Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Chapter 3
“How was school today?” Mother asked. It was one of the rare times that the four of us ate dinner as a family.
“Fine,” my sister and I said in unison. Neither Father nor Mother looked satisfied with our answer.
“You guys have been going to Lilywood a few months now,” Father chimed in. “Have you made any new friends? Met any interesting people? Gone to any good parties?”
“I think you know the answer to those questions,” my sister responded sarcastically. My mouth turned into a small smirk.
“I really don’t,” Father said looking perplexed.
“I think what Brook is trying to say is that we often find it hard to interact with other people our age,” I answered for her. I looked in her direction and she gave me a small nod.
“Well why is that?” Mother questioned.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I think people find us a bit off putting, pretentious even.”
“Well have you tried taking an interest in a hobby or a band that someone else likes?” Mother asked.
“No,” my sister answered. “We don’t care about other people’s hobbies or their favorite bands, or what they like to watch on television.” I could tell she was getting annoyed with their questions. “Why should we for that matter? Why should we be the ones to put in the effort to get to know someone?”
“Well,” Father began but was cut off mid sentence by my sisters growing rant.
“No one puts in the effort to get to know us! They never have and they probably never will!” Her voice was growing louder by the second.
“Don’t say that,” Father said, attempting to comfort her. “I’m sure there’s someone out there that wants to get to know you. Maybe they're just intimidated by you two. You both are pretty quiet.”
“You’re not there Father,” my sister said, suddenly much calmer. “You don’t know what they say about us.” A look of worry appeared on his face, like he was frantically thinking of something to say. “You’ve never heard what they call us. Know it alls, nerds, losers, freaks,” she trailed off for a moment. “Lovers.”
“They call you lovers?” Mother said, almost as if she was in shock. She looked at me, waiting for an answer. I couldn’t look her in the eye but nodded. She said nothing, but looked like she was hurt by the accusation.
“This has got to stop,” Father finally said. “I won’t be part of a family where my children are accused of being in an incestious relationship.” He paused for a moment. The three of us waited for him to finish his thought. “Maybe it would be best if you guys spent some time apart for a while.” He looked like he was unsure of his own decision.
“Excuse me?” my sister said, suddenly even angrier than she was before. “Spend some time apart from each other? Did you even listen to what I told you?” Father was taken aback by my sister’s sudden aggressiveness. “We just told you that we don’t have any friends and that we’re being bullied, and your solution is to isolate us further?”
“I just don’t want either of you to fuel this fire,” Father replied. “I don’t want you to give them even the tiniest bit of evidence that these claims could be true.”
“Oh please!” My sister was hopping mad at this point, and stood up from the dinner table, her plate still half full of food. “You do realize that these bullshit claims aren’t true right? That we’re not actually in love?” She looked away from Father and towards me. I looked down, too ashamed to look her in the eye. “You think we don’t know that brothers and sisters aren’t supposed to fall in love?” she continued. “Is that seriously what you think?”
“I never said that,” Father replied. “I just want what's best for this family.” My sister shook her head and started to chuckle. It almost seemed like she was enjoying this bout. Like she had held these feelings in for too long and they could finally be released.
“You don't care about this family,” she finally said. “You only care about your business. You know, I think I know what this is about. You’re worried that the people at school will start telling their parents about us. Those parents will tell each other. ‘Did you hear about those two Connolly children? Apparently they’re in love. It’s disgusting.’” Her voice was practically dripping with mockery. “‘Oh wow that is disgusting. I don’t know if I can support a family who believes in such practices. Maybe we should take our business elsewhere.’”
“Listen up!” Father shouted, having finally had enough. “Yes. I do care about my business. Is that what you want to hear? You know what? I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I work my ass off to provide for this family. You think I do all of this for fun? I want you kids to be able to go to good schools, to not have to worry about where your next meal will come from. If that hurts your feelings, then I’m sorry, but I am just doing what’s best for this family.” He paused and waited for my sister’s response, but she said nothing. “Having said that I am going to lay out a few ground rules,” he continued. “Percy, I’m sure you know that we’re having your birthday party here in two weeks.” I nodded. “Until that time the two of you are not to be seen together outside these walls. Not at school, not at the store, not anywhere. After the party we can reassess where things are and go from there. Now, at the party, the two of you are not to be seen together by anyone. Percy you will be in charge of keeping an eye on the older kids, let's say everyone over twelve, keeping them out of trouble, and keeping them entertained. Brooklyn you will do the same with the with the under twelve-year-olds. The two of these groups are not to be in the same area of the house at the same time. Is that understood?” I nodded. My sister said nothing. “Brooklyn,” Father said to her directly. “Is that understood?”
