When you first wake up in the morning there is a split second where you experience complete freedom. When the troubles of the previous night and the upcoming day have yet to enter your consciousness. You can be anywhere and anyone. This is my favorite moment of the day. A moment of freedom.
My younger sister was one of the only friends I had. One of the few people I actually liked. We have spent our entire lives together save for the year I spent alone because she was not yet born.
She was the only person I have ever cared about. The only person I have ever truly loved. I was a year older than here, and other than my first year of life, We spent every moment together. We were each others best, and probably only friends.
We were always outsiders. It was hard for us to talk to anyone except each other. We didn't have the same interests as the other children. While they ran around frolicking and playing, my sister and I were huddled in a room reading.
When children at school came up to us asking about the latest superhero or Barbie doll we didn't have much to talk about.
We read a variety of books, but they were always nonfiction. Our father told us that life moved too fast to live in a fantasy world. As a result we filled our heads with tales of war and times of hardship.
Some parents believe that it is best to shield children from the truth of the world until a certain age. They ban them from viewing violent or graphic content under the guise that they were too young. Obviously our father was never like this.
We grew up in a small town outside Hartford, Connecticut, on a large upscale property with 10 acres of woods in the back yard. We often liked to wander around for hours lost in thought.
We were the children of wealthy parents; the offspring of caregivers more focused on their business than their kids. That's not to say they didn't love us, but they definitely could have shown it more frequently and with greater intensity. We loved our parents as well for the most part although we often didn’t show it. The relationship could be described as one of mutual respect on both sides. Instead we were taken care of by nannies and maids much of our lives. They acted as our surrogate parents when our biological ones were busy. My sister and I liked them too, but we did wish that our real parents could spend more time with us.
One morning, a few weeks before my fourteenth birthday, I was awoken by the smell of French Toast. It was early, around seven. I couldn't hear anyone talking downstairs so I assumed my parents were gone. I got out of bed and went into the hallway. The door to my sister’s room was closed. She must still be asleep, I thought. I thought about knocking on her door, but decided against it.
I went downstairs to find our chef cooking breakfast.
“Good morning, sir,” he said when he noticed me. I was never very fond of any of our hired help. What had I done at fourteen that warranted someone calling me sir?
My sister always liked it. She thought she was royalty, like she was for some reason better than everyone else. To be fair a lot of the time she was better than most thirteen year olds at all things academic. She did leave some to be desired when it came to athleticism.
“Sports are for stupid people,” she would tell me, to which I would remind her that both our mother and father were collegiate athletes, and then I would laugh at the look she gave me.
My sister was always very blunt with everyone she talked to which obviously didn’t win her a lot of friends.Luckily, I fell in love with her bluntness.Unfortunately I could never completely satisfy her. She always said that she felt like something was missing in her life. I always told her that she at least would have me.
What she wanted was parents. Of course she had those, but she wanted ones that were actually around. Someone she could talk to about her day that would actually listen. Someone who would be around her, not because they were hired to, but because they wanted to. But because they were hired help, she treated them like it. She ordered them around frequently and often, and they never even mumbled a word of contempt.
I smiled at the chef. I wasn't in the mood to talk, or even to eat. I wanted to be alone. I informed the chef that I would be going to the tree house and told him to get me when breakfast was ready.
I walked outside and into a dense wall of fog. I stopped to listen to the wildlife. I heard birds chirping as they also began the new day. It was the start of spring and they were all looking for a mate.
The tree house was a short walk into the woods and it was where me and my sister went to think and be alone. We spent a considerable amount of time there. The tree house was built on top of the tallest tree on the property. From the top I could see the entire house. I could see that the chef was still busy making breakfast. My sister was in the kitchen too now. It looked like she was saying something to him. Eventually she headed for the back door and towards the tree house.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I liked this a lot! It's amazing how despite how little we know about the parents, you've manage to create an aura of mystery around them that makes them interesting. The amount of detail that goes into their everyday lives tells me you've put a lot of thought into this, and I'm interested to see what the sister is like, assuming she's introduced in the next chapter. It was interesting how you decided not to give any of your characters names in this chapter, I'm wondering if that was intentional or not. Don't take that as criticism -- it's not a bad decision, just an interesting one.
