вашими руками вверх". I couldn't under stand him but with the accent I knew he had to Russian, he kept yelling as he tried to knock down the door but before he did I had snuck out through the back and hop on my ATV and drive into the woods fearful that he was following me.
Chapter 2 My country's running
I new these woods well so I wasn't worried of getting lost. I drove until I was sure I wasn't being followed, I stop near a pond that me and my dad use to fish. The roar of the helicopter scared me as I dove down into the leaves to camouflage my self into the woods to avoid detection. I see the chopper fly farther away and to my horror it was american and If i didn't hide I may of been seen and rescued. "God damn my luck", I get up and start to prepare a shelter thanking my dad in my head for forcing me to go to a survivor camp over the summer. I finish building a Tipi and load all my supplies into the dug out hole for storage. I noticed the time when the sky turned orange and the sun met the tree line. I sat in the shelter wondering why it feels unimportant like iv done this before, or were did my emotions go why ain't i scared or sad like a normal human being? All i could feel is a need to survive and resentment to the Russian's that dropped from the sky and attacked america as if we were insignificant. I fall asleep as I thought and let my dreams go wild.
Chapter 3 My country's sorrow
I don't know what my countries doing right now but probably kicking ass. I thought about that then the image of my father in his military uniform came to me and my mother as a nurse. I just hope there ok and not in danger. As I thought I heard leaves rustling behind me, I sat there slowly reaching for the shotgun. It sounded like a 4 legged animal, I jump out and see a deer, out of reflex I shot point blank and killed the deer instantly. The shock drove my adrenaline up as I stood there, I put the gun down as I pull my knife out to clean the deer. Another memory of my dad surfaces. It was a cold morning and we bagged a deer, this was when I got my first deer. I was only 10 but I felt excited and felt accomplished as I watched my dad clean the deer. But the memory faded as soon as it surfaced when I heard a lot of movement further in the woods Did the gun attract Russians?! Or is it americans?. I was relieved to see a small group of people and not a squad of Russians, they were walking towards my camp so I grabbed my 270 and called out to them "hey! who are you?! "
Chapter 4 My countries fakes
As they walked up to the site with there hands up I decided to meet them halfway and talk with them. As I walked up to them I could see there were 2 girls, One asian and the other african american along with one guy who seemed like the school jock on steroids. (the man) "Im sorry were just passing through". I noticed he had a little more of a Russian accent than he should plus he was holding a AK-74U. I act like I notice nothing and let them walk further while also being behind them, I stop raising my rifle and aim for the mans head seeing how the woman didn't have guns out I ask "what is the 2nd amendment of the declaration of independence?", every american knows this especially if they own a gun. (The man) "Freedom of religion". the moment he finished I shoot his arm knocking his gun out of his hand and making him collapse as I knock the girls out, I tie them up to three trees and sit there waiting but not three minutes later and the guy was up and talking again. I asked the man "who are you because your no american" I say this as I hold a knife to his throat, he replied admitting he was a Russian prison herder and he was escorting the other two to a nearby prison. I stab the mans throat and untie the girls,I drag them to into the woods leaving them a map and food rations. I walk back thinking that my parents may be in the camp and praying to god hoping that they are okay.