“Yes father,” she said calmly. “Understood.”
“Great,” Father replied. We finished the rest of the meal in silence.
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140,658 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
We finally learned the sister's name, a bit of an oddity three chapters in for such an important character, but it's fine. Getting to know the parents a bit more, or at least the father, I enjoyed. It appears the brother/sister "fall in love" line in chapter one was actually intended, which is a massively intriguing direction. As much as it creeps me out, it also makes me want to keep on reading to see how it turns out. The dinner conversation was incredibly written -- the amount of emotion by itself, let alone the amount of twisted angles different readers might see things. I love deep and meaningful scenes that are open to interpretation. It's like a work of art.
Tying the siblings school life into the dinner conversation was intelligent, as it gives a very good reason for including it. But as far as the actual conversation goes, I have to say I don't really sympathize with Brook as much as I might be supposed to. The dad did seem to care about his kids a good deal, and she just resorted to yelling at him. I don't necessarily think the siblings should be separated, and I find him to be a bit prideful, I'm just of a mindset where kids should never yell at their parents, even if they're in the wrong about something. And I don't think there's ever a place for swearing at parents, either.
Either way, this is turning out to be a great series. Looking forward to reading chapter 4
Hey, I'm here to review!
I introduce you to the first rule of writing: show, don't tell!
Don't forget the comma when you need one! In this case, it's supposed to be before Father, because the sister is addressing him and not actually saying 'there Father'.
Another couple of things to note - and this is still regarding description - is you need to insert some descriptions of the place they're in. It's pretty straight dialogue in this chapter, and we can barely imagine what the dining table looks like. Another thing to describe is the appearance of these characters. If you see a movie, you're not going to just listen them talking, you're going to see them talking too, and that means seeing their faces, their body frames, and the clothes they're wearing. If you weave these details through the dialogue, it would make the scene more complete. AS it is, the chapter is too short.
And I agree with the sister. Father's decision to isolate the siblings is unimaginable. They're going to need each other's support because they don't have friends, and they're siblings. It's not wrong. What's wrong is the people's quick judgement to put them together as lovers - though I suspect this is done to sate their insensitive enjoyment. The part about Father's business is interesting to read.
This is such a huge chunk of paragraph. Break it into pieces. Dialogue needs not to be put into one paragraph, it can be arranged in several.
I'm so curious about what would happen in Percy's birthday party. As it is, Father's decision to put them apart would actually give a reason for people's suspicion. What if they're being apart from each other is an effort not to been seen as a couple of lovers, and therefore is actually one? Some people would see this as them not being one, but others would see this as them covering the fact that they're lovers. This decision is not entirely efficient to me, to be honest. Having both of them clearing this issue out with others is the best thing to do. Like what the sister is doing, they can simply say sternly that they're not lovers.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!
Hey there, tswizzy22.
“I really don’t,” Father said looking perplexed. There were a couple times where you forgot some vital punctuation. In that first sentence, you need a comma after 'said', otherwise it's as if the father is actually speaking the words 'looking perplexed'. “Well why is that?” Mother questioned. Technically, I don't think this has to change. However, a comma after 'well' would make the sentence flow much more naturally.
“We don’t care about other people’s hobbies or their favorite bands, or what they like to watch on television.” Haha. This reflects me far too much. Also, I'd just like to point out that you're doing a good job with the girls' personalities. Just by their formal speech, and the thoughts they have, I can imagine why other people their age might find them off-putting.
“Well,” Father began but was cut off mid sentence by my sisters growing rant. Sister needs an apostrophe: sister's.
“Great,” Father replied. We finished the rest of the meal in silence. What a great way to finish the chapter! I loved the whole fight scene; your characters were incredibly convincing and their emotions came across well. I've just got one cringe moment to point out. Right up until the point their Father called him Percy, I thought Percy was a girl! Yes, I know I haven't read the other chapters so shouldn't complain, but it would be a good idea to put in some more descriptions about him throughout the chapter. Otherwise, nice job.