That summer was busy, to say the very least. Between all the physical therapy designed to get me to walk, all the doctor appointments and tests and not to mention, hours of summer school each day to catch up, nothing was easy about my recovery.
Can't I get some time to myself?
Sorry, you have an appointment with Dr. Blade this afternoon.
Just six steps. Then you can go home.
Just tell me how you're feeling. Then you can go home.
Then you can go home.
Then you can go home.
You can never go home.
But through it all, I still had a smile on my face at the end of the day, because I knew deep down that there was still light in the tunnel. I knew I would get to go back to school, and finally I’d be able to catch up with all my old friends.
Until Mom dropped a bomb on me. I guess things don’t always go the way you plan. I know that for sure, now.
“You’re going to the Heartbeat Academy this autumn,” she said.
I nearly tripped over my crutches. Mom grabbed me to help me stay upright. “Wait, what are you talking about,” I said. “You never said anything about a Heartbeat Academy.”
“Here.” Mom handed me a lime green brochure with a boisterous, bald-headed man in the forefront. “It’s a private boarding school off the coast of Silenda City,” she explained. “For kids who need special help or attention like you! Oh, don’t give me that look. You only have to go there for a year. I think it’ll be really good for you.”
“But you didn’t even ask me about this!” I said, staring curiously at the bald man. “Don’t I get a say? I don’t want to go away from home.”
“You have to,” Mom scoffed in a deep-throated voice, her eyes sharp, her fingers curled. She took me by surprise, and we went silent enough so that I could hear my heart pound and pound and pound.
I tried to protest further. But she wouldn’t hear it. I didn’t want to start over at a new school, I didn’t want to move far away from home, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer – that was sort of Mom’s way, but I guess in the end, everything would seem to work out.
It wouldn’t. As you can already see. Destiny is a funny thing in how it can change in the blink of an eye, how fast a life can change, and how fast a life could end. But I couldn’t have known what would happen at that academy. The darkness that engulfed it. The strong stench of death that embowed it. I wasn’t ready. I never would be ready. I didn’t know what to expect. I knew there was something Mom wasn't telling me, but I didn't know just how brain-shattering it was. I couldn't have known.
But it’s now apparent that the Heartbeat Academy will indeed be where I will die.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Awesome chapter right here. I loved how you had killer suspense at the end. My heart is pounding and racing trying to figure out what will happen next. Brilliant cliff Hanger at the end to. The reason why I say that is because it defiantly hooks the reader. " But it’s now apparent that the Heartbeat Academy will indeed be where I will die." This line right here makes reader feel that urge to read on and I feel most pushed to read chapter 4. The only bad thing I would say about this chapter is that to me I feel like it was rushed. I would have love for this chapter to be longer, have more juicer details, and such. But your writing style is one of a kind man and I cannot wait to read chapter 4
Hello again!
I enjoyed the dream sequence, I thought that was interesting and a nice addition to the story. But then I thought it was rushed again.
Now if he's been in a coma for four years, he probably hasn't been dreaming or remembering. See here. So it just struck me as odd that he's been having this dream for as long as he can remember when there are four years of his life that are blank right now. Maybe rephrase to something like "The same I used to have before all of this happened" to make a reference to when this dream was actually a regular occurence.
Can you make this more active? Something like: "I screamed and attempted to sit up, but all of the cords attached to me held me down."
She didn't give him a chance to answer the pain question. And I find it a little hard to believe they would order a CAT scan just because he cried out. CAT scans are very expensive. He didn't even tell her he's in pain, so what reason would they have for a scan?
Meh. I would have him answer the pain question and then go from there with the doctor asking about what happened.
Is Dr. Pam really a doctor? Don't nurses usually do the checking of vitals and introducing visitors? Nurses don't have "Dr." in front of their name, they would have credentials at the end like "Jane Doe, RN". And this line confused me a little. The "almost as if..." to the end - I get why she would be looking at the defibrillator like that (she's concerned she might have to use it because of the shock of seeing his family) but if she's a nurse or a doctor, why would she be trying to refresh her brain on how to use it?
I thought the ending was super rushed. It almost feels like you got to your desired word count for the chapter and ended it without taking the scene into consideration. I want soooo many more thoughts and feelings from this guy. So much is changing and developing in his life and I want to feel like I'm part of that with him. I want to know what it's like for him to see his sisters again beyond confusion and the recognition. I want more of a conversation between the siblings even if it's hard and awkward for them. Give me more personality and development there.
I'm still struggling a little with how realistic this is. I think it's fine for a first draft because you're just trying to get the story on the page
Looking forward to seeing how it continues! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
thanks for reviewing. What I'm probably going to do is end up scrapping chapter two and three altogether and just rewriting them, as I think they can be much improved overall, I feel my writing has gotten a lot better within the short period of time this was done, and I'm capable of doing more with these earlier chapters.
But I'm not sure whether I should upload it as a new section altogether named appropriately or just replace the writing I already have here with it. What do you think?
I commonly see people upload a new version and call it "Chapter Two: Edited" or something like that. That way you'll get some fresh reviews and you can always go back and look at the original version and the comments there as needed.