Chapter 5 Solitude in the red, white and blue
I decided It was time to scout the prison and find my parents, I thought that it should be easy but I was wrong. I reached the fortress of steel and Iron that loomed over me like a tower. I thought that it was impenetrable until I saw a little hole in the fortress, I walked up to it and it had to be no more than 3 feet wide and 2 feet tall I looked through and saw so many rows of orange its like the floor was painted with it. I scanned it not being able to find my mother or father in the large crowed and I immediately regretted the decision as I saw a five man patrol turn the corner and see me. They yelled in Russian but I knew it was bad so I ran and propped up my rifle. Zeroing in on the hole as I saw one go through I pulled the trigger without thinking, I through up at the sight of blood sprayed all over the wall from the shot as his friends pulled him back in. I heard the gate open and knew all of them were gonna rush me so I re-zeroed my scope on the corner and popped a head every time I could and threw up every time until I hit 5 then I stopped like I was getting used to it or I had ran out of vomit to give. The 6th ran around and I popped his knee dropping him to the ground fast. I shot his head as he screamed then the bolt kicked back showing I was out of rounds and a wave of fear rose over as I tried to reload but they were running at me so i dropped it and grabbed my shotgun, I slung the rifle on my back and climbed a tree hoping the didn't see and to my luck they just kept running. I muttered "Oh thank god" as I climbed down and went up to the wall. I looked at the blood spatter and bodies but I started to feel num and it scared me a little but i picked up one of there AK-47u's and all the ammo I could, But then I heard a engine or multiple engines coming towards the wall and I saw them. A black car with a M60 MG mount on it started to fire up the towers and destroying the guards, I looked in aw as I read there name "The wolverines" I saw the stream of shells coming out like a river of brass, and then when the guns barrel stopped and glowed a bright orange color I looked in side to see the prisoners flying american flags and yelling at the top of there lungs "freedom of america" and I couldn't help but be proud as a american but then my heart skipped a beat as I saw my parents laying in a shipping crate. I didn't even realize at first that I was charging towards them at full speed and when I got there I would of threw up more if I hadn't already gave out my stomach at the sight of the decay and gashes the size of my arm across there chest, I dropped to my knees and the first time I showed emotion in months even before the Russians I teared up and looked at them and the world just felt black and white and meaningless.
Chapter 6 American Pride
Four weeks after the event at the prison I stayed at my camp hunting fishing and trapping just surviving but it never felt like it was worth it, I would purposely skip meals and hit trees with my bare fist but never felt anything but physical pain. "Cold and emotionless" I thought that and realized how true it was about my life. I slept for a hour or two and woke up in the middle of the night not knowing why but I went exploring around to check traps and buildings, But I came across a patrol of 4 different soldiers. One with a AK-47, one with a dragonove sniper, another with a M60, and the last carrying barrels and ammo for the M60 as well a MP5 in his left hand. I stalked them like a animal and followed them until they stopped suddenly and looked around, As they did I readied the AK-47u I stole from the prison and the 270 rifle. I had the rifle on the M60's head and the AK on the side for the rest of them. I slowly pulled the trigger instantly killing the man and I grabbed the AK as I darted out of sight. The rest jumped and looked around trying to find me as I popped off the head of the sniper, then I grabbed the AK and shot volleys of metallic bullets and rained death on them killing them with ease, I sighed as I went to refill my AK's ammo and I looked at the sniper rifle " maybe this would be useful" I picked it up and looked down scope to see it was cracked from when he fell. I sighed again then I took the scope off and brought it with me to a secret stash in a nearby building. I looked around thinking 'Maybe I could move hear' the building was a old restaurant and was manly intact plus it provided good cover and a strategic location, I put the guns down and grabbed sticks out back in the woods, enough to build a sleigh as I built it and loaded my supplyes in it and stashed some coals in a container to remake a fire in the building, I dragged the stuff into the building as I saw a man walk up to it and go in.
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello, twistedracer01! To be honest, while I tend not to like to begin my reviews on a negative note, since I don't like setting the tone of my review in this fashion, I can't say I was a big fan of the plot. Yes, it was interesting, and complex, particularly when the main character proves to be a wonderful survivalist who is able to escape from Russian forces with a gun and food and figure out a way to eke a simple life of survival with what he has in the woods. However, there were a lot of plot holes and a lack of a cohesive narrative. For instance, where in the world was the narrator's father? His mother? When did the main character see the parachutes dropping in the sky, and how did he identify them as Russian? Why didn't the Russian soldiers bother to search the woods? Why isn't there battles on the streets if the American government is involved? How did the American government not mobilize quickly and effectively at this point in time? Why is the kid so quickly able to guess that there is a conflict going on and that America has been crushed without any clear evidence for such?
