z

Young Writers Society


16+

Me and My Imagination: Chapter 7, The Party (part 1)

by tswizzy22


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The first guests started arriving around five. My sister and I both waited until we had a large enough crowd to entertain before heading to our respective locations, me outside, and her in the entertainment room. Adults were lead straight into the dining room to meet with Mother and Father.

I took my group out the back door and onto the patio. “We’ve got some hula hoops, and a fire pit over there,” I explained, giving a tour of the area. “There’s also some lemonade and soda in the cooler over there, just remember to pick up after yourself.”

I took a seat alone in one of the lawn chairs to observe the festivities. A few girls started hula hooping, but most people gathered around the fire pit and attempted to light it. After a few minutes of struggling they were successful, and huddled around it.

I was able to see the adults gathered around the dining room table, pouring over documents of some kind, their briefcases strewn about the table. A large cake sat unattended on the kitchen counter with the words ‘Happy Birthday’ etched into the frosting. The door to the entertainment room was shut, and I wondered how my sister was fairing inside. I tried to picture her reading to a group of eight year olds, and laughed aloud at the preposterousness of the idea.

I was brought back to reality by someone asking me what was so funny. I looked up and saw Tyler, Matt, Charlie and Karen walking up to me. “Pretty cool party you have here Percy,” Charlie said, maybe sincerely, but probably not.

“Look, I think it’s fair to say that none of us want to be here right now,” I told them, cutting to the chase. “Why don’t we just all stay out of each other's way tonight.”

“Well that’s not the most hospitable way to greet your party guests, is it?” Tyler taunted. “We just came over to wish you a happy birthday.”

“Thank you,” I muttered, less than enthusiastically.

“You don’t really like us Percy. Why is that,” Karen asked.

“Well….” I paused fumbling to come up with an answer.

“We're really not that bad if you get to know us,” Matt said.

“I don’t know, I haven’t had much of a chance to get to know you. Maybe if I got to know you I would like you more.”

“Well you should try sometime,” Karen suggested, smiling. I smiled back weakly. “In fact, why don’t we get to know each other a little bit right now?”

“Are you sure?” I felt caught off guard by their sudden sense of personability, something that they have never seen from them before.

“Of course we’re sure, that is quite literally what parties are for, Charlie replied, excitedly. “Let’s start with something super easy. What’s your favorite color?”

“Um I don’t know. Maybe silver?”

“Silver? How...sophisticated of you.” I couldn’t tell if she was serious or not.

“What made you not like us in the first place anyway?” Matt asked.

“I… I don’t really know. I mean, you hear stories around school. People always consider you guys mean, they say that you bully people. To be fair you haven’t exactly been as nice as you could be to my sister and me since we started at Lilywood.”

“Do you mind if we speak frankly with you Percy?” Tyler asked, confidently.

“Yeah I guess so,” I muttered, with much less confidence.

“Well the truth is it’s not you we really have a problem with.”

“You don’t like my sister?” They all nodded, practically in unison.

“Can you blame us?” Charlie asked. “You have to admit she’s not the most approachable person in the world.”

“Well neither am I, but here we are.”

“Look Percy,” Matt explained. “You and your sister are different. You aren’t the same people. Surely you can see that.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’re a pretty normal guy Percy. A little shy, sure, but you seem normal. Your sister…”

“She’s standoffish,” Charlie picked up. She’s blunt and she doesn’t care about others. She’s the type of girl, who if you saw her in the street and you were in need of help she would turn the other way.”

“Worse, Tyler interrupted. “She would piss on you.”

“You’re wrong,” I replied, taken completely aback. “You guys can’t seriously believe that! I mean that sounds nothing like her at all. She’s truly the nicest person that I have ever met. Maybe she’s the one that you guys should get to know. You should give her a chance”

“Please,” Charlie answered. “If anything she’s the one who should be giving us a chance. She’s loathed us from the minute she laid eyes on us.”

“Percy I’m going to tell you this as a friend,” Tyler said, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Can I call you a friend?”

“I guess so.”

“Great. Than as a friend I’m telling you, you need to watch out for her. There’s something not right about her.”

“I do watch out for her.”

“No Percy, not like that. You need to watch out for yourself. Brooklyn is the type of girl who could potentially be very dangerous if left unchecked.I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“You don’t even know her!” I screamed, angrily.

“No hard feelings Percy, I don’t want to make you mad. Just… be careful.”