Oh man, I'm a sucker for dream sequences, and that dream was particularly fascinating! It definitely has a powerful sense of meaning something. Feeling someone pat you on the back, but finding no one there? Hearing a comforting but unfamiliar voice, then turning and finding that everything is vanishing? It creates a sense of security immediately followed by dread, as though it was just the easiest thing for that security to fall away. And the unfamiliar voice...Is it possible we'll meet this person later? I can't wait.
But having Toby fall out of the hospital bed and hang a few inches above the floor by the chords and wires attached to him? No. I'm sorry, but...that's not okay. I'm a CNA--not a doctor or a nurse--but I've had a bit experience with hospital beds. The sort of chords attached to him would be mostly IVs stuck in his arm (for intravenous fluids), maybe an oxygen canular (which would pop right out of his nose at the slightest tug), probably a colostomy and a catheter (but the bags for those would be attached to the leg of the bed), and maybe a safety chord pinned to the back of his hospital gown. The last one is the only one that would offer any resistance to Toby reaching the floor, though it's not actually made to hold a person's weight. The IVs would be required to have long enough chords to basically allow him to fall out of bed without being ripped out of his veins. So while you're right that he'd be all stuck full of tubes and wires, they wouldn't be able to suspend him in the air. It creates a dramatic effect, but in the interest of being realistic, I think you should take it out.
The fact that he was even able to roll out of bed presents a smaller problem--because it would've been the CNA's job to put up the bed railing. However, there are always instances of careless CNAs who forget to do that, so you can certainly leave the falling-out-of-bed part in the story. I think you should, too. My brother once had the experience of falling in a dream and waking up to find he was actually falling. It's a very alarming experience in and of itself, and yes, it's something that happens in real life.
I would, however, like to confirm that it's quite realistic for Dr. Pam to immediately check Toby's heartbeat with her stethoscope, since he has a heart condition. You might add details of her putting the canular back in his nose and adjusting the tubing on the IVs, and the catheter/colostomy tubing (which would be around his legs and might've gotten tangled). Maybe don't use all the technical words, though. Then she might also pull the covers back over him and make sure he's comfortable...maybe adjust the head of the bed...These are all details I'd bring in from my caregiving experience. As for her lifting him back onto the bed, if he can stand on his own, she'd help him to his feet, but it's okay for her to lift him by herself (as you wrote, rather than calling a CNA for help), because he's probably pretty small, having been bedridden and on feeding tubes since he was 10. (No feeding tubes now, by the way--he can eat by himself now that he's conscious.)
Anyway, I love the story, and I'm very eager to read on. I wasn't trying to be overly critical or nitpicky here. I just thought you might appreciate some more accurate details for your hospital setting.
Thanks again. Ill edit this chapter later taking
your advice in mind
Wow, that was a little on the intense side: love it!
The story is most definitely getting better and better! You're giving us very little as you seem to be stringing out the events, which creates anticipation. There's nothing more irritating than a stringed out story...but don't worry, it's a good thing.
I do have one piece of advice to expand the story of your characters. At the end of the chapter, you alluded to the fact that Toby's mum is single. I think you should develop this idea and give the audience a bit of an idea as to why there is no father figure.
Other than that, amazing job!
Hey, tigeraye!
Oh wow, I can't believe I missed this after how much I enjoyed the other two posts. This chapter did not disappoint either,
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Original~
Ok. So there's nothing wrong with this, I personally just don't quite like it. I'm probably being harsh, and I apologize. Here's a suggestion anyways, if you are curious as to how I'd write it~
Original~
Again, just a personal thing. I'm probably being way to nit-picky.
Suggestion~
Absolutely nothing wrong, this sentence just cracks me up, xD
Overall, this is great and I'm on my way to review the next chapter that I somehow missed as well!
~Myth
thanks friend.
I just read your first two chapters! I love your command of details and description.
You also have a really nice combination of moods, a little bit of mystery, but also some humor. It makes this story very engaging to read.
The paragraph breaks were nicely done; this story is very readable and it flows well.
One thing I would critique:
"She dropped her clipboard on the floor, sprinting over to me as I struggled to get to my feet, still rendered mostly immobile by the myrmidon of wires and plugs."
I don't know if myrmidon is the right word here... maybe "tangle,' or a synonym of tangle?
Tag me when you post the next chapter, and I can review that one too, if you would like!
thanks. I found this and the few chapters afterwards agonizingly tough to write, actually. I knew where I was headed but didn't know how to get there, if you get what I mean. I hope it gets better later on.
please refrain from using the word 'snazzy' its unbecoming of you, and if you were being serious about a future as an author, i'd advise you to use teenage slang and modern tongue.
use more sophisticated vocabulary and avoid repetitive adjectives, your use of first person POV is rather bothersome.
as for your title: its cliche and only something a thirteen year old would click on, no mature reader would read such a title.
keep unnecessary information out of the context and try to enrich your writing.
well, that hurts. dont know what to say except sorry you feel that way.
except the pov character has the mind of a ten year old so i purposely didnt use high level vocab, but whatever
Its better to face the harsh truths and critics than get pointless compliments, even if the pov character has the mind of a ten year old it doesnt exactly mean the writing atyle should be outright awful. Example: harry potter book 1, the pov character was eleven and the writing was amazing
its ok. i hope you upload something so i can learn how to write better.
Looking forward to it
i really like the idea that you have and it would be really interesting to see where it goes
thanks friend