Frankly, the plot didn't make a lot of sense. I understand that you're trying to emphasize this kid and focus on his struggles, and there is plenty that he would not be able to describe and comprehend. However, right now, the American government is looking hilariously incompetent, and that doesn't make any sense. There should be some kind of fighting going on, even if the American government has been caught off guard (which, even against the Russians, is incredibly unlikely). You even have an American helicopter flying around, which means that they are by no means dead. So where is the fighting? Where is the tension? What are the Russian soldiers doing, anyways? Why would I walk up to people's houses to shout at them in a language I know they don't have a chance of understanding? Why are they not searching the woods for people? Yeah, in general, this lacks explanations and provides inaccuracies that can even be described from your current perspective.
Beyond that, this story continually slips up when it comes to spelling and grammar. From basic errors like neglecting to capitalize lone "i"'s, to the usage of "ain't" (which is explicitly forbid in most formal writing beyond character dialect, as it really strips away the professional behavior of the story in question. It might be acceptable in this piece, given that we are focusing on the thoughts of a particular character, but the fact it's only used once makes it inherently suspect), the writing here is not exactly top-notch. In particular, it tends to flow awkwardly as it often neglects to incorporate commas (which I generally advise you use whenever you read a sentence and find yourself pausing at spots that aren't more fitting for periods), or periods. Your first few sentences relied on a lot of disconnected thoughts and an overuse of "you could say." You also incorporate arbitrary capitalization; and I could go on and on and on. In general, I'd advise finding a specific word processing software (Microsoft Word) or find somebody who can act as a spellchecker for you to deal with and correct such mistakes.
And that's about it. Frankly, I didn't mind the plot all that much, and it turned out to be a decent story. However, it was muddled in a long string of plot holes and grammar mistakes that removed a lot of my interest in the piece itself, on top of the fact that I never really got a clear picture of what was happening or much emotional attach to the main character. Besides, you also tended to shift between past and present tense, which was awkward. And did I mention how incredibly short these chapters are? Chapters are not paragraphs - they are generally lengthy (1,000+ words), definitive, and cover a specific set of events. I could probably combine all of these chapters thus far into a single one, and then greatly elaborate upon the sights, sounds, and descriptions to make it a particularly effective one. Nevertheless, thanks for presenting this piece, and I hope this helps!
While i thank you for your review please keep in mind that this project is under constant rewrite and not finished but i will keep these issues in mind
Hey there, twistedracer01. As you say, you're still working on this, so I won't go through typos. I'll just look at the story.
I was stepping out to head to my school when i saw the parachutes drop from the sky like angels coming to collect are souls.
I wanted to begin with something you've done really well. I LOVE this simile, and I think you definitely should add more like this to your story. It creates some beautiful imagery in my mind.
I was born in Waco,TX and i love to hunt and shoot guns, i'm a great shot you could say.
As a general rule, you should avoid using shortened versions of words. TX should really say Texas.
thanking my dad in my head for forcing me to go to a survivor camp over the summer.
I'd love to know where his dad is right now.
The invasion seemed a little sudden. Parachutes just suddenly drop from the sky? Russians suddenly invade the country, just like that? Perhaps dwell into a bit of a backstory, show us political tensions rising, planes coming over the oceans, things like that. Make it more believable.
That said, the chapters are VERY short. If you made them longer, you'd be able to include more information. I would use what you've got now as a plot outline, and work on writing chapters of 600+ words. The story you've got is good, and could be a very exciting story, but you just need to give the reader more information.
While i thank you for your review please keep in mind that this project is under constant rewrite and not finished but i will keep these issues in mind
Im still working on this and I will proof read every now and then just please point out issues in the plot, narrative, and grammar thanks