Young Writers Society

Hey,

This was very good. I liked your use of vocabulary and especially your imagery and descriptions. However, the topic/theme was less than great. It was unoriginal and I'm sort of sick of seeing these emo poems where horrible things happen and people are betrayed and sob, sob, sob. This is a good poem, if not clihe, but next time, write something happy! I'm guilty of writing horrible emo poems too but I'm trying to stop. xD It's like an addiction or something. Also, I found the ending to be very weak. Overall, nice work.

Favorite Line: Slices of my tender heart, paving streets of pain.

Grade: A-

~Jas

tinkembell wrote:Pieces of my soul, scatterd to point the way. #00BF80 ">*scattered*
Parts of me, my life, freshly hung each day.
Myself, bared to the world, with everything to show and nothing to say.

Slices of my tender heart, paving streets of pain.
I gave away my emotions, to wash away the rain.
People truly lived again.

I sold myself to the world, to give the poor a home, to feed the ravenous crow.
My dreams scattered across the land, just waiting to be found and grow.
The world brushed with colour, the detail just so. #00BF80 ">You are probably going to want to make your lines a little bit shorter, so that they are easier to follow.

I had created a city of wonders with my life, and now I am nothing.
But that doesn't matter,

Because when I searched among this city so pure to find you, to please you,

I found only your darkness, attempting to overshadow my light...

#00BF80 ">The only problem I had was the long long lines. I really like it though. But keep in mind these are only suggestions. In the end, it comes down to how you feel about your poem. Keep writing.

I enjoyed reading this poem ! (: You did a wonderful job !

Pieces of my soul, scattered to point the way.
Parts of me, my life, freshly hung each day.
Myself, bared to the world, with everything to show and nothing to say. --loved these verses very much, so intense!

Slices of my tender heart, paving streets of pain. -- loved this apparent opposition between the first part (with the use of the word "tender") and what comes after comma, describing the pain; the figure of speech is wonderful!
I gave away my emotions, to wash away the rain.
People truly lived again. --didn't quite grasp the meaning of this line, I take back my words. As I continued reading the rest of poem, I found that it totally makes sense.

I sold myself to the world, to give the poor a home, to feed the ravenous crow.
My dreams scattered across the land, just waiting to be found and grow.
The world brushed with colour, the detail just so.

I had created a city of wonders with my life, and now I am nothing.
But that doesn't matter,

Because when I searched among this city so pure to find you, to please you,

I found only your darkness, attempting to overshadow my light...
Pieces of my soul, scatterd to point the way.
Parts of me, my life, freshly hung each day.
Myself, bared to the world, with everything to show and nothing to say. -- great line, "bared to the world" is a great figure of speech!

Slices of my tender heart, paving streets of pain.
I gave away my emotions, to wash away the rain.
People truly lived again.

I sold myself to the world, to give the poor a home, to feed the ravenous crow.
My dreams scattered across the land, just waiting to be found and grow.
The world brushed with colour, the detail just so.

I had created a city of wonders with my life, and now I am nothing.
But that doesn't matter,

Because when I searched among this city so pure to find you, to please you,

I found only your darkness, attempting to overshadow my light... -- great ending, too!

I really loved this poem for the emotions. It's so somber and soft that it makes me either want to cry or stare at the computer all day in awe. I like the imagery of using a city, and I can really picture a landscape, a town made out of someone's dreams and life. In my mind, it looks kind of pearly, with a hint of rainbows, but then there's the darkness inside dimming the light. I think that was my favorite line of this poem.
Thank you for posting this,
Dai

Hi tinkembell,
I just have to say I love this poem. I don't usually like sad poems, but I love this one. That's all really. Keep writing!

Alrighty :] so i believe the previous comment was great. and i agree. But i would like to just review how i liked your poem. I really enjoyed it! I like how there was a mood set, and it flowed nicely. I love how you showed your sadness, and how it worked so well! I really don't know what else to say other than i really liked it!

great job!

keep writing :]!

I liked this poem a lot. It was very sad and so full of emotion. It flowed very well and the lines seemed to go together effortlessly. Yes, it was quite a sad poem but in a nice way...? If that makes any sense at all, or maybe I'm just babbling to my myself with words that don't make sense

I do think that some lines seemed out of place, like at the end. At first you had a set rhyming pattern and the same amount of lines in each stanza but then when you got to this part:

I had created a city of wonders with my life, and now I am nothing.
But that doesn't matter,

Because when I searched among this city so pure to find you, to please you,

I found only your darkness, attempting to overshadow my light...

Pieces of my soul, #FF0000 ">scattered to point the way.
Parts of me, my life, freshly hung each day.
Myself, bared to the world, with everything to show and nothing to say.