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Mon Sep 04, 2017 10:01 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today.

Wow, those kids are creepy. Seriously creepy - by which I mean I don't trust them to have good intentions at all. Like, I don't know what they're up to at trying to drive a wedge between Percy and his sister, but they're definitely not being genuine. I mean, how can they seriously believe that they know more about her than her own brother does?

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this because I'm so curious about what the heck those kids are up to.

My sister and I both waited until we had a large enough crowd to entertain before heading to our respective locations, me outside, and her in the entertainment room

You might want to specify here what age groups this crowd is, because later when you mention hula hoops I thought that was kind of weird until I realized these were kids as well, not just teenagers.

Quick note - there were a couple of places in the dialogue where someone asked a question, but you punctuated it with a period or a comma. So just watch out for that, since those should always be question marks.

“You’re wrong,” I replied, taken completely aback. “You guys can’t seriously believe that! I mean that sounds nothing like her at all. She’s truly the nicest person that I have ever met.

This was pretty much the only part of the chapter that fell completely flat for me. It just read awkwardly and didn't feel like something Percy would say out loud. Especially after the strength of Tyler's accusation, it made Percy sound insincere, when I don't think that's what you were intending. Something that could help is showing more of Percy's thought process here - what counterexamples does he immediately think of? What about all the little conflicts that every brother and sister have had - does he briefly wonder if there was something more sinister there before telling himself of course not?

Aside from that, I don't have much negative to say about this chapter. The interactions of the characters' personalities was great, and I feel like Percy has a really strong voice, which is rare to see in first person. (His bluntness was great. xD)

And that's all I've got! Good luck, and keep writing!




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Sun Sep 03, 2017 1:02 am
rosette wrote a review...



Hello tswizzy22!

I've seen chapters of this story around but never got around to reviewing any, so if I get anything dreadfully wrong here, you have my sincerest apologies.

So, this is interesting. We got a birthday party for this dude, Percy, and his sister, a bunch of people are invited, and he's confronted by some "friends". I thought it a little strange how this whole party seems to be going. I mean, first off, what's with the adults and their documents?
(I must have missed something crucial in an earlier chapter). Did his sister want to take care of all the kids?? It's not something I typically see people doing at their parties. I also thought it was sad how Percy seemed to have no friends. Like, he just sat by himself in the back and watched people do stuff. Question: why didn't he help the people start the fire? Seemed a little rude to me.


The dialogue between these kids - teenagers? - fascinated me.

“Well you should try sometime,” Karen suggested, smiling. I smiled back weakly. “In fact, why don’t we get to know each other a little bit right now?”

“Are you sure?” I felt caught off guard by their sudden sense of personability, something that theyI havehad never seen from them before.

“Of course we’re sure, that is quite literally what parties are for", Charlie replied, excitedly. “Let’s start with something super easy. What’s your favorite color?”

Something seems off here. I already don't care much for these kids. "Let's all get to know each other!" sounds cheesy and fake. Same, Percy. I would be caught off guard, too. Actually, I think I might be suspicious.

Then, we go from this extremity of friendliness to Matt bluntly asking why Percy doesn't like them. Well, then. Let's all get to know each other, eh?

“You’re wrong,” I replied, taken completely aback. “You guys can’t seriously believe that! I mean that sounds nothing like her at all. She’s truly the nicest person that I have ever met. Maybe she’s the one that you guys should get to know. You should give her a chance”

To be honest, this doesn't sound like something a guy that truly loved his sister would say. She's truly the nicest person I have ever met? What, did they just meet recently or something? I'm surprised he didn't start listing her good qualities and say she was the nicest person he knew.
Or should I be suspicious of Percy?
hmmm...

“No Percy, not like that. You need to watch out for yourself. Brooklyn is the type of girl who could potentially be very dangerous if left unchecked.I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

ahahaha. Not sure if I believe that, Tyler; you seem like you would want Percy to get hurt. And make him mad.

“You don’t even know her!” I screamed, angrily.

Well that escalated quickly.


---
I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help in reviewing. Your characters, I will admit, interest me. Especially that fake batch of kids torturing Percy. Maybe they're not that evil. But I don't like 'em, anyway. :P

If you have any comments, questions or corrections about anything I said, do let me know! I hope you have a fantastic day, and keep up your writing!
cheers!
-rosette




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Sat Sep 02, 2017 2:12 pm
tigeraye says...



You're back!! My favorite YWS novel.





I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)