Great opening paragraph. It's definitely true. Even if it's in a dream it still remains true, as most dreams that we remember are actually right before we wake up. Besides the content, it's very attention grabbing.
Didn't he just say he liked their hired help? (assuming the main character is a boy since the chef called him sir, apologies if wrong)
He fell in love with her? I don't know if that's the direction you mean to take their relationship, or if this was just an unfortunate choice of words
The main character seems to be a bit of a jerk, not liking the chef just because he called him "sir". I'm left wondering why he can't just tell him not to call him sir.
That's about it. The one area I think you can improve on is description. Like when the main character says "We like to walk around the forest for hours lost in thought", describe more of what that forest is. The leaves on the ground, the wind in the air, that sort of thing. What is the passage of time like? Fast or slow? Make the reader actually feel like they can immerse themselves in the stories they're telling. Same when the main character goes into the kitchen and smells french toast. That's an overly simple smell, complicate it. Go into what else it feels like to enter the kitchen that morning.
More lines like that, in other words.
I'll definitely be reading the next chapter, though. Thanks for sharing.
An interesting beginning. The kids really remind me of myself when I was younger, I never really gave a toss about popular things like the "latest superhero" either.
Also, this section:
"We read a variety of books, but they were always nonfiction. Our father told us that life moved too fast to live in a fantasy world. As a result we filled our heads with tales of war and times of hardship." I like how they weren't sheltered from the real world as kids, but saying that "life moves to fast to live in a fantasy world" might be a little harsh.
And just something I found to be funny was when the chef called him"sir"
Thanks for the review! Glad you liked it.
Hey there, so when I review I start off with nit-picky grammar things, then just sort of go freeform for the actual criticism. I had a much more structured plan when I first started though so let me know if you'd like some pointers on how to structure
Oh also my BBCode might be a little shoddy because I haven't done this in a while XD
---
Nit-picks
This should grammatically all be the one sentence but I totally understand the stylistic choice. Just wanted to make sure you were aware.
This is a little clunky. I like the sentiment though. Maybe something like Save the year I spent alone before she was born and then the bit that is currently the start of the sentence.
Sorry that bit's so cluttered. Let me know if any of the corrections are unclear.
Should be "fourteenth" and you don't need the capitalisation on french toast.
I firmly believe if you remove this sentence this will be a very very good little paragraph. I will explain why in the next section of my review. I also realise very very good isn't particularly descriptive but shrug it's 1am.
couple of missed spaces
-----
Okay, nit-picks over. There's one continuous improvement I can see here but I'll do that after two lovely things I picked up on.
See the bit where you come back to the present day after the little tangent about the two children's attitudes towards the hired help? I adore the way the thought drifts in and out of the current situation. I love to read that sort of thing and I think you've executed it well here.
Your ending was just peaceful enough to retain the serene mood you have created but the fact that the sister clearly wants to talk to your narrator about something combined with the fact that we've been made aware of something important about to happen makes it intriguing enough for me to want to read more. Speaking of which could you let me know when the next chapter is up?
Ok, the improvement I think needs to be made. This is where the sentence I suggested be removed about the chef's "sir" comes in. The reader can make the link between the sentence before and after that and that is part of the fun of reading, otherwise it's more like a psychology textbook. We're following the character's train of thought, and trains of thought usually skips steps. Take a look through this and see if you can see points where you could adjust this. I'm happy to explain further if you like.
Oh also this was ideal length
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thank you so much for your feedback! I thought it was all pretty clear haha. I will try to have the next chapter up as soon as possible.
yay!